Dads using female communal changing room

[Strawberrryfields]

Not sure how I feel about this so looking for opinions and whether I should do anything.

A couple of times recently I’ve been changing my child after swimming and a dad has come in to change his child in the communal female changing room. It’s after lessons so only children changing. There are communal female, communal male and a number of individual cubicles. It gets very busy at peak times so at times you may need to wait for an individual cubicle.

It feels weird to me a grown man being in there and my instinct is that he should use the private cubicles, though he is clearly there with his child helping them get ready. I also understand him not wanting to take his child into the men’s communal changing rooms with random men in there but to me, he is a random man.

Should I say something? Would you? Chances are it’s just a normal dad changing his kid but I don’t feel entirely comfortable with it but not sure if IABU?

The phrase 'in front of' is pejorative. We're talking of kids who are too young to be able to dry and dress themselves after a swimming lesson without help of a parent or other responsible adult.

My daughter, now 33, was (just about) OK left to do the dry/dress routine herself at seven so she did that in Female area while I was sorting her five year old brother in the Males.

Ages reversed what's right?

My pool,not in uk, has male and female changing rooms with cubicles and separate toilets and showers and in between, there are two separate areas for mothers and children and fathers and children. Ideal for everybody and boys over 8 are not supposed to be in the women’s changing rooms.

As I’ve said, no adult women changing, just children after swimming lessons. A mix of around 3-11 age range.
I think just waiting for a private cubicle would be best.

No there’s a mix of ages around 3-11who have lessons at the same time. So some very young still needing help and others who don’t.

Yes there is no mixed family option there. There’s a male communal changing room, female communal changing room and individual cubicles.

Absolutely not okay for a man to be in a female changing room. He either changes his child in the male changing room or waits for a private cubicle.

But I do think he’s doing something wrong as he’s making people (me at least) feel uncomfortable. At best it’s a clueless thing to do, at worst yes he could be a creep. I don’t know these men to know which is true so would rather they just weren’t there at all.

Not trolling this genuinely happened - twice and you can see other commenters have experienced it too.

I agree clear signage is needed as it seems this needs to be spelled out. This might also make someone feel more confident in speaking up if they saw someone flouting the rules on future as it can’t really be argued with.

@Rosealea completely misses the point. It's nothing to do with accusing the men of everything and all about protecting female spaces for females. Of course many females would feel uncomfortable about a man appearing in a female space, especially before/after swimming when they may well be changing outside cubicles. It's v simple. The child uses the changing room based on the sex of the parent. Once they are old enough to manage independently, usually 8 or 9, they change in the correct one for their sex. The OP's pool also has the benefit of private cubicles which these men could have chosen if they didn't want to use the relevant changing room, for whatever reason.

3-11 ,is an extremely normal range for swimming lessons! Swim England Stage 1-7 for example.

I swam a lot as a kid. Started at 3 left the swim club at 14. Tuesday nights. Tended to be younger kids earlier but there were kids of all ages in the changing rooms.

in those days if a dad had dared go into the girls changing area I am not sure he would have survived!

At our swimming school there are different levels in each lane at the same time, the youngest doing level one are 4 and the oldest are 13/14 (I can tell from the school uniform).

It's very handy if you have more than one DC. My 5 and 9 year olds are in the same time slot in different lanes.

Being the father of a daughter has some challenges. Apart from changing facilities being too often in the female toilets (resulting in awkward waiting in front of the door and asking random women for help to go in and change DD - who have been usually very understanding and supportive), there is the problem that from a certain age girls don't want to go to male changing rooms or toilets - but are still too young to go alone.

Of course this is awkward - and I have been lucky that so far, mothers have always been understanding. But there is no easy solution.

(Although being the only father on a playground already seems to trigger some women - to the extent that they want to 'protect' the daughter.)

Calling the father "paedo" does not only betray ignorance (why would someone who is paedophile be interested in adult women?) - but also a complete lack of empathy. What do you think the impact will be on the girl if her father is chased out of the changing room by a mob of angry women, who accuse him of rather terrible crimes? And it's not only that: the other children will witness this as well and spread the news.

I completely understand why this makes you uncomfortable, and it would have been more appropriate for the father to find a different solution - but accusing a man of being a paedophile simply because of their very presence might not be the best idea.

Where did the OP say he was a paedophile or that she accused him of being one?

It's simple, he was a man in a female changing room and he shouldn't be there.

It's 4 to about 11 at our local swimming pool. I don't know why you think it's weird. There's three lessons in the pool at the same time at different levels. One beginners, one intermediate and one more advanced. So there's a wide age range.

I think you are suggesting the OP is lying.

Given they've had to put signs up at our pool about adults staying in their own sex changing rooms, I very much doubt that's the case.

That's because your husband is normal. My husband wouldn't either.
Unfortunately, there are some very entitled and frankly, unpleasant people about who are quite happy to trample over the rights of others to get their own way.

Why on earth didn't you go and report a man in the women's changing room immediately, I'm lost for words you thought, hang on I'll ask MN if this is ok, FFS 🤦

Men need to stay the hell out of women's changing rooms. There are no circumstances under which their being there is acceptable.

I don't give a shit about the impact on the kid of an father who doesn't give a shit about the impact of his presence in the female changing areas.

Why should I?

You are a man saying your child and what you want is more important than all the other girls and their parents.

No.

This was in the course of the discussion. OP was very reasonable.

This.

No circumstances at all.

If he doesn't want to be called a paedo the simple answer is to stay out of the changing rooms when young girls are changing. Chances are he is a nonce, normal men would not feel comfortable in there.

"I don't give a shit about the impact on the kid" - so you are most likely worse than the father.

The father doesn't cause any harm - you do deliberately cause harm.

I tried to explain why this is not so easy. He might even feel uneasy.

How does he know that there is no Rose West in the changing room?