First date ick - am I being a princess?

[Brummytobites]

I’ve gotten the ick today and I’m a bit gutted. Speaking to someone new, it’s all been very fast paced as in talking 24/7, emotionally sharing, he’s invited me on a date for the first day we chatted, I’ve held off for what is now just over 4 weeks.

We’re supposed to be going out in our city centre this weekend. Booked the table at a great and very fancy restaurant that we both like a couple of weeks back, kept having to amend the date as he was suggesting seeing me sooner but I’ve held firm on leaving it a few weeks, only to now find he’s messed up the booking and there’s no space available for the day we’d planned. He’s now frantically suggesting various other places but they are much more casual. I’m annoyed. I’d ordered a new - very dressy - outfit. Booked in my nails etc. made a real effort.

I feel bitchy for saying I don’t want to go to any of these places but equally why should I lower my standards? I was looking forward to a weekend dinner and drinks at a lively place. The date place is somewhere I can and do go alone with friends and family so it’s not like I’m relying on a meal ticket, it’s definitely a “destination bar/restaurant” He’s a little bit insecure and seems to be seeking my assurance that he’s not annoyed me frequently - which up to now he hasn’t - so I think he can tell I’m a little ticked off and I’m feeling very awkward about even raising the issue.

I realise this sounds silly but it’s really annoyed me. This guy has basically been saying he’s ready do give me the world for the past month and banged on about liking the same places and his general generosity. What would you do? AIBU to expect someone to be more organised and meet my expectations?

Nor does "who has described their taste for being expensive."

OP why don't you just ring the restaurant yourself and see what booking you can get?

If they have loads of availability that evening, you have narrowed down the possibilities of what is really happening here.

Suggest you discuss with this man a rebook of the place you both want to go to and wear your lovely new outfit. Hes made a small mistake that's all.

You're being a bit princessy imo. I'm guessing his alternative venues are more up his street than the one he conveniently messed up. I think he's pandering to you - it all sounds a bit teen-like to me, more about appearance than substance. I'd bet you're not his type but he's already given you the ick. There's no future here

I actually disagree with a lot of these comments.. It seems like you're most annoyed because of the "empty promise" that's what I'm going to call it.. how do you have reservations and then mess it up?? Did he not actually book it.. don't know how that all happens.. follow through is a big thing for me too.. for it wouldn't be about the place it would be that we planned something and come to find out you couldn't do what you said you did or was going to do.. yeah i can't say I like that either.. now it could have been a mistake idk how you go from it's reserved to is not but.. idk that would annoy me too.. it rayes the question for me..is he reliable..unreliable is a turn off for me.. It sounds like you have standards i don't see anything wrong with you disliking or being annoyed by this situation. Just an expectation of someone days they are going to do something.. you expect that to be done. Idk if at my age i would want to go out with a person who's incapable of making a correct reservation..

@Brummytobites i kinda get where you are coming from. My friend is very similar so i had to double take it wasnt her posting! She is also extremely generous and instead of the usual freeloaders, she is trying to pick men on the same level as her like you are. She's gorgeous and would do the same as you in terms of getting all psyched up for somewhere special and would feel equally let down. What i would say is still meet him and give him the benefit of the doubt if you feel he is genuine. You just never know whether he's going to be lovely or not. With my friend, those that booked fancy dinners just wanted sex, and as soon as they knew they werent getting it quickly, their true colours came out. 2nd date would be somewhere average if it even happened at all - or snide remarks about being a goldigger even though before meeting her, they would be all about taking charge/letting her be treated. My friend believes in high value dating - that the man should be doing all he can to impress. Her siblings do this for their partners so she believes she deserves the same.

From my perspective, and i havent exactly been successful in my dating - id have met him earlier. And actually my best dates have been just walking and talking rather than full on dinners. I did the same as you with one date, chatted for ages but when we met, he was awful and then i was stuck with him for the night.

I think this is a case of two people pretending at life.

The OP role playing being a ‘princess (then buying an outfit for a first date in a restaurant she perceives to be posh!) I suspect they are both pretending to have more money and a better ‘lifestyle’ than the reality.

she’s pretending to be Beyoncé (à la ‘independent woman’) he thinks she’s got a few quid and so is pretending he’s also ‘into the finer things in life’ (Dave, you’re a sales manager for a car showroom)

‘someone who appreciates the finer things in life’ lolz both trying to land a big fish there…

Honestly, emotionally sharing at an early stage is too much, too soon, and as for agreeing that you both appreciate the finer things in life makes you sound cash focussed. Getting a new outfit, nails etc for a first date. This all seems a bit reality-show-biz. I'd let this poor sap down now. Next time you start chatting to someone, take a breath, suggest coffee for a first meet and just dress appropriately. Let him see the real you and get to know you. You'll feel much more comfortable and so will he.

