To go LC with PILs because FIL voted for Trump?

[EachotherAndAnother]

I've been married for 18 years, two primary-aged DC. My ILs are American. They live about 20 mins drive from us (in the UK). For most of my marriage we've gotten along fine-ish, although I've often felt like they cross a lot of boundaries and have learned to be judicious about how much I open up to them. But they're hospitable and generous - have helped us financially when buying our house, help with the DC in the holidays etc.
They've occasionally made comments that have rubbed me the wrong way, but I've dismissed them as typical boomer nonsense - e.g. the idea that poor people are usually poor because they've make bad choices. They also cautioned their other son (DH's brother), who was planning to (and did) marry a Black woman, that any time a "minority" has married into the family it's ended up causing problems and division. But by and large I keep my conversations with them superficial and manage to rub along ok. The DC adore them.
But - I recently found out that FIL voted for Trump. Any time a controversial issue has come up regarding politics in the US, the conversation gets shut down very quickly, but I had my suspicions and these are now confirmed. And maybe it's ridiculous but I just can't stomach being around them anymore - I'm disgusted that he felt a man like that deserved to be elevated to the role of president and I'm furious about the havoc that is unleashing in the States and elsewhere. I don't want my daughter (in particular, but also not my son) spending time with them, I just feel like they're completely different people from me, with completely different values.
They are oblivious to how I feel and would feel blindsided if I brought it up. We would definitely not be able to have a productive conversation about it. So AIBU to just quietly stop accepting invitations, offers of help etc and gradually distance my family from theirs, or is that a massive overreaction?

Presumably they managed to raise a decent man in your husband? Surely you have enough influence over your kids to not let them be influenced by their grandparents’ politics? As a child in the sixties/seventies I heard my gran use some pretty unsavoury language about black people but I managed to not join the National Front.

Their Christian evangelist and racist views would be enough for me to go low contact without the Trump issue.

I would have an issue with them spending time around my children if they voiced these views.

Tough one op but unless he's dominating conversations then just ignore .

If he's actively not wanting to talk politics go with that
My pils are extremely narrow minded on politics think homeless people choose to be there etc but that's not why we are low contact.

I wasn't scared of my children hearing those views because we as parents have already covered homeless people and so on.
And at the end of the day I can't force my DC nor want to...what to think.

We went low contact because of their behaviours and attitudes to DH and us

I'm not a Trump supporter, but if you believe in democracy, OP, then you accept that people have the right to vote for whoever they choose. I know that I have friends who would always vote differently to me, and that's fine. I really don't understand people who say "I could never be friends with a [insert name of party] voter.
Our differences are what makes life interesting, after all!

It sounds like your FIL doesn't actually want to discuss politics op. It's ok to have a relationship with a relative where you don't. My darling grandmother voted Conservative (Margaret Thatcher) while I was a complete lefty and once said - when asked what she would change about the BBC - she.wouldnt have so many black presenters on children's tv. That was an OMG moment. I still loved her very much. She was kind and generous and supported us in our interests. She was unfailingly polite to everyone whatever their heritage. We just didn't discuss politics.

Thank you. Lots of helpful insight here - I can't reply to everyone individually.

Soke excellent points about what I'm modelling to my children about how to deal with disagreement / people who disagree with you. I hadn't considered that going LC would be adopting the same "everyone has to agree with me" approach that my ILs had with their family (and that DH so resents) rather than the more open-minded "everything is up for discussion" approach that I admire in my own parents. So it's useful to have that blindspot illuminated.

Also helpful for me to consider my own intolerance of people who believe differently to me - food for thought.

And helpful perspective about the permanence of fractured family relationships vs the temporary nature of a presidential term.

To answer a couple of points, I don't think FIL voted Republican because he disagrees with identity politics. I don't actually think that's a major issue for him. I think the Republican rhetoric around immigration, race, abortion etc aligns with his worldview. I don't know whether he is in agreement with current events, ICE etc as we don't discuss it. And while I see the benefit in not discussing it, it would help settle my discomfort if he said "this isn't what I voted for, or what I wanted".

