Eccentric SIL

[ProbablybeingU]

SIL has a very eccentric personality and parenting approach. She is a spiritual person who reads tarot, loves yoga/pilates and is vegan. She has always been a bit “hippy dippy” - although doesn’t look remotely like the stereotypes you’d imagine, she is just a normal woman.

She is very lovely but has a bit of an eccentric approach to parenting. DN is being raised vegan, she used elimination communication from being newborn, doesn’t allow sleepovers or quite frankly anyone to babysit. Niece is 3 years old and as far as I’m aware her Mum has watched her twice over night and that was by staying at BIL and SIL house. Niece has never been in nursery and SIL has just announced plans to home educate.

From what I’m aware all of her friendship group all have children a similar age so niece does socialise a lot with kids of similar age but none of her friends share similar beliefs to SIL and all of their kids attend nursery/school etc.

AIBU to think she’s setting DN up for failure here/perhaps to be singled out? I’m aware kids can be quite nasty.

Do you manage to get out much/get chances to experience other places and meet people OP? I think it's lovely you're thinking of your niece but wonder if you might be missing a whole world that she's already experiencing (via her mum) that you're just not party to as yet. I would see it as an opportunity to broaden my own experiences and my childrens', by showing you're keen to get involved in some of the things she gets up to.

Surely it’s just different to your choices? My DD5 has never had a sleepover. Occasionally my mum has had her but always at our house but on the whole she’s rarely babysat. She’s also vegetarian by choice 😂 we don’t home school but I know a lot of people who do. Different doesn’t mean wrong.

If you want to socialise why don't you ask SIL to suggest something she is comfortable with?

She's 3 years old

Your attitude stinks, quite frankly.

OP, every one of your posts drips narrow mindedness and judgement. But you are so set in your thinking you can’t see it.

She had a good career: so she’s not daft or unable to make decisions. It’s not for you to manufacture ‘concern’ because she has made different decisions to you.

She sounds fully committed and engaged. She will home-educate to a high standard and her child will no doubt have friends and collaborative activities within the Home Ed network. She obviously doesn’t isolate her child or restrict mixing to other non/screen families etc.

Good for her for not allowing screens for her 3 yo!

If you don’t understand just take refuge in ‘each to their own’.

It's none of your business how she raises her child, really, unless you suspect some type of abuse or neglect. Accept that people do things differently and leave it alone. What would you do, anyway? Tell SIL that you think she's making mistakes in her parenting? It won't go over well, and you'll achieve nothing except antagonising SIL and souring family relations.

I think I can see why the voting's been turned off.
Reckon it would be at least 90% saying YABU.
Lucky DN, having such committed, thoughtful, intelligent parents.

It would be interesting to hear from YAs who have been brought up similarly to the way OPs SIL is bringing up DN.

I read the Tarot, do lots of Yoga and love my crystals. My DGD affectionately calls me a witch! But I do live a very normal life which is enhanced by my hobbies and interests.

Anyway getting back your eccentric SIL, she is doing no harm, to herself or her DD, from what you have said.

You should give Yoga a go!

Not going to the zoo and being vegan isn’t extreme. Loads of people have never been to a zoo and people have lots of different diets. I’m not a fan of homeschooling. I’m aware that many people, make a success if it but everyone I know who has done it has been shockingly bad at it but this kid is a toddler and her mum might be one of the ones who does a good job. Either way it is very literally up to the parents to decide. Not going on sleepovers is entirely normal, especially at her age, as is not wanting your baby passed around like a toy. My sil did EC and I don’t care for it but it’s how she was brought up and it’s normal for her. Her kids are ok but sil has the smallest bladder in the world, which apparently can be a “thing” - something to do with tight muscles. A developmentally normal child of 3 wouldn’t be in nappies anyway and does it really matter how she got there?

The only thing I think is particularly weird is her saying “she didn’t know enough about the zoo to know if she would want her to go there.” I’m not sure what she means specifically - safety, location, welfare of the animals?

Most of the rest sounds like she is a doting mum who has found more joy in motherhood than her career. You said herself her daughter socialises a lot. Lots of people don’t allow sleepovers (although usually fine with family). It sounds like you both disagree with each other’s parenting styles and that’s fine. But I don’t find her particularly eccentric unless she is using the tarot cards to tell her daughter’s fortune and base her life on that or something

Doesn't sound that different to the way a lot of toddlers are brought up, OP.

What’s wrong with that? They’re parenting in a way they feel comfortable with and they believe is best for their daughter. Sleepovers are not essential for social development. I wouldn’t expect many 3 year olds to have had sleepovers by that age. Maybe your family are the eccentric ones wanting to leave your kids to sleep at other people’s houses?

Huge homeschooling community where I live - we were part of it for nearly a year - and all the kids have been very successful. One read classics at Oxford, one was an Actor so travelled and /studied around his film schedule, once was a junior tennis pro. Very mixed group from the forest school/hippy/vegan types to the tiger parented driven families. They all rubbed along okay with little judgment and censure. They had teams in the national robotics comps (came 2nd one year) and used to meet for picnics, go ape and even ice skating twice a week (mine progressed in this and ended up having coaching for several years, with my DS playing ice hockey for a local team).

So, if you have real concerns, I hope you’ll park them and let SIL parent and raise DN according to her choices.

Clearly they value parenting and emotional stability more than money and maybe more than you?

