to think expectations of grandfathers vs grandmothers are wildly uneven even among women?

[HazelMember]

I keep noticing how little is expected of grandfathers when it comes to childcare compared to grandmothers and a lot of the pressure seems to come from other women as well.

Grandfathers can occasionally “babysit”, take a child out once in a while, or simply not mess things up, and they’re praised for being involved and helpful. The bar feels incredibly low.

Meanwhile grandmothers are often expected to provide regular childcare, know routines, remember appointments, cook, clean, offer emotional support and be constantly available. If they don’t step up, there’s often judgement.

I’ve seen comments along the lines of how a woman had loads of help from her own mum, so it’s unfair that she now won’t look after her grandchildren as if that automatically obliges her. People stay silent about the men.

What strikes me is how normalised this is, even among women who otherwise recognise how unequal childcare expectations are. The assumption still seems to be that women will do the caring, even a generation later, while men get a pass.

Same generation. Same family role. Completely different expectations.

AIBU to think this double standard is outdated and unfair?

If my daughter wants to build something she will ask grandad not nanny either grandad 😅

If my son wants to play video games his calling my mum then my dad definitely not the others.

If they want a lift it’s hubbys parents. They all seem to have the places deemed by the grandchildren themselves by how they behave and put themselves across.

Is the timing not when a man has his children who he has fathered as opposed to when grandchildren come along?

But it's not about responsibility. For some GPS, they want to care /support /be an integral part of their GCs lives.
No big deal for them. No right or wrong, each to their own

You’re describing why people feel more comfortable going to their mums, not explaining why the expectations are so uneven in the first place.

Leaky boobs don't last forever.

Yes many women turn to their mums for postnatal support. Shared bodily experience, trust and emotional safety matter. No one is disputing that. But that doesn’t explain why grandmothers are then expected to provide regular childcare as a default, or criticised when they don’t while grandfathers are rarely judged at all.

Periods are a false comparison here. You don’t ask anyone to babysit because they’ve menstruated. Childcare isn’t biologically female in the same way bleeding or breastfeeding are. Feeding, nappies, routines, safety, and supervision are learned skills, not sexed ones.

You also contradict your own point. You say your dad was very hands on and capable yet you’d still default to your mum for childcare simply because she’s your mum. That’s exactly the social pattern being questioned. Capability isn’t actually the deciding factor, habit and expectation are.

This is not about who individuals choose to ask. It’s about the judgement attached when grandmothers don’t step into that role. People say things like “she had help from her mum so she should help now” or imply a grandmother is cold or selfish if she doesn’t provide childcare. No equivalent judgement is applied to grandfathers, even capable ones.

You can prefer your mum without pretending that preference is neutral or inevitable. It’s shaped by decades of assumptions about who caregiving belongs to. Pointing that out isn’t attacking mums, it’s questioning why the burden keeps landing in the same place, generation after generation.

Lets be realistic - grandmothers.

How many women do you hear of who are upset because their dad won't look after their children when they go back to work or just generally?

Depends-when he became a Dad he was young, focused on a career and providing for his family. He was also a child of the 50s and came to being a Dad with a different set of rules. He was lucky he got a 2nd chance at this and the rewards have been wonderful for him and my grand daughters

Agree. There was a thread on here barely a week ago where the OP was complaining that when she and family stayed with her parents over Christmas, other than reading to her for a few minutes her father didn't engage at all with her young child, and didn't help with any of the "hosting" duties either, just moaned about how lively the child was, to the point he wouldn't even more his legs for her to walk around.

So many posters just said "he read to her, that's lovely, creating precious memories, what more do you want?" mixed with "He's elderly (early 70s), young children are exhausting, you can't blame him." Completely ignoring the fact that OP's same aged mother had ALSO read to the child, played with her as well as doing all the cleaning, cooking, tidying, etc.

I think that this a generational thing when the vast majority of men thought that that all they should do was work.

And not be involved with looking after children. I wasn't their place .

So some of my these men developed a very determined learned helplessness..

I remember that thread. It showed how sexist some women are.

What has changed? MN is full of women posting about how their DH/DP are useless and they are left to look after the children pretty much by themselves.

When our DD had her baby my DH and I were both in our 50s and worked full time . DD had to return to work when baby was 3 months old as she and her husband were struggling financially as she had been a student nurse during her pregnancy and wasn’t entitled to any maternity pay at all .
Luckily all four of us, 2 parents and 2 grandparents , worked shifts and one of us was always available to have baby .
So my DH did as much childcare as the rest of us . Unfortunately he died suddenly at 57 when all four of our DGC were under 2 years old but he would have been very happy to do his share if he had been able to .
I do agree this was an unusual situation though , and after he died his older retired brother was roped in to help 😂.

I agree with you, but it doesn't work like that in our family. None of the women would have allowed it. My FIL helped renovate our last house, he taught my DS to ride a bike. My Pop does more practical support for his family than my nan. Basically the grandmother's provide more love and cook the food, grandpa's are practical support and fun.
I think it's on everyone in the family to refuse to accept ridiculous gender based roles with the women doing more.

Grandmothers expected to provide free childcare while also being told that they shouldnt get their state pensions till later and should keep on working cos the same ppl who expect said childcare begrudge them something that they may not get yet expect them to be available for childcare and to carry on working

I think it's on everyone in the family to refuse to accept ridiculous gender based roles with the women doing more.

But women often end up pressurising and judging other women who won't help them while leaving the men out of it. Men are not falling over themselves to volunteer and help with childcare mostly.

On another thread, a woman is criticising her MIL saying she won't help her with her children then admitting her DH can't cope with more than one child. She lets him off because she couldn't do his job but MIL gets criticised and attacked for not helping.

What an awful thing to think. How sad that you think this. I don't think it has got anything to do with mistrust - its just age old stereotypes.