Comparing a dog to a child

[notdoingit11]

I have a colleague that lost her partner 2 year ago. This left her with no other family but her dog. The company we work for were very understanding at the time, she had 3 month off on full pay (just putting this in for context). When she came back to work she was struggling with looking after her dog so asked if she could cut her working hours down and was allowed to drop a day.
She often came in late and stinking of booze (it’s a customer facing role which involves the sale of vehicles), she was pulled into the office and spoken to. Because of this she is now saying the company have treat her awfully and have no compassion or understanding that she is still grieving and thinks she should be allowed to come in late if her dog needs a longer walk to do a poop!
A few colleagues have young children and occasionally take an hour or so during the working day to take them to appointments. The one with the dog thinks she should be given the same if her dog is not very well!
AIBU to think you can’t compare a dog to a child! Yes, I get to her it’s her baby and that’s fine but at the end of the day it is an animal and not a child to everyone else and we shouldn’t be expected to treat it like her child!
One colleague nips out for half an hour once a week to pick his special needs daughter up and drop her off at his parents house, his parents don’t drive, it’s the only day of the week his partner can’t pick her up due to her work commitments and management have agreed to him doing this. And this is what the dog woman is bitching about, she thinks she should be entitled to the same because her dog is all she’s got!
Im the one she comes bitching to and usually let it go over my head but her sense of entitlement is really starting to get on my nerves

This. OP would be too frightened and embarrassed to be this honest

This really really isn't about the dog.

We've had the bitching drip, the dog shitting drip and have now reached the 'I've been a saint and nobody has done more for her than I have' drip of the thread.

Spot on.

Find your voice, OP, she’s entitled to have her own views - but you don’t have to give her an audience to express them . She can complain to HR or an out of work friend or whatever.

I don’t even have kids myself and yet I’d still have shut her down long before this.

Instrad of just complaining like your coworker is doing, you need to think about what you are going to do as you can’t control anyone else @notdoingit11

My sympathy is with your colleague - she got the dog as one of a partnership, in the belief there would always be two people to look after it.

Her partner sadly died, and now she's in a situation with a dog that she naturally loves and wouldn't dream of rehoming but which she might never have got in the first place had she been single.

Why should people who have children be allowed to take time off for all sorts of child-related things, but she is getting flak for needing to care for her dog?

I could understand your attitude more if she'd got a dog in her present circumstances without thinking through the logistics of looking after it, but she's in this position not only through no fault of her own but as the result of what was by anyone's standard a traumatic and tragic event.

Flexibility if offered should be offered to all. A vet appointment is as important as a doctor appointment - no one wants to think of an animal suffering in pain at home or not getting the medical attention they need - whether it's a cat, dog, or hamster. I work for a FTSE 100 and never had an issue coming in late or leaving early due to a vet appointment.

However, I would point out - gently - that a long dog walk is not time bound like a doctors appointment or a school start time and she could just get up earlier. No one is coming in late because they had to walk/play with their child. Flexibility is offered to facilitate work life balance but contractual hours must be completed overall.

I see its annoying for you ,however it's up to management to sort it out. Everyones lives seem different and there is a lot more flexibility now ,Dogs, Relations who are ill,children, or simply needing time out to MH .All needing attention .

@Maddy70 that’s just it, we have been very understanding and tried our best to help her…but when she takes the piss the way she does and has no consideration for anyone else or what’s being done to help her I can understand why people are getting fed up of her! We work in a fast paced commission based environment, she’s late almost every morning, some of us have had to occasionally stay behind or work through breaks because we’ve had to pick up something she had to do but couldn’t because she was late! And then to bitch about those people taking their kids to an appointment…

Yes I understand all that , but you are as bad, you are bitching about her ...
This is a matter for HR alone

@Kerry242 that is exactly it! Yes a vet appointment if her dog is ill, which she is allowed and no one has a problem with. It’s all the other stuff, the lateness the bitching is what is p’ing people off!
I did snap at her recently when she said her dog should have the same priority as a colleagues child who has special needs (her words) when he needs a longer walk to do a shit

Im a bit torn on this. As a single, childless woman I have often had to cover for colleagues who had to take time off during lunchtime or leave early in the evening because of their children. So if I had a dog it would be unfair if I was expected to cover for my colleague’s childcare issues, but nobody covered for me when I had dog care issues.

in both situations, coming in late and leaving early should not become the norm. And people should make up their hours if they do need to finish early some days. So from this point of view I guess you can treat people with dogs and people with children the same.

