Expecting DH to do the majority of the housework?

[BraOffPjsOn]

So after a row I wanted to get advice.
When I increased my days back at work (4 days but working 40-50 hours a week), we agreed he would take on the housework leaving me with 1 day off in the week without the kids (school) to do any extra work I needed to get done.

DH has been super grumpy lately anyway and then today said how I don’t appreciate him doing housework (I do but I don’t have time to praise every little thing). And that he doesn’t think it’s fair that he works full time (gone to 4 days with two during the week so 2 days without kids. 1 was meant to do housework and the other whatever he wants).
I am off the weekends but have to look after the kids, take them out, swimming lessons etc. He has said today that I just laze around and they’re on screens and I do nothing. I do tidy (he’s messy but doesn’t realise - just moves things from place to place, I clean the bathrooms, do end of week washing, cooking Friday - Sunday.

We are both off Sundays.
He works in a supermarket - slightly above min wage - 36 hours a week - when he leaves work that’s it - nothing to do or think about.

I am a special needs teacher (which I’m new to) and it’s physically and mentally full on! I get to my day off and do some work and sometimes meet a friend for coffee - or flop on the sofa. I only took this job and went to 4 days because we agreed he would do the cleaning and I’d get my work done so we’d have more evenings together. It’s not about the money but more the workload and hours. I do earn a lot more but we agreed it would be worth it.

So am I being unreasonable? Should he be doing the cleaning on one of his days off?
Today, he’s changed the beds, turned the washing machine on and hoovered and gone for coffee.

I don’t know what is going on with MN lately but no matter what you do your wrong. But your not and no do not give up your job for that pathetic little fanny he knows how a hoover works he knows how to take care of the kids and make a meal he just wants you to play the good dutiful wife go out and earn all the money work yourself into the ground taking care of everything and he does nothing. That’s not how things work he needs to be reminded that everything is 50/50 and he needs to do his fair share without moaning about it like a man baby. What exactly is he bringing to your table because if it’s nothing noteworthy then do you really need to let him sit at it?

Thank you for this. I know I’m upset and emotional. I do feel if I was the man this would all seem different following the stereotypes.

I love my job. I’ve been teaching a long time and love it - but I’ve started in a new role in a special school and I always have and will go above and beyond. My class deserve it. I can’t do the bare minimum that apparently some teachers do (although I don’t know any who work so little). That is why (I feel) we are well paid but only contracted when the kids are in the classroom.
I can’t believe people on here feel I should do less work and make a poor effort - surely those with school age children value the teachers who make learning fun and exciting and take the time to adapt everything correctly.

I think it would be tough being a single parent and juggling more but at least I’d only be tidying after the kids and I and during the week we’d all be out so the house wouldn’t take much anyway.
On the plus side if this is how it pans out I have a well paid job and could support the kids.

You’re welcome don’t let anyone tell you that you’re in the wrong and you should just let him get away with doing the bear minimum. I don’t know any teachers who don’t end up doing a load more work when they get home the job doesn’t end when you close the classroom door and you get paid no extra for giving up your evenings to fit everything in. Being a teacher is hard being a special needs teacher is much much harder and people are so quick to jump on here and criticise teachers because they feel like they aren’t doing enough you can’t do right for doing wrong. I really would think long and hard about whether you and the kids would be better in the long run without him if he wants to live like a lazy pig let him go and do it on his own.

As was I and in the 8 yrs I've been retired, I expect teaching has been revolutionised by on-line resources and assessments. Even so, it takes time to read and understand things, especially in the first year or two. Also to gather resources, even from the internet.

How old are the kids,can they not be doing some housework?I'd also start doing things that you enjoy with them on the weekend so that that's not seen as a chore to be added to housework?scrap swimming lessons and just go swimming with them?, Definitely get a cleaner.have a list system so you can both choose the housework fairly but sounds like you need some fun time together too so go out to dinner asap.

You are not being unreasonable!!

you are doing the bathrooms and washing. The washing is a BIG and time consuming job. Whats his job list- changing beds, The kitchen and mopping and vacuum?

you are working 40-50 hours while he works 36? And you are in charge of the kids clubs (do these kids clubs involve washing kit and organising?)

So if you count housework as work YOU ARE STILL DOING MORE.

the only way he can be doing equal amounts is if he’s spending 45mins to an hour a day cooking and washing up and he also is in charge of the meal planning and the shopping?

who carries the mental load of sorting clothes kids grown out of. New shoes (does he know the kids shoe sizes?) new school uniforms and equipment lists. Kids hair cuts, dentist etc. I may have more sympathy for his point of view if he’s carrying all that but if that’s all falling to you then I expect he has no real idea what you are actually doing for the family.

add to that his two days off are in the week with no children and yours is only one on the week with no children and the other is a weekend day solo parenting. He could easily get the housework done on his shorter work days and keep those two days off 100% for himself.

