To ask how you would start a new life?

[Notsowiseoldowl]

DD15 and I (48) need a new start somewhere. I'm so bogged down by how we got here, I'm struggling to be inspired or think of anything I want to do in life. Clearly, I need to pull myself together and find a new path.

So, you have £250k capital, and around £25K independent income annually, what would you do? Anything, anywhere - you have no geographical ties, no house, no family, friends or significant relationships, no career, no school, no significant hobbies, skills or passions. Reasonable physical health, neither of us in a great place mentally or emotionally (but nothing drastic - we are resilient and will be OK).

Be as specific as you like. Wild fantasies and safe choices welcome! (I'm trying to hard feel it's an amazing opportunity, but my future feels like a big, scary blank and I have nothing to orient by or rally around!)

Thanks for this recommendation, claude just sorted my whole damn life out in an hour 🤣

I would buy a little smallholding in Wales, with enough space to house a few animals and to convert outbuildings (or at least one room) to a holiday rental / B&B. That way, you could generate a small but regular extra income and be sociable when you want to be.

Your DD might want to work with animals, from what you have said, so a smallholding would give you space for her to extend it as a hobby to start with (chickens, geese, a pig, for example). There are plenty of semi-rural / touristy properties in your price range.

I'd start with the environmental factors that brought me joy and improved my wellbeing. So for me that would be living near green spaces and ideally the sea. I'd then research possible towns and select one on the basis of affordability and access to amenities.
I'd buy a small house preferably outright.
When there, I'd enlist in volunteering somewhere that would open up a new skill set (the local voluntary service council has loads of opportunities beyond charity shops) and maybe set me up for paid work. I'd join groups I was interested in, drama, sports, books, walking etc, taking a scatter gun approach initially so I could explore loads of options to see what stuck.

Van life or as previously stated, a property in north of scotland, wick/thurso area overlooking the sea. close enough to contact if you want it.

I changed my name, got a dog and moved far away, which was a start! I now live much more rurally, which is good for me, as I don't do well in busy places. I also work on a farm, despite not growing up on one.

I have always fantasised about living in a remote area, on a croft or smallholding, growing my own fruit and veg, keeping bees, sheep, etc. I can shear sheep and knit, so I just need to learn to spin wool in order to knit my own jumpers!

In your situation, I think that I would travel around (with your daughter able to access online schooling) until I found somewhere that I was happy to settle down.

I would move to Scotland on a whim because i thinks it’s a good, progressive place and I’d want my teen DD to go to a good uni and I could easily get a job in my field.
I’d want beautiful walks/views but close to somewhere like Edinburgh where all the cultural and fun places are. I’d live in a small, very modern house or flat, very practical and comfortable but not excessive and spend any extra on holidays.

Scottish highlands is probably the cheapest option in the UK. However, you need to check broadband speeds for wherever you go for your dd to do online learning.

Do a CELTA. See where you can get a visa for, and whether home education is allowed in that country. Check the legality of taking DD abroad if her father doesn't agree.

It’s really interesting how many people want to opt out. I’m trying to find something to opt IN to 😝I think where matters less than what.

I have a van. I love it, but DD HATES it. (Teens!) but we have traveled a fair bit. The mental load of Vanlife is quite a lot more than a fixed home, certainly as a lone adult with a child. I know it looks very free, but it isn’t quite like that. It fact you have to make more decisions about even more basics all the time. In a foreign language. (Like where you will sleep. You can’t just stop for a view!) It is absolutely fun, and it’s what I’d do if I was on my own, regardless of the strain. I also have to meet all DDs social needs and she meets none of mine. Travel can very lonely - you meet people all the time. But only in passing. Meeting people in passing is easy. Finding people who want to meet you again - that’s harder! Anyway, it’s only putting it off. You can’t be a nomad for ever.

I’ve also done the bit of land thing. Again, it’s a heavy mental load on your own. It’s also very isolating. And it’s HARD work. Which I don’t mind itself. But when it’s just you against (literal!) piles of shit every day it’s a bit soul destroying. So many physical jobs would be a thousand times easier with a hand, especially with animals. DD also loathes that. Although she likes to play with animals, she won’t be responsible for them and she won’t help willingly. I can make her but that’s harder than doing it alone. I’ve said NO more animals. I just end up with all the ties and work. A pair of neurotic dogs that howled when left and destroyed everything in sight were the last straw!!! Worse than toddlers.

