To go LC with PILs because FIL voted for Trump?

[EachotherAndAnother]

I've been married for 18 years, two primary-aged DC. My ILs are American. They live about 20 mins drive from us (in the UK). For most of my marriage we've gotten along fine-ish, although I've often felt like they cross a lot of boundaries and have learned to be judicious about how much I open up to them. But they're hospitable and generous - have helped us financially when buying our house, help with the DC in the holidays etc.
They've occasionally made comments that have rubbed me the wrong way, but I've dismissed them as typical boomer nonsense - e.g. the idea that poor people are usually poor because they've make bad choices. They also cautioned their other son (DH's brother), who was planning to (and did) marry a Black woman, that any time a "minority" has married into the family it's ended up causing problems and division. But by and large I keep my conversations with them superficial and manage to rub along ok. The DC adore them.
But - I recently found out that FIL voted for Trump. Any time a controversial issue has come up regarding politics in the US, the conversation gets shut down very quickly, but I had my suspicions and these are now confirmed. And maybe it's ridiculous but I just can't stomach being around them anymore - I'm disgusted that he felt a man like that deserved to be elevated to the role of president and I'm furious about the havoc that is unleashing in the States and elsewhere. I don't want my daughter (in particular, but also not my son) spending time with them, I just feel like they're completely different people from me, with completely different values.
They are oblivious to how I feel and would feel blindsided if I brought it up. We would definitely not be able to have a productive conversation about it. So AIBU to just quietly stop accepting invitations, offers of help etc and gradually distance my family from theirs, or is that a massive overreaction?

Yes you are very unreasonable. You say these people are kind and generous and that your children adore them, that is the important thing.

My in-laws have slightly dodgy (Reform) political views which they are perfectly entitled to hold. I have learned, for the sake of my blood pressure, over the years to not talk politics with them. You married into this family, you cannot just remove the grandchildren on these grounds, it's cruel.

By the way, my DC even after being exposed to the in-laws views for many years, are politically left wing and hate Trumpism. It's not catching.

You're hiding? I really don't know why families talk to each other about politics. He can vote for whoever he sees fit. He is holding his vote that he's entitled to.

I think we forget that Boomers are the generation who marched for civil rights, who brought us the fire and social change of the 60s and 70s and brought us abortion rights, maternity rights etc.

Look, if someone I’m close to posted right wing bollox on social media, I’d seek first to understand - then influence. This has been a successful approach for me.

same if someone I was close to from US was voting trump. Often as I say it’s down to life exp. And exposure.

some of us have privilege of diverse exposure, news, travel, education that others don’t

its doesn’t make you better than them or more moral.

pretending that it does leads to division- which is the thing you are against right?

seek to understand and then influence.

if 50% of the UK started voting for a new hitler how would cutting them all off help?

It's an interesting one where politics has become so extreme.

My dad voted Brexit and Reform. He doesn't like Trump but is a huge fan of Farage who loves Trump so I'm not sure how that works. My cleaner is American and voted Trump. They both express broad anti-immigration sentiments.

But if you give them any individual in need they would both help that person/ welcome them into their home/ feed them. My mum teaches English to refugees.

I can't figure out the inconsistencies so don't try to.

Please stop thinking all Boomers are racist twats. I can assure you we are NOT.

And if they explained why, and it turned out that their reasons were nothing but blatant racism and an utter disregard for anything other than their own perceived self interest, then what? You would "tolerate" them because you are apparently mature enough to recognise that everyone's opinions are shaped by their own unique life experience?

Or you would "influence" them? How exactly? And what would you do if you realised that your attempts to influence them weren't actually getting through?

If 50% of people in this country started voting for a new Hitler, then honestly, I wouldn't be sticking around to hear them pontificating on the reasons for their hatred and bigotry - you absolutely cannot reason with people like that. I would just be be focused on getting the hell out, and then supporting the resistance from afar.

Human decency is all about where you draw your red lines.

We did know he'd go after abortion rights. We knew from his previous term it was likely treatment of ectopic pregnancies would become illegal in some states, meaning for some pregnancy would become a death sentence.

We knew it was likely he'd reduce environmental protection and increase the risk of life altering damage to the environment in our children's life times.

We knew he'd go after the rights of non white Americans, not to the extent he has, but we knew.

We knew he'd go after affordable health care, meaning more people would die and die bankrupt.

