Giving the ring back - Settle a debate?

[ChicJoker]

Hypothetical, debating a friend. If a couple are engaged and then breakup, should the ring be given back? Does the value of the ring influence your decision?

Absolutely return a family ring. To keep it is awful behaviour.

My mum still has the engagement ring my dad got her. She has a little memory box in her bedroom and it sits in there. They never married but it was a big part of her life. I have never returned a gift when a relationship turned sour.
My MIL pawned her wedding ring and bought us all a takeaway with the proceeds to celebrate her divorce from FIL 🤣

It depends entirely on the tastes of the Bride to be. It's more about the effort the Groom puts in to choosing a ring that he thinks the bride will want to wear. If the bride to be likes dainty rings with stones that cost less than diamonds then there is no point in buying her a £45k sparkler. If a man is on a really good salary and just buys the first cheap silver CZ ring that he sees, then the bride to be is right to be upset.

When my engagement broke down, heartbroken I offered to return the ring, after all I wasn’t intending to wear it ever again.
The offer was turn down, he bought the ring as an outright gift to me and stood by the fact. He was the one that broke the arrangement.

A friend became engaged and the engagement ring was a family heirloom. When she broke the engagement herself and tried to keep the ring she received a solicitor letter asking her to do the right thing and return it. She did.

Its all about situations.

*I eventually married my ex-fiancé after a miserable summer without him. He was equally, if not more remorseful for his actions. Still married.
Now I have two engagement rings…..

“For example if my partner earns 15k per month after tax should I expect a 45k ring??!“

No to me that feels like conspicuous consumption and there are many better ways to use that money eg in investments, savings or paying down a mortgage. My DH earns a bit above this and we spent £3k.

I think yes give it back because it’s not a “gift” without strings attached, if you say no when he proposes you don’t get the ring, it’s given as a response to a proposal to be married, if the marriage isn’t happening I’d say give the ring back.

Legally no. Morally - it depends whose "fault" it is.

I'm sorry if that's your experience but engagements can end for many reasons and I don't think why really comes into play. The thought behind giving it back is so they can sell/exchange/return and recoup the expense.

The three months salary thing was invented by jewellery companies as a clever marketing trick (diamond engagement rings as a concept were invented by marketers too but cleverly presented as a long established/ancient tradition). So personally I think that's nonsense. Stinginess is never an attractive quality in someone you're going to marry, so if the occasion is going to be marked at all I think it should be in proportion to it's importance. The proportion though is in generosity of the giver, generosity can take many forms not just financial. For instance it could be knowing that your future spouse loves vintage jewellery and spending a lot of time searching for just the right ring (which may end up being relatively inexpensive), or knowing she would like something unique and creative so using your artistic skills to design something custom, or in knowing she doesn't really like jewellery so buying her something else significant and thoughtful to mark the moment, or indeed knowing she would love a fuck-off huge blingy rock and stretching yourself to make her happy. I know that's a vague answer...

There is no obligation to give it back.

I couldn’t imagine wanting to keep it however I also can’t imagine the kind of person who would ask for it back! Both very cringey IMO.

My finace broke my heart. I sold the ring and used the money to go away and regroup!

It's "supposed to be" a month's salary according to De Beers the company that sells diamond rings (they started this nonsense a long time ago) It's utter bollocks of course and nobody should spend that kind of money on a ring.

Well if JJ said that, then I would take it aa gospel and abide by her judgement😁

You give it back.

I sold mine. The DC needed to eat and he was dicking around with maintenance. It wasn't worth much at all, but paid for a couple of weeks food.

If you have dcs together it’s entirely different. Also if my partner had cheated or behaved terribly etc I’d sell it and spend the money!

where did you get the "three months salary" thing from? I have honestly never heard of this. I do remember the "thing" when I was engaged was for the person who was paying for the ring (shock horror, there were gay couples then!!) to pick out a ring that was around what they could afford and say something like "I like that one, what do you think?" or, if you were really posh but not posh enough to own heirlooms, the buyer would drop into the jewellers ahead of time and tell the jeweller their budget. When the couple went to the shop, the jeweller would miraculously produce trays that were within the budget. My ring cost a lot less than my partner's budget and I think he was a bit surprised when i chose it but I loved it then and, although I no longer wear it, I love it now.

If the engagement was broken off through no fault of the wearer then they should keep it.

Otherwise return it. Surely?

I don't think that sounds at all vague and I definitely agree with you.

I'm aware. I was, quite clearly, talking about what I would personally do. In my case I'm already married so my equivalent of breaking off an engagement would be getting divorced. And then I said what I would do in that instance.

It all depends on context. In most situations, I would return the ring. If its a family ring, return it. If it was bought as a christmas / birthday gift for you as well as a engagement then you could have a good case for keeping it. If the ex, owns you money or ran up debt in your name then you might keep it to cover the debt. If its expensive, it was bought as an investment for a future together which you wont have. So I would return it. Sometimes the cake isnt worth the bake. If keeping it causes resentment, anger or continued ties with the ex. It might be better to get someone else to return it or sign for return. Having someone walking around with bitter feelings towards you isnt worth it. The best thing to do is recover, move on and let go.

The legal stance in England and Wales is that it’s a gift.

Possibly a controversial opinion but I think in situations like this it is absolutely fine to sell an heirloom ring. The blame for the loss of the heirloom in that situation lies solely with the man. Also in abuse situations, if you need something for your new life, sell that heirloom.

It wasn't an heirloom in my case! IIRC it cost about £400 and I sold it for about £50. Apparently the diamonds had no resale value, so it was just the value of the gold. I possibly would have got more on Ebay according to the jewellers, but I didn't have time to wait for it to sell.

Yes I would give an engagement ring back if the wedding was called off.
i’ve been married 16 years so if we got divorced now I wouldn’t give my engagement or wedding rings back, I’d give them to my DDs