To ask how you would start a new life?

[Notsowiseoldowl]

DD15 and I (48) need a new start somewhere. I'm so bogged down by how we got here, I'm struggling to be inspired or think of anything I want to do in life. Clearly, I need to pull myself together and find a new path.

So, you have £250k capital, and around £25K independent income annually, what would you do? Anything, anywhere - you have no geographical ties, no house, no family, friends or significant relationships, no career, no school, no significant hobbies, skills or passions. Reasonable physical health, neither of us in a great place mentally or emotionally (but nothing drastic - we are resilient and will be OK).

Be as specific as you like. Wild fantasies and safe choices welcome! (I'm trying to hard feel it's an amazing opportunity, but my future feels like a big, scary blank and I have nothing to orient by or rally around!)

@bluedancingtwigletyes, I can find dozens of 2-3 bef cottages for under £250k in Cornwall and Devon or Norfolk. Isles of Scilly obvs trickier. Then live off the £25k a year independent income OP says she has. I’ve lived off £17k in central London I could manage that 😂

Some kind of housekeeper in a fairly remote UK place? Live in with DD?

No accommodation costs.

We have good choices, and things could be much harder. I'm also very aware that some people would consider this freedom an unattainable luxury. I don't want to be ungrateful.

However, I doubt most people would actually swap...

I’m another one who believes strongly that you can be a round peg in a square location, and then move to a round location, and have a life that is SO different it is mind blowing. It happened to me eventually. If there is a place that appeals to you personally, even if it makes no logical sense to anyone else, head that way. Could you move to India for example? Or Ireland? (I have no idea whether either would appeal to you or if it’s legally feasible. Just opening a strand of thought).

OP, I don't mean this unkindly, but I think you're seeing your situation of being alone in the world with no particular ties to anchor you to anywhere as being far more anomalous than it is. I can think of several people I know who are in a similar situation.

One autistic friend moved countries after a midlife diagnosis on a small disability pension, and lives with her pets in a remote area of a country where she knows no one at all apart from neighbours to say hello to. She's an only child and her parents are long dead.

And another friend, single and childless, has only the friends she has made over the past few years since she moved to where she lives now -- she had lived in NZ for many years, but returned to her home country when her relationship broke up and her parents were getting old and unwell. Now they're both gone, and her only sibling lives on the other side of the world. Her friendships don't predate Covid.

I have relocated several times, but I didn't have a 15 year old to consider

Some things to consider

While Ivinging the countryside is beautiful, you would need some sort of transport for yourself & daughter to; socialise, food, doctor, hobbies, clubs, work, hospital. This costs time & money.
If DD is at a friends, how do they get home at 3am ?
Bicycle, car, motorbike, bus, train ?
Shared transport with local families & friends ?

I am in my 50s. I have completed online job applications recently where all my qualifications have been requested. At some interviews I have had to provide my original certificates from age 16 upwards. Please do not under estimate the requirement for a formal education.
This includes PT & FT & temporary work. A person also has to prove their right to work in that country too. Even "small" jobs require online applications & in some locations 1000s if people apply.
Also consider volunteering to add onto CV & raising money for charity.

If you move abroad, you would not be eligible for UK benefits

It is possible to make new friends anywhere if you join groups, clubs, volunteer in the local community. However, you need to make the effort to get out there & meet people.

Wherever you live, your troubles will follow you.
Take time to think what you want from life
Do things that make you happy

Live within your means

A 15 year old probably will not know what they want from life, but you need to guide them.
Will they want to do an apprenticeship, college, uni, employment ?
They may change their mind several times
Work life balance with hobbies & at home life

Good luck

Two parent families with no support find it tough and you would never compare their situation or resources to a childless couple. You can’t possibly meaningfully compare being single and childless to being a lone parent? My life would look massively different if I had the freedom and resources just to build a life for myself. I couldn’t even meet the most basic self care for ever - DD didn’t sleep through the night until she was 12, and I did every damn night terror, multiple times a night. Which doesn’t do a lot for your ability to find your car keys, let alone build a career! 😂 And she couldn’t be left, so I couldn’t even go out.

