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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to be fed up with older relatives’ sexist views and not know how to deal with them?

175 replies

HazelMember · 25/01/2026 12:47

I’ve got a few older relatives who regularly come out with very old fashioned, sexist opinions and I’m finding it increasingly hard to deal with.

One will complain that women do not teach their children how to cook anymore, as if feeding children and basic life skills are solely women’s responsibility. Another genuinely believes women cannot do the same jobs as men and that male electricians, painters and decorators are automatically better than women doing the same work. Someone else thinks wives should cook for their husbands even when both partners work full time.

There is also a female relative who has said that it was acceptable for a husband in the family to hit his wife because she refused to look after his mother. That comment has stayed with me and honestly shocked me.

I do challenge these views when they come up. I point out that men also parent, that women do these jobs perfectly well, and that working women do not owe anyone domestic labour or care work. But when I speak up I tend to get shouted down, talked over, or told I am too sensitive or looking for an argument, while the sexist comments themselves are treated as perfectly reasonable.

s. Should I keep challenging it even when I am dismissed, start setting firmer boundaries such as refusing to engage when it comes up or just disengage and change the subject to preserve my sanity?

OP posts:
CurlewKate · 28/01/2026 11:55

DeftGoldHedgehog · 28/01/2026 11:17

Well, that has been my experience. Go ahead and flog a dead horse if you want.

Hadn’t been mine. Double down on your prejudice if you want.

Havingaswimmoose · 28/01/2026 11:58

Lifeomars · 28/01/2026 11:54

Same here and women of my generation campaigned for:

Equal pay
Maternity pay
Lifelong anonymity for victims of rape and sexual assault
The criminalisation of marital rape
The recognition of relationship violence as a crime, we still have a long way to go but the seeds were planted when I was a young woman and there was loads of awareness raising. Women's Aid was founded in 1974

And that is just of the top of my head. I was brought up to think I was equal to men and to challenge sexism.

👏 Well said.

LindorDoubleChoc · 28/01/2026 12:00

The ageism on this thread is horrific! Lots of you are completely missing the point that CurlewKate and many of the rest of us are well over 60 and she was being sarcastic. God help us.

Bonden · 28/01/2026 12:00

BrownTroutBluesAgain · 28/01/2026 11:43

I’m assuming this comment was for the pp

Sorry yes it was!

BrownTroutBluesAgain · 28/01/2026 12:00

Lifeomars · 28/01/2026 11:54

Same here and women of my generation campaigned for:

Equal pay
Maternity pay
Lifelong anonymity for victims of rape and sexual assault
The criminalisation of marital rape
The recognition of relationship violence as a crime, we still have a long way to go but the seeds were planted when I was a young woman and there was loads of awareness raising. Women's Aid was founded in 1974

And that is just of the top of my head. I was brought up to think I was equal to men and to challenge sexism.

I was born in 1966 and saw sexism in my family and my relatives
Dads and sons sat on their arses whilst women and female children like me did all the work in the house.
So whilst my mum didn’t encourage me to go to Uni it was really not celebrated unlike my brother ( who actually never went in the end )
Boys were spoilt and girls worked

In many ways female members of the family ( poor and Irish ) kept this idea alive but my mother tried to fight it at least and those of us born in the 60s have fought for our equal rights

ginasevern · 28/01/2026 12:06

Lifeomars · 28/01/2026 11:54

Same here and women of my generation campaigned for:

Equal pay
Maternity pay
Lifelong anonymity for victims of rape and sexual assault
The criminalisation of marital rape
The recognition of relationship violence as a crime, we still have a long way to go but the seeds were planted when I was a young woman and there was loads of awareness raising. Women's Aid was founded in 1974

And that is just of the top of my head. I was brought up to think I was equal to men and to challenge sexism.

Exactly. These relatives must be 150 years old!

Thundertoast · 28/01/2026 12:11

BeRoseSloth · 25/01/2026 17:29

If the suggestion of responding in a really patronising way doesn’t work I’d try saying something like “Having a vagina doesn’t get in the way of fixing the lights” or “How does having a penis prevent a chap cooking a spag bol?” It’d make me feel better and it might make them squirm a bit at the mention of body parts.

This is exactly what I do.

