To ask how you would start a new life?

[Notsowiseoldowl]

DD15 and I (48) need a new start somewhere. I'm so bogged down by how we got here, I'm struggling to be inspired or think of anything I want to do in life. Clearly, I need to pull myself together and find a new path.

So, you have £250k capital, and around £25K independent income annually, what would you do? Anything, anywhere - you have no geographical ties, no house, no family, friends or significant relationships, no career, no school, no significant hobbies, skills or passions. Reasonable physical health, neither of us in a great place mentally or emotionally (but nothing drastic - we are resilient and will be OK).

Be as specific as you like. Wild fantasies and safe choices welcome! (I'm trying to hard feel it's an amazing opportunity, but my future feels like a big, scary blank and I have nothing to orient by or rally around!)

I can’t help wondering about the online schooling. It doesn’t come cheap. Inter high and stuff are quite expensive.

canal boat
live off interest
work remote
move boat
travel during winter

I want to live in tromso Norway, where they have the polar night for 4 months in winter.

I think you need to ask your DD what she wants. It’s not only up to you at that age.

Move to an island in the Philippines. Buy a building plot for 100k near the white beaches. Build 3-4 storeys, ground floor coffee shop, small local shop and let out two floors on airbnb. Four Airbnb 1 bed apartments at 50£ net a night on 50% occupancy will be 36k a year, plus your coffee shop income and other 25k you can live really well kite surfing every day and pay for private education- I would be tempted by a British state boarding school or a boarding school in southeast Asia which teaches UK curriculum. Live on the top floor, manage the businesses, work minimal hours and enjoy beach living.

I moved to start a new life a few times I suppose, though it was always to take a job. The last real move was to the area I live in now, though I’ve lived in two different houses within it. That was 22 years ago.

I don’t ever want to move again, so if I did it would be because ds needed me to be somewhere else. Thank the universe, he doesn’t seem to have inherited his dad’s MH problems, but if he did, he might need somewhere more remote from the busy place we live now. A friend lives in one of the Saddleworth moor villages near Oldham which are great communities with spectacular scenery walkable from the door. They’re not that cheap, but I’ve just spotted a two bed cottage which needs full refurbishment for substantially less than your capital. No doubt it’s got issues, but you say you could do the refurbishment so I’d probably move there and try to see if dd could develop any practical skills. I know a young autistic adult who is able to work as long as the job is fairly solitary, and they’re a self employed painter and decorator.

And I’d pick a couple of things to volunteer for, plant some fruit and veg, and just see how it went. I found it took two years of consistent volunteering in several different things to feel as if I had real friends.

When we were young with my first child still a baby we literally closed our eyes and put a pin in the map. It ended up being a town in Devon. We moved there with two rucksacks and a baby. We camped, then bought a boat to live on through the summer and found a place to rent in winter.

I’m not sure it was a wise decision but we lived in Devon for several years and it was one of the best phases of my life. I’d definitely like to live near the coast again one day.

If you have an autistic DD who does not go to school, I would be very reluctant to leave this country.

This country is much more accepting of autism/school refusers/non workers. Other countries may not be as accepting.

I would not move anywhere too rural.
Your DD is at an age where you can start having more of your own life and that’s very difficult when you live somewhere that’s too rural.

DD will be going to college soon and so I would base my decision around that.
Find out what course she may be interested in and then explore different colleges.
Once you have found a college or 2 that seem suitable for her then research the surrounding areas.

I am a bit worried that your daughter seems to be lost in all this. She is at an formative age and education is really important. Life is tough, and it is even harder for young people who don’t have any kind of qualifications or experience.

Is your daughter academically able? Where do her interests lie? I would try and get a rough idea of her strengths and life goals and work back from there. Does she want to do an apprenticeship, does other work interest her, like Childcare or hairdressing? Or is she hoping for university? I think you need to work backwards from where she wants to be and find somewhere you can live where she can achieve these goals in a supportive environment. Even if she is doing online schooling, she may need other networks to achieve her goals.

Please put her front and centre of your plans. I realise that my advice is boring compared to that of many other others here, but you don’t get these years back as a young person to learn and start out in the world.

Honestly, OP (and obviously you don’t have to answer this on here), a lot is going to depend on why exactly you find yourself so entirely without any relationships or ties of any kind. Have you had a community, job, set of connections or a life that satisfied you in the past?

The Western Isles. Benbecula.

it sounds like what you want is close friends /family. You can't buy those and moving to a new area where you don't know anyone is unlikely to help. Don't move to a remote bit of Scotland! It's dark a lot in the winter, locals may or may not be interested in another lot of incomers and very limited opportunities for your DD. I live in Scotland and like it (honest!) but have met a lot of miserable people who moved to the Western Isles for a happier life but still have the same issues they arrived with, in a place that looks gorgeous on the TV on a good day but most of the time is cold & dreich.

This is a really interesting and thought provoking thread op!

I really empathise with your situation as I am also a single mum with a similar child except I've a younger one too.

