First date ick - am I being a princess?

[Brummytobites]

I’ve gotten the ick today and I’m a bit gutted. Speaking to someone new, it’s all been very fast paced as in talking 24/7, emotionally sharing, he’s invited me on a date for the first day we chatted, I’ve held off for what is now just over 4 weeks.

We’re supposed to be going out in our city centre this weekend. Booked the table at a great and very fancy restaurant that we both like a couple of weeks back, kept having to amend the date as he was suggesting seeing me sooner but I’ve held firm on leaving it a few weeks, only to now find he’s messed up the booking and there’s no space available for the day we’d planned. He’s now frantically suggesting various other places but they are much more casual. I’m annoyed. I’d ordered a new - very dressy - outfit. Booked in my nails etc. made a real effort.

I feel bitchy for saying I don’t want to go to any of these places but equally why should I lower my standards? I was looking forward to a weekend dinner and drinks at a lively place. The date place is somewhere I can and do go alone with friends and family so it’s not like I’m relying on a meal ticket, it’s definitely a “destination bar/restaurant” He’s a little bit insecure and seems to be seeking my assurance that he’s not annoyed me frequently - which up to now he hasn’t - so I think he can tell I’m a little ticked off and I’m feeling very awkward about even raising the issue.

I realise this sounds silly but it’s really annoyed me. This guy has basically been saying he’s ready do give me the world for the past month and banged on about liking the same places and his general generosity. What would you do? AIBU to expect someone to be more organised and meet my expectations?

Been in a long term relationship for 12 years so I’m a bit out of the loop on standard dating practices but who is going to food on the first date!!!! That means you're locked in for 3 courses, with someone you’ve only just started seeing. Nice pub/bar is the key move so you can make a swift exit if and when called for. You are completely unreasonable. If you think the person sounds nice, go and spend some time with them & find out. Otherwise you’re wasting both of your time messaging when you don’t even know if you get on.

It's all very Loce Island. Have you done any background checks on him op? In my limited experience of online dating, I found about half of them to be married or in long term relationships.. Genesreunited.co.uk and companies house are your friends.

So it’s the location rather than the person?
You sound like hard work.
This poor guy won’t ever live up to your expectations.

You sound like hard work and frankly you do sound full of entitlement and like a princess. If you are like this about something so trivial what would you be like about real problems I have to wonder.

I'm sorry @Brummytobites if this seems a bit sharp, but I wanted to give a small reality check here if I may.

I’m having 6 months off because I’ve been ill and my finances permit (I own businesses in the finance industry). So both currently have lots of free time.

I'm so sorry to hear you've been ill. I was sick as well 7 years ago, and was off work for 15 months.

Are you a multi-millionaire though, with guaranteed income for the rest of your life without having to work?

When I was off work, my "finances permitted" it, sure...but I wasn't a multi-millionaire either. Everyone's income stream is subject to the risks of health and the market.

I was glad to get back out there, I was glad to ensure I was able to grow my retirement income, and it was a wake-up call for me to realise stability and consistency is key.

So this is a long winded way for me to make my point... the "finer things in life"... really? You can enjoy all those things, in perpetuity, without having to work?

That's great, and I love a passive income stream myself, but isn't it worth fearing what could happen if your marketplace dries up, or some other shocks occur?

Why 6 months; what changes for you after that time elapses?

On another topic, what on earth is going on with this:

It’s done the opposite and now he’s fawning about trying to win me back over. When each attempt isn’t met with “oh my gosh what a fool I’ve been for being annoyed, take me now!” He’s getting arsey. Red flags all round really

Why shouldn't he "get arsey" with someone who sounds like a complete gameplayer? You yourself aren't being reasonable or nice, because he failed to book a fine dining restaurant of your choice? You sound to me like you are withholding joy or normal interaction just because you are used to getting what you want. That's not a great tone to begin a relationship.

i also truly couldn’t care less about being called high maintenance. Yes, I am. It’s not an insult.

I think it's worth exploring therapy to find out why you have insecurities which lead you to have to continuously state your worth. I could sit here and reel off all manner of things which I own or do which would give an indication of my wealth, but it's the bloody Internet, either no one believes me or everyone thinks I'm a bit odd. Likewise, why tell us all the time that you need 'finer things', it's such a strange take on life?

I (famously from another thread) am known to dine at Pizza Express, but I also really like Sale e Pepe and Maze.

