First date ick - am I being a princess?

[Brummytobites]

I’ve gotten the ick today and I’m a bit gutted. Speaking to someone new, it’s all been very fast paced as in talking 24/7, emotionally sharing, he’s invited me on a date for the first day we chatted, I’ve held off for what is now just over 4 weeks.

We’re supposed to be going out in our city centre this weekend. Booked the table at a great and very fancy restaurant that we both like a couple of weeks back, kept having to amend the date as he was suggesting seeing me sooner but I’ve held firm on leaving it a few weeks, only to now find he’s messed up the booking and there’s no space available for the day we’d planned. He’s now frantically suggesting various other places but they are much more casual. I’m annoyed. I’d ordered a new - very dressy - outfit. Booked in my nails etc. made a real effort.

I feel bitchy for saying I don’t want to go to any of these places but equally why should I lower my standards? I was looking forward to a weekend dinner and drinks at a lively place. The date place is somewhere I can and do go alone with friends and family so it’s not like I’m relying on a meal ticket, it’s definitely a “destination bar/restaurant” He’s a little bit insecure and seems to be seeking my assurance that he’s not annoyed me frequently - which up to now he hasn’t - so I think he can tell I’m a little ticked off and I’m feeling very awkward about even raising the issue.

I realise this sounds silly but it’s really annoyed me. This guy has basically been saying he’s ready do give me the world for the past month and banged on about liking the same places and his general generosity. What would you do? AIBU to expect someone to be more organised and meet my expectations?

It isn’t about how fancy it is @Nevs, it’s about the length of time it takes. A fancier dinner tends to be longer too. It’s a massively childish risk, caught up in mills and boon romance, given you have absolutely no idea whether you will like each other in the flesh.

yes

The only piece of advice I have is for your 'date' - run as fast as you can😊

OK fair enough then maybe I'm lucky - I met my DH when we were both students though so very different from OLD.

Yep. Wanting to be treated like a princess is playing along with the patriarchy and the outdated gender roles where women are there as possessions and decoration rather than equals

I feel bad for the guy - if you're giving off grumpy vibes and he's obviously sensing it, to be looking for reassurance.

Imo it's a bit odd to be hesitant to meet irl (obviously in a public place), but be "sharing emotionally". That's surely chancier?

You both sound a bit nuts (you more so).

Do you honestly believe him when he says he wants to give you the world?
He’s never even met you.

Gently, you sound very naive.

Next time, meet for a quick coffee and see if the vibes off or not.
If it’s off don’t waste any more time.
If it seems ok then arrange a more proper date.

And the reason dinner dates are not a great idea is we’ve all been stuck over 3 courses with a man we knew after 30 seconds we wanted to score from.

Again, it’s not a “massively childish risk” if £200 is pocket change to you. “Childish” is an odd take to have on it too, sounds almost… bitter? And I don’t know how you respond to your dates but mine take as long or as short as I want them to. Not all of us sit there passively going through the motions on an awkward date.

We met in real life and he treated me like a princess (although I hope I didn’t behave like one). But I was so unhappy I’d have happily swapped him for a milkman. Instead I swapped him for being a single mum and much happier for it. Just my bad luck I guess. Glad for you though, I love a happy love story, 😊

@Brummytobites I think people are missing the point - i didnt have same approach to dating as you which is fine but I have got the ick on your behalf just reading all this because he has clearly just said whatever he thinks you want to hear, no action to back it up (all he had to do was book a table at mutually agreed place) and is now doing weird baby voice and trying to persuade you to continue rather than fixing the issue. You're not compatible just leave it honestly. He sounds like he likes the idea of being someone you would date but isn't actually that kind of person (which is itself is fine, just dont bloody fake it!)

You're way too invested in a first date, and now you're disappointed because it's not going to be as perfect as you envisaged.

Doesn't bode well for a relationship. Have you had many/any LT relationships? You sound in love with the idea of it all.

