First date ick - am I being a princess?

[Brummytobites]

I’ve gotten the ick today and I’m a bit gutted. Speaking to someone new, it’s all been very fast paced as in talking 24/7, emotionally sharing, he’s invited me on a date for the first day we chatted, I’ve held off for what is now just over 4 weeks.

We’re supposed to be going out in our city centre this weekend. Booked the table at a great and very fancy restaurant that we both like a couple of weeks back, kept having to amend the date as he was suggesting seeing me sooner but I’ve held firm on leaving it a few weeks, only to now find he’s messed up the booking and there’s no space available for the day we’d planned. He’s now frantically suggesting various other places but they are much more casual. I’m annoyed. I’d ordered a new - very dressy - outfit. Booked in my nails etc. made a real effort.

I feel bitchy for saying I don’t want to go to any of these places but equally why should I lower my standards? I was looking forward to a weekend dinner and drinks at a lively place. The date place is somewhere I can and do go alone with friends and family so it’s not like I’m relying on a meal ticket, it’s definitely a “destination bar/restaurant” He’s a little bit insecure and seems to be seeking my assurance that he’s not annoyed me frequently - which up to now he hasn’t - so I think he can tell I’m a little ticked off and I’m feeling very awkward about even raising the issue.

I realise this sounds silly but it’s really annoyed me. This guy has basically been saying he’s ready do give me the world for the past month and banged on about liking the same places and his general generosity. What would you do? AIBU to expect someone to be more organised and meet my expectations?

Agreed.

OP I think the problem is actually that your standards aren’t high enough, not about the right things anyway. You’ve let someone you have never even met take up a disproportionate amount of your time and thoughts, and got in a position where - again - someone you have never met has disappointed you.

I think you’re unreasonable to have not got the ick long before the restaurant booking issue. You’ll find a lot of people are agreeing with you that you’re not unreasonable to cut this one loose, it’s just most people wouldn’t let it get to this point! There’s a reason people are asking you why you don’t just arrange a coffee date in future, and it’s not because the rest of us plebs consider a flat white the height of luxury 😂

Men often say things women expect to hear, not because they actually mean it. So I would take it with a pinch of salt.

I would also be a bit disappointed, he’s not stuck by what he said, you can’t rely on him to book a reservation, however it does seems like he’s trying to make the effort to see you. I would be honest, don’t like the sound of those restaurants, let’s try here, you make the booking. For first dates I’m more drinks only, only because if I’m not feeling it, I don’t want to eat a meal with them.

Gosh, you both sound exhaustingly high maintenance. I couldn't be doing with this level of drama at any point, let alone before the first date.

OP, I think you've been stringing him along, loving the attention, while you thought he was loaded and "enjoyed the finer things in life"
I think you like the drama, the attention.
You kept putting back the date to finally meet because, as you said in a previous post, you think a man should pursue you if he's interested.
You say he's obsessed with you, facetiming all the time, but YOU have also chosen to answer and engage with him each time.
And now that he isn't taking you to the all important, Instagram friendly, destination venue, you've got cold feet.
Because it seems the venue is more important to you than the man.

"Well, no. I’m not going to meet someone I’ve met on Instagram for a coffee without getting to know them first. Why would I put myself in that situation?"

Eh? So you'll happily meet him in a fancy restaurant after only chatting on instagram, but you couldn't possibly do a coffee shop? How old are you, about 20 because this whole treat me like a princess malarkey is so cringey.

If the venue is more important ( as that is how it sounds) just reschedule for another weekend !

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. You both bonded over liking the finer things in life.
Part of dating is going somewhere nice and getting dressed up and being excited about it!

Well yes, you are being a princess. But that's allowed, you're owning it and you're looking for a man who is compatible with it. To thine own self be true, and that's what you're doing.

The occasion would not be the place you meet him but the act of meeting him and the time you spend together.

Why not do something simple like go for a walk then out for coffee or tea and see how it goes? Then book this special place and wear the dress. Why wear the dress too soon?

I totally agree, people have jumped on the money/fancyrestaurant thing, it's about faking and upselling to impress, not sure why, no matter who it's just really unattractive so yanbu I don't think at all, you both set out and don't match really, so move on but I get your pov

So what if OP liked the attention and wanted to ensure the guy was invested. She should!

It sounds like the guy wasn't genuine, though.
Hard "no."

Hi @Brummytobites - you asked if you are being a Princess and it may be so...

I haven't RTFT but why don't you reschedule if it is such a deal breaker? He can't magic a reservation.

Find a solution you ate both happy with (even if not "that place, somewhere as nice") go and see if a relationship had potential.

Don't blame him you got a new outfit or nail appointment. That is something you chose.

What specifically went wrong with the booking btw? Don't you just select a date and time and check availability?

Best of luck

I think youre ridiculous if this is about liking him and finding a partner.

You waited weeks (i think thats OK tbh, safety first and all that) but also insisted this date is a big deal in a posh place.

He messed up the booking we've all done that. So if its him youre excited about rebook for another date, and go somewhere else for your first meet up. If its about wearing a dress somewhere posh, sack him off and go somewhere with your friends

Being called high maintenance isn't a complement.
This guy will never live up to your expectations. You haven't even met him yet and he has pissed you off!Forget about any date.

Surely meeting someone for coffee is how you get to know them?

The restaurant is a shame, but these things happen, just go somewhere else this time and book it for another time 🤷🏼‍♀️

Op you sound like you have zero chill.

Rather than ‘getting the ick’ and being mardy and what sounds like him becoming anxious because you’re clearly not happy, just say no worries, I don’t thing we’re suited and move on.
if you’re saying it’s not a meal ticket and you could go there whenever you want, why is it such a big deal?
You’re high maintenance, just find a bloke who likes those types of women and let your prospective date go and find someone who can be a bit more impromptu.
if I was that guy I’d have just sacked you off by now with this attitude before you’ve even met.

And wasting all the time of weeks of talking, 24/7 chat and emotionally sharing. 😬 Much better to meet sooner and see whether there’s any actual spark.

'The finer things in life' clearly don't extend to grammar..........

Well, we're all very different. And within that range, there's some extremes of personality.

I would find this more off putting than the restaurant situation. I am a veteran of online dating (met my husband on it) and found this sort of intense behaviour a real red flag. It builds up an expectation (in the man) that you’re already in a relationship and also who has the time? I’d rather talk to my friends or family than to man I’d never met. I always met them as soon as possible, in my case I preferred a coffee date first but that is up to you. Sounds like you need to throw this one back.

This. This is spot on.

’i value my time’ you said. But you don’t, because you’ve just wasted a month of your life pointlessly texting some muppet.

And, given the nastiness of your response to twistedwonder, I’ll now say - I enjoyed the irony of your using pertained completely incorrectly as if you’d used a thesaurus but didn’t know what it meant, and got another word completely wrong - in the same post that you boasted men need to live up to your intellectual standards.

The date sounds stressful. Why does it have to be a restaurant? Meeting up for a coffee is gar more relaxing than having to sit through a meal. I agree with another poster who states your expectations are high. Just chill out. You're not the only one going on the date. It's not all about you. I think you sound high maintenance so good luck trying to get off the starting block to dating.

How old are you OP?

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable, OP.

it sounds like you know yourself, and how you wanna live your life. You want someone who can align with that.

ignore a lot of the posts on here slagging you off. A lot of mumsnetters never even want to leave their house! Socialising, dressing up, etc is like anathema to them.

THIS