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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

First date ick - am I being a princess?

1000 replies

Brummytobites · 26/01/2026 15:01

I’ve gotten the ick today and I’m a bit gutted. Speaking to someone new, it’s all been very fast paced as in talking 24/7, emotionally sharing, he’s invited me on a date for the first day we chatted, I’ve held off for what is now just over 4 weeks.

We’re supposed to be going out in our city centre this weekend. Booked the table at a great and very fancy restaurant that we both like a couple of weeks back, kept having to amend the date as he was suggesting seeing me sooner but I’ve held firm on leaving it a few weeks, only to now find he’s messed up the booking and there’s no space available for the day we’d planned. He’s now frantically suggesting various other places but they are much more casual. I’m annoyed. I’d ordered a new - very dressy - outfit. Booked in my nails etc. made a real effort.

I feel bitchy for saying I don’t want to go to any of these places but equally why should I lower my standards? I was looking forward to a weekend dinner and drinks at a lively place. The date place is somewhere I can and do go alone with friends and family so it’s not like I’m relying on a meal ticket, it’s definitely a “destination bar/restaurant” He’s a little bit insecure and seems to be seeking my assurance that he’s not annoyed me frequently - which up to now he hasn’t - so I think he can tell I’m a little ticked off and I’m feeling very awkward about even raising the issue.

I realise this sounds silly but it’s really annoyed me. This guy has basically been saying he’s ready do give me the world for the past month and banged on about liking the same places and his general generosity. What would you do? AIBU to expect someone to be more organised and meet my expectations?

OP posts:
ClearFruit · 26/01/2026 22:48

Brummytobites · 26/01/2026 15:07

The reason this place was chosen was because during talking we’d both expressed how we like the finer things in life.

if I eat out multiple times a week (as does he) why wouldn’t you want a first date to be a bit special? I’m not going somewhere I’d go on a Tuesday afternoon and calling it an occasion

Fuck me. Listen to yourself 🤣

OakleyAnnie · 26/01/2026 22:51

Brummytobites · 26/01/2026 18:10

I would rather be single for the rest of my life than be “less fussy” I make myself happy, I earn well, I have great friends, have fun most days. I’m not completed by a relationship. If someone isn’t actively ADDING to my life then I’m fine without them. Meeting me where I’m at won’t do it for me. And no it’s not great that your husband doesn’t take you out ffs

Do you have a lot of money, OP? I don’t think you’ve mentioned that 😜

atamlin · 26/01/2026 22:51

I don’t think it’s a good idea to “get to know” a potential date by texting for weeks beforehand. Best to just have a meet up early on and see if there is chemistry. That’s what I did and it was much easier and less stressful.

Voneska · 26/01/2026 22:52

I'm confused at the remarks about PAYING the WHOLE bill ( if you don't like someone ) surely if you don't like someone then you go to the powder room and book a taxi, or ask the bar tender to book you a taxi. Why would ' Not Liking someone deemed YOU liable for ALL expenses..?????? The Mind Boggles.

Stravaig · 26/01/2026 23:00

He's been telling you what he thinks you want to hear hoping for an early meet-up and possibly easy sex; you've been stalling trying to stage-manage your perfect Insta-worthy first date. Now he's panicked because he can't afford a fancy place nor hold his own there in dress or conversation; and you are petulant because you've not being paying attention to who he actually is, only to whether he fits into your pre-written fairytale romance script.

Total fucking disaster and none of it has anything to do with an authentic connection between two people who know themselves and value what is genuinely important in life.

MummyMIH · 26/01/2026 23:05

The first time you meet someone (if you’ve been talking online) is actually like date zero. For this reason I do think something casual is better, less pressure whilst you suss out if you even fancy them / have chemistry. Then if you do feel a spark more effort can be put into the next date.
I do understand why you are disappointed as he seems to have contradicted himself, but surely you should just meet him & see if he’s worth all this fuss…!

MidnightMeltdown · 26/01/2026 23:08

No self respecting man wants a ‘princess’. This is not the way to find a decent partner OP.

LiveToTell · 26/01/2026 23:09

Brummytobites · 26/01/2026 15:07

The reason this place was chosen was because during talking we’d both expressed how we like the finer things in life.

if I eat out multiple times a week (as does he) why wouldn’t you want a first date to be a bit special? I’m not going somewhere I’d go on a Tuesday afternoon and calling it an occasion

Fucking hell 😂😂

velvetgeranium · 26/01/2026 23:10

Speaking to someone new, it’s all been very fast paced as in talking 24/7, emotionally sharing, he’s invited me on a date for the first day we chatted, I’ve held off for what is now just over 4 weeks.