Lets park for a minute the issue of whether dogs should get the same priority as kids (which I don’t agree with because society needs kids which means there is somewhat of a social contract in place to allow for kids…)

Lets assume dogs should be treated as kids…

it sounds like they would allow it if it was for one off vets or routine of allowing drop off the later opening doggy day care? (Comparable and fair)

I have kids and I don’t think work would take kindly to me regularly being late because one of them might need to poo? (Hence her comparing dogs need for longer to poo to SEN drop off is not comparable)

If her dog needs longer to poo she needs to get up earlier and start walk earlier.

You're repeating yourself with the dog bashing thread rubbish now OP. You can bitch on with the best of them can't you. I can see why your colleague chose you to bitch with.

Take it up with your manager and move on.

@ChurchWindowsshe comes to me to bitch because I’m now the only one that bothers with her. She has no friends outside of work, I’ve arranged bereavement counseling for her, I’ve changed my working day to have lunch with her. I’ve asked her not to bitch about anyone to me, she just carries on no matter how many times I’ve said it. I’ve raised my concerns to management who offered to bring occupational therapy in for her which she refused. But yeah, I’m getting tired of picking up her slack too

She must be in a lot of emotional pain. The drinking isn’t helping and shouldn’t be tolerated, the dog, it’s not a big deal IMO if the job is flexible for other staff members that have caring responsibilities.
I have a dog and children (older children now) my dog takes up as much as my time as the children.
Give her a break around the dog issues.

So you've decided to spend your Sunday moaning about it on MN.
What do you want from this thread OP. You've had lots of sensible advice and input.

If the dog is ill and needs to be taken to vets she should be given flexibility but for dog not pooping no.

It sounds like this colleague is having an incredibly rough time, I can’t imagine the grief she is going through. I agree with others it’s more than just the dog situation.

It sounds like this colleague is coming in and putting her trauma onto you and I think that although you’ve got to have some empathy it can be draining and hard on you to be dealing with someone else’s situation when they are a work colleague and it’s obviously not part of your job. Naturally it creates an environment that you are probably feeling a bit uncomfortable to work in.

I don’t think it’s on you to deal or worry about your colleague but you must speak to your manager with your concerns if it’s affecting you and your work.

You’ve been kind but you’re now in resentment mode and it’s time to step back. The fact you’ve made a post on it this morning shows how much it’s getting to you.

You sound absolutely horrible

Have you come across the concept of Saviour complex @notdoingit11? You might find this article helpful in understanding the dynamic you have found yourself www.verywellmind.com/savior-complex-8357155

This is not about the dog. If this behaviour change only started after her partner died, then it seems pretty clear that it's driven by grief, which does have a stark way of putting everything else into perspective. Work doesn't come first, nor do her colleagues. It's possible she can't even see the impact she's having, or care, as what she's offering is all she's got to give at the moment. I do appreciate that isn't helpful for you or your colleagues, but this is an issue of poor management. Yes, they offered her some time off and the assistance of OH, but it's clear she's not coping, it's impacting the wider team and management need to actually manage the situation. If she needs more flexibility, her manager should be stepping in to have conversations about what is working and what is not and, if they want to keep her, talking about solutions with her, like officially reducing her hours. If they don't want to keep her, then they need to manage her out.

"To pick his special needs daughter up"?

You have a weird way with words OP.

But ultimately, it sounds like half your colleagues can't manage a full day at work, so what's good for them should be good for everyone else.

It reminds me of when most people used to smoke. They'd be forever nipping out for fag breaks but woe betide any non smoker who went for an extra coffee break.

And if all her 'bitching' is getting on your nerves this much, grow a spine and tell her you don't want to hear it anymore.

No I think OP sounds like she’s at breaking point.

OP clearly had / has a lot of empathy for her work colleague as she changed working days to have lunch with her, has tried to help her with therapy and has let her work colleague talk to her about her grief and trauma.

A lot of the time it doesn’t just affect the person going through the trauma but can affect others around them.

Now it’s affecting OP’s mental health and her work load and she’s getting understandably drained by it you’re calling her “horrible” as if she should put up and shut up.

It is ok to pull back from a draining situation and I recommend OP have an honest chat with her manager and pull back from her work colleague.

I had this situation with a friend (DV so also a sensitive topic) but I got to the point I tried to do everything for her and it was affecting me. I wasn’t a “HORRID PERSON” Because I was at breaking point, sometimes it’s ok to say I can’t do this anymore

I think everyone's personal life should be accommodated equally. A lot of people can't have kids. It's running it in a bit to suggest that they shouldn't get any flexibility for the life they do have.