to be fed up with older relatives’ sexist views and not know how to deal with them?

[HazelMember]

I’ve got a few older relatives who regularly come out with very old fashioned, sexist opinions and I’m finding it increasingly hard to deal with.

One will complain that women do not teach their children how to cook anymore, as if feeding children and basic life skills are solely women’s responsibility. Another genuinely believes women cannot do the same jobs as men and that male electricians, painters and decorators are automatically better than women doing the same work. Someone else thinks wives should cook for their husbands even when both partners work full time.

There is also a female relative who has said that it was acceptable for a husband in the family to hit his wife because she refused to look after his mother. That comment has stayed with me and honestly shocked me.

I do challenge these views when they come up. I point out that men also parent, that women do these jobs perfectly well, and that working women do not owe anyone domestic labour or care work. But when I speak up I tend to get shouted down, talked over, or told I am too sensitive or looking for an argument, while the sexist comments themselves are treated as perfectly reasonable.

s. Should I keep challenging it even when I am dismissed, start setting firmer boundaries such as refusing to engage when it comes up or just disengage and change the subject to preserve my sanity?

And it's not ageist to say "I've got a few older relatives who..." it would be ageist to say "Why do older people always say sexist things?"

Indeed. My parents were older than my inlaws, born in the 1930s and northern working class, and were far less traditional in many ways than my upper middle class inlaws. DH's dad never lifted a finger around the house when he was little and MIL gave up her teaching career. My mum always worked and my dad was very good around the house and often cooked our tea and picked me up from school as he did shift work. My dad had lost his mum at a young age so always had to help around the house and look after his younger siblings. Plus if he hadn't been helpful, my mum wouldn't have let him get away with it!

Why would you mention their age if you’re not being ageist? What’s wrong with “I’ve got a few relatives who….”

It is difficult to hear. I have an aunt who thinks racism is fine. She does it for attention and annoy others.
I used to be get angry with her, now I tell her she is attention seeking, stop acting stupid, it stops her in her tracks.

Exactly @CurlewKate And there is a lot of evidence to suggest that young men are moving to the right. So age has little to do with it.

I dealt with my father's ingrained sexism by hardly seeing him. I could tolerate an afternoon in his company about 2 or 3 times a year, we were extremely low contact. He had 5 children so barely noticed my absence and I have no regrets about it at all.

This is a typical example, an old post of mine:

eekamoose · 19/03/2008 21:28
Trying to be brief: at family occasion a while ago, me DH and two dcs were invited to big lunch by DDad and StepMum at their house. Others there included my older brother and his partner (male) and my 3 younger half siblings, all in their 20s, 2 of whom (both male) living at home.
So my step-mum as usual serves up lovely Sunday lunch. After lunch DS fills nappy so I go upstairs to change him. By the time I come back down, the table has been cleared and Dad is serving out the port and liqueurs.
So Dad says to me "you can help Step-Mum make the coffee". Well this is not unreasonable, except for the fact that while I have been upstairs changing the nappy, there have been 6 grown men (3 of whom actually live in the house) and another grown woman sitting round the table waiting for their coffee and liqueurs to be served up to them.
I'm afraid I said to Dad "What about all these others here who could do the coffee. Why are you giving me the job?"
It was not about the time and effort involved in making the coffee AT ALL, but I know he only gave the task to me because I was the oldest female present apart from my step-mother.
AIBU for being cross about it all?

Descriptive/information to the reader. The older the person the more intransigent the views and the less likely they are to change. I'd object and argue with their comments but certainly wouldn't press beyond that as it's a waste of energy, they are not going to change.

The older the person the more intransigent the views and the less likely they are to change.

Not always true, and hardly necessarily connected with age.

You seem to be expressing a quite intransigent view here yourself.

And that’s ageist bollocks too!

Challenge them pleasantly. 'You are right that traditionally engineering is s man's job, but actually there are lots of women engineers nowadays doing an excellent job and winning awards' or whatever
the subject is. Or, 'lots of women including me want to work outside the home. Its only fair for their husbands to do an equal share of the housework and childcare'.

Not always. Some old people are very open minded and accepting.

Well, that has been my experience. Go ahead and flog a dead horse if you want.

I’d be more concerned if younger people had these views
The older generation are past running the country

That’s nonsence

If it's any comfort, my grandmother was going to divorce my horrible grandfather when she was 80. She's absolutely had enough.

Wondering how old these relatives are? I'm late 60s and know many people older than me. They would not have these views and neither would my parents who were born in 1922 and 31 respectively.

Some of the pp should try reading Gransnet for a time.

It is partly peopled by strong enlightened independent women who lived and worked through the 60s and 70s, fighting and paving the way for the life that women now take as usual.

They were in the struggle full on.

They are now the old people of today and have not changed from the feisty warriors they were.

They fought sexism are they to now fight your ageism?

Agree
Either they lived a very sheltered life
or they are very old

Early 60s onwards.

Well said 👏👏

and of course young people are universally applauded for how willing and able they are to change their views …

I’m assuming this comment was for the pp

I think that bespeaks a particular mindset rather an age tbh.

The people the OP is talking about are the same age as Starmer, Farage, and Davey, and indeed, many MPs.

And - depressingly - some young people do hold these kind of views.

Same here and women of my generation campaigned for:

Equal pay
Maternity pay
Lifelong anonymity for victims of rape and sexual assault
The criminalisation of marital rape
The recognition of relationship violence as a crime, we still have a long way to go but the seeds were planted when I was a young woman and there was loads of awareness raising. Women's Aid was founded in 1974

And that is just of the top of my head. I was brought up to think I was equal to men and to challenge sexism.