Or maybe her high qualifications and high intelligence have afforded her the cash to do so and given her the research skills to do the best parenting job possible for her DC across diet, excercise, screen time, attachment, home environment, family values and lifestyle choices.

Seems she is well informed and confident in the choices she is making for her family and can financially comfortably afford to do so. Are you jealous or embarrassed that you didn’t set yourself up similarly?

I brought my kids up sort of similar to this.

no homeschooling - they did go to school - but our whole family were and are vegan and we didn’t do sleepovers until brownie or cub camp (which is a totally different and much safer experience).

my kids are fine. One has a music degree and now teaches his instrument and gigs and similar the other has just finished a physics degree from Newcastle.

i have two degrees one from Cambridge and worked part time to spend time with my kids and enjoy the years while they were young.

still not seeing the issue.

oh - and I am reliably informed by my young adult dd that no-one goes to zoos anymore because of animal cruelty. I haven’t been to one in decades to be fair or suggested it so wasn’t aware the vibe had shifted but there you go.

The only thing I think is particularly weird is her saying “she didn’t know enough about the zoo to know if she would want her to go there.” I’m not sure what she means specifically - safety, location, welfare of the animals?

To be fair, it's not that weird - she's vegan and probably doesn't support zoos on principle.

Hmm well my dc were vegetarian not vegan, but some of the rest applied to me. I don’t really know what ‘elimination communication’ is, watching your baby closely ? I didn’t send mine to playgroup or nursery, I was with them at home. They did have some tv but not loads. I did send them to school though, not home-Ed.
Sleepovers never came up at that age, I think dd1 was about 9 before she stayed at a friend’s house. And dd2 was quite a bit older than that. I never had a babysitter, I would have used one when they were older, eg 8/9 but it didn’t happen for various reasons.
If your niece is happy and healthy then there doesn’t seem to be a problem at all ? I think a vegan diet can be tricky to balance with very small children but presumably your Sil is careful and sensible.

Your SIL sounds like a wonderful and dedicated mother. Good luck to her, her decisions seem to be fruitful if your DN is as polite and wonderful and on track academically as you describe.

You’re being judgemental. Look in the mirror, accept it and move on.

Different horses for different courses…
I know a handful of parents that home educate, and children have never attend nursery etc
I hate zoos and wouldn’t go with a free ticket either, however I’m assuming your niece does get to spend time with family and friends in other places.
You sound like it’s a lifestyle you wouldn’t be happy with, but it suits your SIL.
If she isn’t attending mainstream schools no one is going to mean to her because your SIL will surround her with people that either have a similar ethos, by the time she is a grown up no one will care if she was home schooled or not, it’s the experiences that parents can offer them that makes a difference. I wish I could flexi school my eldest but I can’t due to work etc
Your niece is likely to grow up super creative.

Going to the zoo is not a life experience that vegans want to partake in, surely you know that?

I'd suggest minding your own business @ProbablybeingU You come across as pretty narrow-minded, even ignorant. And inviting a vegan child to the zoo just sounds like you're trolling your poor SIL.

It sounds like your SIL loves her child very much and is raising her in a way that suits their own family unit. That may well be different to the vast majority, but I wouldn't say the vast majority are better at parenting, in my experience.

I didn't let mine go on sleepovers at three. They had possibly had a couple of nights with GP by that age, but that's it. They are perfectly normally socialised.

There is loads of research pointing to the conclusion that children who spend their early years in the secure and stable company of primary caregivers actually grow up with benefits that children who spend a lot of time in daycare miss out on. It's not wacky for pre-schoolers to be mostly in their family unit. If i had my time again, I might consider skipping nursery.

Home-schooling would require conscious attempts at socialisation, but give her a chance.

Babywearing? Shocking.
Taking care of your own small child, whilst ensuring she is properly socialising with other kids. Outrageous.

The thing I really don’t get is your obsession with having to have sleepovers at 3! You are a - very extreme - outlier as I would say most parents of 3yo wouldn’t be letting their kids have sleepovers, and you are criticising her for only letting her child spend the night twice with family? What’s the obsession with removing a tiny child from their mother for the night? As for sleepovers at friends, loads of families don’t let this happen at older ages, let alone as a toddler.

DH cousins were first raised on a macrobiotic diet point and then vegan, they all eat meat now. Her child will come to no harm then once an adult she can make her own decisions. My MIL is in to angel cards and astrology which DH and I think is absolute bollocks.

The only issue with anyone’s beliefs systems regardless of what they are whether deemed traditional or alternative is if they insist on pushing their beliefs on to others. So my MIL has attempted on many occasions to push her beliefs on us, it culminated in her attempting to put some of her alternative stuff in to our child’s grave when we had already specifically requested that not to happen. DH stopped her.

There is a time and place to interfere with others belief systems, they are actually very few and far between.

None of mine had a sleepover until WAY older than 3. I'd think it unusual for someone to let their under-3 have a sleepover tbh.

Your SIL sounds perfectly nice. Nursery isn't compulsory. Your niece is socialising with lots of other children - those of your SIL/BIL's friends. Homeschooling is a choice for the future - maybe she'll change her mind, maybe she won't. so what?

Kids can be mean though, they pick up on slight differences and surely these are all different choices.

Kids can be taught not to be mean. Kids can be taught to respect differences. Kids can be taught not to laugh at other people when they don't do exactly as you do. I suspect the wider family here should focus on their own children.