Eccentric SIL

[ProbablybeingU]

SIL has a very eccentric personality and parenting approach. She is a spiritual person who reads tarot, loves yoga/pilates and is vegan. She has always been a bit “hippy dippy” - although doesn’t look remotely like the stereotypes you’d imagine, she is just a normal woman.

She is very lovely but has a bit of an eccentric approach to parenting. DN is being raised vegan, she used elimination communication from being newborn, doesn’t allow sleepovers or quite frankly anyone to babysit. Niece is 3 years old and as far as I’m aware her Mum has watched her twice over night and that was by staying at BIL and SIL house. Niece has never been in nursery and SIL has just announced plans to home educate.

From what I’m aware all of her friendship group all have children a similar age so niece does socialise a lot with kids of similar age but none of her friends share similar beliefs to SIL and all of their kids attend nursery/school etc.

AIBU to think she’s setting DN up for failure here/perhaps to be singled out? I’m aware kids can be quite nasty.

You might want to take something for that. They have made great advances with drugs these days.

You stepped away because lots of people, quite reasonably, pointed out that YABU? I mean, that’s the point of this whole exercise isn’t it?

None of that would even make my attention to be honest. Let her be.

And DN will be just fine.

so you made a quite nasty dig at your SIL because she isn't like you, then you got in a snit because people pointed that out?

AIBU isn't the right place for you, then is it?

ETA: and the desparation to have an overnight with your niece? if i were your SIL that would be raising all sorts of red flags with me.

I wouldn't have dreamed of asking anyone to babysit so DH and I could go out without our DCs. Or send them on / host sleepovers. They survived.

Nothing eccentric about this way of parenting. None of my DC have gone to nursery or been cared for by anyone for any amount of time ever (I am not a SAHM, we both work full time around one another as our children being with us especially as under 5's is important to us). They do go to school however, only as it suits them, it they didn't like school, we would home school. Do not do screen time especially before 5 as it is not needed. You are just judging someone for being different to you, which to be fair I do when people cannot be bothered to look after their own children and shove them in front of screens 🙃

She sounds great. I'd love to have been able to master elimination communication, stick to a vegan diet and have the patience for home education.
Do you think you could be feeling envious? Your SIL is doing nothing wrong and there is nothing at all to suggest she is settling her child up for failure.

So the ideal is the ‘done thing’ and the worst thing is to be ‘odd’. It sounds like your SIL is very successful with the critical thinking skills to evaluate choices rather than just blindly aspiring to ‘normal’ lest others think she’s odd (the horror!)

The lack of screen time alone will be great for that age. Plenty of time to catch up on whatever everyone else is watching if when the child is older and genuinely feels left out.

It’s hardly crunchy to not want sleepovers at that age … have you read the papers

But DN is only 3!
Far too early for you to be worrying about her “missing out on life experiences” 😕
She is warm, loved, secure and protected. A good start for branching out from as she gets older.

The fact that OP is criticising her SIL for not having a 3 year old glued to a screen and thinks her DN is “missing out on life” as a result honestly makes everything else she says suspect.

Until the homeschooling part she sounds like a typical Indian mum & our kids tend to have better health, personal, social, and academic outcomes compared to white kids.

It’s the homeschooling part that’s the trickiest. But If she does homeschooling properly via a school or tutor (or if she’s a teacher herself) then that might not be a problem either. Many of the kids of the richest parents have tutors until they’re 10-13.

I’m struggling to understand the problem or the “eccentricity”

Parenting is a very personal thing and these are the choices that SIL/ BIL have made. They don’t seem to be hurting anyone and from what you have said then your niece is doing well. So l am finding you unreasonable. My instinct is your struggle with people doing their own thing and think your way of parenting is the “right way”

I suspect OP is annoyed about not being able to use SIL for childcare and SIL having her own group that she is busy with separate from OP.

My guess is that OP had a picture in her head or expectations of how things would go, maybe even being a guide to SIL and because reality didn’t meet OP’s expectations of what she thought or wanted to happen , SIL’s way of things is or must be wrong.

Show me where I criticised her for this? I called her a good Mum and praised her for not using screen time, unlike me. Some of you are so desperate to twist my words to fit your narrative of me bullying her.

I don’t know where some of you have gotten that me and SIL aren’t close and I’m mad we aren’t close. I would say we are very close.