I hate comparing parenting, because it’s never easy. But I do more, with less. There’s no other way to put it. And I just handle it all with no fuss. (Because what else do you do anyway!?) and because it’s what I’ve always done. But I find this part of it really tough. And even if others don’t find it tough, I don’t think it is in any way usual or that I’m making more of it than it merits. I’ve certainly never met anyone like us. Even a little bit. I know single parents but the kids go off to dads and grandmas on the regular. that makes an MASSIVE difference. And I’ve never met another child so bloody difficult. (Especially at bedtime.) I don’t think if I’d had a muggle child it would be easy. Or if even I were NT too. But I’d have less demand and more resource. I think it’s that balance. You simply can’t get more demand and less resource. One of the hardest things for me was being a sibling - I had to PLAY. I loathe ‘play’. It is NOT FUN with a rigid autistic child you get no breaks from. But I had to, because she had no friends. (Who also has ADHD, never stops and was a sensory seeker. It was physical hell for me!). And you’d think ‘at least there’s no bickering’ but children seem to have an inbuilt need to needle, and if siblings aren’t available they needle you! (It’s VERY funny if it’s not your last nerve!) The teenage anime obsession is vapid and BORING but I would not go back! 😂😂😂 (having said that, feel free to ask them and PM me any tips! I wonder if they make it look easier than it is. I certainly do. It’s hard and pretty unacceptable to bring this up and I wouldn’t in real life. Especially with someone who is not a very close friend. Which is a catch 22, isn’t it…)

Don’t get me wrong, there are significant upsides and the grass is always greener. But I still bet no one would swap! Maybe I’m just depleted after a decade and a half of it. Perhaps I am making a bit much of it. But the question is still the same. What nourishes you when you’re depleted in spirit? Because I’m pretty sure for most people it is relationships. Small joys are wonderful and I love them. But I it feels like I need something more substantial and I’m struggling with it.

My point was that you have a tie. You have a family.

I think your question is too big to answer. Like “what is the meaning of life?”

Meaning is found within what has been, I don’t think you can create it. You can only choose what to do with the next few years ahead and adjust accordingly as and when you feel you’re not moving in the right direction, whatever that may be.

You sound very interesting, in a good way. Have you considered writing a book or a blog? You make me think of Penelope Trunk, an autistic woman whose blog I have read for many years.

Yes, I do see your point. But a child isn’t a two way thing. Or not mine, at least!

I know there are women who say children are their purpose in life. I’m not sure that would healthy for me. And anyway, they grow up and leave. Perhaps I’ve got the beginnings of an empty nester-type thing?

There’s a lovely thing to say, thank you. I’ve always wanted to write a book. Not sure about! Might be a long - brevity is NOT one of my strengths!

Move abroad ..

Thank you for everyone’s support. I’ve lots to think about. While I don’t feel I’ve exactly got to the bottom of it, I’ve some ideas to be going on with.

I impulsively (thanks ADHD) went to look at a woodland for sale this afternoon. I managed to resist that one, but it would definitely make me happy and give me project. It would be a financial challenge, but I have some ideas and hopefully there are courses and things I could do, and perhaps even women in forestry groups or communities. A couple of people said look to nature and in Covid, I used to say, when all else fails, we must look to our gardens. And I did say I was looking for something bigger….

What could possibly go wrong? I might even get a book out of it! 😂😂😂

I would go somewhere in the maritimes in Canada. St John’s, Newfoundland. somewhere in Prince Edward Island or Nova Scotia. Cliff / beach walking, whale and puffin watching, slow pace of life, great food, friendly people! And your money would go further!

