To ask how you would start a new life?

[Notsowiseoldowl]

DD15 and I (48) need a new start somewhere. I'm so bogged down by how we got here, I'm struggling to be inspired or think of anything I want to do in life. Clearly, I need to pull myself together and find a new path.

So, you have £250k capital, and around £25K independent income annually, what would you do? Anything, anywhere - you have no geographical ties, no house, no family, friends or significant relationships, no career, no school, no significant hobbies, skills or passions. Reasonable physical health, neither of us in a great place mentally or emotionally (but nothing drastic - we are resilient and will be OK).

Be as specific as you like. Wild fantasies and safe choices welcome! (I'm trying to hard feel it's an amazing opportunity, but my future feels like a big, scary blank and I have nothing to orient by or rally around!)

Ex-pat communities are often more welcoming. I know because I lived abroad for a number of years. They can be nice because they are very supportive when things go wrong.

I think you should rent a house for a year in a village in the South of France or the Pyrenees where there are a few British ex-pats. Just for a year. You'll need visas of course, but you sound like your administrative skills are pretty good. You could easily live on the £25k.

I'd think about causes you are passionate about and move somewhere you can do that every day, or try a retreat where you can do it every day for e.g. a month and connect with like-minded people. So if it's marine conservation - move to beach and join a local group.

I've picked my village and road in which to buy, for when the inevitable happens to frail DH. Visited twice and know the surrounding area very well. Checked public transport and facilities, routes for walking the dog, plus activities I can participate in - U3A, church, birdwatching opportunities, film night etc. Several pubs, shops, garden centre.

The last few years as an unpaid carer have been so tough that my vision of the future is one of the few things that keep me going.

25k presumably post tax with no work expenses isn't bad at all especially if it doesn't include rent or mortgage.

But you may need to avoid certain expensive areas.

I think I get it, I've had something kinda similar recently. My kids are slightly younger than your DD but definitely where they're at an age they're more self sufficient and I have time to do something new and exciting. Unfortunately I've been focusing on being a parent for so long I've forgotten who I am and what would would make me happy even if I have time to do it. So I get the needing and wanting to do something different but having literally no idea what that could be.

One thing that's been useful for me was to look back all over my life and pick out times when I've been so into an activity or thing that I've completely lost track of time (based on something we did in work yonks ago) It can be literally anything and as mundane as you like (I love animals so mine were things like when I volunteered at an animal sanctuary as I kid, when I took my friends dog for a run through the woods and he looked so happy and then slobbered on me 😆). It gives a good view of what makes you happy and hopefully a pick list of things you could start to introduce back into your life and try out.

So if I was in your situation I'd start volunteering at an animal rescue again and if the reality of working outside and scooping poop all day wasn't too bad I'd look into starting my own little rescue 😊

So you need somewhere that isn’t too remote if online school is important, somewhere that is not local place for local people, so a population with people who have moved there, and preferably housed with £250k , all in.

Outskirts of a smaller northern city. Sheffield?

I think you need to find a community. I am a single parent and my friends keep me sane. Saturday evenings we drink wine in my kitchen, we pick up each others kids and babysit. My friend went out to live in another (much hotter, cheaper) country but came back after 12 months as she didn’t connect with anyone and her and her children were miserable. The English kids were all either chavs or very insular, and they didn’t share as many cultural values with the locals despite speaking the language well. Essentially not all other cultures are as ‘pro’ single parent as the UK. It can be lonely.
So as shit as the UK is, rain, bills, etc I am yet to find one where I can be quite so honest and open. My child is also on the spectrum and the UK is actually one of the most progressive in that area. Understanding high functioning autism is just not a thing in my dad’s country. There’s that to consider as well.

get a dog ?

And start studying something you enjoy

Would your DD be capable of and enjoy doing any research?

Perhaps consider asking her to research half a dozen places where she might like to live (whilst making it clear to her that she won't have the final say, you are just looking for her suggestions).

Another one who'd get a campervan here. Travel around the UK for six months- a year, explore landmarks and museums. Attend local groups to get a feel for the area. Use the libraries for DDs online schooling. Find an area where you want to settle, stay in the camper whilst you find a job and take the time to get to know the area really well before buying a property.

I’d recommend therapy to be honest. You sound lost. It would help you see a path forward.

Ah OK sorry. I got a completely different vibe from your OP and thought you did want out.

I don’t think this is about where we find to live, but how we build a life and a family.

