Elder daughter father giving rules about my younger kids

[Dazedandconfusec]

My elder daughter is 12 and Grade 5 piano and flute and began guitar in an afterschool club at school last year. She gave up violin when the teacher moved house but still has two violins which she occasionally gets out.

My ex has facilitated her music and has bought all of the instruments and paid for lessons but I obviously had to facilitate the lessons for flute; the piano teacher comes to the house.

My younger daughter elder daughter’s half sister, has now started piano at school. Elder daughter has locked piano as her dad has instructed that my younger children cannot use the piano or have use of the other instruments.

I think most people would either respect the wishes of the person that owned the item, or decide not to have it in their house. A piano can be personal property regardless of the size. I said earlier in the thread that my mother had and has her own piano that was/is for her alone - it really wasn’t/isn’t a difficult concept to struggle with.

It would OP could do something different if the situation were different. It isn’t though. OP has said she and her ex chose together to facilitate their joint child having a piano to use at OP’s. She didn’t say that he gave the piano to either or her daughter, or that she was ever under the impression that it was to be used communally.

As far as aims go - well, that depends very much on 1, the blended family, and 2, what is realistic in a specific situation.

Realistically grade 5 at 12 she’s not destined for a career as a musician, as I said. There’s a lot of enjoyment to be had from amateur music nonetheless.

From that perspective it doesn’t matter terribly whether she plays a baby grand or a good upright. It’s certainly worth starting the younger one on a proper piano not a keyboard.

But honestly, if you call ex’s bluff and ask him to pick the piano up my betting is that he will back down and then everyone can enjoy it.

If there is another good piano owned by the ex in one of his multiple houses then this really just sounds petty. What damage does he think is going to be done by a younger one playing it for 15 minutes a day?

This with the added layer of being the oldest and it being a nice thing, as well falling behind in her learning due to Ops distraction (op has said this herself) so feeling anxious about practicing etc.

most older siblings don’t want their precious things being used by the younger ones. Let alone when you’re the odd one out in the house.

it’s all to easy to jump to her being mean and selfish or Ex being controlling. When he could just be advocating feeling she has expressed.

Yep, calling his bluff may work. He doesn’t want yet another piano cluttering up his house … and pretty much no one wants a baby grand or grand.

Is there an element of older daughter not wanting to share?
Maybe it is special to her that her father bought it for her and she doesn’t want to share it.
Although initially I thought how ridiculous, actually I think it might be fair for her to have sole use of it - it is hers and it’s hard being a child with split parents.

What the hell. Are there honestly people who are this petty-minded ? Glad you aren't with him anymore OP.

I dont believe I swore.

I don’t know how happy my son would be to share his piano, he’s 17 now, we got him a significant upgrade of a piano when he passed grade 8. He’s teaching my 7 year old nephew on it twice a week with no issues, but honestly I don’t think he’d be happy for young children to have free rein on it without supervision.

I think asking a twelve year old to censor herself to a level, where she can never, ever mention her mum, home or siblings in any context while in conversation with her father would be anxiety inducing.

It's very unkind of your ex to not let your children use the piano, what does he think they'll do to it?! The older one should get priority when she wants to practice but otherwise its just sitting there which is stupid, of course the younger ones should be allowed to play it. They could do duets if the younger ones get good enough.

Sent from the sofa next to my precious baby grand piano

Good grief. My mother was a classical musician, we all played her Steinway from the age of 3 when we started lessons. Pianos are meant to be played and enjoyed.

Even the worlds’ top pianists in the world play concert hall pianos, they don’t take their own (with some notable exceptions).

That's pathetic.

Of course it would. That's bonkers.

Does that If the person that owns a piano chooses to allow others to use it then of course that’s fine. Equally, if the person that owns it doesn’t want other people to use it, that too is fine.

People get to decide for themselves what to do with their own property.

He gifted those instruments to your daughter so they belong to her and she should be able to do what she wants with them.

I would tell him it hurts the other kids' feelings so either he backs off or he can have all the instruments back, and I will get the children new ones they all have equal access to.

Ridiculous.

Right. If you don’t want people to touch it then don’t leave it in someone else’s house.

Some people don't care what damage is caused to the child as long as they can can inflict some sort of revenge. The daughter does not want to share and has likely told her father, who is advocating for his child.

Thats very petty. I would get the piano dropped off at he's house and buy a family one for everyone to use.

Or perhaps those other people can refrain from using it. Given that the piano has been there for years now and this has only recently become an issue, it seems they are in fact quite capable of leaving it alone.

He allowed it to be kept at OP’s for their daughter’s benefit, and OP agreed to have it there for the same reason. She’s no more doing him in a favor than he is doing her one. OP knew it wasn’t there to be used by anyone else, and it doesn’t sound like she had any issue with it not being communal property until her younger daughter started having lessons.

@InterIgnis of course it wasn’t an issue until someone else started learning the piano , what else would you do with a piano .

They weren’t learning the piano until recently this is not rocket science.

You mean the child who is doing as her father (who bought it) has told her? How is it her fault?

Does a family piano only become a family piano when each member begins formal instruction then? The point is that the younger can indeed grasp the concept of it not being a ‘family’ instrument.

That she is now learning piano does not mean that piano suddenly became available for her to use.

They know it’s not theirs to play, whether they’re taking lessons or not.

The piano is there to be played, of course. By the eldest daughter.