'Im not sure me having a vagina makes me more qualified to make you a cup of tea than if you just did it yourself'

Oh also im really confused at all the comments saying its ageism because you've never known anyone like that and your parents weren't like that - but lots of people ARE like that, and as a PP pointed out, there are certain sexist views that are found mostly amongst older people, then there are different views across the generations.
But to insist that certain views weren't more common in the 80s/90s and therefore people who were alive at that time might be more prone to having them is surely a bit 'thats not my experience therefore you are lying' when there's lots of footage of people openly saying sexist things in interviews on TV from that time that you wouldnt get today? Obviously it wasnt everyone, but they were more common - if they weren't more common then you'll need to explain all the research around how police forces treated working class female victims of assault during that time, how rape within a marriage was still legal until 1991... so much stuff.
Also class and upbringing plays a massive part here - im delighted for people who didnt have parents or grandparents like this, buti had one grandparent who was regularly horrified at the sexist views he heard from other men throughout his life, and then a grandmother on the other side who would regularly come out with these views herself.
Maybe ive misunderstood what people are saying here.

BrownTroutBluesAgain · 28/01/2026 12:17

Thundertoast · 28/01/2026 12:11

This is exactly what I do.

'Im not sure me having a vagina makes me more qualified to make you a cup of tea than if you just did it yourself'

Oh also im really confused at all the comments saying its ageism because you've never known anyone like that and your parents weren't like that - but lots of people ARE like that, and as a PP pointed out, there are certain sexist views that are found mostly amongst older people, then there are different views across the generations.
But to insist that certain views weren't more common in the 80s/90s and therefore people who were alive at that time might be more prone to having them is surely a bit 'thats not my experience therefore you are lying' when there's lots of footage of people openly saying sexist things in interviews on TV from that time that you wouldnt get today? Obviously it wasnt everyone, but they were more common - if they weren't more common then you'll need to explain all the research around how police forces treated working class female victims of assault during that time, how rape within a marriage was still legal until 1991... so much stuff.
Also class and upbringing plays a massive part here - im delighted for people who didnt have parents or grandparents like this, buti had one grandparent who was regularly horrified at the sexist views he heard from other men throughout his life, and then a grandmother on the other side who would regularly come out with these views herself.
Maybe ive misunderstood what people are saying here.

Agree
Thinking sexism in
Page 3 in the Sun
The Benny Hill Show
The Carry on films
Racism in
Love Thy neighbour
Rising damp

KaleidoscopeSmile · 28/01/2026 13:06

So many aged relatives all in the same family with sexist views - what are the odds?

How unlucky you are OP

TorroFerney · 28/01/2026 13:54

Monty34 · 27/01/2026 17:02

I am afraid this thread is about age bashing. I am sad I took the bait.

It’s not, attitudes do change over the years that’s not being ageist . No one is saying every old person is this or every old person is that but it’s true that in past times it was more acceptable to hit your wife. Have you never seen the interview with Sean Connery or John Lennon being quite open about dv? Marital rape wasn’t an offence til 1991.

ParmaVioletTea · 28/01/2026 19:28

Havingaswimmoose · 28/01/2026 11:40

Some of the pp should try reading Gransnet for a time.

It is partly peopled by strong enlightened independent women who lived and worked through the 60s and 70s, fighting and paving the way for the life that women now take as usual.

They were in the struggle full on.

They are now the old people of today and have not changed from the feisty warriors they were.

They fought sexism are they to now fight your ageism?

Edited

Brava! This is worth repeating.

MN can always be relied on for sexist ageism, so thank you for the antidote.

ParmaVioletTea · 28/01/2026 19:32

Oh also im really confused at all the comments saying its ageism because you've never known anyone like that and your parents weren't like that - but lots of people ARE like that,

And lots of people ARE like that - of all ages. Boys & young men in particular ...

PollyBell · 28/01/2026 19:39

You dont have to like or accept people's views but no one has the right to change anyone's views

Same as they dont have the right to change yours, this idea of 'why won't they think the way i tell them too'' is just as terrible to be perfectly honest

NotMeAtAll · 28/01/2026 19:40

Sharptonguedwoman · 28/01/2026 11:31

Wondering how old these relatives are? I'm late 60s and know many people older than me. They would not have these views and neither would my parents who were born in 1922 and 31 respectively.

Same here but 1921 and 1930 in the case of my parents. In my extended family the appalling views are mostly held by people in their 40s.

galletti · 28/01/2026 19:54

Think it’s an pleasant family bigotry problem rather than an age one. And TBH you are displaying some of those traits yourself. Massive generalisation about ‘older’ people.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 28/01/2026 20:01

galletti · 28/01/2026 19:54

Think it’s an pleasant family bigotry problem rather than an age one. And TBH you are displaying some of those traits yourself. Massive generalisation about ‘older’ people.