So I bought a house on a nice estate with nice neighbours in a nice area and did it up nicely with a nice (but very small) garden. All nice and manageable. I needed to rent it out to cover unexpected gap in income, so we moved to a terrace that needed doing up in exchange for low rent. Although we don’t like it here, neither of us want to go back. I miss the house, but not the life, And what would I do there? Cooking, baking, sewing, yoga etc etc are fine, but they aren’t a whole life. The neighbours were nice in passing, but nothing more. People are tied up with their own lives, as they should be.

I don’t think this is about where we find to live, but how we build a life and a family.

I can see how if you had a family or roots to ground you, escaping looks like being free, because they’ll always be there. But when you don’t have the roots, it looks like being, well, lonely somewhere new.

I'd take a year out and live/ volunteer at Sadhana Forest in India. Then I'd reassess and see if I was any clearer as to what I should do next with my life.

No father to complicate things. He left and then died when she was a toddler. She doesn’t remember him and I’ve bust a gut to make sure she doesn’t feel she missed out. She isn’t bothered (and I’m immensely proud of that. It’s a tough line to walk)

Trying to put myself in your shoes, I think I would move to a small town in a place that’s physically beautiful and where you can access nature easily. Find a small house with some outside space, but nothing remote - you clearly want to feel part of a community. Get a low-stress job in retail or
hospitality to supplement your other income, and start joining things.

Maybe you could both go to college (different ones so it’s not weird!) when she’s 16?

Personally, I'd move to somewhere near the sea, a coastal village, with good links to a town.

I'd want to work or volunteer so I would want to find some opportunities locally.

As a Christian I'd want an accessible and lively, community-minded church. I'd want opportunities for my child to make friends locally.

What's most important to you?

Really gently OP: wherever you go, there you are.

Ties to anyone or anything or not, completely uprooting and changing your life is mentally taxing for anyone. I know tonnes of people who've had a "I'll be happy when I move to Wales/Dubai/Bali/Australia/New Zealand etc" times in their lives but have have all returned (usually out of pocket to the tune of tens of grand minimum).

I would buy a small house on the Llyn peninsula in Wales, because it's beautiful and remote and probably affordable for your small income. I'd train to do something I could work freelance in, such as proofreading. This gives you the option of income but with the flexibility to do as much as you want or need. I'd travel lots. Let your daughter study online if that's what she wants to do.

I would buy a campervan and travel around, or live by the beach. If no ties at all then maybe move to Spain or something?

How about trying out new areas by doing Airbnb for a few months at a time somewhere? This would give you an idea about where you would like to be? I realise this might not be ideal if your daughter needs the same routine of if you don't have funds, but if you can work from home it could be the opportunity to begin your adventure.

I would get a decent campervan and spend a few months travelling. After that coming home might seem like enough of a luxury not to need anything more drastic.

I am very much a homebody op and from my point of view a secure home is the basis for everything. You can follow your interests, reach out and work or join groups or stay at home. Visit other countries on holiday or for longer periods. Is your 'nice' house in a really dull area? Would you like a bigger garden? Does your daughter's autism mean she doesn't like change? Do you like cities with museums and galleries, rural quiet or something in between - towns with things going on but a slower pace of life? Is there anyone whose life you 'envy' in the sense of saying I'd love to do that?

I completely agree. Where doesn’t really matter. But we have to be somewhere and do something.

It’s quite the reverse. I’ve nothing to uproot or leave behind. I’m not trying to leave all my problems behind. I’m looking to build a fulfilling life with what I have. Which is me, £250k, £25k per annum and my wits (which I will freely admit are a bit depleted just now! I feel like first episode in a mindless Netflix series!)

Life in the UK seems quite complicated enough! I can’t imagine it would be less complex anywhere else. (I have never lived anywhere else. I might be wrong about this)

You could look at pet sitting if you wanted to explore other countries. You stay for free in exchange for looking after pets. Some stays can be a month or more. I think you have to be a bit careful about working visas as it can be classed as work (I'm not 100% sure about that).

I think you're ambitious thinking that two of you will live of 25k a year. Are you able to add to that income by working at home?

We live on less than that now!

If you are looking at opting in and finding people to connect with then maybe look at your own interests and then look at places that might match that. For example Totnes in Devon has a large number of quite alternative residents and many groups that align their various interests. Also quite a large and active home Ed community.

You sound as if you’ve become isolated and lost and need to join, participate and get involved which is very possible but definitely takes time and effort.

Do you anticipate that DD will become independent at some point? The next ten years could bring many changes in her life so don’t plan solely on her needs unless you’re happy to uproot again in 3-6 years.

Good luck, I’d be interested to know what you decide to do.