Giving the ring back - Settle a debate?

[ChicJoker]

Hypothetical, debating a friend. If a couple are engaged and then breakup, should the ring be given back? Does the value of the ring influence your decision?

I think it depends on the circumstances. My ex was financially abusive and I was left completely screwed over (our break up was also triggered by him being physically violent) so I sold the ring to try and get back on my feet. I think that was totally fair enough in the circs. If I had just decided I wanted out of a decent relationship I would have returned it.

When my exDH left me I gave him his rings back. They no longer held any meaning. A ring is supposed to symbolize an unbreakable commitment, so if you break it, of course you should give the ring back.

I agree with that actually.

absolutely fair

We both paid for mine. We are a financially blended couple in our 50s. We jointly decided to marry after a discussion about the legal / financial implications. I don't need an engagement ring bought for me and a showy proposal, I earn far more money than he does anyway!

For any old ring I'd personally give it back if I was the one who ended the engagement or was at fault, and probably keep it if it were the other party in some way. Post marriage I agree the ring is for the wife to keep - EXCEPT if it is a very meaningful family heirloom.

Judge Judy said you should give them back as it is a gift in lieu of marriage. I agree with her. I gave mine back.

If it was a family heirloom then I think it should be returned (for the next victim).

Depends who ended the engagement. If a man dumped me or cheated on me etc I’d keep the ring. If I decided I didn’t want to go ahead with the marriage and dumped him I’d give it back.

Would you give all gifts back to each other? No you wouldn't. The person who receives, keeps. With the exception of a family ring.

I’m divorced and no way am I keeping my engagement / wedding rings. Why would you pass a symbol of failed marriage down to your children??

Absolutely.

Marriage was a contract (just like house buying is) and the engagement ring was the 'deposit' (non returnable). The contract was 'completed' on marriage and consumation. This also involved financial arrangements, usually between the man and father/guardian of the woman.

The man proposed marriage and could only be released from the engagement by the woman. Failure to go through with the marriage could result in him being sued for Breach of Promise (See Trial by Jury, Gilbert and Sullivan).

Things have changed since this time with statutory marriage acts, and the ring is considered an 'absolute gift'.

Wearing it on the other hand might not be palatable to a future partner though.

”That’s a lovely ring, where did you get it?”
”Oh the guy before you gave it to me when he proposed. Don’t worry it’s all in the past though, I just wear it on my hand forever”

I think generally it should be returned. The monetary value of the ring isn't material to this, but it should especially be returned if it's a family heirloom.

If the recipient of the ring is not the one to break it off and was not 'at fault' in the split, I would have sympathy for them keeping it, though.

Okay still a split debate! Piggybacking from this (as did my debate with a friend) what are your views on cost of the ring?

traditionally it’s supposed to be 3 months salary. Which obviously would wildly vary depending on your partners income.

do you agree or disagree with this? How does it work for self employed people? For example if my partner earns 15k per month after tax should I expect a 45k ring??!

When ex and I split up (after 28 years of marriage), I kept my rings, and passed them to our daughter. He kept his rings and gave them to our son.

But, they are gifts.🤷‍♀️

You wouldnt divorce someone you're just engaged to

This. If the man breaks off the engagement, he obviously doesn't get the ring back.

I know some people will say 'what about family heirlooms?' lol.

I offered my ex the ring back (engaged never married) and he looked at me like I'd grown two heads 🤣 his point was what the heck was he going to do with it. Which seems fair.
It now lives in the bottom of my wardrobe and I get it out periodically as it was so pretty but I also don't know what to do with it either!
It was low value (in engagement rings terms - under £500) and not a very traditional engagement ring so I don't think it really has resale value.

🤣😂🤣

"do you agree or disagree with this?"

No, 3 months' salary on a ring is ridiculous. Get a cheaper one, not least because you don't want to get mugged for it.

You morally should give it back, but I personally think it depends upon why you broke up and if you’ve lost any money in breaking up.
And 3 months salary is ridiculous, especially when you’ve got a wedding/house to pay for.
I haven’t worn my engagement ring for 29 years, stopped wearing it when I had my first as it could scratch him.

Just to throw another question in for consideration, what if the ring is of limited financial value but of great sentimental value to the giver eg grandmother’s ring?

Not returning a family heirloom is terrible.

But if you are equal that way, why doesn't he also have an engagement ring?