Eccentric SIL

[ProbablybeingU]

SIL has a very eccentric personality and parenting approach. She is a spiritual person who reads tarot, loves yoga/pilates and is vegan. She has always been a bit “hippy dippy” - although doesn’t look remotely like the stereotypes you’d imagine, she is just a normal woman.

She is very lovely but has a bit of an eccentric approach to parenting. DN is being raised vegan, she used elimination communication from being newborn, doesn’t allow sleepovers or quite frankly anyone to babysit. Niece is 3 years old and as far as I’m aware her Mum has watched her twice over night and that was by staying at BIL and SIL house. Niece has never been in nursery and SIL has just announced plans to home educate.

From what I’m aware all of her friendship group all have children a similar age so niece does socialise a lot with kids of similar age but none of her friends share similar beliefs to SIL and all of their kids attend nursery/school etc.

AIBU to think she’s setting DN up for failure here/perhaps to be singled out? I’m aware kids can be quite nasty.

Well that was a waste of her time and everyone else's then wasn't it. All that effort (both hers and her tutors') that she is chucking down the toilet to sit on her backside at home.

So interesting because elimination communication is pretty standard in the east for babies.

they just by do it about 10/15 mins after food. And eventually the potty becomes the toilet signal. And small babies can almost go on cue

Not how I would choose to raise a child but I applaud their stamina and its sounds like informed choices by BIL & SIL. Given you describe DN as lovely, then I think, you need to accept BILs and SILs right to choose a route different to that you have chosen and to support them as you can.

But it is also fine to feel disappointed that DN won't be able to come for sleep overs so her family can get to know her better and you can tactfully say that at the right time. Hopefully that may plant a seed that at some point maybe open for reconsideration but you need to meet them halfway on this and be prepared to provide vegan food and otherwise support their life choices.

A close friend sounds much like your SIL and she too was what I would call alternative lifestyle in her approach (also vegan) and when the kids were young they ate the same as Mum and Dad but as they got older they were allowed to explore food and what they wanted for themselves. Both boys are flexitarians and to be honest are very open to trying new things and I mean that positively in many aspects of their life. They don't just follow the crowd. They do have an alternative way of seeing things and its quite refreshing and makes them fun to have in a group.

Homeschooling isn’t for me but done properly I would hardly say it’s sitting on her backside at home.

Also failing to see how getting her qualification, gaining a job that was high paying (presumably to something she could return to if she wishes) is wasting everyone’s time. Also very much doubt her tutors give two hoots, they get paid either way!

You sound desperate to paint her as something she clearly isn’t. This woman is clearly an educated, competent individual who’s made choices based on what she believes to be best for her child.

yes, who has put all that effort in only to jack it all in.

In the kindest way, mind your own beeswax and get your kids off their screens. Mine didn’t sleepover anywhere until they were 10. Our family events were that, with kids included. I am not a dippy hippy.

women can make choices. And they can change their minds.

We spent years and years fighting for that.

Don't talk shit.

Jacked all what in?

Oh I forgot they take your degree off you if you have a child 🙄

they may as well for all she is using it.

You use your education as you move through life, whatever you happen to be doing at any particular point in time. It's an odd point of view that education is only worthwhile or necessary if you are in work, all the time.

A mother's education benefits her family, and others in society who she may interact with in a non-work capacity. And, as already said, she may well return to full or part time work at some point in the future.

She has used it. She worked her arse off to get herself a job that paid her enough that she can now quit for a bit and pass on the benefit of her education to her child. Whether she goes back to it later or not, she's already played a blinder.

yep, sit back on her backside and let a man pay her way through life. Really worth studying for that.
Fine example to set to her daughter - you don't need to work hard. In fact why bother with school. You can just hook a man who is willing to pay for you and just yummy mummy about all day.

You sound judgy.
(What's elimination communication? Never heard of it 😕😁)

If she’s had a fairly high-flying career that required several degrees, she may well be living on savings. I did, when I took a career break.

Your tone seems unnecessarily hostile.

You sound full of hatred for someone you don't know.

She's looking after her infant child ffs, she worked until becoming a mother. You're acting as though she'll never work again.

Would you be so vitriolic about at stay at home dad?

Are you on a wind up?

What part of getting a degree, having a high paying job, and home educating a child qualifies as sitting on her backside?

In what way will this highly qualified, high earning, intelligent woman be teaching her daughter that she doesn't have to work hard?

How exactly does a married couple making financial decisions as a family unit equate to a man paying for a woman?

You have an exceptionally simplistic view of the world.

Sounds fucking brilliant, where do I sign? 👍

I'm thinking it's the op with a name change, no one agreed with her so she's changing tack!

OP it does sound like you have a very narrow sphere of experience - you’ve grown up in the same village where all of your family live, you’ve never left so presumably didn’t go to university, and have basically mixed with the same small group of people your whole life. You think your SIL has “big city ways” whatever the fuck that means.

Using a sling, cloth nappies, being vegan, not going to nursery all totally normal, across the UK. Expecting sleepovers for 3 years olds is weirder than not, IME, I would have shut that down too and I was more than happy for DS to have sleepovers aged 7.

Obviously a vegan isn’t going to approve of a zoo, aquarium or farm visit. Elimination communication and homeschooling are less common as most people have jobs, but still not “eccentric” - very common for families with SEN children to homeschool.

i hope you don't vote, work or whatever other rights feminists won for you.

god i hate hate hate that we have to put up with this kind of view.

I really hate that they use the hard-won rights and then shit on other women.

In our family we have a really well rounded intelligent 5 yr old who is an excellent communicator and reading independently.
Other family members really struggle with this and have focused hugely on the fact that she gets v little screen time.Tbe child does numerous activities and is very busy, screen time is not routine for her.All the parents who allow large amounts of screen time are hugely offended by this.
It sounds like the child you're referring to is being brought up in a well rounded, thoughtful way.
Be wary of hovering on the outside waiting to point out issues as a result of her upbringing, I see a lot of this going on in my family.

*Communication elimination - no problem with that. Saves on nappies and better for the environment. Not unusual in many cultures. Strange to see a Mum look at her baby's face and say 'he/she's doing a poo' then let them sit in it till it's convenient to change them.......

*Home schooling - We have a generation of kids who've had a taste of this anyway (pandemic). It's not for everyone - but neither is being dressed like a little office worker in a shirt and tie constrained to a desk all day. That's hardly natural for kids either.

*Vegan - has to be done with very conscious choices to make sure growing children have what they need to thrive. Can't comment as we don't know SiL, but fingers crossed she knows what she's doing.

*No sleepovers? It's not uncommon for children that age to have only had their parents for overnight care.

*No nursery - it's hard to believe but even as recently as when GenX were ankle biters, extended nursery time just wasn't a thing. A couple of hours a week at playschool in the church hall was fairly common.

I stepped away from this thread as I feel I have been given a bit of a rough ride.

But that is definitely not me. I don’t believe SAHM’s are lazy people who sit on their backsides and let men pay for them.

BIL has had several promotions since DN was born and I don’t believe he would have had so many if SIL was still working. Her staying at home has enabled him to work longer hours and pick up a more stressful workload.

That wasn’t what I meant by being concerned she might regret giving up her career.