Should I be saying I like "the finer things in life" because of those last two restaurants? Or maybe I am just like everyone, who likes nice stuff and normal stuff in equal balance.

I think YABU, you seem to love the chase, the theatre, and you want to be validated all the time by what you spend, and what people spend on you.

He's dodged a bullet poor man, he sounds really sweet, happy to take you somewhere fancy, presumably you're expecting he pays and now you don't want to see him unless it's top end. I think for a first meet go super relaxed and casual, a coffee, a wine bar - that way if you really don't click it's only an hour of your time and nobody can accuse anyone of just being there for the free dinner. If in that first hour you click, great. There are plenty of high end coffee or wine places, nobody is saying you have to go to mcdonalds or Costa if you don't like want to. Unless you're in an awful city there are wine, cocktail and coffee places that are extremely high end and desirable to go to. However, I don't think that's the real issue here is it. The real issue is you want to be taken to the most expensive, nicest place you can find for free.

You sound like a really high maintenance person who is only interested in what you can get out of the situation not whether he's a nice person you want to spend more time with.

She isn't high maintenance though 🙈

She thinks she is, but she isn't

High maintenence people know their own worth and don't spend 4 weeks getting emotionally invested into a man they've never met 🙈..... also the high maintenance people I know, don't have to tell people their high maintenance

Because the alternative is wasting a month building a fake online "relationship" with someone you'd normally scratch off in 30 mins if you met in real life.
What's the point of "holding off" for weeks?
Getting to "know" them online?

because that's what you do on new dates and people you just met virtually - quick coffee, day time, safe, see if there is a spark, then either move on or move up depending on how it went. Not build things up to some massive expensive thing where the chances of being disappointed get higher an higher.

Yes you are being a princess. I don't know why you've posted to argue with everyone's responses.

Sounds like you’re more bothered about being able to brag about “first date at flashy poncy restaurant” than actually getting to know this guy! Cancel and do the guy a favour!

For me, dating is completely about making effort to pursue someone.

what effort are you going to? Or are you that much of a princess you believe it’s his place to make all the arrangements and you just turn up in your new frock.

YABU and a total princess. If I was a bloke I’d have a massive ick for someone who over shared on social media but delayed an actual meeting for 4 weeks and couldn’t even meet for a preliminary casual coffee/lunch to get to know me but instead held out for a fancy night out (that so am probably expected to pay for)

What situation? You're being ridiculous. You've 'held off' for 4 weeks?! You're lucky he's still remotely interested.

What situation?, the whole point of a first meeting being casual and having the potential to be short (ie coffee) is you get to meet the person in the real world, have a chat etc. if you gel you either extend that date or go on and do a bigger one next time.

You are in a worse situation going on weeks without meeting and launching into a much more formal situation.

She's actually answered this. She offered to organise and he insisted "because he's the man".

I wouldn't do the fancy, expensive restaurant on a first date (but we don't do that anyways not out taste), but it doesn't matter if it's a Michelin star place or Starbucks, he said he'd do something, didn't, then changed the goalposts and behaved like a baby when she said she wasn't happy. If that's behaviour pre-first date, imagine the rubbish that's to follow.

The guy is displaying some massive red flags, so OPs standards, and whether we agree with them, are not the issue.

I appreciate this may be a drip feed but I’m also ND and struggle with change of plans when I’ve had something set in my mind. He knows this.

Do you have autism?
You're certainly rigid in your thinking and behaviour. You show this by your responses here and the way you won't change your mind on anything.

How would this play out in a relationship if you get so upset over a change of plan?

You've put this man on a pedestal based on some online chats etc and now he's shown he's not all your hoped.

Fine.
Move on.

But you need to consider how your own behaviour might affect possible future relationships.

It does come over a bit like a spoilt child having a tantrum because they don't get what they wanted.

I know that. My point was she doesn't have to do what he 'insisted'.

No, she doesn't. But, if someone has told you they're doing something, would you just do it anyway? Duplication of effort? Two bookings for one restaurant if he had actually followed through?

If someone tells me they're booking something then I don't decide to do it for them. If they don't do it, then actually that speaks volumes on whether they actually value spending the time with me.

