School say they're monitoring lateness now and I feel sick about it

[oBoltFire]

I cant stop thinking about this and feel really stupid for how upset I am but I need a reality check. At drop off this morning the teacher took me aside and said they need to “monitor lateness” because we’ve been late again today and its becoming a pattern. She wasnt horrible about it but it felt very formal and I could feel my face burning and my stomach drop. We are talking a few minutes late, not half an hour, but its happened more than it should. Mornings are honestly chaos here, I’ve got a baby who barely sleeps and needs feeding right when we should be leaving, a toddler who refuses shoes one minute and then melts down the next, no car so we walk it, and by the time we get out the door something always seems to go wrong. I know everyone has stuff going on and Im not special, but it really isnt from lack of trying or not caring. I already feel like I’m constantly failing at the school run and this just tipped me over. I cant shake the feeling they think I’m unreliable or neglectful or just not bothered, which couldnt be further from the truth. Sorry this is long, Im just replaying it over and over in my head and feeling sick with shame about it.

Am I overreacting to the word monitoring or is this actually serious? Does this lead to letters or fines or worse if it carries on? Has anyone else had this conversation with school and it came to nothing once things improved, or should I be genuinely worried about this now? I feel ridiculous for how anxious I am but I also cant tell if I should be taking this as a massive warning sign or not.

I might try leaving earlier and just accepting we’ll stand around near school for a bit if we get there too soon rather than always cutting it fine.

It's this - if you cut it fine there no ley way when things go wrong.

I had eldest who couldn't cope with being late so did it anyway.

Thing that help- everytime putting shoes and coats back immediately and book bag immediatey in same place - so they are there.

It was stressful for years with kids with similar age gaps - though later found they are ND which probaly didn't help - but it does get better and then suddenly it's all a well run machine.

They dislike lateness as it upsets some kids and it can cause classwide disruption and even a few minutes loses the settling down time. I don't think they are thinking anything beyond you are late and it's causing minor issue to that teacher.

I quite agree. I said in my first two sentences, people who do this are rude, my husband is an example.

He is a lovely person in many ways. We've been married over 30 years and I don't regret it but I dislike that side of him. I find it embarrassing, hence my choice to make independent travel plans.

i sympathise with the stress of the school run days.
It does teach you and your kids some helpful life lessons that can be valuable about how to manage punctuality.
I was in your situation years ago ,struggling with mornings with young children and time keeping was often not quite achieved. The teacher pulled me and asked if i understood why being consistently on time was important both to my child and others eg: prolonging the settling time wasted all staff and childrens time, everyone else was making the effort to be on time, life lessons about being punctual etc. She asked if id be 5 minutes late for a bus ,train or plane if it could be avoided.
i thought about it and realised,i was struggling with prioritising in the mornings and didnt allocate sufficient time to do what was essential.
I streamlined my thinking and prioritised getting to school on time as if it were a train that would leave the station.
I didn't become a perfect timekeeper but was no longer consistently and avoidably late. For me it meant being better organised,allowing succient time,boundaries and letting go of perfectionism.
Don't beat yourself up about being pulled up on your poor time keeping ,use it to improve for you and your kids. It will get easier.

I thought the same about the shoes.
I was in a very similar situation a few years ago when mine were little.
I had a toddler who wasn't walking due to his disability and had to get my older two who were seven and four at the time to school and preschool.
Mornings were just crazy like OP describes and in all the mad rush to get them there on time I actually forgot to put the little one his shoes on.
I put him in his buggy and my middle child distracted me at the last minute.
It was only when we arrived at preschool to drop middle child off that I realised little one was sat in his buggy with just socks. Thankfully it was warm weather.
The nursery staff were horrified that I had forgotten to put his shoes on. They made me feel like a neglectful parent.

Who are the “everyone”

Does the everyone include those with one or two children

Not everyone has a baby a toddler and a young child to get ready on their own.

So this🖕

You've never failed. never?

This is what we call a fib.

Oh god. The fact that you have a stomach in knots says it all - you are not neglectful and if they scratch the surface they will see this. You’re doing all you can while in the trenches. A few minutes is nothing and it sounds like one or two changes to routine (feed shifting, toddler deciding they will play ball) and you’ll be there on time. Can you speak to the teacher on your own terms (ie not let them ambush you after a stressful morning!) and explain the situation - they will probably want to know you’re aware and doing your best to mitigate things making you late

Absolutely no judgement here but you need to plan to be early by at least 10 minutes. We spend at least 5-10 minutes waiting outside the school gates every day and it's boring especially in this weather but we are also never late. Set an alarm on your phone for 5 minutes before you want to leave the house and then just start chucking people in the buggy whether they are fully ready or not. No one will bat an eyelid at a 2 year old in PJs or a baby breastfeeding sat on a wall or bench/in a sling.