Regarding DH's opinion, he is appalled at what is happening in America and at one point mentioned renouncing his citizenship (but quickly realised that would be a massive overreaction with no meaningful impact). He was really upset to discover his dad had voted for Trump not once but twice, but wouldn't reduce contact on that basis.

I think my difficulty is around at what point "different views" become unacceptable. If he was a Nazi sympathiser and his house was full of Nazi memorabilia, it would be an easy decision to cut contact. Or if he started saying that he thought paedophilia was acceptable. But he's far from those views and I'm not blinkered enough to suggest otherwise. But many of his views are really abhorrent to me. I struggle with knowing how and when to assert boundaries at the best of times, and I'm starting to wonder at what point would I be tipped over into "this is unacceptable to me". Perhaps this isn't it, I don't know.

Sounds more like they made a clumsy approach to their experience of culture clash, as opposed to skin colour? Parents wishing to see their child marry within their own culture is still relatively common I think (rightly or wrongly).

As for Trump, I find attitudes towards him quite fascinating. I think he's gaffe prone and incredibly arrogant, however he also has his finger on the pulse of those who voted for him.

You've said your FIL doesn't want to discuss his choices at the ballot box, which tells us he isn't of the with or against me persuasion. Thus, if you otherwise get along with him, it would seem silly to cut him out of your life.

I think LC and NC are differnt

low contact - fine - we don’t have to go out of our way to be with people we don’t like

no contact - not so good

Not being part of NF is hardly a brag is it? Most racist peope aren’t usually signed up members of extreme racist groups. I am not saying you are racist but not being part of NF doesn’t mean you weren’t negatively influenced.

I remember working with an extremely racist white Australian female who targeted various POC especially black women. From the way she treated non-white coworkers I knew she was likely racist and I had nothing to do with her.

So eventually another colleague confided in me that this woman had told her she came from a racist family. Her Greek Australian dad and his Greek immigrant parents hated Black people especially. And I thought yup that’s where it came from!

My point being is that this woman who thought she was a liberal yoga hippie and well travelled, open to new cultures etc was actually sub-consciously influenced by her racist upbringing. She couldn’t see it but I could.

I’ve seen the same as an educator, there was a mixed race boy who was being raised partly by his grandparents and he would come out with all this racist stuff that would appall his white mother (who had a lot of Black female friends and typically dated Black men)

All this outrage at Trump when innocent Iranians are being brutally murdered on the streets of Iran by the Iranian regime on a daily basis. The same people decrying Trump are seemingly silent on Iran. Why?

How do you feel about that?

That’s quite patronising in itself to say to a POC I don’t see you as X when they clearly are X. It’s almost like saying they’ve overlooking a flaw in you.

I had a mixed race friend who was racially ambiguous and she heard that a few times. She would abruptly say well I am half Black and I'm proud of that to anyone who tried that on her.

She noted the ones who said that to her usually went on to express racist views.

So that “ I don’t see you as mixed/Black” was almost like a way of them telling her she wasn’t included in the racist shit they were going on to say.

ETA,

You said you’re mixed race, I wonder do you have Black heritage because I’m baffled you’re even debating if someone who tried to stop their son from marry a black woman on account of her blackness is racist. It’s patently obvious they are .

And if you’re a POC but not of Black heritage which I am guessing is the case - that may be another reason the in laws have treated you differently from the Black daughter in law.

There is a racial hierarchy with racists and often the darker/closer to black you are the lower you are on the ladder of respect. Many right wing American racists love to marry Asian women for example. There was even an article about it someone shared on another thread recently.

Teach your DC kindness and compassion and why some people end up where they do and that moral standard will be with them..

If they are otherwise decent people then I think it's best to avoid politics and try to get along.
As for the racism, I wouldn't like that and I'd call it out when I heard it. If they treat you or anyone else in the family badly because of the colour of their skin that would be different but clumsy remarks aren't something I'd go nc over.
If you don't like them and want to go lc with them then own it and do it.
I have family members whose views I absolutely do not agree with. They know this and keep their objectional views to themselves now. I'm sure they still think the same but I won't change them and I won't be subjected to it. Other than that we rub along ok.

