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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I was called a Spinster at work today, I was really offended.

379 replies

Seahorses12 · 25/01/2026 21:27

I do one day a week volunteer work, and today a woman I work with who I don't know very well asked me if I was married or had children. I replied that I wasn't and didn't have kids and she said disparagingly 'Oh, so your a Spinster. I have an aunt who's a Spinster.' It's such a horrible, judgemental term with negative connotations. No one has ever used it to my face before. I have a reasonably successful career behind me and I like my independance. I've had long term relationships with men but I'm currently single and have a lot of single friends. I feel belittled by this comment. AIBU?

OP posts:
HundredMilesAnHour · 25/01/2026 23:21

RueLepic · 25/01/2026 23:08

Oh, if she’s not a native speaker, I wouldn’t be at all offended.

I would. The Bulgarian equivalent translates into ‘old maid’ so let’s stop pretending that she was unaware that she was rude.

Jugendstiel · 25/01/2026 23:22

Spinster just means unmarried woman. When wedding banns are read, the vicar calls the woman 'spinster of this parish.'

Any negative connotations are projected.

I quite like the word. It derives from the weaving trade as spinning yarn was a good way for unarried women to earn reasonable money to be independent. No shame in that.

Ohthatsabitshit · 25/01/2026 23:23

Surely you just say “and you’re a matron”. I think it’s just a word that means single woman. It isn’t commonly used though.

SabreIsMyFave · 25/01/2026 23:23

MindYourUsage · 25/01/2026 23:11

My friend's husband (in his forties) called me this in 2016. He was dead serious as well 😂

My friend was pregnant at the time and he had just asked ne if i was "jealous" of my friend "being pregnant and all." I replied that I am not jealous though it is lovely to see my friend so happy.

Reader, he did not like it 😂

Oh yes, some men do NOT like it when women don't get married and have children. It makes them so angry for some reason!

CraftyGin · 25/01/2026 23:24

It's an old-fashioned term, but hardly something to get offended about.

Bigknivesmakemenervous · 25/01/2026 23:26

BrassCandlestick · 25/01/2026 23:15

It was used to denote a woman who supported herself by spinning - no shame in that! We should re-adopt the term and hold our heads up high.

I was just about to say the same thing. Spinsters earnt enough so could afford not to marry so it meant they were wealthy independent women. We definitely need to reclaim that!

WineIsMyMainVice · 25/01/2026 23:27

I always try to think of situations in a reverse. Would she have said “Oh so you’re a married?” No probably not.
would she have commented “Oh, so you’re a divorcee?” No, probably not.
So she had absolutely no business commenting as she did!!
I don’t blame you for being pissed off op!!
sending hug

SabreIsMyFave · 25/01/2026 23:27

Jugendstiel · 25/01/2026 23:22

Spinster just means unmarried woman. When wedding banns are read, the vicar calls the woman 'spinster of this parish.'

Any negative connotations are projected.

I quite like the word. It derives from the weaving trade as spinning yarn was a good way for unarried women to earn reasonable money to be independent. No shame in that.

That's lovely that you are not offended, and that you 'like' the word! The OP has every right to be offended though.

I wouldn't be offended, I would laugh at how ludicrously outdated the term is.

But the OP is allowed to be offended.

TheDaysAreGettingLongerAgain · 25/01/2026 23:28

Seahorses12 · 25/01/2026 21:57

Yes, it's possible she doesn't realise the negative connotation. I tried to explain to her that in London ( where I live) it's no big deal to be single. She was raised in Bulgaria but lived in the UK for 20 years and speaks perfect English. So I suppose it could be a cultural thing.

Bulgaria is very conservative by UK standards so her comment may not have been intentionally negative. I'd brush it off.

u3ername · 25/01/2026 23:29

Seahorses12 · 25/01/2026 23:19

She speaks perfect English with an English accent, comes across as a native UK person, so it's more that she has an old fashioned idea about womens' positions in society relating to men.

May be she does. Although sounding fluent and being native in a language are different things. I’m sure her comment made you like her less. And that’s fair.

itsthetea · 25/01/2026 23:29

It isn’t the word that’s offensive - it’s how and why the person used it - their implied meaning

CraftyGin · 25/01/2026 23:30

Jugendstiel · 25/01/2026 23:22

Spinster just means unmarried woman. When wedding banns are read, the vicar calls the woman 'spinster of this parish.'

Any negative connotations are projected.

I quite like the word. It derives from the weaving trade as spinning yarn was a good way for unarried women to earn reasonable money to be independent. No shame in that.

That is not the wording of the Banns announcement.

However, the actual register may say bachelor/spinster.

My marriage certificate said I was a spinster.

SleepingStandingUp · 25/01/2026 23:30

You've told her once, so if she uses it again you know it's intentional. Did she apologise when you explained you didn't like it.