Indeed. I had a friend we separated during Covid, she’s 42, she has a problem with everything and everyone in life, she’s stuck in the 1940’s her DH doesn’t cook or wash dishes.
Her defiance about mask wearing in public places was the reason the friendship ended.
My neighbour 80, is the most positive non judgemental person you could ever meet, I can spend hours talking to her.

DeepBlueDeer · 28/01/2026 20:04

CurlewKate · 28/01/2026 09:42

Why would you mention their age if you’re not being ageist? What’s wrong with “I’ve got a few relatives who….”

Would you honestly handle expressions of sexist views by a family member in the same manner, regardless of whether they were a teenager or an elderly person?

thereare4lights · 28/01/2026 20:16

I don't get this. My parents are late 70s early 80s. Neither are sexist, racist or homoohobic. Age is not an excuse. I would either challenge them or have very limited contact.

Dontlletmedownbruce · 28/01/2026 20:21

I wouldn't waste energy arguing about it, I'd just change topic and find myself spending a little less time than them. They are entitled to their views, you dont have to agree with their world view anymore than they have to agree with theirs.

CurlewKate · 29/01/2026 17:52

DeepBlueDeer · 28/01/2026 20:04

Would you honestly handle expressions of sexist views by a family member in the same manner, regardless of whether they were a teenager or an elderly person?

If the “elderly person” was 60 then yes, I certainly would!

HazelMember · 29/01/2026 17:53

galletti · 28/01/2026 19:54

Think it’s an pleasant family bigotry problem rather than an age one. And TBH you are displaying some of those traits yourself. Massive generalisation about ‘older’ people.

How am I displaying some of those traits?

OP posts:
HazelMember · 29/01/2026 17:54

thereare4lights · 28/01/2026 20:16

I don't get this. My parents are late 70s early 80s. Neither are sexist, racist or homoohobic. Age is not an excuse. I would either challenge them or have very limited contact.

My parents are late 70s early 80s. Neither are sexist, racist or homoohobic.

So because your parents are not any of these things, nobody else's parents should be either?

OP posts:
FullLondonEye · 31/01/2026 14:33

PollyBell · 28/01/2026 19:39

You dont have to like or accept people's views but no one has the right to change anyone's views

Same as they dont have the right to change yours, this idea of 'why won't they think the way i tell them too'' is just as terrible to be perfectly honest

Really? How far do we go with this? Should we not challenge someone who thinks that old men forcibly marrying 11 year old girls is acceptable? Should we not be challenging those who believe in and promote FGM?

Sorry, some views absolutely do need to be challenged and changed, if they include inflicting pain or suffering on others but also racism, sexism, misogyny among others. If no-one challenges these views, nothing changes and women would still be in the position where it was not only legal but perfectly acceptable to be beaten and raped by their husbands, where women couldn't vote, own property or have their own bank accounts. Slavery would still be legal. I could go on.

I get the idea of live and let live but let's be honest, that attitude can go too far and that's when pure evil flourishes. While it's sometimes difficult to know what's right and what's wrong and what's simply opinion, it's also sometimes fucking obvious that someone is a moron and needs putting in their place.

TeaBiscuitsNaptime · 02/02/2026 19:10

BadgernTheGarden · 25/01/2026 15:51

My Grandmother would have killed any man that touched her, not that anyone would have dared, she was a formidable woman very long gone now. My mother was similar also long gone, my father often cooked dinner, did housework, etc and that was in the 50s and 60s. Women expecting to be respected and treated equally is not some new fangled thing. I guess the OP would class me as one of these old supposedly sexist women these days, I don't think so! Age has very little to do with it, there are lots of examples of young sexist people.

I do remember my MIL saying it would be much more useful if I had been a hairdresser. I had a degree in Engineering and was working in Research at the time. But I just laughed she really didn't understand it at all, this was in the 70s.

Ya, people can definitely be sexist at any age. I've certainly met a few sexist younger people! Fair play to your grandmother. I don't think mine would have put up with it, but it's hard to know because everything was kept behind closed doors. My grandmother was born in the 1920's

TeaBiscuitsNaptime · 02/02/2026 19:17

AgentPidge · 25/01/2026 15:32

I had the same from my mum's friend. My DH blacked my eye twice in a fortnight. She told me it was my 'duty' to stay with him, because I'd made vows. My answer to that was, what about his vows to cherish and love?
( I left, and found a decent man.)

Fair play to you. I'm glad you left! Onwards and upwards 💪😊❤️

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