Elder daughter father giving rules about my younger kids

[Dazedandconfusec]

My elder daughter is 12 and Grade 5 piano and flute and began guitar in an afterschool club at school last year. She gave up violin when the teacher moved house but still has two violins which she occasionally gets out.

My ex has facilitated her music and has bought all of the instruments and paid for lessons but I obviously had to facilitate the lessons for flute; the piano teacher comes to the house.

My younger daughter elder daughter’s half sister, has now started piano at school. Elder daughter has locked piano as her dad has instructed that my younger children cannot use the piano or have use of the other instruments.

If you make them all older and this were a car, I don't think posters would be so quick to declare everything is to be shared. The piano was bought by the father when no one else but his daughter was playing the piano. She has been playing the piano for a while and she has probably gone through upgrades over the years, with her skills improving and sustained interest and effort. Now one of the younger sisters wants to start playing, at absolute beginners level, she gets access to the expensive piano that DD1 considers a prized possession? I think OP is absolutely right in buying a small keyboard (or a digital piano, as suggested by another poster) whilst the sibling learns the basics and figures out if she's really interested in the instrument. There was a music teacher earlier in the thread that suggested this was the best approach and gave her personal experience with this, which was to upgrade as you learn.

Going back to the car example, if DD1 had finally got a fancy expensive car after years with a second hand one whilst learning, would you think it would be ok to ask her to share it with the sibling for lessons and practice? I would think the sensible thing would be to get a cheap second hand car, one of those with lots of scratches and with a couple of years left, until passing the test and proving they are an ok driver. Change piano/car for other expensive "upgradable" items such as a special top-end graphics PC/tablet for drawing and design or other piece of technology. I cannot believe you would all just share the most expensive and prized possessions around, specially if they were a gift and tailored to you and you hobby or skill. At least not without knowing they will look after it and can be trusted to do so, which tends to be after learning, training and showing care for cheaper versions/under supervision.

PPs saying this makes DD1 special and whatnot, I think sharing the piano would make DD2(?) special because she wouldn't need to learn first, upgrade second, and she would be effectively taking something that was a present for DD1 and that she treasures.

How is that fair to put the eldest in that position? It's controlling behaviour that makes the eldest look entitled and the mother look weak. Take those blinkers off ffs!

@JediNinja I don’t think a car is the same at all , for one it isn’t sitting taking up room in a house and secondly there is the insurance issue .

While I'm obviously late to the party on this OP, I honestly think you're being a bit wet!

The piano may have been bought for your eldest daughter's use, but it's in YOUR house. Your daughter is 12, and not old enough to dictate what furniture is in YOUR house, and your Ex has no right to instruct anyone to do anything in YOUR house. So tell them both that the piano while it remains in YOUR house, will be used by anyone who lives in there, and while it does belong to your daughter, she must share it, in the same way that you would expect her to share other things. Maybe put the following question to her: 'If I were to buy an even better piano for your younger sibling, because you won't allow them to play on this one, how would you feel if you weren't allowed to play on it?'

To buy the younger children a lesser instrument seems unfair, so make a stand on this, it is not for your ex or your daughter to dictate what happens in this instance.

Maybe you should consider it in a different way? If for example your ex decided to buy your eldest daughter a dog of her own, would you be willing to do as he dictates when he tells her that she mustn't allow her siblings to play with the dog, or stroke it, or walk it, when the likelihood would be that YOU would be the one who would end up having to walk it, take it to the vets, and feed it. Of course you wouldn't! You'd say, if it's to live with us, then it's a family pet, and everyone will be allowed to make a fuss of it, and help take care of it.

Allowing either of them to dictate what goes on in the house that you also share with your new partner is ridiculous in my opinion, and is encouraging your eldest to behave like a spoilt brat.

But it has to be done because her father cannot control himself when it comes to every tasty morsel of information.
I presume this thing about locking the piano was a way to control the exw, dd and family and sow seeds of conflict because he heard that his DD’s sibling was taking piano lessons

It might be hard for her to do but if she starts to monitor what she lets slip and then sees his responses it might just show the dd what everyone else can already see. That her father is more interested in controlling her mother and her new family than he is of his dd

But no one has suggested the younger children have 'free rein' on the nice piano, just that the other child who is learning piano can use it to practice - which could be supervised.

Almost certainly there is an element of DD not wanting to share, the OP said so. But she has two other musical instruments that her father bought specially for her and she doesn't have to share those. If she's stopped playing them it would be sensible to let the others use them, but I can understand why the OP would not insist. But the piano is different. A piano is normally shared. He's trying to make the whole family to bend to his (and possibly DD's) whims. He is not doing his daughter any favours by bringing out the worst in her.

As for the car example, before the OP agreed there would have been a discussion about who was allowed to use it and where it could be parked. Most parents would not agree to host a very smart expensive new car that only one child can drive leaving no room for the family car.

If the ex had said "I want to give DD a piano and I don't want anyone else to play it" then I don't suppose the OP would ever have agreed to install it in her living room. For DD's own sake as much as any other reason.

It's still "her" piano in the sense that when she moves out she can take it with her.

Sorry but the piano was purchased by her father, not the step father and mother. It's only in a communal area because it physically can't go in her bedroom. It doesn't make it communal property just because it's in the living room. It should go back to the dad's house and op buys a different one but reading the thread, this isn't an option for her.

Agreed. A piano is nothing like a car.

Pianos are shared instruments even at the highest professional level.

