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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

aibu to say no?

104 replies

mycathasfangs · 23/01/2026 20:04

I feel horrible saying no but I have heard so much about people doing this and it all goes wrong, I'm trying to find a way that is right for everyone and not just one person..

30 year old heroin addicted family member keeps asking to move in with me for 'a few days' to 'get off the heroin' I am being pressured by family to help him, being told things like 'families help each other out at times like this, it's on us not other people'

I brought up the fact I live alone and if he is withdrawing then I probably won't feel safe and also scared I will wake up to my tv and phone gone etc, I then get told (this is true but doesn't mean he won't when desperate..) that he has never stolen anything so why would he from me etc. He doesn't have to steal because he constantly gets money from family because we can't just 'abandon him' I say he needs to hit rock botton but get told I don't know what i'm talking about.

He's been on it for three years. sold every item in his flat to buy that shit.

He says he wants to come off it, yet is still buying and using. He gets methadrone and sells it to buy more heroin, He is involved with people I wouldn't want around me.

can people with experience please tell me how it is in reality? anyone actually had someone coming off drugs live with them? or anyone lived with an addict can you tell me how it really is? I will probably show this to my family if I get any replies.

OP posts:
Pricelessadvice · 24/01/2026 07:20

Do not let him in your house OP, under any circumstances.

mixedcereal · 24/01/2026 07:38

OMG do not allow him to move in with you.
I have limited experience in that a family member went through something similar. He was smashing through patio doors in the night to get out to go try find more drugs despite wanting to come off it and not being fully addicted.
He needs to find help elsewhere to come off the drugs. Although this is incredible incredibly hard and we weren’t able to get any help so paid for private rehab.

Ooodelally · 24/01/2026 07:52

mycathasfangs · 23/01/2026 22:21

just wanted to thank everyone for taking the time to reply. i will show this to my family tomorrow and hope it's enough to make them see i'm not some miricle worker who has all the answers to everyone's problems in life. there is a history of 'woman look after men at all costs no matter how you feel' in my family so it's nice to see i'm not the only one that thinks i can't do this.

i do think if he was serious about coming off it he would be taking the methadrone which is what its for.. he just sells it to buy more shit, then straight after it's 'i want to sort my life out and get off it, this is the last time' on repeat, for years.

i can't fix everything, i can't even fix my own life.

You can tell them from me that it’s absolutely disgusting to ask this of you and they ought to be ashamed! I’m so sorry you have been cursed with such an awful family. You sound lovely, stay strong and don’t let them drag you down xxx

Emigree · 24/01/2026 07:58

This is also a way of shifting blame and guilt over his situation onto you... So all the 70 year old family members get off his case and focus their attention on getting you to toe the line and become another resource and enabler for the addict and their behaviour, rather than focus on what needs to be done by the addicted person themselves (eg do the work, engage with the methadone program, find a rehab program)

Be prepared for 'family help family', 'I would do it for you if the situation was reversed'
'no wonder I have problems when no one helps me, ' and the lifelong refrain of 'I wouldn't be addicted if x had just let me detox in her house that one time '
All of this is unknowable bullishit.

You can still be a support for this person, helping them engage with rehab and as a family member, but not by burning up your own life.

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