Expecting DH to do the majority of the housework?

[BraOffPjsOn]

So after a row I wanted to get advice.
When I increased my days back at work (4 days but working 40-50 hours a week), we agreed he would take on the housework leaving me with 1 day off in the week without the kids (school) to do any extra work I needed to get done.

DH has been super grumpy lately anyway and then today said how I don’t appreciate him doing housework (I do but I don’t have time to praise every little thing). And that he doesn’t think it’s fair that he works full time (gone to 4 days with two during the week so 2 days without kids. 1 was meant to do housework and the other whatever he wants).
I am off the weekends but have to look after the kids, take them out, swimming lessons etc. He has said today that I just laze around and they’re on screens and I do nothing. I do tidy (he’s messy but doesn’t realise - just moves things from place to place, I clean the bathrooms, do end of week washing, cooking Friday - Sunday.

We are both off Sundays.
He works in a supermarket - slightly above min wage - 36 hours a week - when he leaves work that’s it - nothing to do or think about.

I am a special needs teacher (which I’m new to) and it’s physically and mentally full on! I get to my day off and do some work and sometimes meet a friend for coffee - or flop on the sofa. I only took this job and went to 4 days because we agreed he would do the cleaning and I’d get my work done so we’d have more evenings together. It’s not about the money but more the workload and hours. I do earn a lot more but we agreed it would be worth it.

So am I being unreasonable? Should he be doing the cleaning on one of his days off?
Today, he’s changed the beds, turned the washing machine on and hoovered and gone for coffee.

You don't have to work those hours in teaching. There's shortcuts and prioritising. If you get paid for 4 days, do 4 days.

Equal leisure time is the starting point for me.

There is an easy answer to this, OP - get a cleaner. Life is too short to faff about with cleaning, and definitely too short to waste time arguing about it.

I love it when people can’t (won’t) read properly.

OP might work 4 days but she works around 14 more hours over those 4 days. She also does cleaning, laundry and cooking on weekends. As well as ferrying the kids to clubs on one her days off.

He works 36 hours over 4 days and has 2 days to do nothing and is complaining that OP is asking him (as he agreed) to do some housework on one of those days.

He also doesn’t want to discuss OP reducing her hours so she can do more of the housework.

If you reached any harder, you’d pull a muscle.

So bizarre how people are missing the point and making things up about the OP!

OP does lots of housework (she lists cleaning bathrooms, laundry in her first post) and she facilitates all kids activities at the weekend when DH is working.

Her DH is complaining because he's expected to do 'some' housework on his days off work - he doesn't think he should have to. We don't know why he feels entitled to have his 'free time' all for himself when he lives in a household with 3 other people.

I'm not sure why anyone thinks OP is the problem here when she has clearly stated she does plenty of housework, childcare and cooking.

Hire a cleaner! It’ll save the bickering.

I do think if he has 2 days off with no kids in the house he should be doing more ie changing beds or whatever.

Yes, they both work 4 days but DH 36 hours to OPs 50 hours. So either DH works 50 as well and they split the housework 50/50 or DH does more as he works 14 hours a week less.

No, that’s not what she’s saying. She’s saying that of her 3 days off a week, 2 of those are weekend days so spent with the children etc., so she would like her other day off to catch up on any work and then relax. While of her husband’s 3 days off a week, 2 of those are weekdays so he already gets time to himself.

So she would like him to do the housework (that she doesn’t do already) on one of his 2 days off without the kids, and then they will each get some time to themselves.

She is also suggesting that she takes a less stressful job but her DH wants a bigger house so she can’t. I mean, heaven forfend he get off his arse and get a better-paying job eh?

So you can't manage to get your work done in the hours you are paid for, so he needs to pick up all the housework responsibilities?

You also seem to sneer at his work as if the salary makes a difference to what each of you needs to pick up, imagine this suggestion if the sexes were reversed! You talk like you are earning like Warren Buffett.

Look, if you have a particularly busy week, I'd be all for him picking up more household chores to support you, but not week in week out. I think its you that needs the introspection.

I can read thanks - reads to me like the OP is choosing to do extra work by going in early and working on their day off, so how about stop doing that for starters!

If the kids are school age they shouldnt need constant care and the DH has said they are on screens a lot at the weekends - did you not read that part. I only saw swimming lessons mentioned, hardly a chore driving and then presumably sitting and chilling with a coffee while they swim.

I hate housework too, i do not consider spending time with my kids as being on anywhere near the same level, plus presumably the husband is 'ferrying' the kids to and from school too!

It's clearly unbalanced, very few parents get a full day off with no childcare and no chores, i honestly think they both need to get real tbh. Chores are tedious but have to be done, work is work but its a choice to work extra unpaid hours but driving your kids to swimming snd spending time with them is not a chore. IMO.

said how I don’t appreciate him doing housework (I do but I don’t have time to praise every little thing).
This jumped out at me.
Does he praise you for looking after the kids, cleaning the bathrooms, doing the washing and cooking at weekends?

