To go LC with PILs because FIL voted for Trump?

[EachotherAndAnother]

I've been married for 18 years, two primary-aged DC. My ILs are American. They live about 20 mins drive from us (in the UK). For most of my marriage we've gotten along fine-ish, although I've often felt like they cross a lot of boundaries and have learned to be judicious about how much I open up to them. But they're hospitable and generous - have helped us financially when buying our house, help with the DC in the holidays etc.
They've occasionally made comments that have rubbed me the wrong way, but I've dismissed them as typical boomer nonsense - e.g. the idea that poor people are usually poor because they've make bad choices. They also cautioned their other son (DH's brother), who was planning to (and did) marry a Black woman, that any time a "minority" has married into the family it's ended up causing problems and division. But by and large I keep my conversations with them superficial and manage to rub along ok. The DC adore them.
But - I recently found out that FIL voted for Trump. Any time a controversial issue has come up regarding politics in the US, the conversation gets shut down very quickly, but I had my suspicions and these are now confirmed. And maybe it's ridiculous but I just can't stomach being around them anymore - I'm disgusted that he felt a man like that deserved to be elevated to the role of president and I'm furious about the havoc that is unleashing in the States and elsewhere. I don't want my daughter (in particular, but also not my son) spending time with them, I just feel like they're completely different people from me, with completely different values.
They are oblivious to how I feel and would feel blindsided if I brought it up. We would definitely not be able to have a productive conversation about it. So AIBU to just quietly stop accepting invitations, offers of help etc and gradually distance my family from theirs, or is that a massive overreaction?

Hmm, would you have felt the same way if they’d voted for Harris- who enthusiastically supported & legitimised genocide in Gaza, & made it clear she would continue Biden’s policy of arming & funding it?

The point is that the whole US political system is an illegitimate un-democratic charade, bought and paid for, & has been since Citzens United. The Presidential candidates of both parties are monsters , because that’s what the system is designed to produce. Voters are conned into voting for them - many if not most of Trump’s voters believed they were voting for someone who would reverse the terrible economic damage done to working people by globalisation and foreign wars. Just as many if not most of Harris’s voters believed they were voting for ‘someone who cares’ and for race equality.

In both cases though they were voting for monsters. For the war and exploitation machine - just packaged differently to appeal to different tastes. Because that’s what the system is designed for.

In your position I would just avoid talking to your parents in law about politics. If you have to, ask them about what they think of a completely different perspective - suggest material that might get them thinking about history or economics or race in ways that are tangential to politics.

Yes, if they make racist remarks, say ‘I think that is very silly and unpleasant and am surprised to hear you say it because I know you are a good person.’ But assume despite this they are fundamentally decent people who for decades have been lied to and are almost certainly completely incapable of seeing through the malign shadow play that has been presented to them as ‘democracy’.

But I think also you should interrogate your own assumption that the problem is ‘just Trump’: does this assumption mean that you too, despite being well-meaning, are in fact part of the problem?

Why should someone's political persuasion-unless ultra extreme-affect their relationship their grandchildren? How old are DC? Has the grandad ever spoken to them about politics or said anything directly to them that is "Trumpist"?

I'm sure the poster cares as much as anyone else about politics, ethics and principles. What a silly thing to say! Just because not everyone has an identical opinion to your own, it doesn't follow that they don't care about these things. There are lots of different countries in the world, lots of different cultures and social norms, lots of different financial situations too.

Honestly, I think you have a rather patronising attitude to people who are really struggling financially. You seem to be seeing things purely from a middle class, British perspective. It's also patronising and a little silly to suggest that your version of morality is superior to everyone else's. Morals and ethics are very much bound by cultural context and society. Obviously, I'm not suggesting that ICE murdering and harrassing people is in any way 'moral' and I think very few would argue that, although some would seek to jusitfy it as 'for the greater good'.

I agree that the far right would be terrible. So would the far left or far anything else. Extremes tend to be awful. Unfortunately, I think we are living in a time where we will see some more 'extreme' political ideas, probably on both sides, a lot more chaos, a lot more violence, probably v serious wars and a continued increase in authoritarian government. Have a look at 'The Fourth Turning' if you are interested.

If you read my posts, I'm not happy accepting their money and childcare. But I'm also not in a position to make those decisions unilaterally.
So if I need childcare, e.g. if DH is away with work as he often is, I will pay for wraparound care through the school, or arrange reciprocal playdates with another school parent to cover DH's usual drop-offs and pick-ups.
But if he has e.g. a last-minute meeting scheduled at the time he needs to be doing the pick-up, he will usually ask his parents to help.
We do not use them for childcare so that we can go out together, have a break, get a haircut, run errands, do DIY or any of the other myriad reasons people sometimes ask grandparents to step in.
They kindly gave us some money years ago, before they became more extreme in their views. I had no way of anticipating at that time how their views would change. I would not accept money from them now.

A lot depends on how your FIL feels about current developments. Is he happy with Trump trying to do a land grab on Greenland, and with him condoning murders in Minneapolis? If he voted Trump and now regretted it, that would obviously be easier to stomach.

Totally agree with this . 👆

YANBU. You can go LC for any reason, IMO.

