First date ick - am I being a princess?

[Brummytobites]

I’ve gotten the ick today and I’m a bit gutted. Speaking to someone new, it’s all been very fast paced as in talking 24/7, emotionally sharing, he’s invited me on a date for the first day we chatted, I’ve held off for what is now just over 4 weeks.

We’re supposed to be going out in our city centre this weekend. Booked the table at a great and very fancy restaurant that we both like a couple of weeks back, kept having to amend the date as he was suggesting seeing me sooner but I’ve held firm on leaving it a few weeks, only to now find he’s messed up the booking and there’s no space available for the day we’d planned. He’s now frantically suggesting various other places but they are much more casual. I’m annoyed. I’d ordered a new - very dressy - outfit. Booked in my nails etc. made a real effort.

I feel bitchy for saying I don’t want to go to any of these places but equally why should I lower my standards? I was looking forward to a weekend dinner and drinks at a lively place. The date place is somewhere I can and do go alone with friends and family so it’s not like I’m relying on a meal ticket, it’s definitely a “destination bar/restaurant” He’s a little bit insecure and seems to be seeking my assurance that he’s not annoyed me frequently - which up to now he hasn’t - so I think he can tell I’m a little ticked off and I’m feeling very awkward about even raising the issue.

I realise this sounds silly but it’s really annoyed me. This guy has basically been saying he’s ready do give me the world for the past month and banged on about liking the same places and his general generosity. What would you do? AIBU to expect someone to be more organised and meet my expectations?

So he has tried to make you agree to an earlier date, you have set a boundary... now the time has come for the date, and he hasn't booked the restaurant? Or organised the date properly, nor has he arranged another nice place to go to for a date?

It stinks to me of someone who talks the talk but has no actions to back the talk up.

yuk. You can be as high maintenance as you want to be, I am so saddened by those who cant/dont follow through with their actions. I dont need to be a princess - I am far too independent and certainly dont need rescuing by a man, but I do expect a level of respect and if my date cant even book a nice restaurant then it doesnt bode well for any of the other important things in life.

I have a loving, kind, husband who would move mountains for me, would give me the world and tries his best to look after me - as I do him, its called effort.

OK now I've got the ick too.

Too much for someone he's never met

Liking the finer things in life (wtf? Who doesn’t like the finer things in life 😂) isn’t “setting a standard” for the man you accept into your life!! Standards = totally trustworthy, honest, loyal, responsible, not flaky. “Only likes fancy restaurants and treats me to expensive food and drinks” isn’t a relevant or noteworthy or interesting or important or reasonable standard if you’re looking for a life partner, even if you do find it attractive.

This thread has actually helped shed light on my SIL, who sounds exactly like OP. Similar “why should I settle?”, “I have an amazing lifestyle all under my own steam, why should I give that up?” (in addition, in her case, to “how can I be attracted to someone who isn’t better/bigger/sportier/healthier etc than me”), yet desperate for a partner and totally confused and now depressed that she can’t find one. When you suggest she might like to adjust things so she doesn’t come across as a high maintenance princess, all she hears is criticism and she immediately goes on the defensive with “why should I lower my standards?”, not realising that her “standards” aren’t what’s putting men off or the obstacle to finding someone. It’s the prioritization of her expectations of what a man should be (by her standards) over what’s sitting in front of her, all the good and all the bad. She’s kissed so many princes masquerading as frogs and she doesn’t even know it because all she’s looking for is a knight in shining armour.

So, thanks OP! And good luck.

The whole thing sounds hellish.

4 weeks of chatting, never even met, ‘sharing emotionally’, big glamorous first date …how old are you both? It’s all a bit fantasy land Instagram, innit?

Your later messages have also given me the ick! Everyone messes up sometimes, it’s how you come back from it that counts. I assume it would be much better if he said “I’m really sorry I’ve messed up the booking but here are two other places of the same type which do you have availability on our chosen date and time and I’ve booked them both, what would you prefer?”

I can’t be dealing with a grown man needing multiple facetimes a day, long strings of messages constantly, and using a baby voice when he’s got something wrong!

Sounds like he’s got an idea of how he wants to be, but it’s not actually how he is.

I’m strongly of the opinion that everyone should date in exactly the way that they choose to and just accept that if they put up lots of conditions, they’re not gonna meet very many people. And that’s fine!

This

The danger with OLD and having an ongoing conversation before meeting, is that it's easy to assume the prospective date has the qualities you're looking for because you're falling in love with yourself and your own words. Dates often mirror each other's words in text conversations and it's easy to miss red flags.

That's why an early date is helpful to root out time wasters.

My DB took his now-wife out for a drink for their first date. When he asked what she would like to drink, she replied "champagne". That's when he knew she was right for him. He told me she had standards and expensive tastes. They've been very happy for 18 years.

Have a quick drink a few days after you first make contact. Order champagne. You'll see if they can afford it or are used to it and you'll instantly know if they are right for you.

If you value your time, don't waste it speaking to someone for four weeks before meeting them.

He could be amazing. Entirely aligned with your goals and ambitions and values etc. You could really start falling for him. Then you could meet him and find you do not fancy him one tiny bit.

Fair enough if you want the first date to be glamorous and expensive, nothing wrong with that. But do it sooner or you’re wasting so much of your time on someone you don’t know if you’ll find attractive in person.

You come over as a princess.
He comes over as a creepy weirdo.
To be fair you both give me the ick!