I've never fallen out with someone over politics. My father in law voted for the BNP and he knew my thoughts on that but I could still talk to him. But when the death penalty is being considered for abortion (and by extension miscarriage), people are being disappeared including children and people are executed in the street for just videoing then red lines become important. Some debates you just can't respect the person on the other side enough to continue a relationship with them.

put aside your pride and prejudice - accept that half the population of a country aren’t awful monsters and maybe have just been influenced by media or have a reason other than flagrant bigotry… I think I have to believe that.

accept if you were born a different time, under for example GB news on a lot of time it might actually shape your worldview and that wouldn’t make you a bad person…

or maybe you are just better than them and should seek your kind and create an island where you have all the same beliefs and ostracise an exclude anyone who doesn’t agree with you - even separate families to achieve this (as they are awful people). That doesn’t sound like a dictatorship at all..

Iran is a right-wing authoritarian theocracy so their brutal treatment of protesters is no surprise at all.

We don't expect a democratic country, an ally of the UK and a fellow member of Nato to behave in this brutal and illegal way by illegally murdering US citizens in cold blood.

So he will still vote Reform even though they will make the lives of his grandchildren with SEN much worse? He actually said that he doesn't care if this happened?

I wouldn't invite him ever again. Let your husband visit him. That would be the end of my relationship with FIL.

I see that you've conveniently sidestepped my questions.

Anyway, I get it. You are happy to make excuses for people who vote for fascists because you want to believe that they are all decent people really. You're happy to carry on associating with people, no matter what horrors they may have voted for, because you think they've just been influenced by the media and their own life experience. And you wouldn't ever cut anyone off, no matter how unethically they behaved, because that would involve you deciding that you were better than them and you would never do that.

You are free to believe what you like. My own view is that democracy only stands a chance of delivering good governance if people feel at least some degree of responsibility for the choices that they make and if others are willing to take a stand against evil when it's staring them in the face.

We can agree to differ.

It really is isn't it. I would call it double standards. And sanctimonious.

I do cut off for bad behaviour.

…not for political beliefs.

it would be really inconvenient, difficult and silly to remove from my life anyone with different political viewpoints l.

I don’t want to live in a bubble where everyone has the same beliefs and experience and me- it would be life limiting and I’d never learn anything.

where do you draw the line? do you ask a potential new boss their political leanings at interview? Do you pull your kids out of school if the teacher won’t tell you who he voted for? What life sacrifices will you make in your pursuit against evil? how far does it go?

what does this responsibility for voting entail? Lots of my loved ones have regret on brexit now, not all though. There was a lot of misinformation at the time.

I’ve had many a political debate over wine and experience shows me if I show respect and listen to others views they show respect and listen to mine. Others have influenced me before so I expect sometimes I may influence others.

If I think you are presumptious, I'd be happy for you to turn your back on me.

So you would not cut anyone off for any political beliefs, no matter how morally objectionable you found them?

Perhaps you're one of those people who doesn't think that politics really matters because you don't believe it affects the lives of real people.

Or perhaps you would have limits on the political beliefs that you would accept, but Trump-style fascism hasn't crossed that limit (yet)?

Or perhaps you just don't really care about the morals of the people with whom you associate?

Each to their own, I suppose. I would personally find it hard to keep company with people who I considered to be morally reprehensible.

Yes go low contact with them.... after you've returned the financial help otherwise you'd now doubt still be at odds with your morals and principles

@thepariscrimefiles not in exact words but he said he will be voting reform as will most people he knows at the next election and DH pointed out the ways it could really harm us as a family if they were in charge. FIL shrugged and said well something needs to be done about immigration. I’m done with him to be honest but DH whilst he is furious with him holds enough hope he wouldn’t actually vote for them.

@Kingscallops we do try to avoid discussing it but he brought it up. He can absolutely vote for who he wants, it just feels shit when he will knowingly vote for a party that has the potential to really make us struggle as a family and he’s not bothered if we do struggle.

Sounds like his hatred of immigrants is stronger than any love that he might have for his family. How awful. But perhaps it is better to know how little he actually cares.

I can understand if you feel your family will suffer detriment. I doubt he is wishing that on you. I really do believe there's a moral panic about Reform. Sorry, meant Trump but my original point still stands.

This is so over the top, what happened to tolerance? You might not agree their views, but they are entitled to their own views and lived experiences. As long as they aren't forcing their views on you, I don't see the issue.

I assume you are not from the US, so difficult having a view from the outside. I have American friends, some hate him and other think what he is doing is great for USA, like the UK is very divided.

Absolutely this 100%

Do you genuinely believe that all political views should be tolerated, no matter how much harm they might do?

What about Nazism in 1930s Germany, for example? Would you have tolerated people who supported Hitler because they were "entitled to their views"? What about the supporters of apartheid in South Africa?

There is really no hope for humanity if so many people are willing to just turn a blind eye.

Those are extreme examples, I have friends/family that support different views, even my DH and I lean in slightly different directions.

The real issue today is all politicians and parties are pretty much as bad as each other...