I take the point about me living in a bit of a left-wing echo chamber - I probably do, and I'm conscious that the media I consume has its own biases. But I also follow (wisely or unwisely, I'm not sure) Trump et al's own SM, and if you really believe in all human life having value, or that male/ female/ black/ white all deserve equitable treatment, if you dont subscribe to the view that women are chattel for men's enjoyment, then their own words would condemn them even if MSM was silent.
Take this recent post from the official Department of Homeland Security account. 100 million isn't the number of illegal immigrants in the US; it's the non-white population. That's not left-wing spin - it's the government itself openly admitting to wanting a white-only state.

And when Reform enact bigoted policies and pass racist legislation, people like you will still deny that there's anything at all bigoted or racist about them.

After WW2, and even after the Nuremberg trials, many right-wing Germans still claimed to be completely puzzled as to why the Nazis were viewed as extreme, immoral or unacceptable.

That post form D of HS is clearly gaslighting BS but it doesn't follow that your FIL (or MIL) agree with it, Trump's policy on immigration, the behaviour of ICE or any of the other policies. Have you actually discussed any of this with him?

I actually think you're the one being patronising. You're making all sorts of assumptions about me living in some sort of imaginary middle class British bubble, when you actually know fuck all about me, my background or my life experience. You're explaining that morals and ethics are bound up in culture without any knowledge at all of what sort of exposure I may or may not have had to different cultures or viewpoints. And you're lecturing me on thinking that my version of morality is superior simply because I am failing to fully comply with your version of what tolerance should look like.

And here's the thing... unless we go down the route of absolute moral relativism in which there is no such thing as right or wrong at all, then we all presumably think that our own version of morality is aligned with what's "right". Even if that particular version of "morality" includes a belief that we shouldn't judge anyone for voting for a fascist because we might not understand the motivations or the unique life experience that may have led them to making that choice.

As you have acknowledged in your post, most people would agree that murder is wrong. However, some people might believe that ICE executing people in the streets can somehow be justified "for the greater good". I guess that some Nazis felt the same way about the Holocaust. Personally, I don't believe that this is a morally defensible point of view, and I don't believe that all views deserve to be equally tolerated. If saying that makes me silly and patronising, then so be it.

Ultimately, I'm entitled to my moral beliefs, and you are entitled to yours. And yes, the Trump supporters are entitled to theirs too. Nobody is arguing otherwise. I'm not seeking to silence anyone or take away their right to vote.

I am merely asserting my right - and by extension, the OP's right - to make independent judgements about what I consider to be morally tolerable, and independent choices about who I may or may not want to associate with, based on my assessment of the extent to which other people's values are compatible with my own. If you choose to make different choices, that's entirely your prerogative.

Only if you also return the money they gave you towards your house purchase. I don’t think you can have it both ways. If they’re such undesirable characters that you need to deprive your children of a relationship with their grandparents then you can’t in good conscience benefit financially from them.

The money was before she knew what they were like, and were for their son, as well as for their grandchildren. You are being extremely unreasonable expecting her to give that back.

What makes you think they are going to offer you more money.

Oh get a grip and get over yourself.

Have a lie down dear .

Some of my very best friends voted for Trump. They are all lovely people with great morals and strong family values. They are all very community minded and volunteer a lot, just as my friends who (like me) are very anti Trump do. Some of them now regret it and some don't but are just as uncomfortable with what's happening in this country right now as the rest of us. I just don't think me ditching them as friends is doing anything to help unite us. In fact, quite the opposite.

It's none of your business how someone votes.

So these people helped you buy the house that shelters your children and also help with childcare saving you a small fortune yet you think it’s acceptable to stop contact simply over a voting difference?

I would appreciate if they were violent, abusive, alcoholic etc but you have said yourself they are nice people, you just have different opinions and that’s what you should be teaching your kids.

will you stop contact with your own kids when they grow up and eventually have a difference of opinion to you?

It depends on what you deem to be racist. For example you may consider it racist for a government to try and restrict the number of economic migrants coming to the UK via "small boats", typically young men (rarely women) from countries who have very poor records on treatment of women, and there'll be many (pearl clutchers) who think we should be letting them all in. Equally there'll be others who have compassion for genuine asylum seekers going about it via the correct channels, but are less sympathetic of these young male economic migrants: racist or realist? I'd argue the latter but you and others may believe the former to be true.

If he still supports Trump, Yanbu.

It's really not "just politics." The man is a fascist. Would you have gone low contact with someone who supported Hitler?

Will your disgust at your FIL’s political views extend to making sure any inheritance your husband may receive from him in the future does not benefit you at all?

I said all of the media tends to present things according to their own narrative, and viewers silo themselves, and this accounts in many cases for differernt views. That's hardly a conspiracy theory. Nor is it a conspiracy to say the mainstream media in the UK, the BBC, has done this, there were high level resignations over it and it was a major political scandal.

You on the other hand seem to think I have some kind of "agenda" which does sound rather like a conspiracy theory.

I can see where you are coming from. Indeed, my response was broadly similar in Trump's first term. I was gobsmacked that anyone might vote for him, amazed that people couldn't see through him, the same as my reaction to BJ in the UK. Having thought about it a lot more and listened to a lot more people who did vote for him, I realise that it's so much more nuanced.
Of course everyone is entitled to their own moral beliefs and your responses as a result. I just think it is really rather foolish to write off half the US population or 27% (is that what Reform is polling at currently?) purely because of their voting preference without even speaking to them first to find out why they made their choice. In terms of tolerance, I think I've become less judgemental and more tolerant of certain things with age and experience. I know that this doesn't apply to everyone else. In the UK, it quite often seems to be the opposite!

Why are people on here so obsessed with money?