Eccentric SIL

[ProbablybeingU]

SIL has a very eccentric personality and parenting approach. She is a spiritual person who reads tarot, loves yoga/pilates and is vegan. She has always been a bit “hippy dippy” - although doesn’t look remotely like the stereotypes you’d imagine, she is just a normal woman.

She is very lovely but has a bit of an eccentric approach to parenting. DN is being raised vegan, she used elimination communication from being newborn, doesn’t allow sleepovers or quite frankly anyone to babysit. Niece is 3 years old and as far as I’m aware her Mum has watched her twice over night and that was by staying at BIL and SIL house. Niece has never been in nursery and SIL has just announced plans to home educate.

From what I’m aware all of her friendship group all have children a similar age so niece does socialise a lot with kids of similar age but none of her friends share similar beliefs to SIL and all of their kids attend nursery/school etc.

AIBU to think she’s setting DN up for failure here/perhaps to be singled out? I’m aware kids can be quite nasty.

She'll be fine.

I don’t think parents who home school think they can do better than teachers, but they want to provide something different to the school system which can be pressured and flawed. I don’t think you need to be highly educated to teach your own kids - you just need to be curious and child led.

I never let my kids sleepover at anyone's house.

From the sound of it she could be doing a great job. You don't actually say what her "beliefs" are. Or what your concerns are, if any. It sounds as if you are saying she is eccentric so that is a concern.

What three year old goes on sleepovers?. She doesn't sound that weird tbh. The 'worried about socialisation' for homeschooled kids line is getting old. I have a friend who homeschools and they're super busy with activities and clubs and have plenty of friends.

Absolutely nothing wrong with being unconventional. My mum was pretty unconventional looking back and it didn't cause me any issues.

Gosh you are getting a drubbing. Not entirely fairly IMO. It could go either way. My best friends mum was eccentric and controlling ( she also had too many good sides to list here). BF and 2 sisters have turned out all right. However I have seen some vegan friends impart such strong disapproval of mainstream society that their kids struggle in social situations such as freshers week, flat sharing at Uni etc. So I don’t think your SILs choices are necessarily innocuous, but I think you’d be foolish to meddle, it would only end in a breakdown of your relationship.

Surely she should be applauded for not giving screens to her toddler. She wants to raise her child her own way. If the child is meeting other home schoolers and family then “socialising” her is not an issue. You say you worry she will be bullied, but kids in school can be bullied for anything, and it’s all gotten worse with social media. Why wouldn’t you want to protect your child from all that?

Sometimes parents make the decision if the child finds mainstream school unbearable. I have a child with SEN and I would consider it if secondary school is hell for him. He's ok so far in primary. I think it's a very common reason.

My extremely non-crunchy childminder, did elimination communication with both of her children. She offered to teach all of 'her' parents. We all declined.

But our kids were all potty-trained and fully dry night AND day within 2 weeks of being able to walk reasonably unaided. As soon a kid could reliably get itself to the corner of the room where she kept her potty, she had the conversation with us, she did all the hard work, we just had to reinforce at night and never, ever put the child in a nappy again.

It's not witchcraft - and yet it is.

Your sil's daughter doesn't need sleepovers at 3 and my son would never have even considered staying with a family member overnight at that age, a vegan diet is absolutely bloody brilliant if it's balanced (especially if someone else like your mum is making all your meal's for you), not having screentime is brilliant, home educating is a hard path but brilliant.

I judge your sil for being so capable and sticking to her principles because it's a million times easier not to. Leave her alone.

DN is being raised vegan

We are not remotely 'hippy' or 'eccentric' but our children are vegetarian, its really not that uncommon.

She used elimination communication from being newborn

frankly I do not have the time, energy or patience but it hardly effects me if someone else does it. Same way I didn't terry towel etc...

Doesn’t allow sleepovers

My oldest is 17 and we have never hosted sleepovers and he has never been too one. Sleepovers really aren't that common, I went to one in my entire childhood.

or quite frankly anyone to babysit. Niece is 3 years old and as far as I’m aware her Mum has watched her twice over night and that was by staying at BIL and SIL house

so what? we don't let random people babysit only a lapse parent would. My family are gone and DH are getting old with health issues, his mam has watched our kids twice at our house. Believe it or not there is NOT a huge queue of people that line up to offer free childcare to your children when you have them.

Niece has never been in nursery and SIL has just announced plans to home educate.

Nursery is NOT a requirement, people often use it as childcare to return to work but its not greatly beneficial to a child.

Home school I do find weirder, Ive only known a few with teen kids and their kids severely behind because 'home schooling' just seemingly means 'removing them from school' not actually replacing it with anything. However for example a primary teacher would be perfectly capable of teaching her own kids the syllabus at home etc... (although I doubt they would want to work, come home and work again). Its only by later years there no way you can provide ALL the subject they need in depth as just one person.

