Expecting DH to do the majority of the housework?

[BraOffPjsOn]

So after a row I wanted to get advice.
When I increased my days back at work (4 days but working 40-50 hours a week), we agreed he would take on the housework leaving me with 1 day off in the week without the kids (school) to do any extra work I needed to get done.

DH has been super grumpy lately anyway and then today said how I don’t appreciate him doing housework (I do but I don’t have time to praise every little thing). And that he doesn’t think it’s fair that he works full time (gone to 4 days with two during the week so 2 days without kids. 1 was meant to do housework and the other whatever he wants).
I am off the weekends but have to look after the kids, take them out, swimming lessons etc. He has said today that I just laze around and they’re on screens and I do nothing. I do tidy (he’s messy but doesn’t realise - just moves things from place to place, I clean the bathrooms, do end of week washing, cooking Friday - Sunday.

We are both off Sundays.
He works in a supermarket - slightly above min wage - 36 hours a week - when he leaves work that’s it - nothing to do or think about.

I am a special needs teacher (which I’m new to) and it’s physically and mentally full on! I get to my day off and do some work and sometimes meet a friend for coffee - or flop on the sofa. I only took this job and went to 4 days because we agreed he would do the cleaning and I’d get my work done so we’d have more evenings together. It’s not about the money but more the workload and hours. I do earn a lot more but we agreed it would be worth it.

So am I being unreasonable? Should he be doing the cleaning on one of his days off?
Today, he’s changed the beds, turned the washing machine on and hoovered and gone for coffee.

I think it’s unreasonable to expect to do it all to be honest, and I’d say that no matter what, it’s both of your responsibility and should be split.

So you both work 4 days you in a school and him in retail so you should split the housework or hire a cleaner

I found it caused fewer rows if we just split the tasks up and knew what we had to do each.

Agree that you do all laundry including bedding/collecting from bedrooms/washing and putting away, dishwasher and bathrooms for example and he does all cooking including meal planning and shopping, hoovering and kitchen cleaning for example. You can agree what seems doable within your non work time and the resentment won’t set in because it’s always known who has to do what.

More general tidying kids toys, wiping down the sides etc can just be done as and when needed by whoever

You both work 4 days, so all childcare and housework should be 50/50. You sound very resentful of his job.

I think yabu to say you work 4 days a week, but then actually work 5 days. I'd be annoyed if my partner was meant to have a day off in the week, but always ended up working.

I think you need to accept that his level of housework isn't to your standard/how you would do it and just split the jobs.

Regardless of the agreement someone is not happy so you have to compromise.

If you both work full time it should be split. Maybe like a 60:40 him vs. you if overall you do more hours. If this week he’s changed the beds, hoovered and done some laundry and you’ve done bathrooms, tidying the rest of the laundry that doesn’t seem too bad to me?? Maybe easier to work our exactly who is responsible for what going forwards but I don’t see any massive issue and expecting him to do it all when he works full time (ish) in retail, which is reasonably physical, doesn’t seem particularly fair.

Am I understanding this right - the issue is that your three days "off" are e.g. Friday, Saturday, Sunday and his are e.g. Sunday, Monday, Tuesday. So while you both have the same number of days off, one of yours (Saturday) is sole childcare so you only have Friday to yourself, whereas he has Monday and Tuesday?

If this is the case then I think YANBU, you should both agree to give yourselves one "me" day in the week (I would love that!) - akin to personal spending money in the family budget! And then you both agree to do as much as you can for the family, whether that's active childcare or cleaning or whatever, on the other days.

Its that chip on her shoulder that every teacher has i work so much more then anyone else, my jobs so much harder then anyone else, I'm more tired then anyone else but I can be on mumsnet at 3pm in the middle of the week. My husband only works in retail so he doesn't do anything and he doesn't understand what hard work is blah blah blah

You both work the same number of hours so all housework should be 50:50, but I’d also include running around after DC in that.

If you do more of things like taking them to clubs and hobbies he should maybe do more housework - but not ALL of it!

Ultimately you should both have the same amount of “free time”.

If you’re choosing to use some of your free time to do extra work that’s on you and he shouldn’t need to pick up the slack to accommodate.

If your workload cannot be done in your day days then you need to request an increase to your contracted hours and pay.

Yes this is what it is.
I have said to him maybe we rethink this and he get a different job and I’ll change jobs too with a job with no work outside of work hours and I’ll do the cleaning. But he doesn’t want that as he wants a bigger house which is coming from my extra money. So I feel I can’t win and he doesn’t understand jobs where you can’t just go home and forget all about it.

i can see where others think it should be split - I do a lot of the stuff he doesn’t even notice and I’ve had to let my expectations slide. But I took this job with the extra money and hours under the agreement that he would do the general cleaning - hoovering, changing beds, mopping, worktops.

