First date ick - am I being a princess?

[Brummytobites]

I’ve gotten the ick today and I’m a bit gutted. Speaking to someone new, it’s all been very fast paced as in talking 24/7, emotionally sharing, he’s invited me on a date for the first day we chatted, I’ve held off for what is now just over 4 weeks.

We’re supposed to be going out in our city centre this weekend. Booked the table at a great and very fancy restaurant that we both like a couple of weeks back, kept having to amend the date as he was suggesting seeing me sooner but I’ve held firm on leaving it a few weeks, only to now find he’s messed up the booking and there’s no space available for the day we’d planned. He’s now frantically suggesting various other places but they are much more casual. I’m annoyed. I’d ordered a new - very dressy - outfit. Booked in my nails etc. made a real effort.

I feel bitchy for saying I don’t want to go to any of these places but equally why should I lower my standards? I was looking forward to a weekend dinner and drinks at a lively place. The date place is somewhere I can and do go alone with friends and family so it’s not like I’m relying on a meal ticket, it’s definitely a “destination bar/restaurant” He’s a little bit insecure and seems to be seeking my assurance that he’s not annoyed me frequently - which up to now he hasn’t - so I think he can tell I’m a little ticked off and I’m feeling very awkward about even raising the issue.

I realise this sounds silly but it’s really annoyed me. This guy has basically been saying he’s ready do give me the world for the past month and banged on about liking the same places and his general generosity. What would you do? AIBU to expect someone to be more organised and meet my expectations?

I didn't mean it was a scam.

I think he's taking the piss...

They do have lovely carpets.

I'm wondering what she meant by "pertained to be compatible..."

pertained?

Not worth investing four weeks online with a stranger to take the piss, there is a deeper motive, I think it is financial but can"t figure out what the scam will be.

I'm with pretty much everyone else. Far too much for a first date. You're much too invested far too early considering you haven't even met in person yet.
I'd say he's a bit of a red flag too, simply because someone with good boundaries would have given you a 'thanks but no thanks' already.

YANBU he’s the sort who becomes a thoughtless husband that gives petrol station flowers on special occasions before skipping out to their time-hungry hobby.

DH took me to a Wetherspoons on one of our early dates. He’s from the US, he didn’t really know that some British people apparently sneer at it. We started off at a cute little cocktail bar and after a couple there he wanted to show me this cool pub he knew in an old converted bank with a vaulted ceiling that was falling down a bit, because I liked history. It was very cute.

God, sorry but you sound awful.

Find someone else, he'll never match up to your exacting standards.

@Manxexile So glad someone else asked that! I think it does not mean what she thinks it means ...

You can expect whatever you want, you're entitled to your standards but why do you get so annoyed/upset at a date that didn't even get be one yet. You've not invested much at this point. Just a few messages. So ehy make such a big deal out of it?

You found someone you thought could be a potential date. He has shown that he doesn't meet your expectation. End of, look for another one like everyone else dating.

Everyone has an ex what a stupid comment

I think this is very reasonable, OP, because it’s important that couples have similar tastes and preferences when it comes to this kind of thing.

It sounds like you're not that bothered about meeting him. If you're genuinely interested in someone it shouldn't matter if the restaurant isn't exactly what you wanted.

If you look back over your interactions has it been a lot of:

You: I like x, y,
Him: Oh me too

You: I like a, b, c
Him: Also me too! How amazing we're so compatible.

Then, he's had to think for himself and been put on the spot - finding a new restaurant - and it turns out maybe you don't like the same places, things etc. And his response shows he's actually a bit wet and not your type at all - fair enough. Good you've found out now.

It's clearly not the way others would do things but it's your life.

I think this is why it’s a bad idea to leave it so long before meeting. He’s just been telling you what you want to hear. If you’d met him weeks ago for a brief coffee you’d have sussed him out then. Second date is the big one, once you’ve worked out if you actually fancy him IRL.

next time meet them asap, then you’ll know if they are full of BS BEFORE you buy the new dress…

But that is being a princess...

Good god this all sounds absolutely ridiculous. Emotional sharing, him wanting to treat you like a princess, waiting a month to meet up and buying a new outfit yet texting 25/7 and face timing for HOURS at a time.

I would be so so turned off both/either of you for even being available for all that interaction. You're both very interested in the idea of each other which suggests you don't have fulfilling lives already.

You might think these 'high standards' of yours suggest high self esteem. It isn't coming across that way.

I cannot stress this enough. You cannot build connection or get to know a person via messaging. Next time go on a brief date to see if you're interested enough to meet up again and don't chat before the next one except to make arrangements.

I hope things work out the way you want. I just wanted to offer some thoughts to consider. All this expectation and framing of the man’s role and treating a woman, and liking the ‘finer’ things in life all seems to me to be superficial and almost play acting who you both are. You are making your ‘expectations’ clear and he is seeking to adapt accordingly. Is the connection about wanting the finer things in life the thing to pursue or maybe a better focus would be finding someone who is kind, sees you when you’ve just woken up and thinks you’re beautiful, gets on with your family and celebrates your successes without having their own ego dented? Fancy restaurant, new outfit, of course I’ll offer to pay, having the ick, I’m high maintenance all sound a bit kind of contrived and trying to control things to a high degree. I wonder if you’re setting things up to fail before they’ve even started. At the same time, this guy may be an idiot, I don’t know. Sorry, rambling a bit, but I hope you find what you’re looking for x

Seems to me the poor chap has dodged a bullet. You come across as way too precious for a first date.
(and i'm not exactly low maintenance myself.)

Well, this is a difficult one OP.

I think a lot of the behaviour you describe from him (stating he wants to "treat you like a princess"; insisting booking a restaurant is the "man's role" etc) would he a huge red flag to many of us.

However, I think you like this to a certain extent? Sorry if I have got this wrong, but I think that is what you are saying?

And you won't meet many intelligent men, I don't think, who will be happy to express these attitudes and play this role.

So perhaps you SHOULD stick with him. Because, booking cock-up aside (and let's face it, anyone can make a mistake) you sound quite compatible, and both of you do sound quite unusual in your approach to life, gender roles etc?

As long as you are both happy, I guess I hope it works out for you both? I dunno, whole thing does sound a bit weird to me. But we all like what we like, and it's not for me to judge if neither of you are hurting anyone else....

Coffee or more informal first is always a good idea! Why would arrange a date that has meant you’ve bought a new outfit, got nails done when you’ve never even met the guy! You might be there for one course and realise he is not for you!

You're going to attract men who want a trophy wife (mysoginists who treat women as less than) if you give off princess vibes. It looks like this has happened with his insistence that the man should be spoiling the woman and he wants to treat you like a princess. It stinks of love bombing to me.
It sounds like you're an independent person not looking for that so you may be best holding off on sharing about how you like the finer things in life but still looking for someone in your earnings bracket.

Listen love, have you learned NOTHING about relationships online?

seriously?

you’ve been wasting your time for weeks now, this guy could be bullshitting you for all you know and you will all the while be future faking yourself and building this up as a relationship and you haven’t met him, don’t know anything about him apart from what he says.

in future, coffee week one and then see if he’s worth a dinner date.

Yanbu OP. He’s let you down and in my experience it will always be ‘something’ has gone wrong. Having standards isn’t being hard work at all, you can choose whether or not to date someone for the teeniest silliest reason you want. It’s your choice and you don’t owe anyone time and access to your body

What do you mean hes "messed up the booking"?
How did he mess it up?
If you are keen to meet him either an alternative location or an alternative date seem solutions.