You sound like a nightmare and a spoilt diva to be totally blunt.

It's good that you know what kind of lifestyle you want (given that you're paying for it yourself). you want high end places, you wouldn't be happy to socialise over a pint in your local 'Spoons. It is important in how compatible you are.

I dont see why an equally lovely alternative couldn't be found though.

And busy people, late January, really expecting to need to book so far ahead for a first date is a bit odd.

As is FaceTiming for hours each day - where do you get the time?

The need for reassurance would piss me off.

Have you not realised how shallow you are. The guy should run for the hills.

I agree. I don’t ever want to be treated like a princess again. Fair enough it was nearly thirty year’s ago, but I’m still stuck seeing him every so often because of our kids. And he can still be bloody patronising.

I agree, you are a princess and the whole thing seems to be more about the venue and your expectations than actually learning more about each other. Anyone with half a brain would have gone for a coffee date first to see how things went, rather than holding out for an expensive restaurant. You seem to be a style over substance kind of person.

Why are you even asking the question btw. An overwhelming number of us think YABU and yet you still insist you are not.

How exactly has he messed up the booking? He can’t just redo for the next week?

Hmmm. So I used to be a bit like you. I was out 5 nights a week and most of time weekends and money wasn’t really a consideration. In theory you’d think I was taken on amazing dates. And I was. But they we weren’t the ones that really sparked me. One guy I dated was a billionaire and several were many millions wealthy. Most men are rubbish at organising anything. I wouldn’t use this as a judgement, you want an equal not a PA, presumably? In any case I don’t think the venue is important for a 1st date. You’re deliberately contriving so much build up. There might be no spark, what a waste of time. Just meet him and see if you get on.

Thank you and so sorry things didn't work out for you. You definitely made the right choice though - money definitely can't buy happiness and life is far too short to be unhappy. x

Saying you’re being “a princess” would imply some positive characteristics. You’re being a total dick.

I don't think the OP is wrong to not want to meet him anymore.

Yes, a lot of us don't agree with her approach to dating and think it's a bit ridiculous. But she's being perfectly upfront about who she is, and that's important. The only wrong way to date is to hide who you are and release a version of you that you cannot sustain.

If this really matters to her - if setting a test for him to pass is what she needs - she should do it. Given they met via IG, I can only assume she is of the stunning model pretty variety and in which case, let her play games while she she has her looks. You can't be this demanding forever, so let her make the most of this window.

@Brummytobites If you have the ick, there's no walking it back - especially this early on. You feel what you feel. Cut loose.

He should run for the hills. Sorry 😔

Thank you for not missing the point of the thread as so many others have!

I would be happy with an equally lovely alternative. But that’s not what was proposed. Think the likes of planning hakkasan and then getting miller and carter. There’s plenty of other places but these weren’t suggested.

I appreciate this may be a drip feed but I’m also ND and struggle with change of plans when I’ve had something set in my mind. He knows this.

the FaceTiming, he works from home running online businesses and I’m having 6 months off because I’ve been ill and my finances permit (I own businesses in the finance industry). So both currently have lots of free time.

the thread wasn’t about whether my standards are too high, it was AIBU to be annoyed at the lack of organisation, the talk not being followed through, and the intensity to basically fall flat when it could have been avoided. Obviously all of this has been worsened by him whining that I’m cross with him and sucking up to me. Basically he’s told me what I want to hear by the sounds of things, I know it’s not financial, I’ve done some digging and he is who he says he is.

and it’s not that he’s gone off the idea as he seems utterly obsessed with me (maybe too much so). It’s done the opposite and now he’s fawning about trying to win me back over. When each attempt isn’t met with “oh my gosh what a fool I’ve been for being annoyed, take me now!” He’s getting arsey. Red flags all round really

i also truly couldn’t care less about being called high maintenance. Yes, I am. It’s not an insult.

I’ve often pondered what ‘high maintenance’ means … and then I read this post 🤣