to be fed up with older relatives’ sexist views and not know how to deal with them?

[HazelMember]

I’ve got a few older relatives who regularly come out with very old fashioned, sexist opinions and I’m finding it increasingly hard to deal with.

One will complain that women do not teach their children how to cook anymore, as if feeding children and basic life skills are solely women’s responsibility. Another genuinely believes women cannot do the same jobs as men and that male electricians, painters and decorators are automatically better than women doing the same work. Someone else thinks wives should cook for their husbands even when both partners work full time.

There is also a female relative who has said that it was acceptable for a husband in the family to hit his wife because she refused to look after his mother. That comment has stayed with me and honestly shocked me.

I do challenge these views when they come up. I point out that men also parent, that women do these jobs perfectly well, and that working women do not owe anyone domestic labour or care work. But when I speak up I tend to get shouted down, talked over, or told I am too sensitive or looking for an argument, while the sexist comments themselves are treated as perfectly reasonable.

s. Should I keep challenging it even when I am dismissed, start setting firmer boundaries such as refusing to engage when it comes up or just disengage and change the subject to preserve my sanity?

You might be pushing up daisies long before them….or can you see into the future? Can you give me the lottery numbers for next week please?

Your family are shit and nasty. Anyone who said that about the woman who was hit - that's a nasty rotten person. Their age has nothing to do with it - that's close to my age and I have several friends years older than 60s - none of them believe or say this shite because they are decent human beings

If you have to see them, I'd just keep my conversation brief and as neutral as possible. I'd keep my kids away from their talk. I'd walk out of the room if they said something like a woman deserved to be hit by her husband.

I’m 63, my Dad would have been 101… didn’t have a sexist bone in his body and I was a manager at age 19 in 1982 fighting sexism every day… he was right there supporting me every step of the way.
It’s not an age thing…

I do take issue with the idea that domestic violence was considered acceptable ever.

Really? You and all those saying these views surely can’t be held by those under 100 and they’re all much more progressive than that might want to remember that it wasn’t until 1991 that rape within marriage became illegal in the UK. 1991.

Do I also need to point out that there’s still a gender pay gap? If everyone has been so equal in attitude and opportunity since the 60s, so some 60 years ago, that would be very unlikely, no?

And you think that only women over 60 do this? Have you ever read Mumsnet?

Me neither. Our experience is 100% satisfaction with women-run jobs, 60% with men-run jobs. The women are simply more competent and assiduous. They do a better job. We wish there were more women-led businesses.

Is that what I said?

You are fortunate. My mother - men are better teachers and boys are better at maths. Which she has said in front of my daughter.

It is age but coupled probably with socio economic factors. Where are they from op, mine are northern, left school at 15 so not much education. Cooking and having a clean house (and being thin) was currency for the ones I know so they can't seem to compute that it isn't for their daughters/granddaughters and, rather than be pleased they are resentful. My dad would hit my mum but she would still be making his tea for him, not speaking but doing everything. That's my take anyway for my relatives, mainly my mum who I remember telling me as a child that I'd never be able to run a house. She's 83 so not the 100/120 the other poster thinks they would need to be to have such attitudes. I remember that if we ever went to a wedding or party where there was a buffet, my dad would not get up , she would go and get his plate of food.

I’d have fun with the answers

“You think women should teach their children to cook? Not in my house, man does all the cooking “
”It’s a woman’s fault if a man hits her? Glad you’re not my husband, I’d hit back “ etc

Then just roll my eyes and say times have moved on, you need to move with them. I wouldn’t let it bother you, you won’t change them now.

Do these people ever laugh and joke?
Why is the topic so heavy.
Who cares what they think?

Tell them to tell you a joke.

And yet my mum is 78, also northern WC (daughter of a miner) and has completely different views.

And nobody would ever have dared lift a finger to my GM, who would be 113 if she was still alive. She had a terrifying temper, once threw the entire contents of the table into the fire, plate by plate, because DGF said he wasn’t hungry after she’d cooked tea for him. She also always worked, originally in service and then in a grocers shop.

The police. You mean some police.
The population. A few. Perhaps. And no different to today where sadly it still prevails.
It is not the preserve of older people and young less so.

No I'm sorry, but it IS different today, we don't have interviews with men in the street in local newspapers about how it's their right to beat their wife. The stigma around it is there now when it wasn't before. It's a small change, but it is a change.

How old are they and where did they grow up

OP, honestly, I wouldn't be spending time with these people, I'm not sure why you do. Being family is no good reason. These men clearly hate women, whilst no doubt expecting women to cater to them and look after them in old age. It's vile.

I am afraid this thread is about age bashing. I am sad I took the bait.

I disagree, the thread is about misogyny, not age. Misogyny is as old as time, and I doubt we'll ever get shot of it, but that doesnt mean it stays exactly the same in the way its presented. Look at porn now compaired to what men looked at 50 years ago, far, far, worse now, some of it is absolutely hateful towards women, but some things were worse back then too.

Why is it about age bashing?

I do not deny younger people are sexist and misogynist but I have only heard older people say the particular statements in my OP.

We haven't had interviews like that in newspapers for about 50 years minimum.

OTOH we do have interviews with men like Andrew Tate on t'internet talking about their right to beat their ho's.

So no, not an age thing. I actually find young men much more sexist than those between about 50 and 70.

YANBU to disagree with your relatives’ opinions, but it’s not because of their age. It’s because they are who they are.

there are plenty of young people (women as well as men) who have regressive sexist views.

And there many many people in their 60s and 70s who came through the women’s movement and other social change movements of the 1960s and 79s who are far more radical than you’ll ever be.

So try not to be ageist.

Because women like the ones the OP is complaining about campaigned for change.

With regard to the relative believing a woman should be the one to cook ‘for’ her husband, despite both having FT jobs, have you asked exactly why this is? Why on earth would this be justified - unless they’re saying that men are naturally inept and too thick to follow a recipe, or too much of a risk to themselves and the household if they were trusted around sharp knives and heated surfaces?

Try saying that to them with a concerned face and watch the angry indignation rise as they struggle to rationalise it.

But seriously why though?

Is this cultural? Are you part of a non Western family? Some religions hold women in very low regard.

While I don't think they are going to change their ways, if someone came out with directly "Men make better X because X" I would have to challenge it. And if I didn't, my DDs would get stuck in.