Comparing a dog to a child

[notdoingit11]

I have a colleague that lost her partner 2 year ago. This left her with no other family but her dog. The company we work for were very understanding at the time, she had 3 month off on full pay (just putting this in for context). When she came back to work she was struggling with looking after her dog so asked if she could cut her working hours down and was allowed to drop a day.
She often came in late and stinking of booze (it’s a customer facing role which involves the sale of vehicles), she was pulled into the office and spoken to. Because of this she is now saying the company have treat her awfully and have no compassion or understanding that she is still grieving and thinks she should be allowed to come in late if her dog needs a longer walk to do a poop!
A few colleagues have young children and occasionally take an hour or so during the working day to take them to appointments. The one with the dog thinks she should be given the same if her dog is not very well!
AIBU to think you can’t compare a dog to a child! Yes, I get to her it’s her baby and that’s fine but at the end of the day it is an animal and not a child to everyone else and we shouldn’t be expected to treat it like her child!
One colleague nips out for half an hour once a week to pick his special needs daughter up and drop her off at his parents house, his parents don’t drive, it’s the only day of the week his partner can’t pick her up due to her work commitments and management have agreed to him doing this. And this is what the dog woman is bitching about, she thinks she should be entitled to the same because her dog is all she’s got!
Im the one she comes bitching to and usually let it go over my head but her sense of entitlement is really starting to get on my nerves

Of course she hasn't. Much more satisfying to have someone to bitch about. Especially someone who is clearly struggling with life.

YANBU. It's a dog.

YANBU. It's a dog.

This is it. She's obviously struggling poor woman.

Ideally everyone is given a set amount of flexibility and nobody takes the Micky, if she comes in 15 minutes late (agreed) she gets fifteen minutes less lunch or works 15 minutes longer. If her dog is genuinely acutely ill then of course she needs to go to the vet but routine vet checks should be booked out of work time/take annual leave, vets are far more available than gp’s! The fact her family is canine should not be a big issue, families come in all shapes and sizes, whereas alcohol smelling in the morning, being unreliable etc is an issue

Hello hello for the umpteenth time, it's not about the sodding dog, it's about the fact she's struggling with her grief

the company policies about taking time/fiexitime for dependents needs to be clear

if it's bothering you that much then raise it with your line manager

Take your drip feed up with management.

I'm out. ✌️

@MindYourUsage it has been taken up with the manager, he informed of of the handbook stating flexibility on childcare but not pets! The company have tried to accommodate her, they allowed her to cut her working days from 5 to 4 because she wanted to be there for her dog, that’s fine, that was between them. They’ve been very understanding about her lateness too, although she was asked to manage her mornings a bit better as it is having an impact on the rest of the team but she thinks she if people can take kids to appointments she should be allowed to come in late when her dog doesn’t do a shit

Shes obviously not coping, that’s possibly obvious with the drinking. People take different amount of time and different paths to cope with grief.

Likewise as someone who is also childless I get pissed of with all the parents expecting business to bend over backwards to accommodate pick ups, drop offs and school holidays, it’s not my problem they can’t get childcare or whatever,

Itdoesnt matter if it’s kids or pets, both are responsibilities

you dont sound very nice

Take it up with the manager again then if it's an ongoing problem.

I’d have a chat with your/her manager from a place of concern about her wellbeing. She’s clearly struggling following the loss of her partner - there’s no timescale for grief so while you might think she should be dealing with it, she clearly isn’t coping well if she’s drinking.

On a practical level she’s now solely responsible for the dog - maybe her partner used to do the morning walk and she’s now feeling under pressure between her dogs needs and her work duties and is feeling defensive about it. In any event while it may be annoying to hear her talk about it, she’s having a hard time. She took the dog on when there were two people and now she’s on her own, in a similar way people plan to have kids with a partner and find themselves having to manage as a single parent. That can bring up feelings of anger and resentment, and also mean the dog takes on a particular meaning for her.

You’d hope people would show care and compassion for you in those circumstances, so maybe offer her that. If you don’t want to talk about it tell her you’re too busy right now, but try to see beyond the bitching to what’s driving it - it’s not about the dog, or other people’s children.

How often is her dog so ill that this is an issue? I agree she shouldn’t be late or going out for routine walks but if the dog is sick then yes there needs to be flexibility.

Thankfully my dog has only being ill once and at a weekend but if I came downstairs and she was in deaths door/unwell I wouldn’t be telling her she needed to wait till 6pm to see the vet!

ultimately you need to wind your neck in and let management deal with it how they see fit.

