Eccentric SIL

[ProbablybeingU]

SIL has a very eccentric personality and parenting approach. She is a spiritual person who reads tarot, loves yoga/pilates and is vegan. She has always been a bit “hippy dippy” - although doesn’t look remotely like the stereotypes you’d imagine, she is just a normal woman.

She is very lovely but has a bit of an eccentric approach to parenting. DN is being raised vegan, she used elimination communication from being newborn, doesn’t allow sleepovers or quite frankly anyone to babysit. Niece is 3 years old and as far as I’m aware her Mum has watched her twice over night and that was by staying at BIL and SIL house. Niece has never been in nursery and SIL has just announced plans to home educate.

From what I’m aware all of her friendship group all have children a similar age so niece does socialise a lot with kids of similar age but none of her friends share similar beliefs to SIL and all of their kids attend nursery/school etc.

AIBU to think she’s setting DN up for failure here/perhaps to be singled out? I’m aware kids can be quite nasty.

My son is 15, and has stayed at my parents overnight once and gone on a residential for 3 nights with the school. He's never been interested in staying overnight at other people's houses. He's a pretty well rounded lad! He socialised, has a good friendship group, confident etc. Your niece not having sleepovers, won't do her any harm! Your SIL may relax that as she gets older, and understands what it's all about. Home schooling is fine, as long as it's done properly and structured. As for being vegan, not uncommon for parents to bring their children up, the same as themselves. I had a friend at school back in the 80's who was brought up vegetarian by her parents!

Do you feel children should be raised to seem exactly the same as everyone else in order to avoid being bullied?

You are judging her choices and dressing it up as concern.

Wow! Love this statement! Spot on!

doesn’t allow sleepovers or quite frankly anyone to babysit.

Your niece is only three!!

I’ve never heard of ‘elimination communication’ before.
What is it??

I’m reading this thread and just imagining my own SIL writing it about me many years ago. I would sometimes see her visibly cringe at my parenting. The simplest things like breastfeeding, cloth diapers, and baby wearing completely perplexed her.

I would be concerned with home schooling, unless there is a geographical reason or SEN, otherwise the intent behind it it what I'd question. SiL obviously doesn't want to participate in regular society and that's her choice but she is choosing that for her children. It may not suit them. She gave up a career and has made this her project. Any parent whose sole life purpose is their children puts immense pressure on the child and suggests a controlling parent. It sounds like she is making her child a social experiment.

I agree OP is judgmental but so is SIL. She has considered what most other parents do including her own family and decided she will do better. She can't possibly respect their life choices if she is doing her best to be as different as possible. It works both ways

I wonder if its more than your not allowed to have a relationship with nice as mum keeps her close?

I agree OP is judgmental but so is SIL. She has considered what most other parents do including her own family and decided she will do better. She can't possibly respect their life choices if she is doing her best to be as different as possible. It works both ways

Sorry but this is ridiculous. She isn't deciding she is doing "better" she is doing what she (and BIL) think is right for their child and their family. I did some things different to people around me - didn't mean I didn't respect their "life choices - to be honest I didn't think about their "life choices" I was just getting on with rearing my own children.

I agree OP is judgmental but so is SIL. She has considered what most other parents do including her own family and decided she will do better. She can't possibly respect their life choices if she is doing her best to be as different as possible. It works both ways

What an absolutely bizarre thing to say.

Sleepovers with family at 3 happened for dc 2 and 3 - and even then max twice. Did not happen for PFB.

I think your sleepover thing is odd.

I agree OP is judgmental but so is SIL. She has considered what most other parents do including her own family and decided she will do better. She can't possibly respect their life choices if she is doing her best to be as different as possible. It works both ways.

What? 🤣

So if I consider most people's diets and decide to eat healthier than that, am I disrespecting those who eat less healthily?

If I decide I want to earn more than the average wage, am I disrespecting anyone who earns less than me?

If your kids decide they want top grades, are you going to tell them off for disrespecting others?

@jamandcustard @Pallisers I think it is judgmental. I think most people would see it that way. See all the threads here where people get attacked and accused of being judgmental for simply saying something like 'i don't agree with formal childcare so became a SAHM'. This woman has said she will educate her child because she thinks this is the right choice, of course that's going to make her family feel like she is judging their decision to sent their children to school. She didn't want them to touch her baby, she doesn't want them to mind her child, she clearly has some issues when them being involved with her child so it's not surprising OP is insulted and irritated by this.

Whenever somebody uses the term ‘the done thing’ little red flags immediately start waving in my mind. Whose ‘done thing’? Yours. Why do you expect her to buy into your parenting philosophy?

On the zoo trip, I can imagine that lots of vegans would not be ethically aligned with such an outing. Maybe she was trying to say no without going too far into these ethics. Also lots of parents are staunchly anti-sleepover; in many ways she’s following a trend with that, same with baby wearing and homeschooling.

of course that's going to make her family feel like she is judging their decision to sent their children to school

That is entirely a them problem.

It’s not your “worry” though is it? And let’s me honest you’re not “worried” at all! You just want to judge.

I mean do tell, what about it worries you? Do you lie awake at night thinking about it?

Oh, stop being silly.

It's not being judgemental to do what you feel is best for your kid

Agree

I don't see much to be concerned about here. My daughter was never looked after by anyone but us and her maternal grandparents when they stayed with us. Although she did go to nursery.

Sleepovers are not something we do even though daughter is 8 now. The truth is most abuse is carried out by people familiar with the child (not insinuating anything here it's just a fact).

Raising your child vegan is not something I would do ( as i'm a terrible cook!) but my daughter is vegetarian though I've always been clear she can make her own choices in later life (i'm a meat eater myself - other parent is vegetarian for religious reasons).

Homeschooling would concern me if SIL is not qualified to teach the whole curriculum or doesn't get adequate support / there's not a homeschooling network locally.

I think she sounds fabulous, well informed and not afraid to bend to society's norms.
Zoos are awful and I would suggest you research them to understand her point of view.

For from being set up to fail it sounds as if your niece is getting a fantastic start in all developmental areas and is clearly benefiting already.

So if in theory your siblings say it's best for their son that you don't hold him or talk to him you would be totally cool with that? And think it's no reflection whatsoever on how they feel about you?

For a person who claims not to be judgmental you were very quick to resort to name calling when you disagree with me.

I’m more concerned about the child eating a vegan diet.

What is wrong with unconventional? A lot of the world regard how westerners bring up children as bordering on neglectful. Your SiL sounds lovely and caring and totally devoted to her child.

Are you feeling threatened?