I think like me you have lost yourself a bit. You're looking for meaning and purpose and connection. I can relate to that. I also struggle with it in that being a single parent carer means I've ran out of "spoons" to find what I'm looking for. I've lost myself in years of being a parent carer and advocating for my child.

The town I live in has a bad rap/reputation but has soo many community groups and spaces, charities, a huge home ed community, lots of Sen charities and groups, amazing parks, free museums etc and is close to the coast and cheap to live. I feel fortunate that even if I won the lottery I wouldn't move far away.

Have you ever had any therapy or counselling? It might help you to be able to sit and really hone in on how you are feeling and what you feel you need or are looking for? I've found that really helpful when I've felt lost in my roles and forgetting what I actually want to find for myself.

It sounds like you’ve done all the right things but the quality of the connections you have aren’t fulfilling what you need. And that’s really tough. Your posts put me in mind of the lyrics from message in a bottle - the general human condition of loneliness. I get it. And raising a ND child - especially as a lone parent - is exhausting. I don’t have suggestions or solutions but want to validate your feelings. I hear you x

I don’t think travelling with your teen is a good idea. You need stability and comfort and some predictably for her and a future for her too. So I’d move somewhere cheaper like Scotland (Fife is close to Edinburgh and Dundee for FE opportunities and jobs for dd). Get a nice older house with room for you both and a garden, near the coast for coastal walks and a garden for outdoor activity. Get involved in the local community and find yourselves some friends and support.

Have you considered cohousing? There are communal living versions where you have your own bedroom but share everything else but there is also cohousing where you have your own house but also shared spaces like a big kitchen/ lounge, shared gardens, laundry, pantry, maybe co-working space.

It's her choice to go to online school or somewhere new. There is no limit on age on education. No one cares if you get GSCEs at 16 or 22. But you only get one adolescence where you're forming habits for life - I think that's far more important and has a much greater impact on peoples lives. How many people in their forties are undoing patterns laid down in adolescence, following burn out and breakdown from making typical career and relationship choices because they weren't able to form healthy identities as atypical teens? It's utterly pointless to pretend we're a typical family. So we don't. We accept the downsides and we lean heavily into the upsides, even if we have to look hard for them.

I think people massively underestimate how tough school is on autistic teens and how much toll it takes. The focus is entirely on 'coping' with a world you are poorly resourced to cope with. And a life spent just about coping really sucks! We are focusing on accepting who she is, and by also accepting that the world isn't somewhere she can 'just' mould herself to fit with a bit of effort, but we can build a life where she doesn't need to cope. And a year or two investing in that is worth decades of just about coping in my opinion.

She's bright enough. But school is so draining for her. She's burnt out at 15! If she decides she wants something, she will walk over hot coals to achieve it. If you try to push her into something that doesn't feel safe or possible for her, she will fight you all the way. This is a collaborative decision. I'll work with who she is and if nothing else she will learn you can make mistakes, you can pick up the pieces and that I will always have her back.

I'm happy to answer. I didn't because I just wanted as many and as wide a variety of ideas as possible and I didn't want to limit people. And I don't think it actually matters, really (although I could be dead wrong!). This is a nutshell - it's a hard concept to articulate, and my menopausal brain is struggling with words.

DD and I are both AuDHD. That's tough. But actually, we are pretty successful. We aren't ever going to be like everyone else, and that's OK.

I left her father when she was a toddler and he later died. We not have a relationship with his family. My parents moved abroad and choose not to visit unless they have appointments here. They don't ask us to visit. There is no rift. they just chose to follow their path. I have no siblings, and nor does she. We used to have a close friend who was like family, but they moved to Dubai five years ago. I moved us into a small midlands town and I did All The Joining In - the book clubs, the litter picks, the community centre Zumba, the yoga, the am-dram, The PTA. For five years (eight for the PTA) But people have families and busy lives - they turn up, do the thing, and go home to their big rocks. Community is gravel and sand. And that's OK, too. It's very unusual to be so exposed as we are. I've been super surprised how much the loss of my friend and tagging along with her family life underpinned our lives. In terms of hours, it wasn't really that much and I supported her with practical stuff much more that she did me because I had more flexible time.

But that leaves a LOT of space around us. 'Community' doesn't just become big rocks because we have space where those key people should be. And we may well find those people - I hope so and there's no reason why not - but we also might not. And it might take long time. And I need STILL need to fill that space with significant, meaningful things that matter and that don't depend on others stepping up. Because they might not. There's no resentment or bitterness - its no ones fault - just acceptance of our lived experience. It's just how it is.

We moved from there because of an odd gap in income. We're only a mile away - we haven't uprooted ourselves. But neither of us want to go back. It just hasn't been the roots or the anchor or whatever we are missing. We've just got nothing much to go back to. We could move anywhere and have the same level of 'community' in a few months quite easily. It was the right choice and I'm glad we moved there. But a few nice neighbours that wave and a Tuesday Zumba class etc isn't something you build a life around. It just wasn't enough. And I think anywhere would be pretty much the same. Place isn't the problem.