She’s in a job where it’s obviously required. So just because she’s dropped down to fewer days, doesn’t necessarily mean fewer hours. And you’re absolutely right about swimming lessons not being a chore but if she’s the only one doing them, as well as doing the cooking and laundry on her day off then it’s only fair her husband should do the equivalent on his.

And she’s already suggested getting a job doing fewer hours so she could up things she does at home but her husband doesn’t like that idea because there’d be less money. He can’t have it both ways.

As a special needs teacher (5 days) I can only commiserate about how utterly exhausting and all encompassing it is. I come home , cook dinner and then collapse. I have to do all my cleaning at the weekend- kids are grown up but 2 still at home. Give him some tasks to do on the his day off and do some on yours.

I mean if we discount the weekend entirely for his time off he spends 50% on housework and 50% for himself and you spend 100% for yourself so I can see why he feels a bit aggrieved. Where you are going wrong is treating it like you both get 2 days. One of your days is Saturday with the kids. No one gets much done with the kids around! So if you break it down into hours and say you get 7, he gets 14, you both get 7 of that to yourselves.

Either way, I think it’s a bit unreasonable to expect one person to do 100% of the chores so I think YABU.

If both of you actually do the cleaning at the same time, i.e. one does upstairs, other down, washing can go on at the same time. Get DCs (depending on age) to put all their stuff away and strip their beds for washing and dust their rooms if possible. It shouldn't take very long (2/3 hours max). Set a time limit as to how long it will take.

This way it is only the morning or afternoon and everyone takes part and no resentment. Cooking should be started by whoever gets home first. Clearing up after meals should also be everyone doing something.

No never - this is why I said it.
My mum has the same with my dad - she has a management role and commutes too and she finds my dad tells her the little things he does in the house all the time.

I know he shouldn’t do it all and he doesn’t. I wish my day off was the start of the week as then I wouldn’t be clearing up the mess that ja T seems to be left for me on my day off - I’ve started trying to clean the kitchen the night before my day off so it’s not so gross on my weekday off. We only have a small house and I’m not sure I want a bigger one as this is obviously already too much. Kids aren’t actually too bad as they’re at before school club some of the week and watching tv after school anyway.

OP, what happens during school holidays...and..yes...I do appreciate that teachers do work sometimes during the holidays.
But do you still expect your husband to do all the housework during these holidays?

I think it's sad that you make it sound like a competition on who gets the most time without the kids.

We only have Sundays together so this is a harder task as we try to go out somewhere as a family.
I always cook on Sundays which I have mentioned before as I’d like to take turns so I don’t have to think about it occasionally,

I take the kids out a lot and do lots of activities with them bur DH never takes them out alone even in the holidays and then he’s gets cross that he never gets a break.

I think there’s probably a lot more that’s bothering me than just him wanting to do less cleaning.

I don’t care what job he does but would like him to appreciate my job being what it is workload wise.

I don't the big deal about keeping a home clean and who does what. Everyone contributes to the mess/grubbyness. So every human does some cleaning (under 8s to help put things away). So if you only have one day as a family, split the jobs timewise? Include the cooking. Even when mine were under 5 it would only take me a full 3 hours to do the cleaning and washing when left to myself. Little ones need more parent time I know.

No - it's her husband complaining that she's asking him to do that housework on one of his days off, he doesn't want to, and she's saying that he should be doing some.

She wasn't complaining about the stuff she did, she was complaining about the stuff he didn't do.

I agree he should be doing far more. As he has more time at home he should also be doing food prep, and not leaving all the cleaning to his DW.

Spending time with your children isn't a chore, but it's also not free time. Driving to swimming lessons absolutely is a chore. Sitting up on the balcony in the humidity for 30 minutes isn't fun for anyone (ask my younger child who used to have to do it with me while waiting for his brother)

I used it to do online shopping and stuff, trying to make the best of the time, but it's absolutely not equivalent either to actually spending time with my kids, or, having a day off while they are at school.

Also she wasn't being snobby about his job, she was just pointing out that when you're working in a supermarket, you go in, do your job, and come home. When you're a special needs teacher (and many other jobs) you have stuff that you have to do/think about out of hours quite often. They are different jobs with different expectations.

I do almost all the housework in the school holidays and cooking - he might hoover once a fortnight then but expects me to do it all - which I’m sure if I should as I’m technically off. But a lot of the time in the holidays I’m out with the kids and he gets home and gets some time to himself - whereas he’ll never take them somewhere to give me time to myself even in the holidays.

But that’s another issue.

How can it obviously be required to do unpaid extra hours?! Surely thats not legal, if its required it should be contracted and paid or overtime paid.

I have an extensive commute so i understand long days but i love my job and chose it and like the money. Im currently single and do all the chores, i dont understand how it needs 2 whole days. Ive clearly said they BOTH need to pull their weight and just get on with it rather than both playing the 'who has it harder' game which no one wins.

I maintain taking kids to swimming lessons is not the same as spending your day off doing all the chores. Fwiw i work 5 days a week and have weekends with the kids - it doesnt take 2 days to do everything, probably half a day max if i keep on top of it in the week.

They just both need to get a grip imo, both sound entitled