Husband left his friends who I don’t know alone in our house with our 6 month old

[28loloie]

So I’m not sure if I’m over reacting.

DD is 6 months old, I haven’t left her alone with anyone properly yet, I’ve left her with DH while I go a walk but the longest I’ve been away from her until yesterday was maybe an hour.

Yesterday I went to brunch without DD for a few hours, it was my friends birthday and I really wanted to go. DH said he would have DD and invited a few of his friends who I don’t know super well (they live in the city so we don’t meet them often) to keep him company.

I got back yesterday afternoon, his friends were still there. I asked how everything had gone and DH told me he had to nip out for an hour as his little sister needed dropped to A&E, so he left DD with his friends. Apparently she was fine. 1 of his friends is female, 2 were male. He reckons he was gone for just over an hour and his friends said that they gave her a bottle but other than that she was happy just getting cuddled.

We have never left DD with someone who wasn’t me or DH before. I always figured our parents would be the first people we left DD with. I don’t know these friends and while I’m sure it was fine, I can’t feel certain that they are good people. DH thinks I’m over reacting, she was perfectly safe. I feel he made a unilateral decision which could have been easily avoided if he just took DD with him.

AIBU to feel he shouldn’t have done this.

A gentle YABU from me. He obviously felt comfortable accepting help from his friends in an emergency and avoided making you come home during your first trip out after baby’s birth. Isn’t it nice to know that if you had an emergency there are competent people that can give you a hand? I understand it’s a bit jarring he didn’t consult you but he was probably just focusing on the emergency with his sister and the friends I’m guessing told him to just go. And he was back fairly quick and baby was absolutely fine. I’m sure if he got stuck there he would have let you know.

Depends how well your DH knows them. If they’re lifelong mates it’d be fine I think, definitely not fucking ok if he doesn’t know then very well.

Not fine at all and the first thing he should have done is ring you and check with you. He might know them but you do not.

I wouldn’t like it either and if the roles were reversed and you were with friends I assume you’d have just put the baby in the car seat and taken her with you as I would have.

I think there’s 2 issues here. One he left her with people you don’t know and therefore don’t trust. Two he didn’t just take his daughter with him, just giving her to someone else to look after. Not particularly responsible.

I also just think this was a genuinely unprecedented situation. He made a call he thought was right, you would’ve made a different one. The baby is fine and you can make an adult decision together as to how you’d handle this in future. I’m not going to tell you that you’re unreasonable for feeling the way you feel, but I think you’d be unreasonable to be outwardly angry or upset at him because I do think he’d tried his best. He sounds like a good partner so surely you can just say “hey, next time, just give me a call - I think I’d rather just come home in that scenario” and then move on. It’s not worth dwelling on and arguing with your spouse over when you’ve got a baby and other priorities to think about.

Echoing what a PP has said, I don't think men have the same visceral feelings about their babies that mothers do. Your DH did a sensible thing at a time when he had to think quickly. I wouldn't have liked it but I would have reasoned with myself about my reaction.

Yeah I mean everyone saying they'd take the baby?! Why?!

Why would you take her out in the cold, just to be sat in a car for an hour or two? And then potentially have to get her out at the hospital (you can't just drop someone off outside A&E these days!) when you have 3 lifelong friends in your home who are happy to look after her!

🥱

There was no ‘outrage’. How ridiculous.
Merely observing that he had friends over, on what seems like a relatively rare occasion to have his child by himself.

Yes, it all sounds rather idyllic actually.

But he knew them well. How is it irresponsible to
leave a baby for an hour with family friends?

I agree a mother’s bond is different, but father’s are equal parents and I can assure you their instinct is to protect their child too.

I don't know if you know this but 6 month old babies aren't the most scintillating company. Hence why mums are encouraged to go to baby groups, coffee mornings etc. Because they need adult company and interactions.

But yes, of course because it's the dad it's completely different and he should have spent the entire day just gazing lovingly at his child and appreciating just having this time with her.

@Starlight1979 why would he have had to go into A&E, his mum would be able to go into the hospital with the sister. whole family doesn’t need to go in

Do you call your husband every time you make
a parenting decision or is it just men expected to
do this?

He made a decision in an emergency and baby was fine so what’s the issue?

I’d cut him some slack as it was an emergency situation. I agree it would have made sense to take the baby but equally I would trust my childhood friends with my baby.
All you can do now is agree what to do going forward

I didn't say that.

Taking care of a baby for an hour or two is not that hard.

Again, ridiculous.
No, after having two children of my own and having worked in childcare for over thirty years, I didn’t know that 6 month old babies aren’t always scintilating company. How silly of me🙄
From what the OP has said, it was a brunch. So presumably a couple of hours. Not all day.

I think he did the best he could do in an emergency. He must have panicked and trusted his friends. You may not know them well but you’ve said he’s known them a very long time.
Yeah it’s unfortunate your parents weren’t the first to watch your baby but it all happened so quickly, waiting for you to come home first would have taken longer.

I think you need to try put this behind you, nothing can be changed now.
You can chat to him and discuss what you both could do in an emergency, who are the other trusted adults etc but it might be good to get to know friends incase you need to rely upon them at some point.

It mightn’t have been a great experience for your DD to go in the car if his 11year old sister was crying or screaming with pain OP. She might have needed space too.

A close family member has had nasty accident and I'm suddenly called to take her to hospital but I have my six month old baby to look after, and I'm maybe in a bit of panic. Friends say "don't worry, leave her with us - we've got this! Go look after your sister!". I'd happily take them up on this!

And objectively - baby will have been safer at home in the care of three adults than in a car driving to A&E with a potentially flustered driver.

She said it was a few hours. How long was her DH allowed to be alone with the baby for before he invited friends over?

I think a lot of parents have to go through an adjustment when they have their first baby. Your DH needs to understand that his priority is now his baby, no longer his mum and sister. It's a balancing act that he has to go through each and every time he's pulled in different directions, but it gets easier. He made the wrong call this time imo - because he has duties to you and his baby, too - but it's understandable and no harm was done. But it might not always be so.

Just have a calm conversation about it. You're right, he should have sent his friends home and taken his DD with him, even if his friends had protested that everything would be fine (what if she'd choked, what if she'd banged her head when one of them was playing with her etc), but it's not easy going from "free and responsibility-free" to always having thoughts about your children in your head.

Exactly this and no one has still explained how the car seat would fit on the back with the young girl in a lot of pain having to be helped in and out, held up, sitting in a strange position with her mother trying to help out

With baby screaming in the car seat no doubt

How anyone things this would be less disruptive for this baby I do not know.

Except he did