I can’t believe the amount of resposes saying you need to be doing half. It looks like you already do if not more. Your error was saying you want him to do all the housework because reading comprehension is variable and some posters haven’t taken in what you are doing and assumed you do nothing.

if this were the other way around the man would be lorded as a saint and the woman told how very lucky she is. Fuck that

I value teachers who know when to stop. I value teachers with a work life balance who are rested and can react well to the class in front of them. You shouldn't be putting other people's children ahead of your own ever.

I'm a teacher, I'm not criticising you from not getting it, neither am I lazy. But if you're experienced, put the effort where it's worth putting and stop spending days off on teaching. If you worked FT you wouldn't, so don't do it now.

Could you suggest a robot vacuum and mop? This would take half his job list off him and maybe save you some arguments.

get the kids doing chores. Tidying up so the floors are clear for the robot. Helping you hang the washing to dry then fold and put their own stuff away. Strip their own beds and replace the bottom sheet you just do the duvet (my son wets the bed and has been doing this from age 6 independently I just do the duvet for him). Support them to choose a meal and list the ingredients needed for the shop and then cook with them- leading to them taking in a meal each every week when they are old enough.

consider paying a weekly cleaner to do the bathroom and kitchen.

but yeah absolutely write out a list of everything you do with how long it takes you to do and give it to him and ask him to look at it and do the same for his chore breakdown if he still feels you don’t do enough . Do it as part of a conversation where you have suggestions so he doesn’t get defensive and reaction leads to an argument.

if following this he still acts like he’s over burdened and you are ungrateful consider leaving him and make sure he has the kids 50/50. My partner wasn’t passive aggressive about it but genuinely believed he was doing 50% of the housework and got all stroppy when I got sick and had a few weeks where I couldn’t do much. I ended up leaving him. We are back together but not living together and he has our child 50% of overnights. I have sooo much free time!! And I know he only half wants to be with me because he’s had a sharp awakening of how much I was actually doing and now he has to do his own fucking housework. Some men are literally delusional about how much they really do. Or they feel because they do some and they know men who do nothing that is women should be grateful. Nope. You don’t have to put up with that shit. And importantly your kids need to see a man pulling his weight happily and an equal home or boys grow up to treat women that way and girls grow up to accept poor treatment.

Schools are open for 6 hours a day she works 4 day what extra she chooses to do to avoid family life is on her. There are teachers on this thread asking why she is doing this many hours outside her paid hours its not normal or necessary

OP is a SEN teacher. So she’s not just delivering the same curriculum for all children in the class with the same method just a few adaptations for mainstream SEN kids. Her whole class will be SEN all with different needs and different supports. Massively long EHCP documentation attached to each one and the additional paperwork that goes with that. The kids will likely have periods of dysregulation that she’s constantly managing and trying to avoid. Depending on the disabilities there may be personal care, resistance to engage, violence and challenging behaviour beyond what you get in mainstream school.

my sons EHCP says the curriculum has to be structured and delivered around his interests. He soils himself and has violent and challenging behaviour. Imagine teaching a class full of children with such requirements?

it’s not fair to say she should streamline how she works because SEN teachers can’t really work that way.

But sen schools are significantly better staffed so there will be a lot more adults in the classroom helping

We'll agree to disagree but the OP should not be working 4 days and paid for 5. Just stop doing it. There's always corners to be cut and things to prioritise. That's the nature of teaching. No way would I expect staff to be earning 80% wage for 5 days work, SEN or not. This is part of the problem with the system. Meeting the EHCP needs isn't just the OPs problem to solve. Push back if the workload is too high.

I think you are getting a rough ride OP. Decent teachers do care and usually spend a day or at least an afternoon a week working on planning in top of their PPA.

Your OH isn’t pulling their weight. Doesn’t matter what job they have. You are effectively working five days a week (as you’re planning, marking etc) and he is working 4 days. His day off therefore should be spent cleaning, doing whatever needs to be done. In the holidays, you’re more free to do it.

People forget that marriages are about being a team and helping each other, not having to divide everything so rigidly.

YANBU

Decent teachers do care and usually spend a day or at least an afternoon a week working on planning in top of their PPA.

No they don't. When you work FT with a family, where do you get a spare day or even half day from?

Yes teachers work hard, I work 730-430 (or longer) most days. But like fuck would I do any work for half my weekend. Are you mad?

I’m a teacher and love my job but I try and work smarter not harder (easier said than done!) I don’t stay as late as you or rarely do as I’d rather do work once children in bed. I work through most of my lunch because I want more time at the end of the working day in my own house.

Yes the children deserve dedicated teachers but that doesn’t mean doing crazy hours. If you’re paid 4 days you need to look at not using the 5 th day as a work day or at least only some of it.

For all the job advice - I’m hoping once I’ve been in the job in a SEN class that I’ll have built up resources and lessons (providing my cohorts’ needs don’t change entirely). There is nothing from previous years as this was a brand new class and age group for the school, it is complex needs. I am learning on the job as it’s all so new to me so I can’t use the things I could whip out in mainstream.

Eventually I’m sure I’ll get quicker and smarter but for now it all takes time plus trying to find training and online ideas from sensory classroom.