Are you happy in life OP? When was the last time you felt content?
I know somebody IRL who has a very similar story to yours. I don't think inner peace and fulfiilment comes from where you are but it is very important that you like where you live. By that I mean, that it is has the amenities that you are looking for whether thats proximity to nature to a city.
I often think that the person I know would have more of a sense of purpose if she got a regular job and if her teen went to school. There are reasons the teen doesn't attend school, and its easy for me to say she would be better off if she did go. I wonder though what will become of the teen as she gets older. On a practical basis, how will she support herself enough to be in a position to have options. From the outside looking in, I believe she should be working towards exams and would benefit from being in groups with kids her own age. Her mum is always searching for something and has never quite found it.

Mine only stopped going at Christmas. There is something in what you say, but when you’re ND just interacting with normal life takes a LOT out of you. Even just the maintenance and regulation needs to cope can mean work or school is your ENTIRE life. That stinks. Plus, the appointments! There’s one or two most weeks. Getting the balance between structure and flex is tricky. And balancing time in the NT world and time recover is too. I need a low lager background level for weekly structure, With periods that are more intense and periods of almost complete withdraw and reset. She does better with a higher regular world-load than I can manage, but can’t manage the bursts of intensity and doesn't need the reset. I do seasonal work, which wires well for me, but maybe doesn’t help with the social side. She needs three days a week in school ideally (but school won’t support it)

And no, I’m not happy. I mean I am happier than most on a day to day superficial basis. There is comfort and acceptance and small joys. I do more things I enjoy and less things I don’t than most people. I’m always laughing and I LOVE the little things. I work HARD at being happy and I need to. But the big downsides are really very big. And I do feel it’s me versus world.

I understand that.
Can you pinpoint what makes you feel happiest?
And then what makes your daughter feel happiest?

And draw conclusions from that.

It sounds simple and I'm very aware it isn't. There is an expression that home is where the people you want to be with, are. Unless you are in a big family and stuck close to where you grew up, or have a history in an area and even then many face lonliness.
Being in an environment that makes you feel at peace will benefit you mentally but that sense of belonging can often only be felt when you 'fit in' and feel you are with your people It isn't easy to find that. Its probably why so many of us dream of escaping to a new place, a different climate, a different lifestyle. We probably won't fill the void but we will be superficially happier for longer. And for many that is better than the alternative.

Some sort of central pillars to build a life around. I also feel hopeless - not despairing or down. I'm quite hopeful and optimistic, and generally happier than most in a superficial day to day way. But I don't know WHAT to hope for. How do I plan a life that has depth and value that doesn't depend on potential people? I have....no idea!

OP - I get what you're saying - you articulate it so beautifully. Despite a long, contented marriage and a good relationship with my adult daughter, I too have spaces to fill especially with retirement on the horizon.

Do you think that most people fill their lives with casual interactions rather than deep meaningful connections? So casually chatting with a word colleague, impropmtu exchanges with fellow dog walkers, a bit of a laugh with people at Pilates, sharing thoughts at book club ... then home to make the tea, tidy the kitchen, watch TV and let the dog out before bed?

A quotidian life is the norm not the exception. Hence I mentioned building a life focusing on nature, art, music, literature so you create a hinterland which isn't dependent on external sources. You still need social connections, of course, but you take what people have to offer and don't expect complete fulfilment from them.

Gosh OP I would love to have a conversation with you. Lone parent for 15 years here, AuDHD DD16 and made the decision years ago (after living and working in the Middle East) to live in a small market town in Oxfordshire.

My Dd needed small class sizes (still does) as she finds the noise of large classrooms etc exhausting but she is quite independent. So picked this small place in the countryside which is a 25 min bus into Oxford. Best of both worlds for both of us as she matures and starts to be more self determined.

I need a lot of peace as also ND with a heavy career so decompressing is super important.

No one can prescribe what to do. It took me many visits and research to decide.

Gosh OP, you sound all over the shop.
You are asking for a world of very open ideas, but in fact the more you post, the more stipulations you have.

Maybe you need to work backwards, and with your daughter. So rule out places/lifestyles, and see what's left. You need to consider what your daughter will do for work too; unless you're happy to move again in a few years if needed.

