To go LC with PILs because FIL voted for Trump?

[EachotherAndAnother]

I've been married for 18 years, two primary-aged DC. My ILs are American. They live about 20 mins drive from us (in the UK). For most of my marriage we've gotten along fine-ish, although I've often felt like they cross a lot of boundaries and have learned to be judicious about how much I open up to them. But they're hospitable and generous - have helped us financially when buying our house, help with the DC in the holidays etc.
They've occasionally made comments that have rubbed me the wrong way, but I've dismissed them as typical boomer nonsense - e.g. the idea that poor people are usually poor because they've make bad choices. They also cautioned their other son (DH's brother), who was planning to (and did) marry a Black woman, that any time a "minority" has married into the family it's ended up causing problems and division. But by and large I keep my conversations with them superficial and manage to rub along ok. The DC adore them.
But - I recently found out that FIL voted for Trump. Any time a controversial issue has come up regarding politics in the US, the conversation gets shut down very quickly, but I had my suspicions and these are now confirmed. And maybe it's ridiculous but I just can't stomach being around them anymore - I'm disgusted that he felt a man like that deserved to be elevated to the role of president and I'm furious about the havoc that is unleashing in the States and elsewhere. I don't want my daughter (in particular, but also not my son) spending time with them, I just feel like they're completely different people from me, with completely different values.
They are oblivious to how I feel and would feel blindsided if I brought it up. We would definitely not be able to have a productive conversation about it. So AIBU to just quietly stop accepting invitations, offers of help etc and gradually distance my family from theirs, or is that a massive overreaction?

I'm am no fan of reform.

But I think this is the issue. When everything attracts the 'racist' and 'bigoted' label, those labels become meaningless.

They don't carry the power they should do anymore because of overuse, and because some people are using them as shorthand for 'I don't agree with you'.

There needs to be a sensible discussion around immigration in the UK. Even those not particularly politically involved are seeing the effects of bad policies.

But a sensible conversation cannot be had, moderates are drowned out with disdain from both sides. And more and more 'normal' people are pushed in extremist directions as they feel their voices aren't being heard.

That is why Reform are doing so well. The two main parties left a vacuum for someone to ride in and say 'I'm the only one who will listen to you'.

We are headed down a dark road, and I struggle to see a way to stop it. Placards, violence and screaming insults certainly isn't going to cut it.

Confusing post. Why do you believe it's a "dark road", since you apparently believe Reform are not going to pursue any genuinely racist or bigoted policies/legislation?

I'm not sure what you found confusing, I think it was a great post.

Reform are a temporary phenomenon, they're a personality cult built around Nigel Farage, and inherently unstable. They are enjoying success right now as the only emergency stop button available to voters on migration.

Eta: I'm not sure there is any way to address the migration in line with majority will in this country that you wouldn't fine unacceptable. To be honest, as someone who wants it as close to zero as possible for now, I cant think of any acceptable ways to deal with it either. Many people just don't care though. And are completely deaf to moderate/centrist solutions after being gaslit and lied to by institutions which were supposed to be serving them. This is the dark road. It is going to require very oppressive authoritarian measures to suppress this.

It's confusing because she apparently rejects the idea that Reform will enact bigoted policies and pass racist legislation (she says "When everything attracts the 'racist' and 'bigoted' label, those labels become meaningless").

And yet she also seems to think electing Reform into government would be "heading down a dark road".

What's so dark about it, if they're not at all racist or bigoted? Is there something else about them she fears (perhaps just general incompetence)?

BTW I'm not at all opposed to more control of immigration in the UK, if it's done in a genuinely non-racist manner.

But I very much doubt that Reform are a genuinely non-racist party (and Farage is a very unsavoury chap indeed).

My in laws voted for Labour. Despite their obvious shortcomings, I managed to remain civil to them!

What does your OH think? They are his parents after all.

You cannot rip the family apart just because your FIL was nuts enough to vote for Trump.

My FIL was a racist and used to write adulatory messages to Thatcher. I just let him wash by me when he was around. My DDs saw through him and were just polite. Just go with the flow, but cut off political debate. Keep the topics as neutral as you can.

I think the issue is that the word "racist" means something different to whoever hears it, it seems like a very subjective term.

I haven't followed the poster or (her?) Posts so can't speak for her, but as someone who agreed with that particular post I feel like there is no safe route for us to go down, I can't see a future that isn't significantly worse than life as we know it today. Polarisation combined with economic pressure is about as bad as it gets. Reform definitely have no feasible ideas of how to actually govern - but then, they do deserve time. They won't get any cooperation from the existing functionaries so they will not survive as an entity. As a general movement, it is moving ever right wards just as the left are going in the opposite direction. It's not obvious to me that Reform could be much worse than what we've had for the past decade, Labour certainly haven't improved things. The problem is now, in my opinion, clearly twofold - the system is no longer fit for purpose and the UK is currently ungovernable. And I have no idea where to look for solutions.

