First date ick - am I being a princess?

[Brummytobites]

I’ve gotten the ick today and I’m a bit gutted. Speaking to someone new, it’s all been very fast paced as in talking 24/7, emotionally sharing, he’s invited me on a date for the first day we chatted, I’ve held off for what is now just over 4 weeks.

We’re supposed to be going out in our city centre this weekend. Booked the table at a great and very fancy restaurant that we both like a couple of weeks back, kept having to amend the date as he was suggesting seeing me sooner but I’ve held firm on leaving it a few weeks, only to now find he’s messed up the booking and there’s no space available for the day we’d planned. He’s now frantically suggesting various other places but they are much more casual. I’m annoyed. I’d ordered a new - very dressy - outfit. Booked in my nails etc. made a real effort.

I feel bitchy for saying I don’t want to go to any of these places but equally why should I lower my standards? I was looking forward to a weekend dinner and drinks at a lively place. The date place is somewhere I can and do go alone with friends and family so it’s not like I’m relying on a meal ticket, it’s definitely a “destination bar/restaurant” He’s a little bit insecure and seems to be seeking my assurance that he’s not annoyed me frequently - which up to now he hasn’t - so I think he can tell I’m a little ticked off and I’m feeling very awkward about even raising the issue.

I realise this sounds silly but it’s really annoyed me. This guy has basically been saying he’s ready do give me the world for the past month and banged on about liking the same places and his general generosity. What would you do? AIBU to expect someone to be more organised and meet my expectations?

Are you worried that he might be a ‘future faker’, and maybe this is not his usual standard snd maybe he’s been mis selling himself? If so i understand you having 2nd thoughts.

You have absolutely no idea what someone is like until you meet them. There’s zero point in fannying around until that point. Are you new to online dating?

Straighten that crown and dry your eyes right this minute.

Princesses don’t cry. 👑
At least they don’t in public. ❤️

This is totally the wrong way to online date.
First week - quick chat, suss eachother out e.g similar interests, beliefs etc.
By the second week you want to have arranged a date, ideally something cheap with an easy exit plan e.g coffee, bar, pub.. Nothing too fancy.
That way you don't spend months getting emotionally invested in some creep.

If you had gone out for a coffee you would have found all this out by now….

This guy has basically been saying he’s ready do give me the world for the past month

Good grief you haven’t even met? He’s certainly a red flag and you… sound vulnerable to put it kindly.

You’ve invested loads of time messaging. I find the best Porsche is to meet quickly to see if you get on and there is chemistry, otherwise it’s a month or more wasted as you seem to have done here.

This. You will know within 10 seconds of physically meeting someone whether you fancy them/ things might grow/ oh no not a chance, goodbye. Quick coffee ideal. What if you'd met him , didn't fancy him in any way at all and then had to do an entire meal. Daft.

He’d no intention of booking it and was hoping all along you’d go with something cheaper.

Are you sure he’s not catfishing you? How can he spend hours FaceTiming and still have a job?

You’re just checking he hasn’t got two heads so it’s a bit mad to commit to a whole “date”. Go for a coffee.

Hello Liz Jones.

This is all just way too much for a first date. Back in my online dating days I’d meet quickly, if you take too long you’ll just end up disappointed when you actually meet in person and the chemistry isn’t there! Sack it off you sound incompatible anyway.

you need to be less fussy. I'm not saying this is greta but my husband never takes me out anywhere but he does have a lot of good qualities

I was thinking this too . I think the Op needs to get herself off to Dubai if she wants that kind of admiration and lifestyle.
I've worked for a lot of wealthy people and I don't think they would have described themselves as loving the finer things in life. It sounds very tacky 🤢

I would rather be single for the rest of my life than be “less fussy” I make myself happy, I earn well, I have great friends, have fun most days. I’m not completed by a relationship. If someone isn’t actively ADDING to my life then I’m fine without them. Meeting me where I’m at won’t do it for me. And no it’s not great that your husband doesn’t take you out ffs

Have you even had a phone conversation with him or just texting? He’s probably a massive creep. That’s from experience.

I’m going to go against the grain here and say I understand why you don’t want to go for a quick coffee and a dinner for a first date is a perfectly legitimate preference.

I get red flags about this man and feel this poster was spot on : “Basically his actions don’t match his words and this is always a red flag. As another poster said, Mumsnet is full of unreliable and inconsistent men who are full of big chat but cannot be relied upon.
I would be annoyed that he’d messed up one simple tasking. Especially as all the backwards-and-forwards were due to him trying to override your clearly stated preference for when you want to meet”.

It’s the fact he’s changed the goal posts and seems to be all talk and no action. Why can’t he find another restaurant that’s similar to the one you’ve planned to go to?

I struggle to believe he’s messed it up. It’s more a case of he wants you to settle for something more casual . That’s fine, but he should be honest with you seeing as that wasn’t the original plan.

He may even feel resentful you took so long to meet him so in his mind this is his way of taking back some control.

If he can’t even follow through on a first date without playing silly games, this is a non-starter. I’d not meet up with him.

To answer your question. Yes you are being a princess. What a palaver about an expensive restaurant for a first date.
Just give up on the idea of a date with him. He failed to get the restaurant of your choice. You are pissed off. It isn't going to work.

That sucks for you. Genuinely.

But perhaps raise your standards - instead of asking a woman to lower hers?

Yeah, he's dodged a bullet.

Haha me too 🙋🏻. I decided after being in the coffee shop ten minutes that I liked DH and we then extended the date but if we hadn't clicked I could have left quickly and minimal time wasted.

Then why are you emotionally sharing with him if he's a total stranger?

But yes, you're being a princess. Do you thimk he did it on purpose cos he can't afford the place? Isn't classy enough to go there? To test you?

You can't judge relationships or their quality by how often or not a couple go out.

I think you've misinterpreted this poster's point.

You have set your bar at wanting to be wined and dined at a flash restaurant.

That's not a good measure of you or a man.

93% of posters think you are in the wrong.

How long do you need to argue?
And why ask if you can't take criticism

Do you always have to be right- cos that's what comes over.

Your way or no way.

Because it's a safe way to start to get to know someone, and check them out in person (and they you) to see whether you're both interested in taking it a bit further.
Who was going to pay for the fancy restaurant?

You say you value your time and yet you've spent a month messaging somebody who is, frankly, pissing you about and pissing you off. If you'd have met earlier, you'd have wasted a lot less of your time.

Let's look at objective facts. He says he likes the finer things in life, wants to give you the world and and can well afford to do so, but he's trying to get you to go somewhere cheaper. He says he has his shit together and yet he has completely failed to secure a straightforward restaurant reservation. He says he wants to treat you like a princess and yet he's not honouring the timeline that you have communicated that you are comfortable.

He's no prize, and you owe him jack shit so just block and delete without further thought. I still think you could have found that out with a lot less emotional and time investment on your behalf, but you do you.