Elder daughter father giving rules about my younger kids

[Dazedandconfusec]

My elder daughter is 12 and Grade 5 piano and flute and began guitar in an afterschool club at school last year. She gave up violin when the teacher moved house but still has two violins which she occasionally gets out.

My ex has facilitated her music and has bought all of the instruments and paid for lessons but I obviously had to facilitate the lessons for flute; the piano teacher comes to the house.

My younger daughter elder daughter’s half sister, has now started piano at school. Elder daughter has locked piano as her dad has instructed that my younger children cannot use the piano or have use of the other instruments.

There’s no universal rule that pianos ‘should’ be played by everyone.

This piano IS reserved for one person’s use.

Exactly. If we must do comparisons, I’d say it’s the equivalent of buying myself a sofa and then insisting that no other members of the household or visitors ever sit on it.

Says who? The Ex has no jurisdiction in the OP’s house. The elder dd is just a child. As it belongs to the ex he has every right to take it away, but he can’t dictate who plays it.

I agree, a digital piano with proper weighted and touch sensitive keys is a must unless just playing pop music etc. I wouldnt pmay classical music on a keyboard! Digital pianos are really portable now, we got one for my son as he is a professional musician and he uses a portable stand instead of fixed so can be stored in a smaller space if need be.

I think that's different. My schoolfriend's father had a grand that they could take lessons and practice on but never, ever mess around with. Seems reasonable.

Im not a massive fan of the transportable digital pianos that come on stands. They feel a bit rickety to me, and the pedals are very different. Great for traveling with of course, but I wouldn’t want it to be the only thing I practice on.

If the younger dd in question is old enough to start lessons, then we can assume that she is not a toddler who is going to be bashing it around. Does your son have any younger siblings who play piano? If he did would you have a separate piano for them?

But strangely the OP does?

Tell him to move it to his house and buy one yourself for your kids. It’s extremely selfish though.

OP was just talking about a keyboard for the younger DD, no? (Which I still think is a bad idea personally).

He has jurisdiction over his own belongings, and the piano is his.

The piano isn’t at OP’s house for his benefit or hers, they agreed this so it would be available to their daughter. It was never there to be a communal instrument, which OP knew. It’s been there years without it being treated as if it were. OP also knows that her daughter doesn’t want to share it, and doesn’t have to. The elder DD is a child, sure, but at 12 she isn’t without autonomy.

OP doesn’t want it removed because it would mean her daughter would spend more time at her father’s house/with her father, hence why she’s reintroduced the ‘eldest daughter only’ rule.

That’s completely bonkers. It’s not as if she’s an infant prodigy with a Steinway!

No she doesn’t. She’s talked about getting a keyboard for the younger dd to learn on, not a digital piano. The OP won’t be getting a proper digital piano for the younger dd while the elder dd still has her piano, for the same reasons that she won’t get a second acoustic piano.

He has the authority to reclaim the piano but not to dictate its use in the OP’s house. I believe the OP has said this is a baby grand so taking up a huge amount of space. Ridiculous snd petty to try and stop anyone else from using it - he must realise this puts OP in an impossible position because very few people live in a house where multiple pianos can be accommodated.

Yes , the user name says it all !

Brutally, your daughter is grade 5 at age 12 - playing a good upright or digital piano is going to make zero difference to her progress or future musical career Some digitals can even recreate full size grand sound and touch.

You say your DH is not abusive or coercive - well its pretty manipulative to expect you to host a large instrument and dictate not only what you have to house but also how it is to be used. Bearing in mind you are providing the bulk of parenting because it suits him.

Pianos are not like small instruments, they take up space and need to be shared. All young piano players in families learn this and your DD needs to learn this as well - some things have to be shared. I would not be happy if my eldest was being encouraged to behave in this selfish way - its unfair on her as well as the siblings. Its nonsense to suggest that a learner on lower grades can “damage” a piano by playing it. What other nonsense is DH filling her head with about her siblings (bearing in mind he doesn’t think they should exist)?

