aibu to say no?

[mycathasfangs]

I feel horrible saying no but I have heard so much about people doing this and it all goes wrong, I'm trying to find a way that is right for everyone and not just one person..

30 year old heroin addicted family member keeps asking to move in with me for 'a few days' to 'get off the heroin' I am being pressured by family to help him, being told things like 'families help each other out at times like this, it's on us not other people'

I brought up the fact I live alone and if he is withdrawing then I probably won't feel safe and also scared I will wake up to my tv and phone gone etc, I then get told (this is true but doesn't mean he won't when desperate..) that he has never stolen anything so why would he from me etc. He doesn't have to steal because he constantly gets money from family because we can't just 'abandon him' I say he needs to hit rock botton but get told I don't know what i'm talking about.

He's been on it for three years. sold every item in his flat to buy that shit.

He says he wants to come off it, yet is still buying and using. He gets methadrone and sells it to buy more heroin, He is involved with people I wouldn't want around me.

can people with experience please tell me how it is in reality? anyone actually had someone coming off drugs live with them? or anyone lived with an addict can you tell me how it really is? I will probably show this to my family if I get any replies.

how on earth do his family know he has not stolen before ? How could they possible know this ?

Clearly they can't know, but if this is coming from the same people enabling him by giving money it's probably all part of their "heads in the sand" approach

Hopefully OP will be more realistic, for the addicts sake as well as her own

Family can pay for rehab than his addiction.

Why not?

No no no and fuck no, do not let this person move in with you!

How dare anyone put pressure on you Op

To be fair to them, they are probably in a blind panic, don't understand what addiction really means and simply don't know how to deal with him or what to do. Contact some drug charities for recommendations and advice on how you can deal with this and where he can get help. Be firm with them. He needs professional help.

In the meantime, you are going have to practice being very clear, very firm with them, even when they kick off at you. Don't make excuses, they won't be listening. They are only listening for your agreement so that the whole mess is no longer on their plate.

"I will not do it. Stop asking. I will not change my mind"

And repeat.

This may sound very blunt but it is the only way to get the message through to them.
I agree with pp who said they will probably arrange to visit and just dump him. So do change locks and get a ring door bell as suggested.

You cannot solve his problems. It will just make matters worse for both of you.

They will be angry, but that is better than you trying to act as a one woman rehab centre.

Have been slightly involved professionally but many years ago. Your relatives have no idea what they are talking about. Do Not Do This. You are putting yourself into all kinds of danger.

Absolutely 100% do not engage in this nonsense! Once he moves in, you'll never get rid of him AND he'll still be an addict. He won't stop, just because he "lives with you for a few days". Stand firm. Be the villain if you have to be. You are not a recovery centre! You aren't a trained addiction withdrawal specialist. He can stay elsewhere.

i think they mean he has never stolen from family before now

He needs to go into a facility. You are not a drug expert and it’s a ridiculous suggestion. Stand your ground.

If he truly wanted to get clean he could go and punch some police officers, they’ll sort him a room with no drugs in to live in.

No please dont. There is a good reason why your other family members dont want him.
Don't let them grind you down. Heroine addiction is a very dangerous thing. When they need a hit they will get it anyway, anyhow without any thoughts for anyone else. As a lone female you will be vulnerable.
He needs professional intervention to get clean, not a spare bedroom in a relatives home

Then he goes to those 70 year olds … not you!

Amazing how people are so keen to persuade someone else to do what they don't want to do themselves. You're a woman on your own, therefore vulnerable. You could have all sorts of undesirables lurking and loitering in and around your house.

Without going into the fully gruesome details, a heroin addict spent time (lived on and off) at our house when I was a child. He hated my brother, was nice to me sometimes and horrible at others, beat the shit out of us both. He used to kidnap our little sister. He once strangled my mum and left her unconscious on the kitchen floor and fled, we thought she’d died. He tried to drive us into a canal to kill us all. He stole all of our things. We used to rent our appliances from a company and they had boxes on the side that you put a pound into to make them work and a man used to come and empty them periodically (weekly maybe) to pay the bill, he broke into them and stole all the money leaving my mum in constant debt. One day a man came to our door and when mum opened it, he put a shotgun in her face, she pushed us kids aside and told him he’s not here but please go check around if you want to. That was right near the end, he overdosed a little while later and we think it was probably intentional as he was in a dire situation he couldn’t escape.

I believe people can recover from addiction but I wouldn’t want them in my house while actively still buying and using.

Are there no detox units where you live? I wouldn't do it, if I were you. He can do it at home, anyway, if he has a home. It's just moving in by stealth really.

@Trujay and this is EXACTLY why OP must not let this individual over her doorstep

Let those family members saying ‘it’ll be fine’ do it.
You’re not comfortable with it, so it has to be a no.

Tell your family and the drug addict that you housing him isn’t the answer. Going to rehab and getting supervised medical help is what needs to happen if he is serious about getting clean. He is lying to himself by saying a few days in bed will help him. It won’t work and he knows it.

Keep saying no @mycathasfangs

No. I live alone and I was a Social worker who sees the best in people, but no. My home is my safe place and id never do it.
Why can't all the people who are saying 'do it' take him in?

The people who keep advocating family solidarity to coerce you into letting him in...well why dont they step up.

If he moves in, do you think he will come off the drugs and move out. I could imagine you on here in 6 months asking how to get him out! 😫

A couple of things OP
You are not a professional in addiction so you can’t help him.
You are not a support human.
They are trying to push your boundaries which quite frankly is quite despicable.

Also they are all creating a dependency here….he needs to move in with you to cold turkey…they always make an excuse, a reason why they can’t detox.

Say no. Say no for yourself.

@mycathasfangs

If for no other reason, his withdrawal needs to be medically managed for his own safety. 'Cold turkey' can be fatal. An addict (of any 'substance') needs professional help to detox and then successfully stay clean. So even if your relatives were in a position to 'help him' they would be foolish to do so.

My estranged DH is an alcoholic. I was escorted out by LEO 6 months ago after he refused to let me leave. He is constantly importuning me to move back to 'help him' get off of alcohol. I am and will always say 'no'. He needs professional help. The fact that he won't get it means that he is not serious. Same goes for your relative.

Here is wisdom I was given when things got bad and I realized that I was hurting myself by trying to 'save' him: No one is required to set themselves on fire to keep another person warm.

Say no and feel NO guilt whatsoever. Guilt is a useless emotion others put on us to get us to do what they want. Tell your relatives that if they really want to help him, they will organize professional care for him to help him detox and stay clean.

Absolutely don't do it. Anyone telling you that you should do this is completely unreasonable. Your relative needs an in patient drug treatment programme where he can be supervised by medical professionals.

From a detoxed former alcoholic, absolutely do not allow this. Detox is absolutely brutal and he will react badly I guarantee it. You cannot go through withdrawal in a couple of days and just move on. Lots of work needs to be done mentally beforehand and then the actual detox needs medical knowledge. He must see an addiction specialist, not just a GP. He must engage with support. He cannot do this alone.

You would be inviting in a world of trouble - that you are not equipped to deal with - if you let him do this.

It won't be over "in a few days" or a week. Most addicts don't go through withdrawal and then stay clean off their own steam, it can take dozens if not scores of attempts. When he's actually ready to get clean, he can take himself off to a suitable place for professional help, go to NA meetings for support, and work on himself to prevent relapse.