DS wants to go by middle name

[Motthew]

Has anyone's child done this? Or done it themselves? He's 8 so it's not like he's always gone by it. Say his name is Daniel James Smith (of course not his real names) and we've always called him Danny, he says he wants to be James now. Just because he likes it better.

Theoretically I have no objections, James is his name just as much as Daniel but I think it will take a lot of getting used to and I'm not sure how serious he is about it.

Part of me thinks good for him as I've always preferred my middle name too, but somehow it just never felt like it was 'me' iyswim.

Should we go with it or let him think about it a bit longer? I know it doesn't have to be permanent either way but how long does it take to get used to a name change like that?

Many people either go by their middle name or a Nick name of some sort. I dislike my first name and don’t like the shorter version either I wish I had been called my middle name. Feel it’s a bit late in life for me to do it now.

I would let your son try it out and see how it goes.

I’d let him. Our DS’s name is a (classic) top 10 and I wavered over something so popular but it really was the only name we both loved. Conversely his middle name is only just inside the top 500 for his year of birth, named for a beloved relative of mine he never got to meet. If he decided he prefers the less common middle name when he grows up I’d be all for it. FWIW DH goes by his middle name, always has (didn’t realise it wasn’t his first name until he was an adult!).

My Dad and his siblings all go by middle names.

I have a friend he has always called his wife by her first name, only when I went to their wedding I realised she was known by her second name and only her very close family, husband and me called her by her first name (she hates the name!) .

I knew a few people at school who did change to use second names - often the people who didn’t want to be called Claire 3 or Sarah A - very often a popular name they just wanted to have something different.

To counter this, DH has never found it an issue. Anything official, tax, bank, passport, security checks for his work are in his official first name, everyone he knows including day to day at work use his middle name.

I used to go to school with a girl who went by her middle name. We only found out in year 11.

My niece has just turned 18 and she has picked herself a new name. She was bullied in junior school by a teacher, even though it wasn’t about her name, they used her name on a rhyme. It really stuck with her and she has been going by her new name online for a few years and college friends know her by new name. It’s been hard to remember but we are trying.

Call him by his middle name. Let relatives who will see him or send him things know he likes his middle name right now. Let him know he can ask his teachers to do the same. He's 8 and there is no need to talk to him about legal names - just tell him that the school computers and such will have his first name and let him practice saying "I like to be called James please" when people use Daniel.

Maybe it sticks, maybe it doesn't, maybe he lands on a shortening of one of them he likes even better and by age 35 everyone in his life will call him Danny and think nothing of it. Not a problem; the world is full of people who go by something other than their full first name at least some of the time.

I have two relatives that both use their middle names (weirdly they are married to each other so it’s a pure coincidence). I would let your son, just don’t change anything formally for a few years!

Ex-H disliked his first name as it was very similar to a brand of paint that was being advertised when he was younger, so he got teased at school. Hence he always used a shortened version of his middle name.

He could always use his first initial and second name for example

J. Edgar Hoover (founder and director of the FBI)
J. Presper Eckert (Designer of the first all electronic computer)
J. Arthur Rank (British film and flour tycoon)

who all happened to be J's!

I know a surprising number of people who go by their middle name - my father in law, my boss, my good friend, my friend’s husband. Totally normal in my world.

You need to put your foot down and say that there is no way you are calling him any other way than his first name. He does not get to decide that. Be firm.
When he becomes an adult, he can change his name if he wants to. He will have overgrown the idea by then.

I’ve gone by my middle name for years - my first name is traditionally a man’s name (literally never met another woman with my name!) so when I was a teenager I switched. My dad/stepmum/other members of my extended family call me by my first name but everyone else including DH calls me by my middle name. I’d let him and see how he gets on, it may or may not last

Several of the women in my mother’s family were generally known by their middle names for two generations (my Mum and cousins). I have no idea why.

If you were a girl born in my town in my year, your chances of being called my first name were almost 30%. There were four of us in my class. I started using my middle name when I was seven, and one of the other girls was also known by her middle name. It didn't take long for other people to remember the new name, which I still use.

My brother was always known by his middle name, as were both my grandmothers and various other relatives.

There's the odd disadvantage. The main one is not recognising your own name when it is called out at hospital appointments. It makes you look odd.

I don't have a 'problem' with it and of course I like both names, I can just see that it's not going to be a completely frictionless process like changing a haircut and he's always said he likes Daniel/Danny. He is just saying now that he likes James a bit more, so I wasn't sure how much this is a passing whim or if it's something we should put the effort into.

Thanks for all the insight, it is helpful!

I actually think he would really suit the 'Jamie' equivalent, which is what we would have called him if the names were the other way round. But I'm not sure if that's what he had in mind, I will have to ask him!

Behave. 😂 He isn't "changing" his name. The boy has two forenames - and presumably his parents liked both. Until now, he has been known by the first of those two forenames, and now would like to try the second. And no, he doesn't need parental permission to decide which of the two forenames that appear on his birth certificate to use.

A friend of my son's changed his name at that age. Not quite the same - he had a Polish name and decided to go by an English-sounding equivalent. It was no big deal at all. Everyone just started calling him by his new name and that was that. I remember it was a bit hard for his Mum who struggled with him deciding to step away from his Polish identity and the name she had chosen for him, but she saw that his name was ultimately his choice.

Aw, let him. We called our son a very popular name, but gave him the ‘proper’ version of it on his birth certificate, as opposed to the more popular diminutive he’s known by. We did start to regret putting such an old fashioned name on his birth certificate, especially when he gets called by it at hospital appointments (he has a lot of those unfortunately.) But he told me a couple of weeks ago (he’s 13 now) that he likes having the option of the proper name and might use it when he’s older. He already uses it for gaming😆 I’m pleased that he has his own thoughts on it and that he feels he can use whichever one he prefers.

In the scheme of things that kids want to change, this is already his, you already chose it, and it costs nothing! I’d go with it.

It's interesting now how many people are doing it in reverse as adults. I used to watch Toby Faletau play rugby for Wales - originally from Tonga. He changed it at school because some of his mates couldn't pronounce his Tongan name and it carried on into his professional career. About five years ago he asked to be known as Taulupe and this is how he is known now professionally and personally. I think it's a gorgeous name! And I am really pleased that he wanted to revert to what made sense to him.

Not completely true.

What part isn't completely true?
If it's the schools/workplace thing then possibly you are correct but personally I have never come across someone actively denied being called by a "known as" name at school/work.

Our daughter went through a phase of calling herself by her middle name. She gave up after a while but then decided to change the spelling of her middle name. I prefer the spelling she chose and would be happy for her to call herself either of those names. (I wanted to spell her middle name a certain way, my dyslexic husband told everyone it was spelt a different way and that stuck!) She’s in her 20s now and talking about changing it officially. I really don’t mind, I’m just pleased she doesn’t want to be Glinka or Elpheba!

Op i think he should trial it at home first.
Then ask school to be known as either after Easter or Summer.
The only reason I say summer is it will be a new class teacher with no baggage of his first name.
Any new clubs start with his middle name