Disclaimer- I'm not in the UK. And i don't know what kind of area you are in now. But I'm thinking the opposite of what most people think of for a 'big life change'... what about busy city living? It seems you are really really keen to build friendships, and with your autism, I'm wondering if a like-minded community would fit you better? Which you are much more likely to find groups of welcoming, quirky people, in the city. Your daughter would possibly also find a group of like-minded people, if she wants to.

College tends to be 3 days a week. My DD has found it so much better than high-school. Small classes. She goes in on Mondays, Tuesdays and Thursdays. That Wednesday break has been amazing for her to recalibrate before people-ing again.

I would move to the Scottish highlands, not too rural but like arisaig or somewhere with a fab scenery things to do. I would open a bnb just a little one that would pay some bills, and then live the rest of my days with loads of cats and a log fire.

I would move to the west coast of Scotland and get a place that’s big enough to live in with your DD long term and which already has/ could have holiday let potential.

Reasons are:

• it’s beautiful and for me being close to the sea helps my mental health;
• lots of sunlight;
• you can get a good property for £250k;
• I have found the communities very welcoming in their own way- because there are fewer people there is often more of an impetus to join in/ do things together;
• you’d have a business which your DD could consider running if necessary and enough space for her to be independent;
• Depending where you are you can be in Glasgow in a couple of hours, by the sea or in the mountains skiing!
• I rate Scotland as a country, I think its progressive and well equippped to deal with climate change etc as loads of natural resources, not too many people. It’s even bearable in the tourist season (unlike Cornwall etc).

I would definitely try to get a job but something low key like working in a shop or a cafe, or even in a school if you’ve been on the PTA, but ideally low stress and no take home work.

@VioletSpeedwell Do you think that most people fill their lives with casual interactions rather than deep meaningful connections? So casually chatting with a word colleague, impropmtu exchanges with fellow dog walkers, a bit of a laugh with people at Pilates, sharing thoughts at book club ... then home to make the tea, tidy the kitchen, watch TV and let the dog out before bed?

Yes, I think that’s exactly what most people mostly do. BUT I think people also have their nieces Christening. They all go to their Mum’s for Easter Sunday. Take turns to host Christmas. Brother in law has a big bash for his 50th. There’s a family WhatsApp group. And someone to help move a wardrobe or give you a lift back from car service. A partner to plan holidays with, navigate while you drive, plan to spend a few hundred pounds on a concept for a band you really want to see or spa weekend away. Can’t do that with a neighbour. It’s how I grew up and the ‘what are you doing for Christmas’ conversations go. The idea that those two things are interchangeable just doesn’t seem logical.

Shared history and future. Not just the casual now. Scaffolding and pillars. Big rocks. The things that you only notice and realise are important after you nearly die. Because if you have them, you don’t know they’re there. And they don’t look like much.

I performed in a dance show and had no one came to support me. That’s ok, I didn’t need support. The whole audience was friends and family. The dancers didn’t even hang out together before and after, or to watch the other acts - they joined their people. I went to a party where I knew no one but the host slightly. (It was excruciating. I didn’t leave) I’m repeatedly asked ‘what are you doing for Christmas/easter/bank holiday’ and answer is ‘nothing’ What CAN you do? If I go into hospital, there is no one who will bring me home or send me flowers or make sure my daughter is ok. I actually have flowers far more often than most women, because I buy them myself. I buy and wrap my own Christmas presents. I get WAY better presents, it’s true. (Would you swap?) I moved house and unexpectedly didn’t go to the dance class I’ve been going to for three years for a month. No one asked if I was ok, or took a video so I could catch up (it’s a monthly routine. I ALWAYS put a video on the group if someone isn’t there so they can see what they missed)

That’s not self pity. I have thankfully never been in a situation I can’t handle alone and I’m OK with it. I don’t ‘worry’ about it and plan for it as best I can. But it IS how it is. And what I’ve got to work to with. No one is entitled to this and everyone deserves it. I don’t blame people and I’m not asking about to how to find them. But how to fill that space independently of people.