I'd prepare some comebacks in your head for if this happens again.
"I prefer cougar"
"did you know of women our age, apparently" spinsters" are getting the most sex? "
Etx

MyCrushWithEyeliner · 25/01/2026 23:30

MindYourUsage · 25/01/2026 23:11

My friend's husband (in his forties) called me this in 2016. He was dead serious as well 😂

My friend was pregnant at the time and he had just asked ne if i was "jealous" of my friend "being pregnant and all." I replied that I am not jealous though it is lovely to see my friend so happy.

Reader, he did not like it 😂

Fucking hell! What a dick

ropework · 25/01/2026 23:31

Until 2005 "spinster" was used on marriage certificates in England.

Seahorses12 · 25/01/2026 23:31

Thanks for all the comments. Many of them have made me laugh out loud and lightened my mood considerably, I'm equipped with some good one liners for next time. I still hate the word, despite some posters saying it's positive. We need a better word although I'm happy with just identifying as 'single'.

OP posts:
trainboundfornowhere · 25/01/2026 23:32

Definitely inappropriate. I was in my 30s when I married DH and I was referred to as single rather than spinster.

katepilar · 25/01/2026 23:34

Seahorses12 · 25/01/2026 23:19

She speaks perfect English with an English accent, comes across as a native UK person, so it's more that she has an old fashioned idea about womens' positions in society relating to men.

You should have mentioned in your OP that she isnt British. Doesnt matter she has been in the UK for 20 years. Sometimes it just shows you are not native evern if you can pass as one. YABU for not taking this into account.

Nichebitch · 25/01/2026 23:34

I’m forever baffled by people who “can’t be offended” or want other people not to react to offensive comments. Why on earth would I keep my feelings in check or tone myself down because of a clumsy stranger? People need to learn to be civilised, and if they can’t I will be offended if I bloody want to

cinquanta · 25/01/2026 23:35

Just because it’s old fashioned doesn’t make it offensive.

It would have found it funny.

RueLepic · 25/01/2026 23:35

ropework · 25/01/2026 23:31

Until 2005 "spinster" was used on marriage certificates in England.

Yes, I think it was on mine. Bachelor and spinster.

OonaStubbs · 25/01/2026 23:37

Do people still have "maiden aunts"? For some reason the word Spinster reminds me of that.

BillieWiper · 25/01/2026 23:40

I can barely believe anyone, let alone a woman under 50 would even have that word in their vocabulary. Let alone casually use it to describe a colleague to their face?!

I'd have just said 'wow, how misogynistic.'

Obviously a single man would just be called a single man. A 'batchelor' maybe? Also old fashioned but nowhere near as rude and degrading.

WearyAuldWumman · 25/01/2026 23:42

Seahorses12 · 25/01/2026 21:57

Yes, it's possible she doesn't realise the negative connotation. I tried to explain to her that in London ( where I live) it's no big deal to be single. She was raised in Bulgaria but lived in the UK for 20 years and speaks perfect English. So I suppose it could be a cultural thing.

It sounds to me as though her English is actually imperfect.

My dad's side of the family is from the Balkans and I'm currently learning the language. I've used online language schools with teachers who speak 'perfect English'. Newsflash - they don't. They're very good indeed, but they don't understand all the nuances of the language the same way that a native speaker would.

That works both ways, of course.

I did a degree in Russian many years ago and had stints in Russian universities as part of my course. I recall one of the lecturers getting very upset at us Brits one day...

The (Russian) conversation starter concerned 'racism abroad'. All was well until someone said in Russian "But of course, there's also racism in Russian..."

Well! The wee Russian wumman became very agitated and insisted that this was not the case. It turned out that at that time "rasizm" had connotations of institutionalised racism akin to apartheid in South Africa at that time.

You will be doing the Bulgarian woman a favour if you explain the negative connotations of "spinster".

I'll add, however that - in my experience - Slavic countries pay lip service to equality but are very patriarchal. As I said to my teacher one time: "Women now get to work and do all the housework and most of the gardening."

I recall my mother being appalled when we visited Dad's relatives for the first time: "The girls are being trained to do all the work; the boys are sitting like little princes."

I'll add that it in the big cities in those countries there's also an expectation for women to look glamorous on top of everything else - women are there to be the object of the male gaze.

u3ername · 25/01/2026 23:42

katepilar · 25/01/2026 23:34

You should have mentioned in your OP that she isnt British. Doesnt matter she has been in the UK for 20 years. Sometimes it just shows you are not native evern if you can pass as one. YABU for not taking this into account.

I thought immediately after reading the original post that this is likely about a non-native English speaker. In all the other languages I speak, there is only one word for both single and bachelor/spinster.