Expecting DH to do the majority of the housework?

[BraOffPjsOn]

So after a row I wanted to get advice.
When I increased my days back at work (4 days but working 40-50 hours a week), we agreed he would take on the housework leaving me with 1 day off in the week without the kids (school) to do any extra work I needed to get done.

DH has been super grumpy lately anyway and then today said how I don’t appreciate him doing housework (I do but I don’t have time to praise every little thing). And that he doesn’t think it’s fair that he works full time (gone to 4 days with two during the week so 2 days without kids. 1 was meant to do housework and the other whatever he wants).
I am off the weekends but have to look after the kids, take them out, swimming lessons etc. He has said today that I just laze around and they’re on screens and I do nothing. I do tidy (he’s messy but doesn’t realise - just moves things from place to place, I clean the bathrooms, do end of week washing, cooking Friday - Sunday.

We are both off Sundays.
He works in a supermarket - slightly above min wage - 36 hours a week - when he leaves work that’s it - nothing to do or think about.

I am a special needs teacher (which I’m new to) and it’s physically and mentally full on! I get to my day off and do some work and sometimes meet a friend for coffee - or flop on the sofa. I only took this job and went to 4 days because we agreed he would do the cleaning and I’d get my work done so we’d have more evenings together. It’s not about the money but more the workload and hours. I do earn a lot more but we agreed it would be worth it.

So am I being unreasonable? Should he be doing the cleaning on one of his days off?
Today, he’s changed the beds, turned the washing machine on and hoovered and gone for coffee.

Can you work out exactly how many hours on average you work a week including everything you have to do at home, then write it all down and show him, if he sees in black and white how many more hours you work it might help x

If you can afford it, get a cleaner once a week or fortnight to relieve the pressure on both of you.

There’s no right answer as the balance for every couple is different. Dh and I both work ft but found a way to split responsibilities so one of us is accountable for certain things, eg. Making sure clothes are clean for school on Monday morning… that doesn’t mean the other one doesn’t shove a load on.
in our house:
dh
Cooks when I’m working late and dc need to eat before clubs
All admin for dd2’s clubs - cadets/DofE
Any forms that need completing (I hate filling it forms)
taking dc to dentist/optician (more flex in his role)
Most packed lunches
insurance renewals
clothes washing

me
ensuring we have food
House admin and payments
budgeting
all dd3 club admin dance x4
recently I was leading driving lessons/booking test/helping ucas form (dh was stressing dd1 out so I took over)
coordination of child logistics planning and dog sitting
cleaning above what weekly cleaner does (weekly cleaner was a non negotiable when I upped my hours).

dh and I find this balance generally works but when one of us is drowning (or when I was studying for my masters dh definitely picked up more) we have each other’s back.

I don't know any teacher who doesn't do hours of unpaid work, and I've been a teacher for 30 years. It's impossible to do the job even vaguely properly without doing hours of unpaid work, partly because of the absurd amount of admin that teachers now need to do.

I think many posters are missing the fact that OP's days off are not the same as DH's days off. DH gets a couple of days off when the kids are at school. OP's days off are over the weekends, so it's not the same type of day off because she's busy with the kids because DH is working. So she doesn't get as much time to herself as DH does. So I agree that DH should do more of the housework.

There are literally teachers on here saying they dont do it. I know a bloody amazing teacher who goes in 30mins earlier a day mon- thurs and thats it, so 4 extra hours a weem. He feels he is a better, more engaged and passionate teacher when hes not exhausted. Just because you dont know any, doesnt mean they arent decent teachers. Everyone has different skills msybe theirs are efficiency & time managent - who knoss!

I thought they both work a 4 day week. Both have Sunday off. OP has Saturday off when the kids are in the house, but her DH thinks she just puts them in front of the TV and mulches all day. And a midweek day when she should get to do as she pleases but tends to tidy up and do planning work for her job.

DH gets two days off midweek, one of which he’s supposed to be able to do as he pleases and one of which he is supposed to do housework but OP thinks he barely touches it and just mulches.

I’m not saying it’s equal, just that it’s not quite how you’ve described.