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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

aibu to say no?

104 replies

mycathasfangs · 23/01/2026 20:04

I feel horrible saying no but I have heard so much about people doing this and it all goes wrong, I'm trying to find a way that is right for everyone and not just one person..

30 year old heroin addicted family member keeps asking to move in with me for 'a few days' to 'get off the heroin' I am being pressured by family to help him, being told things like 'families help each other out at times like this, it's on us not other people'

I brought up the fact I live alone and if he is withdrawing then I probably won't feel safe and also scared I will wake up to my tv and phone gone etc, I then get told (this is true but doesn't mean he won't when desperate..) that he has never stolen anything so why would he from me etc. He doesn't have to steal because he constantly gets money from family because we can't just 'abandon him' I say he needs to hit rock botton but get told I don't know what i'm talking about.

He's been on it for three years. sold every item in his flat to buy that shit.

He says he wants to come off it, yet is still buying and using. He gets methadrone and sells it to buy more heroin, He is involved with people I wouldn't want around me.

can people with experience please tell me how it is in reality? anyone actually had someone coming off drugs live with them? or anyone lived with an addict can you tell me how it really is? I will probably show this to my family if I get any replies.

OP posts:
Gahr · 23/01/2026 20:07

YANBU. Absolutely not. They have no right whatsoever to put you in this position. I know it's a lot easier said than done, but you have to stand firm and refuse. I presume this relative is your brother and it is your parents who are pressuring you, which does make it hard, but you still have to refuse. Even if it means going NC with them all for a while.

mumofoneAloneandwell · 23/01/2026 20:08

omg girl of course yanbu!! Change your locks and get a ring doorbell as well xx

Lopteluga · 23/01/2026 20:10

You’re definitely not being unreasonable. Do not let him move in with you.

JoshLymanSwagger · 23/01/2026 20:10

Don't let him in.

Why can't one of the other family members, who are pressuring you, help him?

Ilovenutellaaaaa · 23/01/2026 20:10

Ask the ones pressuring you if they are so worried about the family member and so convinced that it's safe to have them there and that they won't sell household possessions for drugs then why don't they have the person living at their house?

marriednotdead · 23/01/2026 20:10

I have no direct experience with your situation but I have extended family who have.
They tried to help but many things were stolen from their home to fund the addiction.
Absolutely do not trust that they won’t do this. It’s interesting that everyone wants YOU to accommodate them whilst ignoring your very real and valid viewpoint.
It would be a hard no from me, don’t give in to the pressure.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 23/01/2026 20:10

You are being entirely reasonable to say No, @mycathasfangs. Are the people who are hounding you going to offer to house your brother whilst he goes cold turkey? I bet they aren’t!.

You should not be setting yourself on fire, to keep him warm, and the relatives who are badgering you need to wind their necks in.

Hohofortherobbers · 23/01/2026 20:11

He needs professional help

CalmShaker · 23/01/2026 20:11

What kind of family member are we talking here, because if it's your dad I would let him in if I'm honest

yeesh · 23/01/2026 20:11

Why don’t they let him stay with them if they think it’s so necessary! Coming off such heavy drugs can be really dangerous and needs proper supervision and support.

IndigoBluey · 23/01/2026 20:12

absolutely no way. This will cause you a great deal of stress, it’s in no way fair for you to have to deal with his situation, unfortunately as it is, it’s simply not your problem. I’d also be concerned about the company he keeps and those people who might come knocking for any drug debt. You just protect yourself and put up boundaries. He isn’t going to manage to get clean just with a change of roof over his head. Suggest to the family he goes into a rehab programme

momager22 · 23/01/2026 20:13

jesus Christ no, he needs professional help and you’re not a professional.
Don’t put yourself in that situation.

Blueuggboots · 23/01/2026 20:13

Absolutely do not do it!!! Let those shouting about it help him.

EvangelineTheNightStar · 23/01/2026 20:13

mumofoneAloneandwell · 23/01/2026 20:08

omg girl of course yanbu!! Change your locks and get a ring doorbell as well xx

This, also don’t accept any pop in visits from
the guilt tripping family, as they’ll probably bring him and leave him!

ThejoyofNC · 23/01/2026 20:13

No way. Not a chance. No no no 100000x no.

Hatty65 · 23/01/2026 20:13

People don't get off heroin 'in a few days'. It will turn into weeks/months/years with a drug addict who is just looking for free accommodation so they can spend their money (and probably yours) on more drugs.

If they genuinely want to get off heroin they need professional help.

mycathasfangs · 23/01/2026 20:14

forgot to mention he says he needs to move in with me because he would need someone around him as he comes off it and can't do it alone in his flat. the only other family members i have left are in their 70s which is why it's falling on me..

OP posts:
ElsieJay · 23/01/2026 20:14

Absolutely NO !

Gingernaut · 23/01/2026 20:15

Your family are enablers - keeping him in the life

Without paying for rent,/mortgage/council tax/bills etc, he probably thinks he can spend even more money on smack

You are absolutely correct. Keep saying no

AcquadiP · 23/01/2026 20:16

YANBU. People don't kick a serious addiction of 3 years' standing in "a few days." He needs professional help and support not a brief stay with a well-meaning family member. Talking of which, why are you the one being pressured? Let one of the others take him in. It would be a firm "no" from me.

Benjaminbraddock · 23/01/2026 20:16

I’ve always given people a home when they didn’t have one and people made me feel it was my responsibility and as a good empathetic socialist I did it because of my social conscience, I the space etc.

every single time I have done it I’ve been ripped off, used for labour, emotional support, had my hospitality abused in just about every way possible and I will never do it again.

protect yourself and your space. Addiction is complex as you no doubt know. Anyone withdrawing from any substance has the potential to be physically unwell, to be unpredictable, prone to mood swings or desperate behaviour etc, it is too much to ask of someone.
rehab centres exist for a reason, they’re not in someone’s home.
no GP or legitimate drugs worker would condone this abuse of your hospitality and kindness

EvangelineTheNightStar · 23/01/2026 20:16

He can then get in touch with local addictions team for support he’s looking for

Keroppi · 23/01/2026 20:17

"No sorry, I've got a lot going on at work and need my space. I hope he can get support from the GP and I'm happy to drive him to a dry clinic or pick up and drop off food and a prescription for him/whatever small support you want or can give. I can't house him. Speak soon xx"

Vaxtable · 23/01/2026 20:18

Just say no sorry it’s not going to happen

they either move in with other family members or find a rehab slot

7238SM · 23/01/2026 20:20

Why aren't these family members sending him to rehab???

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