aibu to say no?

[mycathasfangs]

I feel horrible saying no but I have heard so much about people doing this and it all goes wrong, I'm trying to find a way that is right for everyone and not just one person..

30 year old heroin addicted family member keeps asking to move in with me for 'a few days' to 'get off the heroin' I am being pressured by family to help him, being told things like 'families help each other out at times like this, it's on us not other people'

I brought up the fact I live alone and if he is withdrawing then I probably won't feel safe and also scared I will wake up to my tv and phone gone etc, I then get told (this is true but doesn't mean he won't when desperate..) that he has never stolen anything so why would he from me etc. He doesn't have to steal because he constantly gets money from family because we can't just 'abandon him' I say he needs to hit rock botton but get told I don't know what i'm talking about.

He's been on it for three years. sold every item in his flat to buy that shit.

He says he wants to come off it, yet is still buying and using. He gets methadrone and sells it to buy more heroin, He is involved with people I wouldn't want around me.

can people with experience please tell me how it is in reality? anyone actually had someone coming off drugs live with them? or anyone lived with an addict can you tell me how it really is? I will probably show this to my family if I get any replies.

What are they imagining, House MD-esque where you lock him in a bedroom with the windows locked for days until he withdraws? He could die depending on his current use, especially if he isn't taking his methadone as directed. It's dangerous and inappropriate.

He needs professional help. Not a few days lying down. If he wants to detox, he should ask whoever prescribes the methadone. Also, he's 30... not 17, and really needs to take the lead in his own life. If the people pressuring you to do this, think its such a good idea, why isn't he staying with them? It's a hard family dynamic for sure. Maybe have a look at Families Anonymous, or Al-Anon on line. You all need support. 💐

in his head he will stay in bed until he feels better.. i wish it was so black and white, if it was I would do it in an instant.

No way. The mistake you. made was to give reasons, never ever explain, just say No, I can't do that. I am sorry, it sounds horrendous.

If he is desperate for help his GP may help him but please please do not take on this burden

No. You need to look after yourself. Everybody else seems to be looking after themselves ....

And do not feel bad for saying no. Just say there are professional support places for them.

Except that if he's been among this world for years he'll know very well that's not how it'll be, which means he's lying already

If you need an excuse say you've taken advice and learned that only professional support will help him, but just make sure it's a no

It's actually not life threatening coming off heroin / methadone / opiates. Very unpleasant but can be done. Alcohol or tranquillisers of the benzodiazepine type, are a different matter, and should not be withdrawn without medical supervision. Is he using other stuff along with heroin? Thats very common.

You are right, don't do it! It will almost certainly end badly, I think.

I might offer support in his flat, checking on him and maybe bringing a good delivery etc. I wouldn't have him in my home.

If he truly wants to get off, why doesn’t he take the methadone? That’s what it’s there for. I would direct him to the service that is prescribing and advise he does it properly.

No just no. Ignore the guilt tripping manipulation. Realistically he will struggle to get residential rehab on the NHS these days but that’s not your problem. They probably offer it in the community but he probably doesn’t want that. Instinct tells me it’s a round about way of coming to live / leech off you

He doesn't have to steal because he constantly gets money from family

Are the family members in their 70s giving him money? If they’re hassling you I would describe to them (in detail if needed) the damage they have done, and are still doing, by facilitating this.

No. Absolutely not. Why is it your problem, right now ? Why you? Why in your home? What is exactly is being asked of you? Are you meant to provide support, company? accountability, practical stuff like food, housework? Deal with withdrawal symptoms? What's the plan if his detox goes wrong and he relapses? When will he leave? What happens to his current housing if he moves in with you? What happens when you don't have the skills or resources to help him.? What happens to you when the safe space of your home is damaged and the stress is affecting your work, life and well-being?

If these other family members want to help they can all pitch in to get him to a professional detox /rehab centre. This is what he needs, not you as an endless open resource

No way. He needs to go to a rehab facility.

Withdrawal can kill

it needs to be done properly by a professional he is totally delusional if he thinks he can just do it with a bit of company

and he could harm you or steal or bring others into your home who do ! how on earth do his family know he has not stolen before ? How could they possible know this ?

No. He needs professional help. It's dangerous and unpredictable.
Don't feel bad, his drug use isn't your responsibility as harsh as it sounds.

The family that give him money can pay for rehab

Not your responsibility.

It's very lovely and kind that you are considering this, but no you should not house him. It's not nursing a hangover. He might not be dying, but he will feel like he is. In rehabs people are often given medications to ease them through the withdrawal. And i hate the risk it brings to you, if he should try to buy hearing while there and have some scabby dealer turn up at your house. He doesn't need to go cold turkey, he needs to take the methadone he has been prescribed and do the work.

Absolutely not.

Best case scenario is he'll get into withdrawal, not be able to cope and leave. Worst case scenario is he'll rob you before he leaves or if you try to stop him in any way he'll get violent.

He needs professional help and he needs to take responsibility for it. He's not even taking the methadone responsibly right now. You are not the answer to his problems.

NO WAY.

Why can’t he go stay with the 70 year olds, if they’re so insistent?

So he has never even tried before? And no medical professionals will be involved? It's honestly hell being with someone who is withdrawing. Don't do it OP.

Why?!

I lived with my ex partners brother for 3 years. I didn't know he was a heroin addict when he moved in but i found out fast. I loved my ex and his brother was like a brother to me. It was awful asking him if he was using ( he was honest when confronted) and then just as bad talking to him and his brother. ( i told him I couldn't keep it secret from ex). We then spent so long helping him dealing with this.. ( he wasn't) in a back and forth situation. He never did dodgy things in the house and as mentioned was a lovely man in some ways but I know he was in this kind of odd black market/economy of buying and selling dodgy shit that addicts end up in. I became good friends with his now ex ( we still are) as we seemed to be the only people who took things seriously. As to your question. I don't think he could stop. He wanted to, but also I think didn't. He ended up moving out and living with people who didn't know he was an addict. We stayed friends.... he died 10 of years ago and his brother phone me and first thing he said was "it wasn't drugs"... Who was i to argue it was ... but i think it was. I can't answer whether to live with your family member. I can tell you I don't regret living with the person I did who was an addict, but if I'd have known before they moved in I would not have said yes... and all the things that I thought i could do to help by being in the same house were useless really. It was stressful. Sometimes I wonder if they lived a bit longer with someone there who knew and tried to help them get off drugs... and I did have a good time with them/ care a lot about them so I wouldn't change that... but it was a hard and alienating time too. If you want to ama please do ...

Just no. Don’t even consider it. He needs to go to a proper rehab facility with professionals.
If your relatives are that bothered they can stump up the fees for it.