Socialization is the bigger worry if removed from school but you said she is socialized.

OP I assume you do not hold children since you make a lot of very odd statements like thinking toddlers have sleepovers and that family just dying to offer free babysitting... they are wild ideas not in line with reality really.

Some sil's feel they know best when it comes to other people way of life, let them all live their life as they see fit. Concentrate on your own immediate family

You don’t relate to their parenting style and clearly don’t understand it but that doesn’t make it wrong or yours right.

Do some reading and research about attachment parenting. It’s really not that weird if you’re open minded and even Katherine Ryan does elimination communication.

Baby wearing, co-sleeping etc all very natural and instinctive ways of parenting.

Your posts are dripping with judgment not just on the parenting but even her career choices.

I wonder if under this ‘concern’ you are actually feeling a bit undermined or judged yourself. Is it making you wonder about some of your choices maybe? How intentional is your parenting style?

I do have some concerns about home educating. I think it can be done really well but it can also be isolating and have a negative impact on education and social development. It sounds like they are doing things in an intentional and thoughtful way so hopefully they have done the research and the planning.

On sleepovers, there’s been lots of threads and conversations on here about them. Some families embrace them early and some don’t. There are safeguarding concerns which impact those decisions.

At 3, some of my friends children have stayed with grandparents or aunties and uncles but not all and that’s fine. Many wouldn’t do a friends sleepover for many more years.

There’s no reason for a 3 year old to stay at your house unless her parents want her to. Maybe they’re picking up on the judgment and disdain for their lifestyle and that’s impacting this.

You are risking family relationships with your approach @ProbablybeingU

Not everyone is in that position though - and that's fine, you do what is right for your family.

By the sound of it, the SIL might be better educated than the teachers.

Maybe you're a bit of a country bumpkin without much life experience? The things you say make her eccentric are very normal for many people, in varying degrees (including the city where I live).

I admire her more and more.

I couldn't bear the societal expectation that my kid should be passed around like a sack of spuds. Especially to those people who, when the baby cries, insists that they can settle him, just give him a minute, he'll settle, he needs to learn - when my baby is getting redder and more upset, arms reaching out to me with little fingers starfish splayed, the person holding him is jiggling him up and down so furiously it's like they're trying to get ketchup out, my boobs start leaking milk in a Pavlovian-response to his tears... Just give me my fucking baby back.

Not giving in to that bullshit and never handing him over is a power move.

Your niece WAS cosy in her sling. Even if awake and alert. She was cosy and settled. Why on earth disrupt that?

I baby wore until I could no longer carry my son. The Hippychick Hip Seat was the last stage. Nothing stoical about it - I had both hands free, he was happy, I was happy.

YABU.

None.Of.Your.Business

All the home-educated children I know spend a lot of time with other similarly educated children. Many people do not allow sleepovers for their children until much older than your DN. It's great if you have family around to babysit and help with childcare but lots of people don't and still raise well-socialised children.

Your concerns about your DN seem to be based on the fact that your SIL is making different choices to you. They don't sound harmful to either child or mother. Your "I just worry she might regret it later" is absolutely not your business.

"Niece is a very lovely little girl. She’s very well mannered, her speech is very developed for her age and she doesn’t do screen time (unlike mine!). I’m just concerned about the knock on effects of her growing up."

Niece is doing fine. Her mum is doing a great job. There have been no knock on effects so far, and I'm pretty sure you can trust her mum to respond to them empathetically in the moment. Stand down. You're not 'concerned'. You're judging.

She doesn't actually sound eccentric to me. You should come to a yummy mummy area - full of vegans who like yoga!

She does sound like she has different priorities and a different approach to life in general to you. That doesn't mean she's doing anything wrong.

She is just different to you. It sounds like they aren’t keen on spending expended amounts if time with you guys. They probably know you’re judgemental

She sounds lovely, I think you may have lost the plot a bit

You come across as very insecure about your own parenting choices. If sil was of a similar attitude, how do you think she might critique in return..?

Seriously! You must be very touchy indeed about your choices in life if you feel judged when someone does something a little different.

I have a SIL/BIL who home schooled their child. Of course they aren't judging my decision to send my kids to school. They are making a decision for their own child. Ditto I don't judge them - why would I?

you are hoiking your judgy pants up so high you will get thrush.
Butt out and leave her alone

Veganism is fairly mainstream though. Widely available in restaurants and shops. It's really not all that unusual. EC is practiced world-wide, just not so much in the West.
3 is young for sleepovers not sure why that's unusual either.
Ditto the babysitting (and the baby wearing - in many circumstances, it is easier than a pram/buggy)
Home education is on the rise, too.
Isn't it good that not all of her friendship group share the same beliefs? It shows she isn't narrow minded, at least.

Which bit of DSIL'S ideas are setting up her dd for failure or limiting her life experiences?

Also she may be able to return to her career afterwards, plenty of women do.