I batch cook for my kids so they have healthy meals when I’m not there and DH just has to heat it up and add rice or pasta and I try to get home for bedtime. I’m doing my best but it’s not good enough - maybe I should have stayed in mainstream hating that children were being failed - but it was easier as I had the experience.

Fair enough and that’s a compromise you’re having to make then with your time. Just look after yourself and give yourself a break.

Are you a teacher?

my experience of teaching (19 years this year) is that you cannot do the work required in the time you are paid to do it in. I’m in FE now and we are all paid by the hour, but with only contact hours paid- no time for planning, prep, assessment or paperwork. That all has to be done in detail for each learner but it’s done outside or on top of the hours we are paid for. And it isn’t work you can just choose to do or not do. In previous jobs I didn’t take any work home, but in order to offer interesting, quality lessons I sometimes had to stay at school until 7pm and gone on Fridays when my dd was at her father’s.
As a full time new teacher I regularly did 14 hour days and had marking to do at weekends. I can assure you, it is both normal and necessary (although not right!) for teachers to work outside of their paid/contracted hours.

@BraOffPjsOn sending sympathy. It really sounds as if you are not being unreasonable. Your H has 2 child free days off in the week plus another day off for family time, so it’s completely unreasonable of him to expect to have both those days free to spend- doing what? Is he skipping around smelling the roses, is he a cyclist!?

What exactly is his reasoning behind his accusations here- why does he think he should have so much more free time than you?

It sounds a bit like you both feel unappreciated and are in competition with each other about who has it harder.
A lot of your posts mention what you do for the household but very little about what dh does, Is this because he doesn't do anything day to day. If you're at work 7/730- 530/6 who does the school drop offs and pick ups? What do dh's days 'look' like on the four days where you are out of the house 11 hours a day. What hours does dh work on his work days.
It sounds like the current situation isn't working for either of you. On the work front, I'd personally be looking for a different job because working 40-50 hours a week when you're getting paid for 24 ( I think) is crazy.

This is the way forward. Growing up, Saturday morning were cleaning time, everyone in the house sorted their allocated spaces, then time for a food shop and by noon everything was sorted.

There was also a massive clean as you go push, you used a dish? Wash it up/put it in the dishwasher.

Daily tasks such as sorting the dishwasher out were done on a first come first served basis, if you opened it and the dishes were clean you’d put them all away, not leave it for someone else etc. Yes some did more and some did less but it usually worked out pretty well in terms of a split as people that were home more would do more of the daily chores.

typing all that out really reminded me of how amazing my mum was as while it may seem strict, none of us felt that way and resentment didn’t build up.

Great points. One thing though OP-I am unsure whether you have trained for a teaching degree to get this (I know there's a difference between being a teacher and an assistant who does some teaching, as I've got friends who do this-of course both roles are amazing but one costs a lot more in time and money to get) so would you really want to give this up, if you did however many years at uni? I know you could maybe go back in a few years, but it might be harder/put some employers off if you've left teaching to do something else. Your choice, but surely this is one of the main things to focus on before deciding?

I’m a qualified teacher so I’ve spent the years at Uni and value my job and what it pays.
I also know the workload is high for a lot of teachers and that’s why thousands of teachers are leaving. I really don’t want to but I think I also need to put in DHs mind what a job with only working contracted hours would look like for our family as the money would be less yes but also we’d be paying for holidays clubs.

I’ll probably speak to him tonight as he’s calmed down and apologised but I feel something has to give now. I can’t have the shouting and negativity around the kids and me and he has to make a choice - if his job is the problem (he moans a lot) he needs to look for another job - and do that himself (although I’m starting to think he’ll moan and find anything stressful) and the kids can do more wraparound care, he can decide if it’s family life making him and all of us miserable and leave or if it’s my job and he’d prefer me to have a job which when hours are done it’s done or to drop days teaching (then I will decide what’s best for me as I feel this could be really telling).

So DH does do most of the school runs - it’s the shifts he asked for and even changed another shift recently and cancelled one of the after school club slots because he could pick up - I used to do it after work which wasn’t an issue (I quite liked it as then I see the kids).

So he drops in 3 mornings a week, I do 2 mornings (1 is before school club so we’re out of the house at 7:30), he picks them up 3 times now (was 2 until he changed it), and I pick them up once on my day off, my mum picks them up the other day.
So I know he’s doing the majority of those but 2/3 days he’s off so it makes sense.
He works 9.5 hour days so we are juggling work around each other and the kids which is hard but I thought was just parenting. He did condense his hours from 5 days to 4 which I had concerns about him doing anyway because of tiredness but he wanted to do it so he’d get the 2 days off in the week.
This has all only changed in the last few months with my new job so before that I was 3 days a week and doing majority childcare and all of the cooking and cleaning and working in the evenings a lot after the kids went to bed.
So it definitely wasn’t equal then either as when he got home he would expect to do nothing.

Oh and just to be clear - when I was 3 days was when we had at least 1 at nursery so on the other 2 days I was looking after them. Now they started school I’ve upped my days.