Expecting DH to do the majority of the housework?

[BraOffPjsOn]

So after a row I wanted to get advice.
When I increased my days back at work (4 days but working 40-50 hours a week), we agreed he would take on the housework leaving me with 1 day off in the week without the kids (school) to do any extra work I needed to get done.

DH has been super grumpy lately anyway and then today said how I don’t appreciate him doing housework (I do but I don’t have time to praise every little thing). And that he doesn’t think it’s fair that he works full time (gone to 4 days with two during the week so 2 days without kids. 1 was meant to do housework and the other whatever he wants).
I am off the weekends but have to look after the kids, take them out, swimming lessons etc. He has said today that I just laze around and they’re on screens and I do nothing. I do tidy (he’s messy but doesn’t realise - just moves things from place to place, I clean the bathrooms, do end of week washing, cooking Friday - Sunday.

We are both off Sundays.
He works in a supermarket - slightly above min wage - 36 hours a week - when he leaves work that’s it - nothing to do or think about.

I am a special needs teacher (which I’m new to) and it’s physically and mentally full on! I get to my day off and do some work and sometimes meet a friend for coffee - or flop on the sofa. I only took this job and went to 4 days because we agreed he would do the cleaning and I’d get my work done so we’d have more evenings together. It’s not about the money but more the workload and hours. I do earn a lot more but we agreed it would be worth it.

So am I being unreasonable? Should he be doing the cleaning on one of his days off?
Today, he’s changed the beds, turned the washing machine on and hoovered and gone for coffee.

Surely between the time of both of your days off the daily maintenance of housework is manageable? If DC are at school then DH doesn't have to spend all day for 4 days cleaning, same with you at the weekend. Between you there are 6 work free days so whoever is at home keeps on top of it. Xxx

@mamajong That's just not how it works for teaching and many other professional jobs. Some jobs are like that. As OP has said repeatedly, she could do a different job but this one pays better.

OP, it sounds like your current situation is fair. It might be worth going through what needs doing with him (including your job work as that is necessary for you to be paid), so that you can both see how much time you are getting to yourselves.

Go full time, get paid properly and stop working on your day off. Tell him to step up or pay for a cleaner.

The point of a day off is to have a day off. There's no point spending it working, you might as well work 5 days. Especially with the long hours on the other 4 days. Stop working as much.

Theres clearly bigger issues about your DH, but you're in control of your work.

If you're starting out you probably do. Creating banks or resources takes serios time.

OP, please get a cleaner. The stress isn't worth it.

I'm a teacher, the internet is full of stuff. Use it! No point reinventing the wheel.

I don't think it is another issue. He seems to be complaining that he doesn't get time to himself and you get to do as you please and when you have the kids just stick the telly on. Whereas you think that's what he does with the kids and your "free day" in the week is taken up with work. The school holidays seems to be the same thing but on a different scale.

Am I right that you have talked about this properly but just don't believe/accept the other's account of their life when home without the other (he doesn't seem to "believe" that you have prep work you have to do, thinks you basically have free time at the weekend with the kids sat in front of the telly, you think he does nothing with the kids and doesn't do a days worth of housework)? Would a marriage counselor help?

I'm inclined to think he's lazy about "women's work" and doesn't really accept the work you do outside of the classroom. Because it's very typical of men. But also that you should be doing the housework in the holidays - even if you're out with the kids a lot, you should be able to fit in a day a week to do what he normally does, so wonder about your perception too. A mediated conversation might be able to help you both see the other's perspective.

You both work full time, you should share the housework.

If your days off are taken up with childcare, it's fair for him to do more, but not all of it.

There's nothing wrong with his job, you sound a bit scathing of it.

I imagine you're both tired, can you make a plan together? Neither of you are working super long hours, it seems like you should be able to fit in housework around. What worked for us was that whichever parent wasn't doing bedtime spent half an hour cleaning at the time, so we could both sit down after.

I’d love your last suggestion but if I ever stayed downstairs to do the cleaning - bedtime would be really stressful with him shouting at the kids.
Another issue I know but I’m trying to get him to be more positive and not so negative and shouty with him.

I think you were right when you said in an earlier post that this resentment is about more than him cleaning.

I know it sounds counterintuitive, but if your so is struggling to get the dc to settle at bedtime, he needs to do bedtime more not less. Obviously he needs to commit to not behaving in an emotionally abusive way (if this is your worry then ignore this advice and ltb) but he'll never get the hang of settling them without practice.