I think people simply don't understand this! They are drawing false equivalence with a variety of inappropriate items. It's a piano. It's for playing. It should never be reserved for one person's use.

The lack of compassion for a twelve year old and her mental health here is quite staggering.

Blended families do come with different dynamics. That doesn't change the rules around ownership and boundaries. Gifts bought by a third party, especially a non-resident parent, don’t become community property just because they’re big or sit in a shared space.

What blows my mind is that the OP agreed to the piano being there while clearly knowing that at some point the younger children might want to learn. Maybe she thought it would be convenient for everyone. Free piano for the other children? Maybe she just didn’t think it through. Either way, this is a failure to plan issue on the OP’s part that she is trying to dump on her Ex and daughter.

Ironically that’s the thing that damages children in blended families time and time again.

She can’t undo the damage already done, but she should be trying to learn from it. The 'one big happy family' she wants isn’t going to happen just because she wants it. Blended families work when there’s a balance between what’s reasonable and what’s fair. Right now that balance is being tipped, and it’s her daughter who will shape her views around that. By the OP not managing expectation to the use items owned by other peoples/siblings she will be potentially damaging the relationship between the siblings.

And if the daughter doesn’t want to share, she shouldn’t be shamed into it. Respecting boundaries isn’t unkind. Forcing sharing doesn’t build one big happy family, it builds resentment.

And I’d say emotionally abusive and likely to fracture their relationship long term. Especially as it an attempt to manipulate her because she is being protective of her things.

@NorthXNorthWest

I understand that there were people on here with no musical experience at all.
But I don’t know how many times it needs explaining that pianos are communal instruments.

OP has clearly stated that this issue has only arisen as if this issue since her other child wanted to learn to play.

Boundaries cut both ways. OP needs to set her boundaries very firmly with the ex and the daughter. It is not a reasonable expectation to put a piano in somebody else’s house and expect that no one else can touch it. OP may not have agreed if she’d known those were the terms. Equally DD needs to learn to share. Trying to carve out a fence around a large object in somebody’s else is home is not reasonable.

If those are the terms he needs to take the piano.

DH is right they just need to buy a new one. Altho it’s likely ex would cave if OP stood up to him. It would cost money to move and where would he store it? He won’t want to upset his dad either.

Pianos are shared, ask a musk. Ask a concert pianist. They don’t arrive at the recital venue with their own piano.

exDh hasn’t insisted the piano stay at hers. He has a home it could go to and DD could practice there. OP doesn’t want that.

The piano would be unlocked and your eldest DD would be told to leave it that way.

Your EX would be told to stay the fuck out of what goes on in your house. If he isn't happy with that he can come and pick up his instruments.

This^^

He is annoyed and has expressed this when we meet once a year that my having further children has compromised our daughter’s life.

I'm assuming that when the two of you were together he made it clear that he only wanted one child, and that's fine. But I don't think it's really a standard opinion that multiple children lead to lower quality of life for the eldest; perhaps from your daughter's perspective she also GAINS something from having siblings? In any case, your ex cannot control whether or not you have children with someone else once the two of you are no longer together. If he thinks that your daughter is not being properly cared for at your house he can take that to the courts and seek custody (which he won't because he isn't willing to do his share even now). And just as it would not be appropriate for one of you to badmouth the other to your daughter, it is also not acceptable for him to be giving her the idea that her siblings are a burden to her or should not be in her life.

Has he told you what harm he thinks will be done if the other child uses the piano? Perhaps there are ways that his concerns can be alleviated or some compromise can be made. If his reasons aren't sound, I'd tell him the piano will be open in a common area and if he cannot handle that he will need to take it to his place and make time for her to practice there.

You can’t learn to play piano on a keyboard.

Pianos are like furniture, they don’t get kept for a single person’s use. You say to your ex that the piano stays unlocked for general use, and if that’s a problem he can have it removed to his house (at his expense of course). In the unlikely event that he actually does take it, a decent acoustic upright is not expensive to buy, plus then there will be a piano at her dad’s house for your DD to practice on when she is there (if there isn’t one already). At grade 5 I promise you she isn’t going to notice if it’s not a Steinway or whatever (unless you / her teacher makes a big deal out of it).

You could make the concession that your elder DD’s practice sessions will take precedence over the younger beginner.

Edit - I see from your update that you are going to allow your ex to dictate to you how you run things in your own house. What a doormat.

My husband is very musical, though he was not a musician. We used to have a baby grand which he loved to play but now we live in a flat so there is no room and he's pretty happy to have a keyboard instead. I would have thought that this would be a great solution,

I'm assuming that when the two of you were together he made it clear that he only wanted one child, and that's fine. But I don't think it's really a standard opinion that multiple children lead to lower quality of life for the eldest;

OP has admitted that her eldest fell 2 years behind in her schooling because OP was distracted.

So remarriage and having a second family has had a visible negative effect on the eldest. Now, there were plans to take a very expensive gift to eldest and turn it into communal family property. One of the biggest problems with siblings is helping themselves to their siblings' things and that comes from a place of entitlement. It would show eldest that she can't have things of her own at mom's house and that it's ok for her siblings to violate her boundaries. Those are more big negative effects and that's why the dad has stepped in to take the heat for the decision to lock the piano.

I agree with all of this.

Tell him to come and collect it immediately. What a git.

I’d be very surprised to hear that any pianist would be happy to play on a keyboard. Unless you actually mean decent electric piano. And if that’s the case, it will probably cost more than an acoustic, and take up nearly as much space, so I wouldn’t have thought it would be a good solution for the OP.