to be fed up with older relatives’ sexist views and not know how to deal with them?

[HazelMember]

I’ve got a few older relatives who regularly come out with very old fashioned, sexist opinions and I’m finding it increasingly hard to deal with.

One will complain that women do not teach their children how to cook anymore, as if feeding children and basic life skills are solely women’s responsibility. Another genuinely believes women cannot do the same jobs as men and that male electricians, painters and decorators are automatically better than women doing the same work. Someone else thinks wives should cook for their husbands even when both partners work full time.

There is also a female relative who has said that it was acceptable for a husband in the family to hit his wife because she refused to look after his mother. That comment has stayed with me and honestly shocked me.

I do challenge these views when they come up. I point out that men also parent, that women do these jobs perfectly well, and that working women do not owe anyone domestic labour or care work. But when I speak up I tend to get shouted down, talked over, or told I am too sensitive or looking for an argument, while the sexist comments themselves are treated as perfectly reasonable.

s. Should I keep challenging it even when I am dismissed, start setting firmer boundaries such as refusing to engage when it comes up or just disengage and change the subject to preserve my sanity?

I personally don't think calling them out helps matters, they are of a completely different generation, with different lived experiences, they are at an age where their views are unlikely to change.

I might say times have changed and move on.

Shut the conversation down with "Gosh, well luckily times have moved on" then refuse to engage. I doubt you'll change their views at this point, so best to just walk away.

I never agreed with my dad politically, and he insisted on starting a discussion every time I saw him because he thought it would wind me up. The older I got the less I engaged and the comments certainly reduced.

My Grandmother would have killed any man that touched her, not that anyone would have dared, she was a formidable woman very long gone now. My mother was similar also long gone, my father often cooked dinner, did housework, etc and that was in the 50s and 60s. Women expecting to be respected and treated equally is not some new fangled thing. I guess the OP would class me as one of these old supposedly sexist women these days, I don't think so! Age has very little to do with it, there are lots of examples of young sexist people.

I do remember my MIL saying it would be much more useful if I had been a hairdresser. I had a degree in Engineering and was working in Research at the time. But I just laughed she really didn't understand it at all, this was in the 70s.

I also challenge it in front of my children. Often my children will challenge it first. I use to just ignore, but it would make me angry later. Now I channel the anger at the appropriate time.

If anyone said anything like you’ve described in front of my 2DDs I’d to call it out, I’d never let my DDs hear views like that without correcting them.
If DDs aren’t there I’ve got to the stage where I can’t be bothered wasting my time and energy anymore, these people will never change so I walk out of the room or change the subject.

I dare say younger people when older will encounter young people of the future finding their views offensive. So brace yourselves.
I do take issue with the idea that domestic violence was considered acceptable ever. Or that it belongs to old people. Misogyny as someone has pointed out is doing well amongst young men and boys of today.

I can honestly say I know of nobody who believes that women should only cook nor that men make better decorators.

I ask questions in a deliberately neutral tone to keep them talking. I’ve found that if people talk long enough they often figure out what’s wrong with what they’re saying.

hopefully they never get ill and require care from you, because I certainly wouldn't be providing it to them

This exactly is the best way to challenge them without the conversation turning aggressive.

Do you work in some kind of interior design job? I don't think I've ever heard anyone express an opinion on the merits of decorators 😀, that's a weirdly specific topic of conversation

But if they did I'd be quite surprised if that was the general consensus as there are so few female decorators, not enough to judge imo

That's interesting, I wouldn't expect a bigot or racist ever to realize how bigoted or racist they are no matter how long the conversation was. Have you really changed such opinions like that?

Jesus, I'm not a million miles off 60 and I'd be astounded if I heard my parents coming out with such tut, let alone any contemporaries of mine.

Their age has nothing to do with it OP. People in their 60s now will have been born in the 1960s and come of age in the 1980s, hardly the dark ages.

They just sound like c**ts, irrespective of age 😁

I was referencing decorating as it was used as an example in the OP’s first post as an example of how dreadful older people seem to think and go around saying that women cannot possibly do decorating and men are better at painting and decorating etc.
Not something I have ever heard myself.

Are they people you want/need to have anything to do with? Also-sexism isn’t the sole preserve of “older” people.

60 onwards? Oh well, no need to worry, they’ll be dead soon. You do know that women of 60 and older built the society that allows you to vote, get a credit card, get a degree…..

How old are they?

Not that I am aware of.

I do take issue with the idea that domestic violence was considered acceptable ever.

It was considered culturally acceptable. Until the 1970s and 80s, police often considered domestic abuse as something that should be resolved privately. Officers frequently "turned a blind eye" to wife-beating.

60s onwards.

They are family members I cannot avoid forever.

Also-sexism isn’t the sole preserve of “older” people.

Agree but I don't hear younger people saying the same things. They come out with other kinds of sexist crap.

As I said. They’re 60. They’ll be dead soon.

Do you think these people can or more honestly WILL change because of you getting into a disagreement with them?
If you don't think they are capable of changing then don't engage. Why would you cause unpleasantness for no positive reason?
You know you aren't party to their views. If other people are about, eg children who you want to set a different example for the fair enough. You can say 'Oh, I don't agree with that Murial'. And you're done.

This -I’d be like the 1950s called and want you back.

Women need to teach the children you cook - I beg your pardon I women don’t have time as they are equal partners in every aspect now - you do know women got the vote right?

Or just repeat - oh god I’m so sick of all this sexist it is like a virus everywhere. Challenge it.

What the heck do you mean a husband can hit a woman - you know that’s abuse and assault right?

and so on ….

That's 60 not 90 ffs, what's your definition of "soon"?

I do take issue with the idea that domestic violence was considered acceptable ever.

Lol.

Brace yourself. It was considered acceptable and in fact normal, throughout the whole of recorded history in most cultures right up until roundabout the 1970s when it began to be considered unacceptable thanks to feminists.

Up until then it was considered a private matter between a man and his wife. Unless it was completely brutal and left visible bruises or broken bones, it just wasn't considered particularly terrible behaviour by most people.

Thank you feminism.

And by the way it is still considered perfectly acceptable across many cultures nowadays.