I can see how if you had a family or roots to ground you, escaping looks like being free, because they’ll always be there. But when you don’t have the roots, it looks like being, well, lonely somewhere new.~

I've done this a few times and there is a knack to it.

The way to make connections and put down roots IME is to treat your local community like a religion. (If you can stand it then churches are a great place to do this too). Find regular social events and attend them every time, or as close as is possible. Be a willing volunteer for things and say yes to as much as you can even if it doesn't seem like your thing - just give it a go and find out. Seek out ways to put down roots - finding something that is difficult or unusual that links you with others can be helpful e.g. I'm in a non English-speaking country and many of my friends are from the local English speakers/expat group. I also have ND kids and finding other ND families is crucial IMO. Or join a group relating to a hobby that you enjoy like amateur dramatics or sport or crafts or whatever it might be. When my eldest was little, I was in an attachment parenting group because I felt very alone in this approach. I didn't seek out that type of community with my younger two but I do still have a few friends from that first group with DS1. But don't spread yourself around too many different groups unless you're in a stage of trying to find the one where you fit. Overlap is good, but if you're in seven distinctly different social circles, unless you are an exceedingly social person you won't have time to commit to any of them properly and the relationships don't form the same.

At least one of the things IME should be something where you're working or building/creating something together with others because it brings you together in a different kind of way, but also because then that thing that you've built/worked on/etc is the "root" or the plant, if you like.

I think it's a mistake to plan to live off the £25k, maybe DD can of she struggles, but you need a job that embeds you in the local community. I have a cousin who left a professional job in London and lives on a small Scottish island now, she works in a cafe, baking, sometimes teaching kids to bake, giving piano lessons etc. it's a community where everyone gives what they can and she's really happy. There's something on the church hall every evening, it might be Zumba using YouTube, or a film, or something sort of art class. It just takes someone saying "lets learn to crochet" and it'll start. Not as polished or professional as classes in cities, but a very strong community

So somewhere like that, with a job in a cafe, shop, vet office, school etc. would fill that gap - Sicily? Cornwall? Ireland?

In smaller, insular, village type places then you're looking to get "in" to a core community group and this tends to mean relating to a church, a school or various community ventures/whichever is the biggest social club, which in the UK is often literally a pub. Or if there is one major employer in the area that is the other way to make connections. You probably won't have as much choice of activities but you can usually find a niche if you are willing to pitch in. However, you do have to go slowly and be careful to observe the local microculture and the social hierarchy before you barge in and step on the wrong foot or befriend the person who seems nice but turns out to be an absolute nutter/narc but you can't speak ill of them because they are beloved.

In larger, metropolitan/urban/suburban areas then you're looking more for the niche interest groups and for a way to feel a bit like "We are the weirdos united against the harsh world". You might need to travel more to find your circle and as a result the circle tends to be a bit more spread out (which means you can cheat and do both the village and wider area thing if you're willing to do both, but maybe it works best to try and approach one at a time.)

Start by thinking what gives you pleasure and what gives you hassle. If I imagine a dream weekend, it involves a long country walk but it also involves a night at the theatre, seeing an exhibition, going to a music or comedy gig, picking up some delicious food from a market. So that tells me that the majority of things I find pleasure in are city-based.

Then if I think of what hassles me: I hate being miles from public transport, shops, hospitals. I like all these on my doorstep. I get frustrated that the place we live in has no gym or swimming pool because it is so time consuming to have to travel into a nearby town for these. So again, that tells me I prefer city living.

But I really adore country walks. They are a massive pleasure. So add all these up and it suggests living on the outskirts of a big city with a strong and varied cultural life would be my ideal place.

Then think about practicalities and day to day living. I love having people over and people to stay so I'd want a spare bedroom and OSP. I need a WFH office space as most of my work is home-based, so I'd want a spacious reception or a garden with room to build a home office I'd want somewhere that was safe and fun for my daughter to grow up, with lots of opportunities in sports, arts, music.

And then there's the £250k limit. That rules out London and several other major cities. So I thought about areas where I might know people so there's a start point of social life. I put it into Right Move for Whitley Bay, because I did a bit of work there and met some lovely people I clicked with, who are the type to be friendly to newcomers and I know there are projects there I'd like to be involved with. It's also a short Metro ride into Newcastle for theatre shows, galleries, music gigs etc.