Ignore whether the issue is dog or child. What she seems to be asking for is to do this on an ad hoc basis. That's difficult for a business to accommodate.

Your other colleagues are asking for set arrangements at specific times that presumably they make up elsewhere.

If she needs more time to walk the dog then she could ask to move or reduce her working hours by 15 minutes. But she can't do it whenever she fancies - assuming this would apply to all as it's customer facing and so you need cover.

Ok, not being on time because the dog hasn’t done a shit is bonkers. She needs to get up 30 mins earlier. But it does sound with the drinking that she’s still struggling with grief from losing her partner. I’d be a bit more sympathetic to be honest.

I cant imagine the grief of losing a partner. It must be absolutely horrific to lose the other half of yourself. This lady is grieving and sometimes you just dont see clearly. I think comparing a dog to a child is ridiculous and would not be happy picking up the slack on a long term basis, but would probably be okay with it short term.

The smelling of alcohol thung is a separate issue. It sounds like she needs some help.

Have you considered her lateness may be nothing to do with her dog having a shit? She may be drinking mate into the night and unable to get up in the morning. Much easier to say the dog won’t shit than say I couldn’t get up because I drank a bottle of vodka last night.

Workplaces do need to accommodate mental illness, so her manager needs to have a chat with her about how she’s coping, alcohol use and the support they can offer. Set the dog aside and try to address the actual issue.

"not everyone is fortunate enough to have children"

Just my two cents that it'd be much more inclusive (and I'm only saying this as you mentioned your company understanding that people's lives look different etc) to say "not everyone has children". In my case, as someone who is not at all maternal and dislikes children (and this is purely to explain where I'm coming from), if I was pregnant it'd feel very much the complete opposite of "fortunate".

Completely agree. I’ve seen this twice in my life, when a colleague seemed to be able to put on a front of holding it together through loss of a partner, then breaking down when the dog the couple had together died. It was described as losing a connection to them. The focus on the dog is almost certainly a grief reaction.

OP’s language is very hostile. The colleague of course shouldn’t be coming to work stinking of booze, I hope she’s getting support from her employers, because she sounds like she needs it, poor woman.

This isn’t really about a dog. She’s going through a terrible time and needs support, though how long it’s feasible for your employer to provide that support will come down to business need.

@notdoingit11 Why don't you ask her to stop complaining to you about it? If you're "the one she comes bitching to" then you're obviously complicit in the bitching. Haven't you got work to do instead?

A) this is just another dog bashing thread
B) OP isn't a very nice person
C) Both of the above.

She’s bitching to you about other colleagues because you are letting her. And it sounds like you are only one who does let her so your other colleagues may well think you agree with her or at best that you are two faced and are telling her one thing and them another.

You need to shut this right down: “Susan I’ve listened to this for 2 years because I’ve been trying to be supportive of you after your loss but enough is enough. I don’t share your views about this and I’m not prepared to listen to you gossip about other colleagues. Please don’t speak to me about this again” and if she tries to raise it with you after you’ve said this “I’ve told you I’m not prepared to discuss this with you” and walk away.

At the moment you are stuck in people pleaser mode but this could really damage your personal and professional relationships and reputation so you need to find your voice and say no.

Just keep repeating that. Employers are bound to consider reasonable adjustments or flexible working for things like disability, and childcare etc but not pets. And move on.

It's not about a dog or a child it's about accommodating staff needs. Offering flexibility builds good relationships abd happy staff are more productive. She is obviously struggling with coping with her bereavement. You are focusing on her dog but it's much more than that

The alcohol is a problem which it seems they are aware of ad have her talks with her. The rest is just you not being very kind actually

@Vroomfondleswaistcoati have helped her arrange counseling for bereavement. I’ve been there for her since she lost her partner. I’m not the cold bitch some on here seem to think I am! She’s not very well liked in and out of work, she literally has no one. I’ve changed my working days so I can take my lunch break with her, I’ve invited her to social occasions with my friends (but had to stop that due to her behaviour towards them). Work have offered to involve occupational health which she turned down. Yes, she’s having an impact on me and my colleagues. We all have things going on in our personal life but that doesn’t matter to her because to quote her “no one has it as bad as me” and it’s this attitude that’s pissing people off and turning people against her, that and the lateness almost every morning. I get on very well with our manager, I don’t repeat anything she’s says to her but I have spoke up for her quite a few times but it’s getting harder and harder to do when she’s taking the piss and upsetting everyone she works with