And if they've not done it because they don't want to go to that specific place or can't afford to do what we've agreed, why not say that up front? Why let me think we're on the same page and then let me down instead of just saying "actually I'd rather keep the first meet up casually/simple"? I'd respect that far more than them stringing me along saying they'd do something, not doing it then behaving like a child.

This is spot on.

As someone who has done OLD I know when a guy makes all these promises then starts to walk them back before even the first date it’s a red flag.

Where OP likes to go or not go on a first date compared to where other posters would like to go is irrelevant. Or how long she chooses to speak to a man before meeting - again that’s up to her.

Those who like coffee dates can go on them, I’ve never been on one myself for a first date but each to their own.

Hi OP, I’m probably the complete opposite of you in many ways (not at all materialistic, more bothered by the vibe than the decor - in men as well as eateries).

However, I admire you for being a financially independent woman, who doesn’t need a man to complete her life and has high expectations/standards.

There are two possible scenarios here:

1. What you’ve assumed and has icked you. He’s love-bombing. It’s all talk, telling you what you want to hear. But can’t actually follow through.
2. He’s just mucked up the booking as a one-off mistake and is usually v attentive, organised and reliable.

I’d be more icked by the baby voice. Although we prob have v different taste in men, a man (or anyone) doing a baby voice because he’s mucked something up, would put me right off.

I’d book the place you prefer for a later date. That way, it’ll be what you looked forward to, and you can wear your new outfit. If he turns out to not be for you, at least you’ll have had a meal in a place you love.

But he might turn out to be the real deal and it was just a random muck up. And in 10 years the muck up will be an anecdote of how your relationship started.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Trust your instinct. Anyone can act the part if you look for transactional ‘essentials’ on your shopping list. The most important thing is a good heart. Good luck!

I get that some people like effort and to be pursued while DATING. But you’re not dating him! It’s a first date with someone you’ve never met - no one is really real (in the way you’ve imagined them in your head) before you meet them in-person. You might have talked for a month but you cannot know if you fancy someone until you meet them. 70% people on first dates don’t have chemistry with their date. Why on earth would you waste the night and the expense (although let me guess, you’ll be expecting him to pay) on a fancy restaurant when you might have to sit there awkwardly with someone who turns out to give you the ick all night? Just meet him for a casual drink then if that goes well you can go to the fancy restaurant for your second date when at least you know it’s not going to be a wasted night! How old are you?

Have you read all of OPs updates?

She's more than happy to pay the full bill. They both agreed this is the place they wanted to go. She's said if she doesn't feel it's right she will pay the bill and leave.

It doesn't matter what the date is, and I say this as someone whose first date with DH was a shared bag of chips sat on the floor of a pier, that's between THEM. It's the behaviour around it that OP wants to discuss.

But Op isn’t asking about whether she should like fine dining or not for a first date? I assume she’s not 18 and is an adult old enough to know what she likes to do on dates and how she likes to date.

Why are some posters so resistant to the idea that people like doing different things for first dates?

And can’t you see the issue with a man promising A,b and C and then changing the goal posts and saying he will only do X, Y and Z? It’s the principle of the thing.

Men typically show their best in the first few months so if he’s not following through on commitments now it’s a red flag.

What YOU or I would prefer for a first date it utterly irrelevant.

No, she doesn't. But, if someone has told you they're doing something, would you just do it anyway? Duplication of effort? Two bookings for one restaurant if he had actually followed through?

That's not what I said. You've invented a scenario that wasn't what I posted.

I was looking at the bigger picture. It seems she wants to be a princess and have a man falling over himself to woo her. Along with wine and dine.

From a practical point of view, as they were having trouble setting the date (she was delaying to suit herself) AND she knows the restaurant, it would have been fine for her to offer to book it on the basis she knows it - they know her (presumably) - and that's always good to ensure you get a good table.

She's said a lot but not actually said how he messed up the booking.
It seems to be a huge fuss over a booking that could be moved to another date. And, frankly, ridiculous.

If she gets so upset over something like this how would she cope in a relationship long term?
I wonder if she's ever had one?

Blimey , this thread is exhausting. Yes you are a complete princess. Yes you are high maintenance. But then he knew this when he agreed to go out on a date. If you have been put off by this incident just move on. It wouldn’t be my choice, but then I wouldn’t have gone about any of this in the same way. Doubt you’re going to change your personality any more than I’d change mine. Find someone who can meet your expectations with whatever compromises you’re willing to make (there will always be compromises).