I found a cute 3-bed terraced house for £195k, so that leaves some money in the bank for emergencies and holidays. Buying outright means no mortgage so the £25k per year would go a lot further than for most people spending on rent or mortgage. It's easy walking distance from the Metro station into the city, and to the lovely market and shops, with very trendy Tynemouth close by. It's close to the beach. I can imagine exactly the life I want right there. So I'd go for it.

I adore living by the sea. I’m in Scotland so the weather is wild but I love it in all weather. Medium town

Personally I’d buy a little cottage in a field near a wood preferably. About 20 minutes away from
the sea. And then I’d make it incredibly cosy and I’d bake bread and pies and I’d make picnics and I’d ride horses and go sea kayaking and get fish and chips on a Friday. And go on long walks with the dog.

Maybe in Cornwall, Devon, Norfolk or, if possible, the Scilly Isles.

What do you like? Cities, towns, villages, rural what amenities, what public transport, sea, mountains, culture,

I was going to suggest similar to the above ^^

With a fifteen year old dd, I think you are not quite at the point where you can be totally free making this decision as you have to consider their needs. But, speaking as the mother of a dd with ASD, you definitely need to protect your own mh and try and live a life that fulfills you too. Also, your dd’s needs and wishes are subject to change with her being so young currently,

I was going to suggest moving to the countryside as we have done, as my dd finds practical life; travel, driving, shopping, etc much more manageable where it’s not as busy. We do have a train station nearby though which accesses a reasonably sized town in 40 minutes.

Also, it’s much harder to be completely alone and anonymous in some parts of the countryside than it is in the town. But you have to choose the location carefully and get really stuck in to village life.

However, it sounds as though you have already moved to a rural location and it hasn’t worked out. But perhaps your dd was a little young to take on the responsibility of animals then?

Therefore I would stay where you are for the moment, earn as much money as you can in the meantime, and wait until your dd is nineteen or twenty and then move to the country, but not more than a forty minute train journey from a reasonably sized town where she can access therapy and/or further education or training?

Suffolk or Norfolk would be ideal as East Anglia combines town and rural life quite well but house prices reflect that unfortunately.

I would therefore move up North (where people speak to each other!) to live on the edge of a lively market town or large village?

Maybe somewhere like South Lakes or Lancashire?

I don’t know why posters are suggesting moving abroad as post-Brexit, I think your financial situation is too precarious, and as a pp has already said, facilities for dc with ASD are often not as developed as in UK.

It would be extra hard on your dd without the language skills too.

Plus, you would have to live and work in France, for example, consistently for five to ten years and demonstrate tax receipts without breaks for that period of time (
and good language skills and integration) in order to gain residency and eventually a French passport, and it’s a lot more difficult to do that now post-Brexit if you have to return to the UK every ninety days? Travel is not cheap either! Plus you would have to assess how moving abroad could possibly affect your pension and benefits back in uk. And you could lose a lot of money if it didn’t work out and you had to move back.

Best to stick to UK as you say and chose an area that is semi-rural. If you are willing to supplement your income with practical tasks op then people are crying out for tutors, house and pet sitters, cleaners and mothers’ helps in the countryside.

For 250k ?

You could get a house in Bristol for 250K and find lots of similar people to you and your daughter. I find it a wonderful city for young neurodiverse people.

I can appreciate what people are saying about community. If you have a partner, parents, siblings etc community is great to top that off and provide variety. But just because we have space where those pillars usually are doesn’t mean that ‘community’ fills the space. Because people have that already and that’s what they are grounded in. It’s not just finding people. They have to have space too.

I’m part of a community. I have clubs and hobbies and I volunteer. It’s fine. But it’s not enough to go back to. They don’t replace fulfilling vocations or deep relationships or whatever else people find meaning and inspiration in. And they don’t generate them, either. People turn up, discuss the book, pick the litter, do the Zumba class, chat a bit maybe etc and go home to their already full lives. I’m not complaining. People should prioritise their people. (Sometimes, when I hear about people’s people, I feel very lucky!)

I don’t have those people. I may, or may not, find them. That’s not something I can control and I’m OK with that. It’s no one’s fault. It’s just that I still have so much….space. And while I’m hoping for the best and already doing all (I think) I can, I also need to plan for the worst and build a fulfilled and rich life that isn’t dependent on hypothetical people. Much like the way you approach finding a partner (which I’m open to, but not actively seeking)

Sounds like you would like a partner?
you could date?

Will.she get a visa so she can stay for more than 90 days out of 180? Doubt it.