My first date with DH was a bit like that. We’ve been married for 25 years.
stop being so shallow op.

You say the guy feels the same ?
U don't know that for sure all you really know is what he's been telling u over text messages u may meet and Have literally no chemistry u are bonding over texting it's not real !
Be careful and for for a casual date and see if he is who he says he is x

I never understand why someone comes on mumsnet, posts an aibu post but then not agree or listen to what anybody says until that one or two posts come up to say your right to be feeling the way you do. Basically what you want is everyone to agree with you. Baffles me! If hes given you the ick and you feel the way you do just bloody tell him! Jesus your a grown woman and like the finer things in life, that you say you can provide for yourself. Why mess around if thats how your feeling

I'm not sure given the princess behaviour, endless Facetiming and silly baby voices that you're not completely suited, but maybe make some suggestions. Jousting for your hand in full plate armour perhaps?

You seem to want what was quite usual in eg the 80s, ie first date in a nice restaurant, while in reality faffing around online (etc) for a month with someone you've never actually seen in the flesh. It doesn't work like that, because then (when you agreed to a date) you'd actually met and had some embryonic vague idea whether you fancied each other or not.

I did have high hopes but now I feel very deflated

entirely your own doing. That is what people have been trying to tell you throughout your post, but you haven’t been able to understand what they meant.

it is silly to text endlessly because it isn’t real. In this guys case it sounds like he actually had zero intention of going out with you, anywhere. He was just enjoying the - absolutely pointless - ego boosting excitement of you both being fake.

you don’t know each other. You turned your nose up at a coffee and sneered at the suggestion, when that very thing would have stopped ‘you’ feeling deflated.

it is good to have boundaries. It is good to value yourself. But keep it realistic.

I haven't read full thread but I get the impression it's not where your going etc, it's more the image or expectation he's put on that's he's misled, tbh I also agree he purposely didn't book it or messed the booking up because he can't afford it, or it's not his thing really, anything, but wanted impress you I guess, but I agree it's made him look bad/unattractive/ick and your not wrong for that, and most people date people with similar financials and ideas, not all but most so that's not unreasonable too, I'd get the ick if someone put on a fake act to attract, no matter which way it was, money or not, it feels smarmy and incorrect = ick

Indeed. My favourite quote around online dating is "It's all bullshit until it happens". Absolutely nothing has "happened," she hasn't even seen this guy in real life and ascertained that he is who he says he is, and yet she's sharing deep and emotionally revealing things with him. He could jsut be saying anything, and she won't know until she gets to know him in person.

Personally I think if you’re two people who live a certain lifestyle (eating out several times a week and enjoy the finer things in life) I don’t think it’s unusual or asking too much for the date to live up to the usual standards you’re both use to. Part of dating is exploring shared mutual interests. I also dine out a lot and I’ve been on many dates in high end city centre restaurants, it’s really not that uncommon.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. He offered to treat you and now he’s downgrading the activity due to his own incompetence. I cannot stand disorganised men, however I would also suggest you consider that he never actually booked the venue, or had any intentions of going. A lot men like to talk to talk and pretend to be more financially successful than they actually are.

The only mistake you’ve made is posting for opinions on this platform, the majority will not agree with you. Mumsnet generally isn’t full of women who are living a lifestyle which involves dining out several nights a week. And in terms of romantic relationships- well, just scan through all the threads about the useless DPs if you want an idea of how low the bar is. To a large portion of posters, you will be seen as asking for too much. We’re all going to have different expectations and that’s fine, but don’t take life and relationship advice from those who don’t want or live your lifestyle. You’re probably best seeking advice from those of your current social circle.

The 24/7 texting sounds a bit much for me personally as well, however each to their own. You’re entitled to your style of communication just as you are entitled to live the lifestyle you’re living, and expecting from your future spouse.

End it now. He can then move on and find someone more reasonable and less ridiculous than you. Anyone who uses the word 'ick' would be a massive turn-off for most, so he would have had a lucky escape.

But what if you want to escape with the first 10 minutes of the date? You can't if you are committed to a swanky restaurant date that you sound like you are looking forward to more than meeting the man! This is why people suggest a quick coffee on a first meeting not to be cheap but to see if you even want to proceed!

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I suspect he has been saying he likes the same things because he is a people pleaser and wanted to impress you. But he got around to booking, then realised that no way could he afford it, and that he was going to be the one paying (or at least offering to cover it all).

He's accidentally on purpose let the booking slide so he could get somewhere less pricey.

He does not sound sure of himself, and 'treating you like a princess' is going to be his downfall. He needs to just be himself.

Out of interest, how old are you, OP?

with respect, you sound high maintenance 😄

Once upon a time, there was a princess who lived in a town with only one good restaurant. This princess loved red flags. She had many of her own. Then one day, she met a man, virtually, and he also had an abudence of red flags. It had all the makings of red flag utopia. Alas, after 4 long weeks, red flag man disappointed red flag and she got the ick. They all lived happy ever after, apart and alone. The end.

Reminds me a little of my sister who found some reason or another to refuse dates or breakdown and analyse a perceived flaw about men starting from her 20s. She was extremely attractive, intelligent, made her own way and impressive for many reasons.

She is now almost 50 and everyone has partnered up and had their family and so forth.

I wouldn’t make it a hard and fast rule to rule someone out and give at least two chances before calling it off/moving forward. Also about keeping expectations realistic.