First date ick - am I being a princess?

[Brummytobites]

I’ve gotten the ick today and I’m a bit gutted. Speaking to someone new, it’s all been very fast paced as in talking 24/7, emotionally sharing, he’s invited me on a date for the first day we chatted, I’ve held off for what is now just over 4 weeks.

We’re supposed to be going out in our city centre this weekend. Booked the table at a great and very fancy restaurant that we both like a couple of weeks back, kept having to amend the date as he was suggesting seeing me sooner but I’ve held firm on leaving it a few weeks, only to now find he’s messed up the booking and there’s no space available for the day we’d planned. He’s now frantically suggesting various other places but they are much more casual. I’m annoyed. I’d ordered a new - very dressy - outfit. Booked in my nails etc. made a real effort.

I feel bitchy for saying I don’t want to go to any of these places but equally why should I lower my standards? I was looking forward to a weekend dinner and drinks at a lively place. The date place is somewhere I can and do go alone with friends and family so it’s not like I’m relying on a meal ticket, it’s definitely a “destination bar/restaurant” He’s a little bit insecure and seems to be seeking my assurance that he’s not annoyed me frequently - which up to now he hasn’t - so I think he can tell I’m a little ticked off and I’m feeling very awkward about even raising the issue.

I realise this sounds silly but it’s really annoyed me. This guy has basically been saying he’s ready do give me the world for the past month and banged on about liking the same places and his general generosity. What would you do? AIBU to expect someone to be more organised and meet my expectations?

I would just ditch the whole thing. This is far to much investment for one date and the face timing feels way to much too. What if you turn up and your don't like him in person then have to sit the a long date with him?

This is all a bit much. Why has it been dragged out for weeks? Definitely being unreasonable here, how many hoops does this guy have to jump through??

Just go on the casual date and posh restaurant as a follow up date?

I think I have the ick too now 😐

Yes, you are behaving like a spoiled princess.

Why would you pay the whole bill then?? Surely the assumption would be to go Dutch, but if he wants to be a gentleman and pay for you, then so be it.
But to imply you'll pay is.. Weird

In all seriousness OP, there’s no point getting disappointed and deflated over a man you’ve never met. I’m sorry but this all sounds bonkers to me.

Clearly he’s full of shit. If he wasn’t, he wouldn’t be promising the world to a stranger, and he would respect your boundaries of waiting a few weeks to meet up. He hasn’t respected that boundary. And he fucked up the restaurant booking. (Only incompetent people can mess up a booking. Do you want to date an incompetent person?)

I’d cancel the date and go and touch some grass. Instagram isn’t real life. His lifestyle will be completely different to what’s on his insta.

How is that any different to dinner a few weeks later? Lots of evil men don’t mind waiting a bit…

How sure are you that this man's job is what he says it is? It's absolutely crazy - when you were on one of your marathon sessions on the phone, why didn't he just say, "Oh hang on, let me book that place now"?

He clearly had no intention of booking it, OP. I think he's lying about how much he earns. He's now seen the cost of the restaurant and realised he would be picking up the bill and knows he can't afford it.

He's been breadcrumbing you with a dinner, ffs. I appreciate what you're saying about liking nice things and usually you're the one to treat others. It's lovely when someone comes along who's going to do the same to you, but this guy isn't that person, I'm afraid.

I'd do a bit of digging - I don't think he's who he says he is.

And yes, I would refuse to see him now because a) he's incapable of booking somewhere and b) because he's pulling that stupid sulky face.

Don't go. He'll have a lucky escape.

I'm afraid, if you play silly games, you win silly prizes. Sorry to be blunt.

Urgh! See that would cringe me out too.

Why is anyone assuming a kiss is on the cards?!
I spent about 2 weeks chatting to my boyfriend, messages and voice notes, we didn't do FaceTime at all. It was a very impromptu meet up, casual, a pub drink to see if there was any chemistry. At no point did the messages get smutty or presumptious before out first meet.

Sorry but he seems far too love-bomby and I think you need to listen to your gut here.. That's why you're feeling off.. You know it's not quite right

he could have bottled it and never booked the fancy restaurant in the first place, seems a bit suspicious that he messed up and is now suggesting casual places - maybe he isn’t on the same page as you like you thought?

It's who you with not where you are that's important (obviously within reason 😂). You can still go out for a nice dinner and drinks. You are being very unreasonable.

What if you went to this restaurant, really didn't like something about him, maybe he comes across totally differently in real life to his online persona, maybe he's so nervous that the conversation doesn't follow, maybe there's something else you can't put your finger on.

You're then stuck together for hours while you wade through a meal.
A quick coffee date to check for initial compatibility seems like a wise idea to me.

I did have high hopes but now I feel very deflated

That's because you've let it drag on for weeks before meeting him. If you'd had a quick coffee with him after exchanging a few messages you'd have known he was a prick three weeks ago!

Jeez….

You are a red flag - 4 weeks?!
He has massively dodged a bullet

That old chestnut! Who doesn't like "the finer things in life"?! Usual Tinder bio. You've built the whole initial meet up into such a palaver and like a pp said, should've just gone for a coffee earlier on - public place, good be fine.
If I was him I'd have the ick at your weird 4 week wait thing! Think of how many other dates you could've enjoyed in that time instead of keeping him dangling!

I don't think you sound right for each other.

You are high maintenance, he is insecure and eager to please.

You won't make each other happy.

He needs someone more chilled. You need some one who has their act together.

Sack the whole thing off.

Gosh sounds like the guy I had a coffee (thank god not dinner) date with. Too mushy and overly flirty it was a massive turn off. Trust your gut.

why am I stuck for hours? I’d pay the bill and leave

You want him to give you the world as promised by him for the last four weeks without him ever having met you, and you want him to treat you like a princess and only take you to the very best places -those which necessitate fancy new outfit and special nail treatment etc etc.

So yes OP, I do think that your suspicion that you may be behaving like a princess is absolutely right. YANBU in thinking that at all. Spot on!

I also think you have your priorities all wrong. So it’s no wonder you are confused.

If you had met him face to face for a quick (posh) coffee instead of weeks of irksome in depth conversation, you might have spared yourself (and him) all this first date angst and realisation that he clearly can’t commit to your exacting princess standards.

There will be people on here in happy marriages who met their significant other online, and went for coffee first (hello!)

You can get the ick for whatever reason you want, but it really makes much more sense to go low stakes at first and to take online to offline as soon as possible. High standards are a good thing, but I’m looking for what sort of person they are, not how smooth they can be to a relative stranger.

Agree don’t take that advice, quick coffee is so low effort. However I do believe you are being a bit extra. I would just find somewhere else give him a chance and if it doesn’t work out you don’t need to see him again

You sound like you're being hard work and like you're making hard work for yourself too.

You cannot get to know somebody over a month without meeting them. It is WAY too easy for them to fake being into the same things as you. Now you've invested a month of time and emotional energy in a connection that you're already having doubts about and you still have no idea what it will be like if you ever do actually meet in person.