I'm not going to move abroad or travel (I have a campervan. She hates it. I've done the bit of land thing. I don't miss it) That's how you leave things behind. We need to something to come back to. But I don't know WHAT! It's really hard to put into to words. I feel very adrift and I need something to ground us. Some sort of central pillars to build a life around. I also feel hopeless - not despairing or down. I'm quite hopeful and optimistic, and generally happier than most in a superficial day to day way. But I don't know WHAT to hope for. How do I plan a life that has depth and value that doesn't depend on potential people? I have....no idea! But I can't just bounce around like a pinball hoping to run into a the right people. It might never happen. I need to build a life where we have less empty space. We need some sort of passion or vocation or foundation independent of others (and hopefully one day inclusive of them. I'm not discounting it. But I'm not going to sit around and wait for it to happen, either)

Placemarking x

If it was just me I’d campervan around Europe, but I also have a 15 year old ASD DD and I don’t think she’d like the instability of that. Plus I do worry about the safety aspect of staying in unknown places as a lone female (or 2 in your case).

UK wise, I’d make a shortlist of possible places, maybe ask chat gpt to help with that. Narrow it down by the kinds of things that you think you’d like - eg remote, semi rural, good transport links, near the sea etc etc etc. And then go with DD to visit those places for a weekend. Get a feel of it, chat to locals. I think you will just know when the right place comes along. I do house sitting and once in a while I stay in a place that I would love to live in. The place I’m currently staying is like that, it just feels like home, and I’m talking about the village rather than the house. It ticks all my boxes and people are so friendly. It’s a village I’ve driven through hundreds of times but I wouldn’t know how much I wanted to live here without spending some time here. It won’t happen because I can’t afford to buy a house 😂, but if I won the lottery…

I would also add that it takes time to feel like you are truly part of a new community, at least 3 years, so be prepared for that wherever you go.

It does take time. I’m not so naive as to believe it will just happen overnight. And I’m not so jaded as to think it will never happen. It’s about place and purpose - not geographically. Building a life you belong in, but also that goes beyond your self interest, how you fill your time or make your money. It can come from faith, family or community, certainly. I think that’s where most people are given it (you don’t choose those things. People choose you. Faith I don’t know about) But it can also be built - from a career path or vocations. Enterprises, ventures, projects, life’s work, causes, contributions, passions. Obsessions, feuds and vendettas sometimes. (I don’t think that would be wise, but it’s the dark side of the same coin)

I just don’t have those things! And I don’t feel it’s for want of effort or lack of will. I think if build that, it won’t matter where. Perhaps the people will follow. And perhaps they won’t. I don’t think it matters and at the end of the day, that isn’t a choice I have control over. (If this sounds very airy fairy, it’s because you don’t notice this until you don’t have it, and that’s a very good thing!)

DD wanted to teach the dog to talk @Notsowiseoldowl

Have you see the talking dogs with their buttons? It's all scientifically backed and amazing to see how dogs have so many thoughts and emotions. The buttons give them the tools to communicate and show us what they are capable of.
It would be an enriching experience for both the dog and your DD!

I’m in stitches! I read that as talking with their bottoms!!! I haven’t seen it, but dogs don’t need buttons. Dogs communicate very expressively. Having failed to teach the dog to talk, DD and I learned to speak canine. It was a VERY useful experience in terms accepting who we are, who others are and how we live together with varying abilities without change or blame. Not unlike trying to understand and mesh with the NT world. (Which is frankly a lot harder than the dog one! 😂)

It just wasn't enough. And I think anywhere would be pretty much the same. Place isn't the problem.

Thanks for your detailed reply to my earlier question. My own experience suggests that place can absolutely be the problem, and that anywhere isn't pretty much the same. Have you lived in many different places?

I think you may have just been unlucky in your most recent environment. I lived in a large Midlands village for seven years, with no friends locally, almost none in the UK at all, and all family overseas, and, like you, I did all the joining and volunteering and inviting, as well as having a child in pre-school and later the village primary, and a job in the nearest city, and I'm a socially-confident person who has moved around the UK and elsewhere a fair bit, and had never struggled with friendships. The most it got me in that place was a couple of pleasant acquaintances. It was an incredibly lonely period.

With hindsight, I can see that it was just a poor match of person and place. It was fairly insular, and wasn't used to foreigners, and I stuck out as unusual to an extent that I simply wasn't aware of at the time. And I'm not ND, and neither is DS. It just didn't work there. There I was an oddball of a type that didn't go down well.

But we moved again in 2019 and this has been an entirely different experience. Even though it was shortly before the first Covid lockdown, I probably had more meaningful connections within two months than I had in seven years in my previous place. Circumstances have meant that I haven't been able to put myself out there to anywhere near my usual extent, but it's clear the place (a small city) is a far better match for my needs, whether that's for making friends or finding engaging, meaningful things to do. So I suppose we're back to thinking about what matters to you? Here the amount of cultural life available (film and theatre festivals, book events, music scene, visual arts etc etc) means that even if I never made a friend here I would be able to make a meaningful and enjoyable existence. What is that for you?