Also @EachotherAndAnother I wonder if you then return to the them the financial contributions they made to you and your family, that would be the right thing to do if this is how you really feel

They also cautioned their other son (DH's brother), who was planning to (and did) marry a Black woman, that any time a "minority" has married into the family it's ended up causing problems and division

That's not "boomer nonsense" 🙄 that's being a racist arsehole nonsense.
You were ok with that and "let it slide" but someone voting differently to you was suddenly your cut off point?!
I can't stand Trump and think he's dangerous, but I accept that people may vote differently to me.
You don't sound healthy either.

So pay them back what they gave you

I'm not sure how you got that from my post at all if I am honest.

I mentioned nothing about Reform policies (I doubt they even know what they will be day to day, hardly organised are they?).

What I was talking about were the labels 'bigoted' and 'racist'. The power these words would once have had to stop policies like that have been diluted. People would once have reacted (rightly) with revulsion at those words, and a party that behaved that way would get nowhere near power.

But after a few crazy years of things like 'not letting men in women's sports is bigoted' and 'discussing victims of Pakistani grooming gangs is racist' these are now being ignored by an increasing number of normal people.

It is very much comparable to the boy that cried wolf.

We can all see the wolf coming. But none of the villagers are listening anymore, they have heard the word 'wolf' so many times, for things ranging from rocks to sheep, that they are now deaf to it.

I don't even think Farage is the wolf. I worry that he is the shitty precursor to something far worse.

History is the best predictor of the future.

Fair enough. But we can't really warn about the wolf if we can no longer use the word.

It's almost as if intending Reform voters are thinking: "I'll punish them for misusing those words, by voting for real racists and bigots! See how they like that for a game of soldiers!"

The money that they gave to their son?

Eh, yes? If you'll accept money it's pretty hollow to then cut contact. Am I wrong? Return their contribution as it's tainted.

Money daft on here. Blows my mind but I’m grateful I’m not as obsessed as the people in this thread who think it’s a priority.

Eh?

The amount of people on this thread whose priority is money given to their son years ago is frightening. Is that clearer?

I haven't read the thread. I think it's pertinent as many people are skeptical about the depth of the posters sentiments about this. Very clear racism was tolerated while voting for Trump is the red line... it's seems more like a performative symptom of TDS (Trump Derangement Syndrome) than sincere disgust. Would you be happy to enjoy a home paid for by the proceeds of slavery for instance? I think people are just curious how deep this feeling actually runs because it sounds like they're otherwise good grandparents

Nah. You’re all just obsessed with money.

I’ve dealt with this in my own family, unfortunately parents watch Fox News on YouTube pretty much non-stop so it’s horrific.

However, my perspective is that it isn’t so much Trump that’s the problem. It is polarisation, siloed information “bubbles”, the demonisation of the other side (by BOTH left & right - see online comments about JK Rowling as an example) that is the problem.

To solve this problem, is ALL of our responsibilities. Yes media/certain politicians are driving it, but if you make the choice to cut off your in laws because they are republicans, then all you are doing is replicating what Fox News and the trump administration are pushing for, in your own life.

The solution to polarisation is staying connected to one and other across party lines. It is finding common ground, it is looking for the good in each other! It is healthy debate on policy.

This is the only “cure” available to us. You have to keep the relationship alive, so that when they hear Trump blabbing on about the “radical left lunatics” they remember that actually, their son and DIL are left wing, but not radical and not lunatics, so perhaps Trump isn’t coming from a place of authenticity after all…

It’s not your job to change their minds on US politics, probably accept that will never happen, it’s simply to demonstrate that we are all human and have more in common than what separates us (and what media and politicians who directly benefit from sowing division, would like us to believe).

What people do with money exposes their 'revealed preferences' - it tells us far more about what people value than what they say they claim to value. It's not 'obsessing' about money to be aware of this.

Yes it is. He gave his son the money years ago. You think giving money should mean respect for life. That’s an obsession, a dangerous one for any parent to have. You can’t buy love or respect.

I completely agree. It is all of our responsibilities to stop attacking people for having different opinions. In fact, it plays directly into the hands of these corrupt, dishonest, self serving politicians (let's face it, most of them are nowadays). They want the plebs to fight like rats so they can continue to get away with murder!

He's stuffed the Supreme Court with right-wing, anti-abortion zealots plus a Justice (Brett Kavanaugh) who has been accused of sexual assault by four women (one who later withdrew her allegations). So the Supreme Court definitely reflects Trump and his 'values'.