You're supposed to meet early. The bit where you hold off for a few weeks or whatever is the sex part.

All very intense, 24/7 contact - you can get that with a Nigerian Prince.

CactusSammy · 26/01/2026 23:11

He’s getting arsey. Red flags all round really

Are you really sure you want to go on this date? He wants to give you the world, facetimes you constantly, puts on a sulky baby voice, and get arsey with you when he doesnt get his own way. And that's before you've even met him in person.

This is a really bad idea.

BunnyLake · 26/01/2026 23:13

Uhghg · 26/01/2026 20:18

❤️❤️❤️

I always go for cheap dates because I think if you can have a good time with someone on a walk or in McDonald’s then it shows you’re truly compatible.

It’s about the person, not the fancy experience.

Totally agree. In fact the more simple the date the better, I would want to get to know someone without all the bells and whistles. An uncluttered, minimalist meeting. Maybe I just became too jaded with all the ‘fancy’ stuff because I was so unhappy.

TwinklySquid · 26/01/2026 23:14

TragicMuse · 26/01/2026 20:11

OP, I think you’re getting an unnecessary kicking, but it’s AIBU, and the gloves come off!

I’m going to take a different view to most of the comments here. I think he’s love-bombing you and is now seeing what you’ll tolerate when he doesn’t do what he said he would or has led you to expect.

He kept pushing for meeting sooner and making bookings when you’d been clear that you didn’t want to yet. Maybe hoping you’d buckle and give in.

Now he’s not booked at all, again hoping you’ll compromise your expectations and standards.

He can say what he likes, it’s what he does that matters. And he’s fallen at the first fence. It’s a restaurant booking it’s not rocket science. And then he’s been sulky about you being less than enthusiastic about his fuck-up.

If it was me and I was already disappointed, feeling pressured, and having huge claims on my time I’d be calling it off…

I don’t think you’re being a princess. But even if you are, we’re constantly told to know our worth, raise the bar etc etc. so if this is your line that’s absolutely fine. Be true to yourself.

Edited

Having read OPs posts, I also think he’s loving bombing. He knows what she is like and now testing if she’ll cave and lower her standards.

justhereforthecomments25 · 26/01/2026 23:16

As someone who did a lot of successful and unsuccessful online dating, whilst single, I think it’s possibly more useful for you to have an honest think about whether this focus and approach to dating has been working in the way that you’d like it to, prior to now. It’s entirely acceptable to prioritise anything you want, when deciding who to romantically engage with - sex, kindness, money, anything. The question is, has prioritising the stereotypical big first date that involves a fancy venue, a shopping trip for the new, perfect outfit, hair, nails and make up appointments, leading you to the kind of people and dynamics that you’re interested in, until now? From my experience, chatting for long spells of time without actually meeting in person isn’t actually helping you get to know a person, to see if it’s worth meeting up in person, it’s setting up an increasingly larger expectation when, as people have said, chatting online isn’t really going to help you learn very much about a person or the connection you might have with them, at all. Someone putting off meeting for weeks, and preferring to keep chatting online, instead, would actually be a negative rather than a positive, for me. Liking the finer things in life is absolutely brilliant - but it’s not really enough to hang a quality, long term relationship on and I’d caution it’s possibly not the best value to prioritise in a life partner, unless the type of relationship you’re looking for is superficial, at best, and possibly a bit transactional, at worst. What kind of men have you been dating, with this as your main focus, before now? Have you liked them? If not, broadening your horizons of what you might be looking for, in a partner (or reviewing your standards, as you might call them) might be a help rather than a hinderance. The best thing I found about online dating is, actually, what you think you’re looking for sometimes ends up being the complete opposite to what you really want and need, when you find it. Be careful not to get in your own way, with a set of overly rigid criteria for what your ideal relationship and partner look like. That’s not lowering your standards - just making sure the ones you’ve held for yourself, thus far, aren’t actually something keeping you from something and someone better (though possibly different) than the image you’ve built, in your head. I think your age is possibly relevant in this, as well, to be honest - in your twenties, absolutely, get done up, go on the big fancy first dates with the flashy guys, for a while, you’ll likely come to this perspective, yourself, in time, and have had a lot of fun, a good few funny stories and some really worthwhile life lessons, under your belt, to have made it worth your while. In your thirties? I see a lot of women (myself, at times, included) mistaking standards for persisting with a tick box list of qualities in a partner and relationship they hold as necessities that haven’t been working for them, for the last decade or so, and likely won’t all of a sudden start to, now. Hope you find the dates you’re looking for, out there, regardless. It’s a tricky but often fun game.