We used to take turns, I think that's the fairest way.

He’s taking the biscuit and you know it. Tell him you’re reducing your hours as he’s not kept up his side of the bargain.

The problem here is your job. How many paid hours a week do you work ? 24?
YABU if you expect your DH to cook and clean whilst you choose to do 20+ hours unpaid work.
If your job cannot be completed in your paid hours you need a conversation with your employer.

I agree with this too. It sounds like he thinks working his 36 hours represents a full contribution. He might “help out” with bits & bobs around the house but he expects you to be grateful (ie he sees it as “over-and-above”).

But this is not enough from an adult partner and parent - male or female.

Wait, the problem is her job? That she sometimes has to do some work on her single child-free day, and the work is preventing her doing more housework? Is that what you're saying?

That the housework she does at the weekends and holidays isn't enough?

That it's unreasonable for her to ask her partner, who works fewer hours, and takes less responsibility for the kids, does a few hours of house work on one of his 2 days off without the children?

Let me check that that really is what you're saying?

Ohhh vinted didn't read - she does 40-50 hours - a full time role (these aren't normally hourly anyway). She spends her 1 child-free day off doing a bit of work, then hoping for a bit of time for herself, as she spends the weekend days off looking after the children as her partner is working at least Saturday, and often Sunday.

He has 2 days off in the week. She wants him to push the hoover round and do some housework on one of them. He is complaining about this.

You’re both behaving like children. When my children were young the furthest thing from my mind was how much leisure time I deserved. Split the chores and the childcare and stop moaning about the stress of your job - you chose it- no-one strong armed you into it.

This isn’t true. The OP says she has spoken to her husband about getting a job that expects less unpaid overtime from her - but he isn’t happy with the pay-cut.

And her husband is not doing half of the housework & childcare (whilst also earning less and doing less hours).

Think if you read again. She works 40-50hrs per week 20+ of those unpaid at home.

I do a 'professional' job i know how the world works and i know plenty of teachers who dont do hours of unpaid work. I also know some who do and make a rod for their own back and it becomes the norm - this is a choice, teachers have unions who can support if you are being forced to do unpaid hours! Teaching attracts caring people who want to go above and beyond but you have to set boundaries for yourself imo.

No, I thought not.
If he wants a bigger house, he can get a higher-paid job and/or work more hours.
He's taking the piss.

Op works many more hours over those days

I worked in retail for 9 years. Yes you don't have work to do once you leave, except maybe make sure you have clean uniform for the next shift but it is exhausting being polite to customers all say. I think sharing the load between you us the way forward. Maybe your DH won't do things exactly as you would,but how does anyone ever improve if they don't get the chance to practice. Let him do more bed times with the kids. Your posts do seem to imply a bit of martyr syndrome.

To be honest, none of it really makes any sense to me. if he's complaining about doing housework, what is there to be done at the weekend??

What I find even more strange is that they have days 'off', my husband and I spent 18 years working and running around after the kids, where do these days off come from? It wasn't until they went to Uni that we had regular time to ourselves.

@BraOffPjsOn let me see if I’m getting this right he wants you to work more hours in a hard job to make more money to buy a bigger house he also wants you to do all the childcare, cooking and general running round after everyone while he’s doing what exactly sitting round all day enjoying his days off he’s a lazy bastard who wants to shirk his responsibilities and leave it all to you nah fuck that lark tell him it’s all 50/50 and to stop moaning when he does very little and wants a pat on the head for little bit that he does pathetic arse.

This is how I feel although from lots of the posts I’m being unreasonable.
I don’t expect him to do everything and I carry all the mental load for everything, I do all the DIY.
Im not trying to not do my share at home and I value his input as both of us juggling is how the house works.

From some of the posts though I’m starting to wonder if a career shouldn’t be for me. Maybe to save my marriage I need to get a full time job for 20k less where I’m doing 36 hours contracted so that it’s completely equal and I’ll work the other day of the weekend because that’s most jobs so we won’t see each other and the kids can go to holiday clubs full time - which I know currently is a massive perk of my job that I can do all the childcare in the holidays.

I’ve felt for a long time that I can’t have it all but it was more my own career and being there enough for my kids but I never thought I’d be having to rethink my life because of a man.