As for the Disney dad problem with DD - yes it can be a problem but most children grow up to be adults and can look back and recognise which parent was there for the hard yards and which thought the cheque book was their primary input.

What is it about men who are “too busy” to fully share parenting that they think its ok to dictate their ex wives’ family lives and other children.

As someone who knows next to nothing about pianos, I can't understand why the ex has an issue with the other child playing it? Is there some sort of damage that could be done? I thought it was fine for them to be played regularly.

If it's not about anything happening to the piano then it seems ridiculous to be insisting it sits there locked rather than someone getting enjoyment out of playing it. It wouldn't have any negative impact on the older daughter or the ex-husband.

Op does not own the piano or any of the other instruments. They belong solely to her eldest child. Period. OP doesn't get a say in who can use them.

That would be so illegal. That would be property damage, and not only would the op be responsible for its repair, the locksmith would get in trouble for opening a lock on something for someone other than the owner.

So best to just buy a key on ebay. You're welcome.

Then the OP needs to stop pandering to her eldest and get a family piano and this piano can move to her dads house .

She doesn't want that because it would mean more time with her father:

He sees her often, they have a good and close relationship but and I have to confess I am delighted, that he can’t have her 50:50 as I want her with me.

Any attempt to move it is less about disadvantaging the daughter and more about ensuring that she gets the lion share of the time with her, regardless of the cost to her daughters mental health. Maybe one day her daughter will stop being so 'precious' and stop disappointing her.🙄

She doesn't want the Daughter going to the Ex's house so she won't move it there. It's easier to blame her Ex for being controlling. The OP is possessive about time with her daughter. Maybe the piano was put in the house because of this possessiveness and that was the compromise, no piano or a piano at the OP's house.

Secondly the daughter has been damaged by the blending, enough to affect her schooling. Given that, taking something that was purchased exclusively for her, and that will have sentimental value, and saying she must share with children who are not related her father will be damaging. The location of the gift is likely of the OPs doing, her lack of planning is not her daughters mess to fix.

As the OP said:
He sees her often, they have a good and close relationship but and I have to confess I am delighted, that he can’t have her 50:50 as I want her with me.

I don't think it matters about musical experience. It matters that this a blended family so some items in the house were purchased by a non resident parent who does not owe the other children anything, even access to gift acquired for his daughter. In a blended family a gift form a non resident parent is not just a gift.

Sadly the OP's daughter has clearly lucked out in the lottery of blended family resident parents.

He can dictate that either OP accepts the rules in place, or he remove the piano. She has decided on the former.

Her husband’s solution was to get another piano for their children, so clearly that is something that can be accommodated.

No matter what, her eldest will always have more than her youngest by virtue of her being the only one with a wealthy parent. She may already go to private school when they go to state. She may have university paid for outright while her siblings rely on loans. She may get driving lessons and new car, or be given/bought a property. That’s just the reality of the situation, and not something OP can either hide from them or change.

Yes, the OP is clearly a doormat as I said before. She claimed earlier that her ex wasn’t controlling or coercive when they were together, but I wonder.

The OP said she didn’t want her front room turned into a music shop - ie there would be two pianos in one of there general living spaces, which most people would agree is ludicrous. Ironically she also said that she didn’t want there to be a division - but then is planning to buy her you ger daughter a crappy keyboard to learn on! If trying to learn on a keyboard doesn’t put younger dd off for life and she actually manages to move through the grades, what is OP going to do then? She’ll still have the same 2 piano problem.

The rest of it is irrelevant. This thread isn’t about one dd having more than the others because of a different dad. This is about the ex expecting unreasonable accommodations from the OP. Like paying for private school but expecting OP to drive a 60min school run in the opposite direction from work to get there. Or buying her a car and expecting OP to park her own on the road to accommodate it on the driveway.