Eccentric SIL

[ProbablybeingU]

SIL has a very eccentric personality and parenting approach. She is a spiritual person who reads tarot, loves yoga/pilates and is vegan. She has always been a bit “hippy dippy” - although doesn’t look remotely like the stereotypes you’d imagine, she is just a normal woman.

She is very lovely but has a bit of an eccentric approach to parenting. DN is being raised vegan, she used elimination communication from being newborn, doesn’t allow sleepovers or quite frankly anyone to babysit. Niece is 3 years old and as far as I’m aware her Mum has watched her twice over night and that was by staying at BIL and SIL house. Niece has never been in nursery and SIL has just announced plans to home educate.

From what I’m aware all of her friendship group all have children a similar age so niece does socialise a lot with kids of similar age but none of her friends share similar beliefs to SIL and all of their kids attend nursery/school etc.

AIBU to think she’s setting DN up for failure here/perhaps to be singled out? I’m aware kids can be quite nasty.

Of course you're judging her as a parent, it's baffling that you think you aren't!

Yep, not eccentric, just different choices. Neither of my children had "sleepovers" or even babysat overnight until they were a lot older than 3.

It sounds like your SIL is bringing up a delightful child. Home educating doesn't mean staying at home all the time. There are loads of home educating activities and groups that she can participate in, as well as all the usual music, sports clubs or things like scouts/brownies etc. "Kids" might be mean, but they might be mean about all kinds of things that you can't predict, the key factor is that they have been brought up to be mean to others. That's the issue there, rather than the choices made by your SIL.

And to answer your question “ How is she going to learn any life skills?”…through her parents, and the home schooling community. They don’t just sit at home all day…you do know that don’t you?

So? She's 3. My children didn't go for sleepovers anywhere til they were 7. I hardly ever leave them overnight anywhere without one of us, that's my choice and they are fine with it. They aren't very into sleepovers and are happy seeing people in the daytime.

There's nothing wrong with what they are doing, it's just different to what you do.

What’s elimination communication?

She’s three! Sleepovers are way in the future. And which children are you imagining will be on her veganism and be8ng homeschooled? The other homeschooled children she is likely to meet via homeschooling networks?

Why are you so set on having a three year old over night? I think that would be comparatively unusual at that age for pretty much any child.

None of that sounds off the wall to me. Elimination communication is common among non-Westerners. Everyone where I lived in China did it. DS hates sleepovers and has only ever done one or two. I don’t think sleepovers teach any life skills whatsoever. I’m vegetarian, raising a vegetarian child, who attended a hippy school where the teachers were addressed by their first names and the children’s student council consulted on the rules. I don’t own a car and I walk or cycle everywhere. I don’t have many rules at home, but FS is still growing up a thoughtful, funny, intelligent teenager.

And this is very normal in my circle too, unless absolutely necessary the kids were with us at that age. Even now (mine are 15, 13 and 8) I can only think of 2 occasions that have required sleepovers: 1- the birth of #3, and an obligatory overnight attendance at a conference that needed both of us.

Basically, elimination communication is tuning into her child’s needs by reading their body language. So bring them to the toilet because you can see that they are squirming, etc. Basically, it’s just knowing your child. 😂😂

Not using nappies. Plonk child on a potty or hold it over a drainage ditch regularly. Chinese babies and toddlers used to wear split trousers to make it easier.

You are mistakenly equating unconventional with wrong.

My children are 8, 6 and 2 and the two elder ones have had sleepovers (with their grandparents, not friend sleepovers) twice. That's it. The youngest never. It has not harmed them in any discernable way and children do not rely on sleepovers to learn life skills - I don't know where on earth you're getting that from.

You're being weird about this and very judgy, imo. I don't know if you have done/were planning to, but you shouldn't say anything to SIL/BIL (or other family members) at all.

It is unusual maybe. My DD was cared for, for 24hrs by my parents at three months in their home not mine because I had some throwing up bug. She stayed over with her other DGPs frequently and when old enough, with friends. Normal amongst my friendship/her school group.
I worked with a man who (with his wife) never allowed sleepovers for their children ever. I thought tbh that was extreme. Very protective. Again, such an attitude was very unusual in the group of people we knew at that time.
OP I get it, I think your SIL is a bit 'crunchy' but with a bit of luck your DN will find her own way.