Stravaig · 26/01/2026 23:35

Uhghg · 26/01/2026 20:18

❤️❤️❤️

I always go for cheap dates because I think if you can have a good time with someone on a walk or in McDonald’s then it shows you’re truly compatible.

It’s about the person, not the fancy experience.

You've reminded me that each of my serious relationships began with an accidental meeting when I was full of snot and cough, or broke and wearing raggedy second-hand clothes, or covered in scrapes and bruises and chalk-dust, or sunburned and sweaty with dirt-filled nails and tangled hair. I believe in getting to know a real person, not some fake plastic simulcrum play-acting a schlocky am-dram version of relationship and intimacy.

Cherryicecreamx · 26/01/2026 23:36

I actually disagree with a lot of these comments. I'm with you, I like to have a nice date night. You don't have to marry the guy to enjoy a fancy night out together! It's all part of it, getting dressed up and ready to go out. After waiting and getting your hopes up, I'd be disappointed too. I'm a bit unsure how he can mess up a reservation too?

WonderingWanda · 26/01/2026 23:37

You sound quite tedious to be honest.

I wonder if his "mistake" is designed to check if you really are as shallow as you are coming across.

HisNotHes · 26/01/2026 23:41

Brummytobites · 26/01/2026 15:07

The reason this place was chosen was because during talking we’d both expressed how we like the finer things in life.

if I eat out multiple times a week (as does he) why wouldn’t you want a first date to be a bit special? I’m not going somewhere I’d go on a Tuesday afternoon and calling it an occasion

“why wouldn’t you want a first date to be a bit special?“
because it’s a first date! Not an anniversary. Just has to be decent, not lavish. The main purpose is getting to know each other in person and seeing if you’re compatible enough for a second date. You sound like incredibly hard work, good luck to him.

LBFseBrom · 26/01/2026 23:42

I gather you haven't even met this guy! It all seems a bit much for a first meeting, something far more low key would be better. Supposing you don't really go for eadh other when you meet, if you are just having an ordinary meal in a nearby town, or even coffee one morning, it's easier to get home and put it behind you.

What you seem to want is OTT, you can do all that when you are a going concern with someone, not when completely new to each other. If I was him I'd be terrified!

Shakespearandi · 26/01/2026 23:46

YANBU. I would ditch. Because of how he has handled the whole situation. Fine, messed up with the booking but sort something equal or change the date. Not putting on baby voices, being disgruntled if you don't respond the way he wants you to etc. Enough red flags to call it off. At least you realised before you went out. I'd think if he is already annoying you, it won't get any better. Don't lower your standards. Go out with friends instead.

Phoenixfire1988 · 26/01/2026 23:50

Do the bloke a favour and cut him loose you sound like seriously hard work and a pain in the arse !

Fluff11 · 26/01/2026 23:58

It’s ok to want the first date to be special but it’s not ok to be intolerant when human mistakes happen. I’m high maintenance😂 I get it I like a nice date with special effort and my husband does that, but if I hadn’t given him a chance early on and been understanding when plans changed or situations like this I wouldn’t be in this loving relationship now!
Also 4 weeks talking is a long time and puts a lot of pressure on a first date as you’re both already emotionally invested. It is ok to go on a date somewhere sooner, somewhere public so you feel safe and comfortable.

AndGodCreatedWomen · 26/01/2026 23:58

Brummytobites · 26/01/2026 15:05

Well, no. I’m not going to meet someone I’ve met on Instagram for a coffee without getting to know them first. Why would I put myself in that situation?

Where to start? I despair.

patooties · 27/01/2026 00:07

I’m about 100 posts in and laughing my head off at you both.
he sounds like a weekend millionaire and you sound like you’d be impressed by his turkey teeth and too short too tight pants and weird slip on shoes.

in real life people don’t move like this - it’s fake a hell.

HarvestMouseandGoldenCups · 27/01/2026 00:14

You’re being ridiculous, shallow. You’re angry at someone for making a mistake about a restaurant. It’s not a big deal and you sound mean.

Also you used the word ‘pertained’ incorrectly.

HamJam1 · 27/01/2026 00:22

How can you claim to value your time but spend hours a day facetiming a guy you've never met?

Have some self respect!

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