When they moved here she knew nobody and I took her under my wing as I am quite a bit older. They are from the city but moved here to settle as this is where BIL is from. She spends a lot of time with me one on one, with my sisters, she has a good relationship with my Mum. Hence why I offer to have DN overnight. I am not some random relative she doesn’t know.

I’m also not annoyed I can’t use SIL for childcare. We’ve never, ever asked them to have our kids. Our eldest two are adults and our youngest is 8 so we don’t need childcare as our eldest two live with us.

My post is for genuine concern for DN and also SIL. I’m worried SIL is making DN her whole identity and one day DN will grow up and leave the nest and I’m worried about the knock on effect it will have on her. She was a very strong and independent career women pre pregnancy.

We live in an incredibly small town so maybe I am sheltered. I haven’t met another vegan who lives here. The village thrives on local farm shops. People leave eggs at the end of their gardens and a pot for people to put a pound in exchange of taking some. I had my children young so never left our ruralish town. I was jealous of SIL when I met her as she had gone to university and was thriving. That was a life I missed out on. I’m not jealous now, I’m a concerned family member. But I do take all points that I am sheltered- the way of life around here is very same same hence why I was concerned DN may be bullied. I’ve literally never heard of anyone doing this before.

As far as I’m aware there is zero homeschooling network around here. There’s barely any schools. She will have to travel quite far to find one.

As far as the Zoo goes I take on the points you’ve all mentioned but I wasn’t doing it to snub anyone. The Zoo we visited is a Zoo with a good reputation, puts a lot of effort into conservation and rescue etc. It wasnt like I invited her to a waterpark with dolphins in Tenerife. But there was a lot I didn’t think about there and you are all correct.

I will continue not saying anything and broaden my horizons.

You sound like a deeply unpleasant person, with your narrow minded and judgmental views.

"My post is for genuine concern for DN and also SIL. I’m worried SIL is making DN her whole identity and one day DN will grow up and leave the nest and I’m worried about the knock on effect it will have on her. "

This is extremely patronising to think about a competent adult who is able to make her own choices. I hope you realise now that there is no need or reasonable rationale to be concerned for your DN. It feels bizarre to even type that out! Concern about what seems like a lovely well brought up child!

I am quite sure that your SIL is aware that her child will one day grow up and leave the nest. That is what parents tend to want for their children, don't you think?

It also wasn’t anything you mentioned in your original post. Your concern was only for your niece being bullied for being different. ☹️

Which is still my main concern. They live in a rural village- how she is being brought up is incredibly different to how anyone lives around here.

It doesn’t mean it’s right or wrong but you can’t fart without anybody knowing around here. It only takes one kid to tarnish her as the weird kid who lives down there.

The weird kid?
Nasty

If your area is as rural and sheltered as you describe, whatever your SIL does, your DN will be identified as an outsider, a latecomer, etc and be bullied for it if the local children are that way inclined as a rule.

Clearly the issue is with the dire state of local parenting, and not your DN. It is futile and damaging to make people change themselves and their choices because of potential future bullying.

I grew up in the kind of very rural area you describe. My family was "eccentric" according to locals, but thankfully I found some children at school who were tolerant and welcoming. I generally ignored the rest.

Exactly. Kids can be nasty.

My youngest decided to get his hair cut into a mullet and came home sobbing because he was called a weird freak by all of the kids and he refused to go back to school until he no longer had a mullet.

Very sad but unfortunately kids don’t see a range of people around here.

😣😥
So support her as she grows up in the knowledge that we are all different and that that is good, and building her confidence (which is what I am sure her parents will be doing) rather than suggesting she should conform to what everybody else does.

Is this really news to you?
Do you expect your own children to conform to what everyone else does, rather than what they want to do?
If so, how sad.

It is pretty sad that your response to this story is to think all the kids should conform in case some bully has a go at them.

There are other ways to rear children other than reinforcing the idea that they must conform or suffer the consequences. I suspect your niece will some day be far more capable of standing up for herself than you son is.

Your highly conforming kid got it because of his haircut. So what's the point of abandoning all you believe in to appease some 9 year old narrow minded kid - who will bully anyway (and clearly their parents don't tell them it is wrong).

Yes, kids can be nasty and they often learn it from their parents and adults around them.

I think your SIL will be able to handle whatever comes, why don’t you?