Not sure how often the in-laws discuss American politics with OPs kids? Most families don’t discuss politics with primary school kids, and less so foreign politics. Unless OP thinks her in-laws are going to be trying to brainwash them, which doesn’t appear to be the case here, unless a drip feed is coming, then the grandchildren don’t appear to be in danger.

Lots of families do discuss politics and current affairs with primary school kids.

But even if they don't actually discuss politics and current affairs, people with extreme views and poor morals will tend to express their beliefs and values in other ways that wouldn't be suitable to have around children, so the OP's concerns are valid.

I think many people are very sympathetic of the situation in Iran. But otherwise what can our government do to resolve the situation there other than to condemn what’s going on, which they have done. Unfortunately there are hundreds of regimes in the world who are evil and corrupt. We can’t fix them all. It would probably involve getting our military involved, and we have too much going on within Europe on our own doorsteps. The Middle East is a broken civilisation and whilst there are thousands of Iranians fighting against the regime, there’s a bigger majority there, especially amongst the older Iranians, who support the Regime.

I haven’t read the whole thread, after a while I couldn’t face it, but there’s many comments along the lines of keeping politics and relationships separate. Most of the time I’d agree but not in this scenario. It’s not just about politics, Trump and the whole MAGA movement is based in hate, fascism, cruelty, lying, fear, racism, misogyny and control, and thats before we even get started on the fact that it’s a given Trump is in the Epstein files, along with god knows how many more of his horrible republican cronies. Anyone who can watch what is happening, see the rhetoric, see the abysmal cruelty, corruption and violence and say “yeah, that’s my guy, this is all great” is not someone I’d want around my kids influencing them, however small that influence is. I’m bringing my kids up to be decent, kind human beings with respect and compassion for the planet and others, Trump/MAGA is the antithesis of this, it’s absolutely not just politics!

So no, you’re not unreasonable at all, and what this thread shows me again is that there are far too many people who won’t call out when they see something wrong, turn a blind eye so that their own lives stay comfortable. This is how bad stuff happens and escalates, it makes me sad how few people have enough bravery and integrity to stand up for what they believe.

OP I get it, I support what you’re saying, and I applaud you for having decent principles and being willing to stand up for them. Doing what is right isn’t easy, that’s why most people don’t. ❤️

It’s not enough to go no contact. In these situations, just be present, so you can police the conversations that take place. I think reading OPs posts that this goes deeper than the voting thing, and that she doesn’t like them, so this to her seems like a good opportunity to go NC. Also, account has to be taken that the children are also her DHs, so discussions need to be had before unilaterally deciding to ban the in-laws from being around their DCs.

77 Million people need to learn that politics isn't a silly little game like supporting a football team, it has real life consequences.

If you're comfortable supporting and voting for a convicted criminal and sex offender then own it and accept others will not want to associate with you.

but I've dismissed them as typical boomer nonsense - e.g. the idea that poor people are usually poor because they've make bad choices.

Have you reflected in this OP?

In the context of the ‘typical’ boomer generation and the trade union movement, the growth of the welfare state, the birth of women’s liberation, the generation that started Rock Against Racism etc etc etc?

I am a Boomer and sympathise with your difficulty with your PIL.

You can make your views known in a calm way and offer examples of critical debate to your children. “America would be a very different place if everyone was ‘sent back to where their great grandparents came from, what would be different ?“ rather than “Trump is a wanker”.

Maybe they didn't envisage just how bad he'd be. If they are otherwise good people I would not go nc because of a opposing political views.
You do not have the right to tell someone how to vote.

Limit your children’s exposure to the blatant bigotry

You mean the bigotry of refusing to speak to someone with different political opinions to you?

This is a major part of what is going wrong in modern life.

Actually, that 'bigger majority' claim is outdated. Successive waves of mass protests suggest the regime has lost the street. You can't mistake forced compliance in a dictatorship for genuine support. Iranians are dying BECAUSE the majority wants change, not because they love the regime. And calling an entire region a 'broken civilisation' is just a lazy excuse for apathy.

It's a common pattern with liberals. Their whole ethos is about equality yet bizarrely, they don't lead from the front in exercising it.

Yes it seems so. Happy to throw around personal insults when they don’t agree with someone