Oh gosh OP do you really get turned on this kind of old fashioned macho posturing? Next thing he'll be handing you a wad of twenties to 'get yourself something nice darling'

Yes you sound like a right diva. Poor chap

Wow, this dude has given me the ick with his "sulky baby voice" and over familiarity with the pet names before you have even physically met. Definitely red flags. I think you know what you need to do.

You are the reason normal women find it hard to find nice blokes..You are being a total diva and I hope the bloke runs for the hills. Always just a coffee for first date ..you go have your tantrum in the corner and leave this nice guy for us girls who know how to behave!

I think you have 'nailed it'.

first mistake I made initially chatting to men for weeks only to meet them and not get on at all!!!

met my bf 4 months ago for a beer and a walk after chatting briefly for 2 days I was smitten and I still am.

I've met people like this in real life.

Everything is "designer" , if you think that Gucci is the ceiling.

All restaurants are "fancy", if you think The Ivy is the ceiling.

They have a "nice car", which is an Audi Q5 or Mercedes GLC. Again, if you think this is the ceiling, then absolutely - you like the "finer things".

But the description of "the finer things" is for me rooted in deep insecurity and a sense of having to visually and demonstrably prove worth.

I've lived in Singapore, New York, London working for finance houses... I just chuckle when I read stuff like "I like the finer things" etc. T

The things my co-workers do and see... you could categorise all of them as the "finer things" but they would retch if they heard themselves described that way with such pretension.

Over investing and to much talking before leads to burn out and settling.

Read the rest of her updates then decide if you think he still sounds like a genuine nice guy.

OP might be high maintenance but she knows it and owns it. She's allowed to set her standards where she wants them without being told she's all that's wrong with dating.

OP might be high maintenance but she knows it and owns it. She's allowed to set her standards where she wants them without being told she's all that's wrong with dating.

And we're allowed to question why she's set a "standard" in the first place, surely?

Because it turns out not to be a standard in terms of how people conduct themselves (he's given permission to mess around the date and time, do whiny baby voices etc, without being cut off)

Nope..it's more of a "tariff" in terms of how much minimum she would like to spend (either her paying the bill, or him) in terms of what constitutes a date.

He’s had a lucky escape

How does it help anyone to question why she's set her boundary where she has?

And she's explained it anyway. She's said that she can provide this lifestyle for herself and she doesn't want less. So why would she date people who either do want less or can only afford less?

Financial compatibility is a real thing and it's important. Doesn't matter whether that's being able to not work to raise the children, being on the same page for saving or wanting to be able to go to fancy restaurants. That's what OP wants for her life, it's not up to us to tell her she's wrong for that when she's asked for opinions on a man's behaviour.

If she's come on and said "he said he's booked the restaurant but it turns out he didn't and when I've expressed I'm unhappy about it he's started using a baby voice and hasn't even apologised" without mentioning the fact it was a fancy restaurant, she'd be getting very different responses. These responses are all because she's said it's somewhere fancy.

There are so many red flags here, I suggest joining Burned Haystack Dating Method on Facebook before communicating with any men on dating apps

I didn't realise people still do dinner first dates, when meeting for the first time. Why not just a coffee? Definitely sounds like you don't really like the guy but you want to be spoilt otherwise why mention what he promised?

Totally agree

I wouldn’t want to eat on a first date. I’d rather just have a couple of drinks in a nice bar or pub

like why on earth would you want to go out for a meal on a first date?? Can anyone explain? Genuinely curious!

Yep, half of the dates are cringe, or the guy is not who he said, looks different, says something innapropiate, he's plain boring, starts flirting with the waitress right infront of you or stares at his phone every minute. I've gone through all of those. Why would you want to be stuck in a fancy dinner?

Not RTFT (just your comments), so sorry if I missed it but you say Booked the table at a great and very fancy restaurant that we both like a couple of weeks back, kept having to amend the date as he was suggesting seeing me sooner but I’ve held firm on leaving it a few weeks, only to now find he’s messed up the booking and there’s no space available for the day we’d planned.

I read this as HE was clearly supposed to make the booking (as you also noted, HE invited YOU) and indicated that he HAD made it and you've weeks later discovered that there was no reservation. Did he not make it hoping you'd agree to a different date (weird, because he could have always cancelled or kept it for a second date if you'd met sooner)? Or did the restaurant make a mistake? Or did he? I would not be impressed by someone who made a big to-do about liking nice restaurants and yet flubbed a basic reservation (for an important-to-him date, he should have double-checked that the restaurant did have it and it was for the correct date and time).

I'm also not sure how his wanting to meet sooner would mean that the date the two of you agreed to would be amended; it should only be amended if both of you agree to change it to another specific date. But more generally, all the stuff you've written about him pressuring and even pestering you to meet sooner when you've made your availability clear would probably be a deal breaker for me. Even if it's not a red flag for his being overly controlling and not respecting your "no", the mere annoyance of his doing it repeatedly would dim my pleasure in his company and my hopes of this being a good compatible "match".