Is it an option to ask another school parent to pick your child up on the way? It's likely that there may be someone literally walking past your house every day who could help, and if they just have one school aged child they may enjoy having another kid to chat to. Or can you sign your child up to breakfast club, and then you can get your child to school at any point between 8-9 every day? It may be easier to just wake up, run them to school with the others in PJs then sort them out after.

Not an excuse.
You put the baby in the pram and delay the feed
You get a double buggy and put toddler in it, or take it out with no shoes on. Carry sandals for 10 metres time when they decide that is uncomfortable.
You leave the house earlier
You do what you need to do to get your child to school on time.

I remember saying to my 4 year old one time, that we were early for school and she said what does early mean mummy?! It obviously wasn't a common occurance in the preschool years. I think when days are so full its very easy to cram everything in and always leave just on time, but it doesnt work. I changed my mindset to always leave 10 minutes earlier than I think, and it was probably the kindest thing I did for myself in those early years, suddenly life was much calmer. I didnt apply it just to the school run, I applied it to everytime I left the house and it sounds ridiculous to say it but it was life changing!! x

I did it - DD1 reception DS 2 and DD2 young baby - DH working away in week no family nearby for backup - and then subsquent years as well.

You have to have an eye on the clock and build in time for things to go wrong.

Op appears to be trying to arrive just in time and I really can't see how that works with kids that young let alone with walking in which we also did - as they do have days the go slower or faster.

It is stressful but building in that extra time to do things and get places - really does help.

It also made an impression as well on kids as by secondary got there well before doors opened in comparsison to their peer often up to 30 minutes late despite walking in.

I know you said you will bow out so may not get an answer but genuine question here.

How narrow is the time window to get into the school?
My two are both pre school age but there is a primary school at the end of the road and from what I can see there teachers stand outside the school gate welcoming kids in over a roughly 10 minute window so if you were getting their 5 minutes early rather than 3-7 minutes late there may not be any waiting around?

Ive never failed a young person no. We have young people who have been out of mainstream for years....if we can help them to attend and they begin regulary attending with us, they achieve a qualification with me. I call that a great success. Going from nothing to attending regulary and achieving a qualification is phenomenal, but so is seeing the change in their self esteem, confidence and the way they carry themselves.

I second this. My resolution three yar ago was just this and it is indeed life-changing

So you have a screaming baby a screaming toddler that is out in minus degree temperatures without shoes on and a small child who is probably from listening to their siblings screaming with hunger cold and frustration.

Way to start a day. But at least they are early

But if they are early all the parents waiting with their children and the teachers have to listen to the screaming and crying as well.

Well yes the answer is obviously that she needs to leave earlier. But getting 3 kids up and ready to leave the house can definitely be difficult.

Stop being so melodramatic. It's this that stops people getting the needful done. Wake up 10 minutes earlier, breastfeed/bottlefeed baby in bed or give them a bottle to take on the walk to school, put the 2 little ones into a double buggy, give the toddler some fruit/cereal bar and sneak their shoes or at least some socks on then head out. It's not minus temps in most of the uk right now and they're hardly going to burst anyone's eardrums on an open playground whilst you wait for the doors to open even if they are fuming at you so stop catstrophising. Honestly when did we start finding it so difficult to cope with the basics of life?!

Thats not the same thing.

I'm saying if someone says no - that's it - you can't FORCE them to comply. Sure you're aware of demand avoidance, regardless of the long term, if they say no, you're screwed and you can't get them in to school.

The point being - it doesn't matter if you're late for school. not really. not in the big scale of things

And this poor OP Mum worrying about being put on a list? Give me a break, sometime soon we all as parents have ACTUAL problems to deal with and it sure as hell is not this.

Completely agree with this. Her post was pathetically soft and an eye roller.

Also as a Russian woman the remarks about the temperature humoured me.

Since when did getting your kids to school become such a challenge in life? Never heard so many excuses than on this thread. They don’t want to leave the house? Make them. Who is the adult here 🙄

I'm similar in that I had (very recently) a baby that never slept, toddler and school age child. The only thing I'd delay leaving for school for was a stinky nappy, everything else I strapped them in a double buggy screaming and just went for it! If it helps mine are now 2, 3 and 9 and its 100 times easier and we havent been late for a long time.
I'd cut yourself a lot of slack but just accept there might be screaming on the school run!

Sounds so tough, I could never be a teacher, hats off and applause to everyone in the teaching profession still sticking it out!

Get up earlier and put things out the night before its not difficult

It will happen to all parents who's kids are late regulary or sometimes don't turn up at all, it happens in workplaces too

I feel you ! I'm in the same position and we had a condescending "we all make mistakes" comment from the teacher when we practiced the wrong spelling words. I'm barely surviving, so they're lucky we even practiced any ! I wouldn't worry at all. You're going your best and our school are exactly the same, they are pressured with things like lateness and attendance because of government targets and league tables. Just keep going and don't stress about lateness you are doing a brilliant job ! As a workmate said "there worse things in the world to worry about than being a bit late"