Why does your 3yo niece need to have a sleepover with you and your family?

She’s 3. A lot of parents wouldn’t be comfortable or want their child at that age sleeping over without them.

She doesn’t sound eccentric at all, more that she does things different from you and you for some reason don’t like it and feel the need to question it.

This is more about you wanting your way than respecting that SIL has her own way of doing things with her own child. Reads a bit like you want the sleepovers so she’ll reciprocate with your children for childcare.

You have literally said 3 yo is doing well yet think she won’t continue to do so and are worried for her. The math is not mathing here.

Nothing here seems worrying ?

Where is the child’s other parent in all of this?

@ProbablybeingU

she’s setting DN up for failure here/perhaps to be singled out? I’m aware kids can be quite nasty.

I find adults can be far more nasty than children. Your judgemental attitude towards your SIL for starters.

Why do you think she will be singled out? Plenty of people home school and it sounds like she’s already surrounded by her mums friends children, which is a good head start on socialisation for 3.

Nothing to do with you.

Your SIL seems to have a let live attitude. She surrounds herself with people with different views and values and yet remains true to her own. No problem I can see especially when she make conscious decisions to socialise her kids. There is likely a local group of homeschoolers that will arrange meet ups and share some of the teaching and share materials that you may want to look into. Homeschooling is becoming much more popular as covid exposed the bias’s in our current teaching, schools aren’t adapting to a new world where AI will be making some of the lessons they’re taught now to have no value in any given career. Maybe teaching kids a more holistic future is actually getting ahead of the game

I just looked up the term crunchy mum and whilst she fits some boxes I wouldn’t use that term. She’s definitely not an anti vaxxer or anything like that.

It did remind me that she stoically baby wore for around the first year of DN’s life though. Even BIL used to joke it was because she didn’t want anyone else touching the baby.

I really am not being judgemental. I buy in vegan snacks for niece when they come over and if I offer anything I triple check to make sure it’s vegan as I am respectful of their life choices, BIL isn’t vegan but I believe he eats vegan in the house and is respectful of the fact it’s important she raises DN that way.

I am taking on board everything you’re saying though- I wouldn’t say anything to her or anyone else but even DH thinks it’s a bit “odd”. I guess I’ve just grew up quite sheltered?

She had a really good career before she had DN and I guess there’s also the worry she’s throwing away everything she worked hard for?

I have many family friends who were home schooled until college. Went onto university and now work in corporate or other professional and creative jobs. All are doing swimmingly, extremely social with well balanced friend groups. They’re even vegan too!

it seems like SIL takes her role as a parent seriously so will approach home educating in the same way.

Maybe they just don’t like how judgemental you are so don’t want to socialise with you? Rather than not wanting to leave her, they perhaps just don’t want to socialise with you all?

You think the way she approaches things are wrong, but she probably thinks the same about you!

Focus on your own family and let your SIL focus on hers.

FWIW I don’t know anybody who does sleepovers these days. It’s a very 1980s thing!

You don’t like your SIL.

Are you jealous that she’s being different?

Why are you obsessed with having her three year old for a sleepover? Three year olds don’t want to be taken away from their DM and their home at that age.

BIL works so SIL is at home. I know he was very against sending to nursery though, I haven’t spoken to him on his opinion of homeschooling. Last time the topic of school came up he knew which school he wanted DN to go to, but I don’t know if he’s changed his mind since then.

He has always been supportive of what SIL wants to do but I do get the idea she makes the final decision on everything. He is besotted with her.

100% this. The only nasty one is you @ProbablybeingU

what’s it to you? To bitch about your SIL because you’ve nothing better to do? Shame on you.

Maybe Sil is also concerned about the knock on effects of you allowing screen time to your children and feeding them meat?

I really am not being judgemental.

Seriously OP, if you cannot see that you're being judgemental then I think you need to see someone.