We don’t work the same hours - I work a lot more. In teaching you don’t get paid more to do the planning, marking, making resources, assessing. It’s just all part of the job. Which is why I’ve said to him that maybe we need to rethink our jobs and switch places.

When I returned to work full time I hired a cleaner. I knew DH wouldn’t clean on his days off and I don’t want to either. The cleaner has massively taken the pressure off and we both get to enjoy our days off

I think a lot of you are missing that OP does do housework:

I do tidy (he’s messy but doesn’t realise - just moves things from place to place, I clean the bathrooms, do end of week washing, cooking Friday - Sunday.

So she is already pulling her weight here, and just asking that on one of his child-free days he does the hoovering etc.

I think that's already a pretty fair division of labour, but how about you sit down with him and actively split up the tasks, make it clear that you are doing washing/cooking/cleaning too.

But isn't that what shes whingeing at that he should do more/all the housework because shes a teacher and he doesn't understand as he only works in retail at minimum wage

Surprised that people think it should be split 50 50.

You do up to 50 hours, he does 36. But if your kids are at an age where they need looking after, then childcare is work as well. So you do 50 plus half of a joint day of childcare sat plus a whole day on your own Sunday. So say plus 18 hours = 68. And he does half a day on a Saturday say 6 hours = 42. So he has roughly 28 more hours free than you a week.

So it seems mad to me that he can't fit in the housework in some of those hours, and still have loads of time free. So in my opinion, of course he should do the majority of housework.

Provided that you're still cleaning up after yourself (eg not leaving dishes and cups out because it's 'his job') and its not true that you're sticking the kids on screens when you've got them on your own on Sunday

No not at all. He’s the one who has had a go at me (which is why I’m posting during my PPA as I’m upset and trying to get other points of view).
I just mean the jobs which are easier without kids around - hoovering, mopping, clean worktops etc. But he’s saying he shouldn’t have to do that.

He has 2 days off in the week with no children to look after. She has 3 days off, one of which the children are in school and the other 2 she has the children, plus it is the weekend with clubs etc.

I think you need to sit down and talk because he could easily have a day to himself if he was more proactive and productive on one of his days off. As for you sitting on your arse perhaps film yourself on time lapse doing the jobs you are doing.

You can get a lot done during school hours it is pretty much 6 hours. YANBU to want him to take on a load. His job finishes when he walks out the supermarket door, OP's job carries on with marking and lesson planning etc.

No, she's saying that

• he has two days free and she only has one
• his job can be left at work, whereas she has to bring work home
• he doesn't want her to drop her hours further or change job as she is the higher earner and he wants a big house

Equal leisure time is the starting premise. You each get one day off and split the workload (inside and outside the home on the other days) fairly.

What work are you doing on your day off? Could it be done on site, if you stayed 15-30 minutes later?

It could but I’m already doing 10-11 hours days in school and if I did that work there too then I’d miss seeing the kids as they go to bed.
So that’s why I’ve been trying to go in really early (7/7:30) and then get back by 5:30/6 so I can see them.

Im confused - you both work 4 days a week but he has to do all the housework because he works weekends so you have the school age kids? Yabu imo though if your husband agreed to it im not sure why he is going back on it, have you asked him?

You both want a whole day off of no jobs and no kids - well welcome to the real world!

I cannot wrap my head around people playing 'who has it the worst' can people really not just pull together and do what needs to be done? Do you see time with your kids as part of your chores?

If you cant work together then have your own job lists that you can do at your own leisure, or relax your standards/get a cleaner. Yabu to expect one person to do all the housework in 1 day though -bathrooms, kitchens surelu need doing more than oncd a week??

You need to somehow figure it out so you get an equal amount of free time. You say he has 2 child-free days but it sounds like he must get the kids ready in the morning and collect them from school given your hours?

Sounds like you resent him having a low paid job.

Reading between the lines OP (and correct me if ive got it wrong), I sense that you would be happy to transition to a job which was still 4 days but less mentally demanding (so no working outside of hours, etc).

However, this would mean less money - and your husband wants a certain lifestyle that can only be financed by you doing a stressful job.

But he doesn’t get to specify this. I’d be clear to him what you need for him to make this workable for you. Otherwise, you will be looking to move to a more “clock-in, clock-out” job.

You are not just a paycheque and you are both a team of equals. It sounds like you’re struggling and need support - and i wouldn’t shy away from saying this.