I was called a Spinster at work today, I was really offended.

[Seahorses12]

I do one day a week volunteer work, and today a woman I work with who I don't know very well asked me if I was married or had children. I replied that I wasn't and didn't have kids and she said disparagingly 'Oh, so your a Spinster. I have an aunt who's a Spinster.' It's such a horrible, judgemental term with negative connotations. No one has ever used it to my face before. I have a reasonably successful career behind me and I like my independance. I've had long term relationships with men but I'm currently single and have a lot of single friends. I feel belittled by this comment. AIBU?

In this day and age someone unmarried can well do without being given any label.

I suspect she used this term deliberately to offend, she would well know this is not a word widely used nowadays. Avoid her, I would, she’s got a very lemony tongue!

Bulgarian. That is the context we were after. Time machien aspect to the culture

I worked in a restaurant with some Portegeuse people in London, and one of the young men said when I tuend 30 that I was like old milk that was long past its sell by date and should get a husband fast...I just looked at him and said...you are not from England are you? We do things differently here mate.

It's an ugly expression, and so old fashioned now that it has virtually fallen into disuse.

I'd probably have laughed out loud and asked her if she thought the year was 1826, not 2026.

Another person here who immediately pegged this as coming from a non-native speaker. There's still a number of cultures where women are expected to marry and have children as a matter of course, and it's seem as strange when they don't. I have a Russian friend whom I can easily imagine saying something like this, not meaning any offence by it, it's just that her English isn't perfect enough to catch the nuance.

Don't let it get to you. It says more about her than it does about you.

YABU. My partner has also been here 20 years and English is their second language, but they still use words inappropriately from time to time (e.g., calling a work colleague stingy).

Weirdly old-fashioned, weirdly permanent - a long-term lifestyle choice, not a current state of being.

I wonder what people think of words like ‘bastard’ and ‘barren’ if they feel like ‘spinster’ is a perfectly inoffensive term to use.

FYI, spinster once was a very respectable occupation (spinner of wool) precisely BECAUSE it meant you were accomplished and able to support yourself doing a respectable job and hence not needing to get income else ways. Back in the days when the only other occupations available to women were wife, whore and nun.
So you could turn it around and say proudly, "Yes I have been able to support myself all my life with a respectable job".

I am always calling myself a spinster (never married but have kids😮🤭) only the older generation know this word, but I love to see the faces on the young people. They are like 🤔🤷🏻‍♀️.

I think it’s hilarious. And actually factual. Please don’t be offended OP!

Well I’m obviously behind the times. I had no idea spinster is offensive. Just a statement of fact. Can’t remember last time I said it mind.

I got married when I was 37. On the wedding registry, I saw I was listed as “Spinster” and I was expected to sign my name next to this. I wanted to refuse but decided that it wasn’t right to make a fuss during our marriage ceremony.

I would have told her to eff off but I'm a nasty piece of work.

Surely the point is that, English as a second language or not, there is absolutely no reason to respond with “So you’re a ….” whatever someone says.

“So you’re a wife”
”So you’re a mother”
”So you’re a widow”

No-one, whatever their background would say any of these. So “So you’re a spinster” is clearly intended as a put down. Nasty woman. Avoid/avoid conversation in future.

Oh, so you're a Spinster. I have an aunt who's a Spinster.'

to which you could have replied

Yes but I can get married, but you'll always be a pain in the arse"

people like her don't deserve a second thought, definitely not enough to feel offended by. She must be deeply unhappy to even think that way. Maybe she's in an unhappy marriage and is jealous of you!

• credit to Winston Churchill for his version

‘Yes, bloody marvellous it is too. I can do what I like, however I like and whenever I like. I don’t have to lie awake worrying about my bloodline in our resource-drained, disaster-ridden, over-populated future. I can take lovers and companions as and when it suits.’

We should reclaim ‘spinster’ and make it powerful and positive. It’s only negative if we give it that power. Women who are child-free and husband-free should be able to grasp the word and celebrate it.

I haven't rtft so apologies if this has already been said!

Historically, a spinster was an independent woman who earned her own money (through spinning) and didn't rely on a man.

It was something a lot of unmarried women did and eventually became the term for all unmarried women over the usual age of marriage.

It shouldn't be derogatory term but became so because of misogyny.

I think the correct response to, "Oh, so you're a spinster?" Can only be, "Ah, so you're a misogynist?" Or, "Better that than to be saddled with an incompetent man!" Because there are increasing numbers of women who are choosing to remain single and child free.

I have also found that a lot of women who are critical of other women's life choices in many respects are so because they are often dissatisfied with their own choices, unhappy in their own lives and envious.

Tell her to 🖕 in your head op.

Send her over to the relationships board and see what matrimonial bliss awaits a bride (inc myself) or tell her to take one look at the news any given week

If she wheels it out again, put a firm boundary in place "my personal life is not up for discussion, and I find that term offensive"

You are unlikely to change her op, try not to let it get under your skin

No doubt divorced folk like me would be labelled negatively by her too. Or am I a non-spinster-spinster? A re-spinster?

If she says anything similar again, say:

“Sorry, but I don’t base my self-worth on whether or not I’m with a man. And from what I’ve learned in science, there’s no particular ‘skill’ involved in conceiving and having children, so you’re not especially special for acquiring those things.”

Do you now know that is not the case?

are you sensitive as much of society makes things for couples & not single people?

I would see Spinster very much in the same connotation as virgin, which in todays world is not an appropriate use of the word spinster as you have had relationships without marriage - which is the m=norm now - whereas 100 years ago sex before marriage was not approved of, so spinster and virgin were much the same

It's an old fashioned term, and way of thinking.

It's up there with my mid-50's cousin, who told her sister today that her DD23 should secure her bf with an engagement asap. Because he's going to be a high earner and comes from a 'good family ' (church/middle class wealth). There were a lot of snobbish terms regarding families position etc. regarding another child and how he's escaped someone not of the right class and should go to the right places (church) to meet nice girls. Our family is average, there's no family money or position, but cousin married the high income earner so is rich. It was disgusting & offensive. And utterly old fashioned.

She is just plain rude with no social skills . I am sensitive and would be offended by that too OP . I do have a child but it’s the same sort of people who can’t understand when you don’t work and make some rude comments. Say something equally personal to her see how she likes it .

A man I was dating called me this once and had no idea it was offensive.

It was a conversation around him being a bachelor and having a bachelor pad - something that is glamorised.

He was American and so I think it was a cultural thing and it is facts and so I couldn’t get annoyed with facts.
He was a very kind man and so there’s no way he’d have said anything purposely hurtful.